"Brokeback Titanic"

I gotta address Superman/Batman Annual #1 because it's a comic that's ripping the DC fanbase clean in two. Love it or hate it, you have to admit it's odd.

I am of the camp that totally loved it. It was completely silly and over-the-top but...it was also completely silly and over-the-top. More than anything, I am just surprised that they took the joke so far with the big two characters.

The Superman/Batman series has been a bit of a joke since it started. It's not bad by any means. It is certainly a little mushy (who am I kidding? It's practically one long romance novel), and a bit of a playground for the writers (mainly Jeph Loeb) to play around with the biggest icons in comics. For the most part, what happens in Superman/Batman stays in Superman/Batman, and doesn't affect the larger DC universe. DC has referred to Superman/Batman as their "big summer blockbuster." I see it as more of an experimental indie film.

Anway, let's look at Annual #1. Basically, it's a tongue-in-cheek re-telling of the classic comic, Superman #76, the first Superman and Batman team-up, and where they first learned each other's secret identities. Both Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne end up on the same cruise ship. For whatever reason, there is a booking error and they have to share a room (sure...a billionaire can't secure a private room...whatever). Then trouble pops up and they both want to change into their hero suits...secretly. Let's roll the clip:

I have to say, that's pretty anti-climatic. I very much like this new version of the same moment (after a couple of panels of both men waiting for the other to leave):

Hilarious!

The updated version is what they are calling a "re-imaginary story." It's pretty much a Bizarro comic, in that it's a comedy piece that breaks the fourth wall repeatedly. It also serves as something of an official response to the endless jokes, or endless devout beliefs depending on who you ask, that Batman and Superman are totally in love with each other. This is DC reclaiming its characters and saying "Hey, if they're gonna be hitting on each other, they're doing it on our terms." Actually, to be more correct "If people are going to be implying that they're gay, then we're going to make our own characters do the implying."

I give you these pages, which pretty much sum up the feel of the whole comic. They are also really, really funny.
Yeah...there was no bed-sharing in ol' Superman #76. Nice touch.

I could scan the whole thing and give a 100 item list of things that delighted me about this comic, but I'm trying to stay focussed. What I would really like to get into is how this comic, however ridiculous, is basically spoofing its own series. I could show countless examples of panels that go way over-the-top with the intensity of Superman and Batman's relationship just in the first six issues of Superman/Batman alone. That might have to wait for a later post. And I really do have to think about making some posts related to other heroes.

Even if you took out all the camp and silliness, I just really enjoy a fresh look at the moment that they discovered each other's secret identities. I would like to see more classic comic moments re-visited. Comic book heroes have become so gritty and realistic that it's fun to throw them into a zany golden or silver age adventure.

In this comic, I really like that Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne basically hate each other. Then they find out that they are really Superman and Batman. Then they continue to sort of hate each other.
And, yes. "Brokeback Titanic" is something that is actually said in this comic about Bruce and Clark sharing a room. There's also this:

You know, it kind of takes the fun out of hunting for homoerotic subtext when they just serve it up on a flashing neon platter like that. And maybe that's the point. I'm sure that DC is sick to death of the slashers waiting impatiently for the ultimate hook-up. I sort of see this as a gift to slashers (because, hey, they're paying for comics too). Or perhaps it's the ultimate weapon against them (taking away their fun).

What we learn in the end, though, is that Mxyzptlk is a Superman/Batman slasher because the whole story was one that he made up in an attempt to "spice up" a classic. I always suspected as much.

Romance!

Sometimes you come across a comic so awesome you just have to post the whole thing.

This is a 5-page mini-comic at the end of World's Finest #302 written by David Anthony Kraft and drawn by David Mazzucchelli. It's easily the most romantic Superman/Batman story not written by Jeph Loeb.

I'm just going to let everyone read it uninterrupted. Notes will follow.

Alright. Here we go.

Pg.1: It really doesn't matter what's going on in the sky there. Although it does look like a pretty exciting adventure just wrapped up with an all-star cast. Basically all I want to say about this page is that I like the awkward way that Batman says that he's hungry, thirsty, and wants to chill out in the shade for a bit. (This is alarmingly out-of-character, and if I were Superman, I would be suspicious).

Pg.2: Isn't any restaurant on Earth handy for Superman? There is no reason why they had to go to this dive. I love that Superman wanted to share a table with Safari Guy and Commie Army Guy. Especially since there are only two chairs at that table. He must have known what their reaction would be. Maybe this is how he always gets tables.

Pg.3: There is so much awesome on this page that I have to break it down by panel.

Panel 1: Superman looks adorable leaning back in that chair like that. Batman, on the other hand, has very bad posture. I would expect better from a hard-core yoga guy. I love that they both order milk, and I especially love Batman's flustered "--Ah, uh, Make that two." This is a strange thing to say, and for a second I thought maybe the "ah" was the second part of a word he was trying to say when he was interrupted. But unless he was saying "Firstah," I guess not.
The only other explanation is that Batman is nervous and is trying to work up the nerve to tell Superman something.
Let's look at the patrons of the bar. We have two open-shirted cowboys, a lumberjack, and another safari guy. This looks like an over-the-top gay bar.

