Review of Comic Book Hilarity, by Johnathan

click it! click it good.

Ok, so as usual I'm starting my review with an image taken from a comic book, and as usual that image has been selected because it made me giggle when I saw it for the first time. Unusually, this panel has not been spirited away from a mid-Sixties comic novel, but rather from an issue of Shade the Changing Man, c. 1993. Now, it's not that contemporary (oh shit, '93 isn't that contemporary anymore, is it? Curse you, Father Time!) comics to not bring the laffs with them when they come to visit, it's just that we've all become so much more aware of our senses of humour since der Sixties. The above panel, featuring Ernest Hemingway clobbering a mutated alien police officer while James Joyce eggs him on, could certainly have occurred in a 1965 issue of Superman, but if it had, it wouldn't have been because someone had realized ahead of time that it'd be hilarious (well, probably not, anyway). It would have just happened. Superman would be dicking around in the past - telling people about the future, getting involved in important events, daring the laws of causality to be true, the usual - and he'd run into Hemingway and Joyce, and there'd be a scrap, because there always was. And that's why it would have been funnier to have found this exact panel in that 1965 Superman: because nobody involved meant for shit like this:

so very funny. They just wanted a picture of Clark Kent wrestling some guy, 'cause it was part of the plot. The result: comic gold. Cheap comic gold. Comic fool's gold. Yeah.

JOHN APPROVED

Wait, what did I just approve of?

Shut Up, Superman (#1)

You know what bothers me about Superman? Shit like this:

Superman, you have not see the moons of Krypton any more than I have. In fact, because you haven't read/watched roughly 71,000 versions of your origin story, I would say less.

This is just such a poser thing to say. And he says stuff like this all the time. It's like some dude who lived in Japan for 6 months and comes back and corrects sushi waitresses all over town.

If I were hanging out with Superman and he said this, I would be rolling my eyes.

Superman/Batman #27: Nevermind

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies!

I love Mark Verheiden, and I was stoked that he was going to take on the Superman/Batman series. I was dismayed when I saw the first cover. I believe my exact words were "I can't help but notice that neither Superman nor Batman are on the cover." Little did I know...

Gender bending is a daring subject matter even for fanfic. I applaud Verheiden for taking it on in an actual comic book. And to do it to Superman and Batman! Bravo. But for all the impressiveness of what he was trying to do, it sadly didn't really work. It was a wasted opportunity.

Basically the story is that Earth 2 Superman (gray hair) and Batman (retired) have been lured into a trap at the Metropolis Zoo. The Ultra-Humanite has placed himself into the body of a gorilla there, using Brainwave, and successfully works it so Batman and Superman switch bodies with The Huntress and Power Girl, respectively. Though they still see themselves as Batman and Superman, to each other and the rest of the world they are now women.

Sounds good so far. I think it would be funner if they could also see themselves as women, but at this point I'm just glad this is happening at all.

Check out Batman (Huntress) saying something a little flirtatious to Superman (Power Girl):

"Trust me, Clark, you're her alright." And yowzaa! You're hawt! Basically that and "Except for feeling a draft, I'm doing fine," are the only funny lines of the whole book. And that's too bad.

It gets boring and confusing because it has to be over in such a hurry. In a few pages they learn what's happening (Brainwave did it), what's going to happen (Power Girl and Huntress are going to fight back to gain control of their bodies and thus destroy Superman and Batman permanently) and what they need to do to stop it (find where their own bodies are being hidden and get...back...in them...somehow).

All I'm saying is that if you're going to give us something as delicious as SUPERMAN and BATMAN getting switched into the bodies of BUSTY LADIES please let us enjoy the ride a little.

It doesn't help that the boys are so indifferent to their situation. They just keep making small talk about what they've been up to lately.

That panel is kind of cute, though, if you consider that it's actually Superman and Batman. I like the adorable way Batman is holding on.

It's a little icky that Batman is actually in the body of his daughter. And Superman, his cousin. I mean, there's nothing specifically incestuous about what's happening here, but it's still kinda...personal.

It's a stand-alone, so by the end they get back in their bodies and all is right with the alternate world. Supes and Bats don't remember what just happened, the ladies do.

I would have like a 12-issue arc. They could have, y'know, dealt with other superheroes hitting on them. They could have taken a paycut at the Justice League. Superman would have to explain the situation to Lois. Robin would be all confused...hilarious! It would have been better if it wasn't Earth 2, though. I am just not comfortable with Earth 2. I never will be. There, I said it.

Kevin Maguire's art is pretty nice, but it's kinda gross too. I mean, obviously it's boob city, but check out this nasty porn face on Powergirl (Superman). I don't even know what her mouth is doing. Is that her tongue? Lips?

As for the cover art (Ethan Van Schiver and Moose Baumann), have you ever seen Power Girl with long, golden locks? I'm not even going to comment on the boobs, because what's the point?

I want to say thumbs up to this comic so badly. It should have been the greatest comic of all time. Instead it's a wild, mind-boggling ride that's over before it starts. Booooooo.

Superman Mild Bubble Bath: Super Berry Scent

I couldn't resist.

I normally won't buy scented bubble bath because of the raging infections it tends to cause. But it's really hard to find unscented bubble bath, and this bottle had Superman on it. Check out the awesome Jim Lee artwork!
Superman wouldn't give me an infection, would he? I can trust Superman.

Now, I know there are some artificial scents in here. I'm not an idiot. I know that for $2.76 they aren't using natural extracts from real super berries to get the super berry scent.

