Justice League Heroes

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I beat Justice League Heroes on PS2 yesterday. It only took me about a week on the regular setting. If I had been more dedicated, I could have beaten it in a weekend. I had been looking forward to this game's release for a long time, but I know not to get my hopes up about comicbook-based games.

This game is reasonably fun, but way too easy. There are some hard parts, but they are more tedious and boring than hard. It's a birds-eye dungeon-style game. You get to enhance your team's abilities and make stronger heroes. The good thing is that there is a continuous play feature that allows you to start the game over again using the same team from your completed game. I like this. Now I can get my money's worth. So I am now about a third of the way through the game on difficult mode, and I get to try out some characters I didn't have time to use the first time around.

The characters are Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern (John Stewart), Flash, Martian Manhunter and Zatanna. Then there are some unlockable characters that you can buy: Aquaman, Green Arrow, Huntress(?!), Hawkgirl, Hal Jordan and Kyle Rayner. I haven't unlocked the last two yet, but I've heard that there is no difference between them and John Stewart. Apparantly they even use the same voice. That's crap.

The voice acting is mostly good. Superman's voice is great. Batman's sounds a little sleepy and bored. Martian Manhunter's voice is ok, but he says things that make him sound like a robot. That's a Manhunter pet peeve of mine. ("I can't use my powers at this intensity indefinitely"). Like, he's a Martian. He isn't Data. Zatanna's voice is grating. It's very valley girl. And they all repeat annoying catch phrases a million times throughout the game. I had to hit mute a few times to keep myself sane (Although I could listen to Batman say "Just...give me a second to...catch my breath" all day).

You always play with two heroes on every level. Sometimes you get to choose which heroes to play with, but usually it's decided for you. If you get to choose, I recommend having Zatanna as one of them and letting the computer play as her. She has the ability to heal her teammates, and that's useful. She also has a pretty vicious fireball attack that she throws around.

For the most part, Wonder Woman is the best because she's very powerful and she has those awesome wristbands that deflect bullets. You can deflect bullets and lasers in any direction, and that's fun. Her lasso also gives you a lot of long-range attacks. Superman, as you can imagine, is pretty useful too. Basically you can't go wrong if you choose those two for any level. (Though it is annoying that everything hurts Superman. I guess it wouldn't be very challenging otherwise).

Superman says "ass" at one point in the game (as in, he's going to kick some), and I think that's awesome.

I really liked the Batman Begins game. It was both fun and stunning to look at. Considering that games based on movies usually suck, it's especially impressive. This game is not as fun as Batman Begins. There are way too many points in the game where you have to do something boring and repetitive for a really long time to beat an enemy. The whole game leads up to fighting Darkseid. You get to choose 8 team members for this, but use two at a time. As each member dies, they get replaced with another until you beat Darkseid, or kill all 8 heroes. I beat Darkseid with my first two heroes. I didn't even have to dip into the reserves. That just seems way too easy for a final boss.

But, overall, I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon than controlling the Justice League. And this certainly isn't bad as far as superhero-based video games go. I do like that I can keep playing the game over and over again on more difficult settings while building up my team. I didn't even get to use Aquaman or Hawkgirl at all the first time around.

Thumbs up! If you need any advice on how to beat something in this game, lemme know. I got pretty frustrated at a couple of points.

Review of advertising, By Johnathan

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So, as you might have been able to tell by even a casual glance at the rest of my entries in this blog of love and magic, I like the old comics - I find them delicious. One of the things that I love the most about these funnybooks of yore is the advertising - partially because the way that things are advertised has changed so much and partially because no matter how gandiose the claims made or exciting the typeface used, I know in advance how successful the product was, and can snicker to myself on a level totally different from that on which I usually snicker at advertising.