Panel 2: Add 'naked guy' to the list of bar patrons. Superman looks right at home here.
This panel begins their charming conversation.

Panel 3: GOD DAMN! BATMAN!! "Even a loner needs a friend sometimes..." My heart just shattered into a million pieces. That's the saddest Batman I've ever seen.

Just in case there are people who are just scanning this entry, and not really reading the comic, let's get a closer look at that panel:

Beautiful.

I also like that the background guys think that they are filming Superman IV. Even in this universe, there are Superman movies. I love it!

Panel 4: Neither of them are saying a word. They are just gazing meaningfully at each other while Superman touches Batman's arm. I know it's a colouring error, but I like to think that Batman has rolled up his sleeve to better feel Superman's gentle caress.
Love the cowboy's quote. "Tender." Way to ruin the moment, jackass. They were totally going to kiss!

Panel 5: I like to think that our heroes are still gazing silently at each other.

Pg.4:

Panel 1: Superman is totally making a pass here.

Panel 2: "What's holding up our milks?" is the best Batman quote of all time.
I LOVE that the cowboy wants to buy Batman a drink. And that he wants to "put hair" on his "lily-white chest." Says the guy with the snow white chest that looks pretty damn smooth. Pot? Meet Kettle! Sheesh!
Also love that cowboy #2 calls Superman "ma'am."
This panel is really creepy.

Panels 3, 4, 5 & 6: AWESOME!

Pg.5: It is rare and wonderful to find a man whose face goes 'BONK!' when you punch it.
It's just awesome that this ends with our heroes going to Bruce's house for brunch. Perfect. Also, they are assholes for talking Alfred into making them food. If it's morning in South Africa, I can't even imagine what ungodly hour it is in Gotham. Can't either of them fry an egg? Superman wouldn't even need a stove!
I would love to read a My Dinner With Andre-style sequel to this where they just talk about stuff over eggs benedict. Sadly, World's Finest #303 does not deliver.

LIES!

There are misleading teaser covers, and then there are just plain lies.

I think it's safe to say that most comic covers exaggerate the content of the issue to sell copies. Sometimes they pick-out what turns out to be a non-event and blow it up on the front cover (Good example: Catwoman #19).

Sometimes it's something that's really more of a misunderstanding, or something that sort of happens, but not really (usually involving a shape-shifter, or some sort of mind-control, or a hero purposely acting like an ass because it's the only way to save a bunch of people). (Good example: Astonishing X-Men #14).

Sometimes it's more like an artistic summary of what happens. So the scene on the cover never actually happens, but it's figurative (Good example: the latest crappy issue of Detective Comics, #823).
But then there are just plain lies.

I bought this comic yesterday because the cover is completely awesome:

Here are some things that do not happen in this issue:

1. Superman does not ever try to pull Batman's mask off for any reason, or imply that he is thinking about doing it.

2. There is no mention of the fact that people will die if Batman's face is revealed.

3. Superman and Batman are never in their costumes at the same time.

4. Though they are in a castle for much of the issue, neither it, nor the people in it, look so medieval.

5. Superman and Batman don't even disagree once in this story, let alone end up in a position where Superman has Batman in a headlock and is forcing his mask off.

Is that not the most haunting facial expression you've ever seen? I can barely stand to look at it. And yet, I cannot look away.

Jesus. Now I've got the jeeblies. *shudder*

Batman: Year Two is Terrible and Anyone Who Thinks Otherwise Is Wrong

I re-read Batman:Year Two recently because someone whose opinion I respect told me that he really liked it. I was pretty sure it was as bad as I remembered, and I was right.

It starts out ok. You have Batman doing his thing and Bruce Wayne falling for a girl named Rachel Caspian. Unfortunately for Bruce, she's going to become a nun. Meanwhile, a Gotham City blast-from-the-past villain/vigilante, the Reaper, is making a comeback. Batman has a very exciting fight with him, I'll admit. It ends with Batman getting his ass handed to him.

I think the book takes its first serious wrong turn at the end of chapter one (click to enlarge):

WHAT?! Ridiculous. Why would Bruce even have that gun? And as if that's the only way to avenge his parents. "Bruce, son. Listen to my dying words. Obtain the gun of this random mugger. ..somehow. Save it in a secret compartment beneath a giant, creepy portrait of your mother and I. Then, one day, you must take this gun and bring down a vigilante much like the one you will become, but more extreme and brutal in his methods. His name will be The Reaper. You must kill him with this mugger's gun, Bruce. Only then will your parents be avenged. Avenge us...Bruce..."

And thus ends chapter one. I guess this was supposed to be a huge, exciting, unexpected cliffhanger when this book was still in serial format. Unexpected? Yes. Exciting? Nope. Just stupid.

