Review of Superman as husband, by Johnathan.

Granted, this is a dream sequence - Supes' cousin Supergirl is hell-bent on finding der Man of Steel a wife (and incidentally causing untold damage to the space-time continuum and my suspension of disbelief in the process) and so visions of marital servitude are naturally enough dancing in her head.

All that aside, though: Superman is a terrible better half, just terrible. Here are some reasons:

a) Superman is a master roboticist/ virtual demigod, yet poor Mrs. Kent still apparently spends her days puttering around their horribly-decorated split-level bungalow, while her so-called better half has exciting adventures in exotic lands. She apparently has so little to do that she has become the greatest cook in all of creation, when really she should be spending her days in a Martian pleasure-palace, waited on hand and foot by automatons and subjugated supervillians.

b) This alien guy. I've read plenty of Sixties Superman comics, and I gotta say: 75-90% of the time, anyone that the Big Blue befriends turns out to have a heart full of betrayal and a secret stash of kryptonite. If he keeps bringing home every 'friend' that he makes once he's outside the ionosphere, sooner or later ol' wifey's going to get fragged. And her with nary a robot in sight to protect her...
Even assuming that Superman never accidentally brings home his new pal the Predator or something, this is a troubling little scene. Why? Three words: explosive allergic reaction. I get the impression that the Two Space Amigos have just dropped in unannounced, and Super-housefrau has pulled the latest in the endless series of meals that she cooks just to ease the bitter loneliness of her existence off of the stove and served it up. Further, I'm betting that even the Universe's Greatest Cook doesn't constantly have a series of different meals on the go, each tailored to a different alien biochemistry, and that one day an unexpected extraterrestrial dinner guest is going to end up as a thin film spattered liberally throughout the dining room. Come to think of it... maybe it's already happened, and that's why the walls are such a terrible shade of yellow.

NOT APPROVED

As a final aside: at the end of the story, Superman described his ideal bride, and it turned out to be someone just like Supergirl, but not his cousin. Uk.

NOT APPROVED

Review of ankles, by Johnathan.

Ankles are good, in that - like all worthwhile joints - they help you to move. Plus, they're handy for use in jokes about how old someone is, as the fetishes of yesteryear (ankles, wrists, knees, post-marital sex), are totally good for a laugh. Ankles are also home to anklets, which are slightly questionable as jewelry, but have a totally bitchin' name. Anklet. Without ankles, we'd all be tottering around like poorly designed robots, which would be hilarious for a couple of days, but would probably get old quick.

However, I twisted my ankle something fierce this morning, so:

JOHN DISAPPROVED

Detective Comics + Simone Bianchi = Hot, Hot Covers

I am so, so into the Simone Bianchi covers on the current run of Detective Comics.

I don't even care that we have gratuitous female nudity all over this last cover. Poison Ivy just makes more sense as a naked lady. And this cover is kind of hilarious anyway. You can see Batman wrestling with the situation. I like that Poison Ivy is always in control of the situation. It's hot. (Of course, she always inevitably loses control of the situation by the end of every story, but still).

The only weird thing about Bianchi's art is that the characters tend to look a little underfed. The ribs stick out like crazy. I mean, your clothes have to be seriously tight to define your ribs that much. And I know that, as far as clothing goes, superhero costumes are very tight. Still, though...look at Robin in this next one:

I really love that cover though. Even though the Dynamic Duo look more like they are doing interpretive dance than fighting crime. Batman is sort of...prancing. And Robin is...surfing?

You know what I really love about these drawings? Batman's utility belt. It's really well defined and realistic. Each compartment is a different size and shape. It's not just a yellow bar divided into little squares that somehow hold batarangs.

On the re-issues they've been adding some spot colour. That looks pretty nice too:

Oooooo...intense.

Thumbs up, Simone.

A friend of mine said the other day that right now is a great time to be alive because the best artists and writers are working on the Batman titles. It's so true. And that is why I can still get out of bed in the morning.