But enough generalities - how about some specific examples, eh Johnathan? (this is what I'm imagining you saying - good job on spelling my name right, by the way.) Very well: here are some advertisements that I have oh-so-tenderly liberated from their original contexts.
(I recommend clicking on the images to get the full impact of their majesty)

First up:
So, putting aside the fact that the cartoon spokescat looks like he's hooked on a mild euphoric (Which is not actually uncommon - I believe that if such characters were real, the stigma of possible drug abuse would hover over their misshapen heads like a life of petty crime haunts the future of every child sitcom star), and putting aside the notion that anyone could have fun playing with those crappy-looking models - let alone acquire a million laughs from each, or from both in tandem - the real eye-catchers for me in this ad were the three young chaps that were oh-so impressed by el Gato's drug-addled ramblings. Let's take a closer look, shall we?
The first of these youngsters, although noseless, might be the only honest one of the bunch - he took AMT's money but he just couldn't bring himself to praise such stupid models, so just went with an expression of polite disbelief. I'll bet that he grew up to be a mildly corrupt cop. The second child, who I'm guessing - due to the same congenital lack of nose - is the first tyke's brother, chooses to focus on the model-building process - with his talents of obfuscation and misdirection, he's probably gone into politics. The third kid... well, putting aside the fact that he's flat-out lying and he knows it: look at that face! You could insert basically any evil thing that you want into that speech balloon and it will look totally natural. "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die." "In exactly thirty minutes the Statue of Liberty will be no more.""Kill all of the kittens." Kid gives me the creeps. Probably lurking in somebody's closet right now.
I include this ad only so that I can point out that a)"It's magically delicious!" is a much better catch phrase than "Tis a charmin' cereal... simply charmin.'" and b) Either this is Lucky the Leprechaun's dad, or ol' Lucky's had a facelift some time in the last thirty-odd years.
It's a bitchin' bike, and not a bad idea, but the four-panel format always left a lot of questions unanswered in the various adventures of the i patrol that've cropped up in my reading over the years. For instance: everyone leaps into action / onto their bicycles in order to find this kid, but the bikes don't really come into the resolution of the adventure, like they would if the kid were trapped in, say, a half-pipe or been kidnapped by someone in a motorized wheelchair. Also: character development. This kid in the sombrero intrigues me - I didn't think that sombreros were big as accessories in the late Sixties, and if I'm right I want to know why this kid's got one on. Is he half Mexican? Was the iversion Corporation so in the know that they were trying to woo the Hispanic segments of the purchasing public decades before anyone else? Sadly, I doubt that we'll ever know.
Hoo boy - this one's a doozy. Setting aside the fact that those kids look kind of like store mannequins brought to hideous life, and setting aside the fact that the text starts rhyming halfway through, we come to the really important question: What the hell?

What the hell was this thing? It looks like somebody read - no, skimmed - a book on mysticism and fortune-telling, and then crammed as much of it as possible into a single creepy package. You got the name, Ka-bala, which is surely not meant to invoke the spirit of Kabbalah (Jewish mysticism, as popularized by Madonna), surely. You got Taro(t) cards, you got some faux ouija board stuff with the old Eye of Zohar (which looks a bit like a Magic Eightball, come to think of it) - you've even got several references to the marble being made of crystal, which is probably no mistake. Cripes - I'm surprised that there wasn't a little fold-out table where you could read the entrails of a plastic bird.

Little backgound on the last entry: the Phantom Stranger is this mysterious guy who gets into all of the magical business in the DC Universe. He might be all powerful, and he might be a semi-fallen angel, and he might be a lot of things. Every time that somebody tries to really nail down what the Stranger's really all about, somebody else muddies the water again. He's mysterious. Only three things about him are known for sure: he has a cool name, he has a cool hat, and in this one Hellblazer comic he shows up at John Constantine's birthday party and gets vomited on, which was cool. Anyway, apparently at one point he had a comic book all to himself, and here's the ad: Children! Are you prepared to follow strangers? Phantom strangers? Awesome.

Everything's JOHN APPROVED

Romance!

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Sometimes you come across a comic so awesome you just have to post the whole thing.

This is a 5-page mini-comic at the end of World's Finest #302 written by David Anthony Kraft and drawn by David Mazzucchelli. It's easily the most romantic Superman/Batman story not written by Jeph Loeb.

I'm just going to let everyone read it uninterrupted. Notes will follow.




Alright. Here we go.