So who is this Reaper character? He's pretty bad-ass. And he wants you to forget everything Blue Oyster Cult ever taught you:

He loves to say this. He says it so many times I started laughing out loud each time.

This one is my favourite:

It's almost adorable. He just wants so badly for Batman to fear the Reaper.

Anyway, back to the absurd plot. It gets much worse. Not only does Batman feel the need to tote the Gun That Took Their Lives, but he also feels that to defeat the Reaper, he needs to team up with some criminals. Which leads to him getting paired up with a criminal. You'll never guess who...

No way! Joe Chill?! The very criminal who killed Thomas and Martha Wayne?! What are the odds?! It's just...stupid. It's totally and completely stupid.

But Batman is still pretty much convinced that this is what he's gotta do. He visits his parents' grave and asks an easy question:

No, Batman. The answer is no. You don't have to do that at all. Don't be ridiculous.

But according to Batman, and the writers, he does. So we endure another few chapters of McFarlane art and overly-angsty inner-monologues.

And Batman wearing a delivery man disguise. Hilarious!

And YOU will soon know to sign here to accept your package, Reaper!

Comm. Gordon gets all confused when he sees Batman sort of fighting on the side of the criminals against the Reaper. He's hurt that Batman isn't being his BFF anymore. He takes it like a 14-year-old girl:

Breaks the pipe that Batman gave him as a gift! Awwww. Suck it up, Gordon.

And then there's the stupid romance plotline. Rachel is dedicated to becoming a nun. Right up until she takes in the full heat of Bruce Wayne eating an ice-cream cone in a bomber jacket.

Ugh. I hate that. She was a woman totally dedicated to her faith and her goal of becoming a nun and helping people. Then she pulls a 180. Whatever.

Also, this is the single creepiest panel I have ever seen. Ever:

EW! When did Bruce Wayne = Guy Smiley? Actually, it's worse than that. It's the exaggerated face that I make when I am considering making a banana split. Check it:

Sorry about my lazy photoshop work. But already I have improved the comic ten fold.

Anyway, I think I've made my case. Now I invite anyone to try to defend this book. Good luck!

Doctor, Doctor.

In the 1960s life was simple. There was only one doctor costume available, and if you didn't like it, you could go pound sand.

Here we have Superman sporting the doctor costume:

In another comic, Bruce Wayne:

In yet another comic, one of Luthor's men:

And, finally, some other criminal wears the same get-up in another comic:

Does this costume fool anyone? Everyone owns one. And can you blame them? That is an excellent beard and moustache combo. Bruce Wayne really made it his own by switching up the lab coat for medical scrubs (PS - the nurse is Supergirl, and I thought she was drinking a soda, but I guess that's a roll of gauze).

And since we are talking about that panel, it's also a great example of how Superman solves simple problems with needlessly complicated solutions. Did he really need to bother Batman for this? Even better is in the next panel when the "doctor" tells Clark in front of Lois that he needs to keep the bandages on for two weeks. I think that was Bruce's pay-back for being dragged out during daylight hours to be a part of this absurdity.
Also...if Superman is so worried about getting those bandages on in a hurry, why doesn't he do it himself in a split second before Lois arrives?

Eventually I'll stop talking about Showcase Presents Superman. But who can really resist this stuff?

All-Star Crap and Garbage

I think the world has stopped caring about All-Star Batman and Robin, but I just had a quick thought:

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, Frank Miller actually does have some sort of plot twist planned that will give a reasonable excuse for Batman's ridiculous new personality? The fact that they've made it to the Batcave kind of rules out Batman not really being Batman. And I am out of ideas. I am just trying to give Miller the benefit of the doubt because we all loved Dark Knight. But seriously...

Quotes like this from Miller don't fill me with hope that there's any kind of plan for this series:

Superman is in it, Lois and Clark are in it. Vicki Vale has a very big part in it as well. I want to reintroduce Batgirl, the original one, and of course, Gordon will be in it. There will probably be an appearance by Wonder Woman as well...and Catwoman, who’s another “must-have” character when you’re talking about Batman.

And Green Lantern will be in it, and Martian Manhunter, and Daredevil...and OOO!!! Emma Frost!

He has no plan.

It really doesn't matter because the issues come out so far apart that no one remembers what's happening anyway. We had four issues of driving in a car while Dick tried not to throw up, called Batman 'queer,' and sort of mourned his freshly slain parents. All the while being showered with obscenities from the world's greatest detective. That's basically all we need to know, I guess. I mean, we can just forget all that Black Canary stuff because I think we were just supposed to acknowledge that she has boobs, and they bounce when she fights.

The DC website is showing the release date for issue 5 as Nov 29, but issue 6 is out on Oct 11. I'll assume that they have accidently mixed up these dates, but I am not changing this blog's official Count-Down until I have proof.

I can think of at least two things wrong with this Batman and Robin cover:

Like, seriously! Why is it taking so long? Are they adding shading to Wonder Woman's rump?!

And why do I still care?