Superman: Time and Time Again

There is nothing more disappointing than seeing a character as timeless as Superman saying or doing something utterly trendy. I don't want to see Superman wearing Crocs, I don't want him to do the Macarena, and I certainly don't want to see what's in this panel.

Oh, Superman. No you didn't. That song was never cool enough to make this ok.

I don't even want Superman acknowledging that Crocs or the Macarena exist. I like my Superman to be completely oblivious to pop culture. That's the way he should be. He shouldn't have a favourite song or a favourite movie. You start messing with that shit and you get Smallville's Lifehouse-loving tool of a hero.

This panel is taken from 1994's Superman: Time and Time Again. It took three writers (Dan Jurgens, Roger Stern and Jerry Ordway) to bring us this time-traveling adventure (originally published as Action Comics 663-665, Adventures of Superman 476-478, and Superman 54, 55, 61 and 73). Despite the jarring embarrassment of Superman walking the dinosaur, this trade is actually a pretty good read. It's certainly very 90s, which only makes it into my top ten favourite decades for comics out of necessity, but it's entertaining. You get Booster Gold, who is having a little come-back now in 52. You get Superman being trapped in the old west/WWII/prehistoric times/the future. He joins the circus (in which he is an obvious smash hit).

And, you get Superman shaving himself and sitting, depressed, on a toilet.

In prehistoric times, Supes just gives up on shaving all together. Thus the mighty beard you see in the unfortunate dinosaur panel.

Lois has red hair in this book, which is certainly not ok. At least she's not blonde.

I give this book a thumbs up overall. You really do feel Superman's angst when he realizes how difficult, or potentially impossible, it will be to get back to red-headed Lois. Although the fact that all it takes to move from one time period to the next is a large or medium explosion makes the plot a little weak. It certainly eliminates a lot of the suspense. (How will he get out of World War II? Oh.).

Another problem is that one of the time periods he finds himself in is...Camelot. I'll buy traveling through time, but I will not buy traveling through fiction. That's just crazy.

Superman always keeps his cool, no matter how ridiculous the situation (see above where he turns being trapped in the Jurassic period into a playful musical romp). That's something I always admire about him. It may not technically be one of his superpowers, but no one can prove that it isn't.

Review of Old Comic Book Mail-Order Stuff, Part Three, By Johnathan

Next up: The SWITCH-BLADE COMB!

Kind of dumb-looking. Bad idea - bet it got some poor kid shivved.

NOT APPROVED

Review of Old Comic Book Mail-Order Stuff, Part Two, By Johnathan

In contrast with the astonishing and glorious POCKET SPY SCOPE (see Part One), may I present:

The X-RAY SPECS, a heinous and cynical exploitation of the same nerdish lusts served so faithfully by the altruists behind the POCKET SPY SCOPE.
Though an invaluable kitsch resource and generally cool-looking eyewear, the X-RAY SPECS are their core an example of the tendency of humanity to exploit the weakness of its fellows for the dubious pleasure of reaping stacks and stacks of cold, hard cash. The specs operate by optical illusion, and allow one to see 'bones' when peering through them at a hand or an arm. But look at the ad! It says that you can see through clothes! There's a buxom lass in the background! The clear implication is that one can employ these spectacles to play the voyeur on the sly - and how many of our nerdish forebears had their hopes dashed as a result? How many horn-rimmed, bryl-creme'd, zit-encrusted youths gambled their dollar on the specs, figuring that they would ogle their secret crush (and make no mistake - all of their crushes were secret) in public with none the wiser, only to find to their disappointment (six to eight weeks later) that these traitorous lenses simply didn't work as implicitly advertised? How many of those same intrepid, gawky lads had no money left after this soul-crushing betrayal, and were unable to purchase the POCKET SPY SCOPE? How many boys crouched in the undergrowth, pockets protected, squinting forlornly at the lighted window in the distance, where was visible only the occasional and oh-so-tiny glimpse of rosy girl-flesh, rather than the orgiastic/voyeuristic inadvertent strip-show that was their due? How many virgins wept in the rhododendrons?

Geeks of yesteryear, I acknowledge your sorrow.

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Review of Old Comic Book Mail-Order Stuff, Part One, By Johnathan

Part one in a series of close looks at the sort of things that people used to try to sell kids who read comics. Our first guest:

There's only the faintest of attempts to disguise the fact that this device was only ever going to be use for one thing: voyeurism. Watching sports? Counter-spying? Pshaw. This thing, for the low, low price of $1.75, enabled early-60s nerds (possibly the dorkiest nerds of all time, studies indicate) to gorge their pasty, lustful eyes on beehive-ed maidens en boudoir. Until I learned of this, I was troubled and confused by the insistence of the authors of the era on describing undergrowth as 'sticky.' Now, however, I am troubled and proud, knowing that as I read I am witnessing the legacy of my nerdish forebears - and the indomitable POCKET SPY SCOPE!

JOHN APPROVED

Review of bezoars, by johnathan

Bezoars are formed when undigestable material accretes ith the stomach of a human or animal. there are several different kinds, classified by the type of material that forms the bulk of the mass. Bezoars can be formed of hair, plant fibres, and even the gel capsules that medication is delivered in. Trichobezoars, pictured here:
are the hair-based type. They often build up in the stomachs of young girls who chew on the ends of their hair. Trichobezoars are packed with partially-digested food, and therefore smell terrible. As you can see, the bezoar conforms precisely to the shape of the stomach, and usually must be surgically removed.
Bezoars have a long mythic history - they were traditionally believed to be proof against poison, and European royalty frequently had them set in gold, like gemstones.

...

Bezoars are incredibly gross.

NOT APPROVED

Review of kid sidekicks, by Johnathan

I'm not totally opposed to the notion of youthful sidekicks for superheros - the Robin series has turned out okay (except for the *ahem* unpleasantness with Jason Todd), and I'm sure that I could think up another if I spent a few seconds... Speedy. He's okay. Except for the smack.
Anyway, if you do happen to begin adventuring with a coyly elfen boy-child, and your collective weakness just happens to be a phisiological need for regular moistening, and you are required to avail youself of the milky bounty of a mountain goat or die... try not to make it lok like you're grimly shooting hircine ejaculate into the gleeful face of your hot pants-clad boy toy. Because that's gross.
NOT APPROVED