Internet Roadtrip #1

I'll admit that I don't read a lot of Marvel anymore. Lately it's pretty much been Astonishing X-Men, and Runaways. I was checking out their website today and it's a real mess. Check it out. It hurt me to look at it. And everything confused me. Marvel's website makes me feel old. It's what we in the media industry call "a design nightmare," or "trying too hard."

On imdb they have actually listed Heath Ledger as The Joker in 'Untitled Batman Begins Sequel'. They have 'rumoured' after his name, but still...and the other hot rumour is that Jake Gyllenhaal is going to be Harvey Dent. Um...this could be a really...good...movie. Who's the casting director? Me?

Honestly, though...Heath Ledger? The Joker? I don't really think so. I liked the Paul Bettany rumour. I thought that was a step in the right direction.

Although...
That is a pretty stretchy smile he's got there. And he looks convincing holding that spraycan (which could contain a toxic gas of some sort).

Hey, imdb now has little pictures of the actors next to their names. I like that feature. It's cute.

Meanwhile, at Kryptonsite, they're covering the upcoming appearance of Green Arrow on Smallville. Oliver Queen is being played by the same guy who played Aquaman last season. He was supposed to have his own spin-off, but that got canned. I can't imagine that it would have been a good show. I'll be downloading that pilot. He will go down in history for uttering the gayest line ever said on Smallville:

Clark Kent: "Are you alright?"
Aquaman (shirtless): "Wet and ready, bro."

To utter the gayest line ever on Smallville is no small feat. There is a lot of competition.

It was a pretty gay episode. And by 'gay,' I mean 'homosexual.'

I don't like it when shows get the same actor to play two roles. And what happens if this turns into a super-lame JLA show? Then you've got one actor playing two guys on the same show at the same time. He'd be exhausted. Wonder Woman would be all "Hey, Aquaman, where's Green Arrow?" And Aquaman would sweat and say "He's...eating...lunch."

I can understand wanting to use this actor a lot, though. He has a crazy superhero body. He made Clark Kent look like Lou Reed by comparison in this episode.

The internet is awesome.

Supergirl #8

Oh come on now.

They're gonna blow!

JLA: New World Order

New World Order collects the first 4 issues of JLA. It was released in 1997 and boasts Grant Morrison as the writer and Howard Porter as the artist. It's a good book, and these issues launched a good series, no question. There are two major things that bother me about Porter's art: the way he draws hair, and the way he draws women.

Let's look at Wonder Woman:
This doesn't even make sense. What she is wearing is basically an inverted triangle. If this weren't an all-ages comic, we would be looking at labia. Her breasts are just sort of resting on that breastplate. Wouldn't they be falling out all the time while she's fighting and running and jumping?

And there's something gross about the tip of that lasso. Or at least it's placement.

This is also a good example of the bad hair drawing I was talking about. There is such a thing as giving too much detail to hair. And while we're on it, the shadowing is kind of way overdone too. Look at The Flash! It's the little things that can really ruin a comic for me.

Here's our girl fighting a female-looking alien character by straddling it. Again, breasts and junk all over the place. Just unprofessional, Wonder Woman.

Here's something I always hate: when a woman's eyes are drawn to be larger than her waist. Look at these!
One eye is the size of her entire mouth! Can you imagine seeing someone like that in real life?! It would be terrifying.

All of the JLA men are basically wearing turtlenecks. They have every part of their skin covered except what they need to breathe through (except Aquaman...but he does his own thing). Here's Wonder Woman hanging out with the boys:

Catch what if they fall, Superman? Wonder Woman's jugs?! They are precariously balanced! Look. Batman can't even look at her. He's just embarrassed for her.
Or maybe he's embarrassed for Superman's hair. I know I am. It's 1997 and Superman is just getting into line dancing.

As for Wonder Woman's costume, it gets worse:

Whoomp! And that's not even a joke that Green Lantern is making. He really is just talking about the view of planet Earth. But look at Wonder Woman, hands on her hips, daring anyone to stare at her ass. Actually it looks more like she's begging. It's just a terrible outfit. Thumbs down.