I know I shouldn't be using you, Superman bubble bath. I know the back of the bottle says 'Excessive use or prolonged exposure may cause irritation to skin and urinary tract," but the front of the bottle says "Superman."

Superman: For Tomorrow

I went to see Superman Returns for a second time last night, and it inspired me to re-read the For Tomorrow series in the Superman comics. 12 of the best-looking Superman comics you'll ever read.
Brian Azzarello, Jim Lee, Scott Williams and Alex Sinclair. This was the line-up that got me back into buying Superman every month.

The story, which I am hoping everyone has read, has a whole lot going for it. A lot of my personal Superman turn-ons. Thanks to the miracle of scanners, I can illustrate those turn-ons.

Turn-On #1: Superman talking about his problems.

The main argument against Superman as a character is that he is boring. Virtually nothing can hurt him, and he can do pretty much anything, so there is no suspense. He can easily get out of any bad situation he gets himself into. Good writers get that the struggle for Superman comes from within. Superman Returns had this going for it as well.

For Tomorrow has a very introspective Superman. Lois is missing, along with hundreds of thousands of others, after a mysterious 'vanishing.' They are presumed dead. Superman is having a rotten time coping with this belief. He forms a friendship with a young priest who is dying of cancer. The priest listens to Superman's problems and questions, which he has a lot of. I think my favourite conversation is when Superman is asking if he even loves Lois, or if he is even capable of love. He wonders if he only feels what he believes to be love, because he's not even sure if he really has emotions that humans can understand. Stuff like that just really gets to me.

The relationship with the priest is really brilliant. And the church scenes really let Alex Sinclair give us some really nice lighting effects, too.

I love at the end of this page how Superman looks downright insulted that the priest suggested that he can't keep track of how many times he has flown over the church. He never even follows up that 'no' with a correction. Just, "No. I know how to count, ass."

Turn-On #2: Superman fighting with Batman

Oh, Batman. You keep trying to fight Superman, but it's just so pointless. And I love it when Superman points that out.

I love the dialogue between Batman and Superman. It's tense. They respect each other, they hate each other, they love each other. It's all there. Always good reading when those two are hanging out.

Sub-turn-on: I like it when Superman wants people to call him Kal-El. And I like it when people call him Kal-El to be mean and make him remember that he's an alien.

In both of the above pages, Superman maintains the 'don't even' face that I love.

Turn-On #3: Superman fighting with Wonder Woman

I'm not a Superman/Wonder Woman shipper, so I like watching them wail on each other. It's always exciting. They both have to use some creative moves. But this is crazy:

Wonder Woman cuts Superman with a magic blade. Superman takes a drop of his own blood and throws it at Wonder Woman!!! Sweet hell. That's awesome.

And check out this wicked backhand Superman gives her:

Ha! I love the look on his face. "Knife, eh? We'll just see about that."

Turn-On #4: Superman showing (or threatening to show) just how powerful he really is.

This requires a little set-up, but basically Superman is having a showdown against Earth itself, represented by four giants made up of each of the major elements. Whatever. 'Earth' is threatening to destroy all life on the planet so it can start over. Superman responds by making a crazy, crazy threat:

What do the giants do? They shut up and leave, that's what. Shit, dude. Superman could actually demolish the planet if he wanted. That's intense.

Turn-On #5: Sexy Superman


Hot damn! And once again, Superman makes my boyfriend look like a giant pile of crap.

What I am saying is, For Tomorrow is awesome and you should read it.

Review of Superman as husband, by Johnathan.

Granted, this is a dream sequence - Supes' cousin Supergirl is hell-bent on finding der Man of Steel a wife (and incidentally causing untold damage to the space-time continuum and my suspension of disbelief in the process) and so visions of marital servitude are naturally enough dancing in her head.

All that aside, though: Superman is a terrible better half, just terrible. Here are some reasons:

a) Superman is a master roboticist/ virtual demigod, yet poor Mrs. Kent still apparently spends her days puttering around their horribly-decorated split-level bungalow, while her so-called better half has exciting adventures in exotic lands. She apparently has so little to do that she has become the greatest cook in all of creation, when really she should be spending her days in a Martian pleasure-palace, waited on hand and foot by automatons and subjugated supervillians.

b) This alien guy. I've read plenty of Sixties Superman comics, and I gotta say: 75-90% of the time, anyone that the Big Blue befriends turns out to have a heart full of betrayal and a secret stash of kryptonite. If he keeps bringing home every 'friend' that he makes once he's outside the ionosphere, sooner or later ol' wifey's going to get fragged. And her with nary a robot in sight to protect her...
Even assuming that Superman never accidentally brings home his new pal the Predator or something, this is a troubling little scene. Why? Three words: explosive allergic reaction. I get the impression that the Two Space Amigos have just dropped in unannounced, and Super-housefrau has pulled the latest in the endless series of meals that she cooks just to ease the bitter loneliness of her existence off of the stove and served it up. Further, I'm betting that even the Universe's Greatest Cook doesn't constantly have a series of different meals on the go, each tailored to a different alien biochemistry, and that one day an unexpected extraterrestrial dinner guest is going to end up as a thin film spattered liberally throughout the dining room. Come to think of it... maybe it's already happened, and that's why the walls are such a terrible shade of yellow.

NOT APPROVED

As a final aside: at the end of the story, Superman described his ideal bride, and it turned out to be someone just like Supergirl, but not his cousin. Uk.

NOT APPROVED