Pg.1: It really doesn't matter what's going on in the sky there. Although it does look like a pretty exciting adventure just wrapped up with an all-star cast. Basically all I want to say about this page is that I like the awkward way that Batman says that he's hungry, thirsty, and wants to chill out in the shade for a bit. (This is alarmingly out-of-character, and if I were Superman, I would be suspicious).

Pg.2: Isn't any restaurant on Earth handy for Superman? There is no reason why they had to go to this dive. I love that Superman wanted to share a table with Safari Guy and Commie Army Guy. Especially since there are only two chairs at that table. He must have known what their reaction would be. Maybe this is how he always gets tables.

Pg.3: There is so much awesome on this page that I have to break it down by panel.

Panel 1: Superman looks adorable leaning back in that chair like that. Batman, on the other hand, has very bad posture. I would expect better from a hard-core yoga guy. I love that they both order milk, and I especially love Batman's flustered "--Ah, uh, Make that two." This is a strange thing to say, and for a second I thought maybe the "ah" was the second part of a word he was trying to say when he was interrupted. But unless he was saying "Firstah," I guess not.
The only other explanation is that Batman is nervous and is trying to work up the nerve to tell Superman something.
Let's look at the patrons of the bar. We have two open-shirted cowboys, a lumberjack, and another safari guy. This looks like an over-the-top gay bar.

Panel 2: Add 'naked guy' to the list of bar patrons. Superman looks right at home here.
This panel begins their charming conversation.

Panel 3: GOD DAMN! BATMAN!! "Even a loner needs a friend sometimes..." My heart just shattered into a million pieces. That's the saddest Batman I've ever seen.

Just in case there are people who are just scanning this entry, and not really reading the comic, let's get a closer look at that panel:

Beautiful.

I also like that the background guys think that they are filming Superman IV. Even in this universe, there are Superman movies. I love it!

Panel 4: Neither of them are saying a word. They are just gazing meaningfully at each other while Superman touches Batman's arm. I know it's a colouring error, but I like to think that Batman has rolled up his sleeve to better feel Superman's gentle caress.
Love the cowboy's quote. "Tender." Way to ruin the moment, jackass. They were totally going to kiss!

Panel 5: I like to think that our heroes are still gazing silently at each other.

Pg.4:

Panel 1: Superman is totally making a pass here.

Panel 2: "What's holding up our milks?" is the best Batman quote of all time.
I LOVE that the cowboy wants to buy Batman a drink. And that he wants to "put hair" on his "lily-white chest." Says the guy with the snow white chest that looks pretty damn smooth. Pot? Meet Kettle! Sheesh!
Also love that cowboy #2 calls Superman "ma'am."
This panel is really creepy.

Panels 3, 4, 5 & 6: AWESOME!

Pg.5: It is rare and wonderful to find a man whose face goes 'BONK!' when you punch it.
It's just awesome that this ends with our heroes going to Bruce's house for brunch. Perfect. Also, they are assholes for talking Alfred into making them food. If it's morning in South Africa, I can't even imagine what ungodly hour it is in Gotham. Can't either of them fry an egg? Superman wouldn't even need a stove!
I would love to read a My Dinner With Andre-style sequel to this where they just talk about stuff over eggs benedict. Sadly, World's Finest #303 does not deliver.

Wings of Desire

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Here is post #1 in a series that I call: Reviewing Darwyn Cooke's Garbage.

Mr Cooke was kind enough to give us boxes of comics he didn't want. Our job is to choose issues at random and write about them.

Hawkman #49

I think maybe it's time I paid more attention to Hawkman. Clearly I have been missing out.

Well, good morning to you, Handsome! Damn!

Hawkman always looks pretty cool, and I have always appreciated his bold shirtless look, but it's just a crime that he's been hiding that pretty face all this time.


And that's some pretty good hair. And nicely-sculpted eyebrows. Normally his face looks like this:

That's a pretty good look, but here's a better one:

Mmmmhmmm...I know I'd like to see it on a regular basis. I love the playfully unfastened pants.

This is the last Hawkman issue before the One Year Later shift. It's post Rann-Thanagar War. Some stuff happens...some fighting...or something...

I just really can't get past this:

What a man! An intense macho warrior who never wears a shirt. And is winged.

This comic gets a thumbs up from me. Just don't ask me what it's about.