A Few Quick Reviews of Some Recurring Patterns That I've Noticed In the Comics of Yesteryear, By Johnathan

Rather than do four small reviews, I have decided to serve them all up in a single entry, like a delicious platter of tiny foodstuffs. I think that I might call them 'Reviewlets,' or maybe 'Opinion Mini Quiches.' No matter, on with the ridiculousness!

First up:

The Tendency of Male Versions of Female Superheros to Wear the Exact Same Costume as Their Originals (Opinion Mini Quiche):

Take a look at this:
Saturn Girl and Princess Projectra are being manhandled by their male counterparts. I do admit that 'Prince Projectur' doesn't look too bad (though I question his choice of pants), but let's take a closer look at Saturn... Boy? Lad? Male.

He's wearing a bathing suit, folks. The white modesty panels that he's installed on the sides do nothing to disguise the fact that he took this directly out of Saturn Girl's closet. And gender-flipped doppelgangers do this every time - it's like there's a union and they'll either cover dental or the cost of costume tailoring.

NOT APPROVED

Next:

Over-Zealous Recapping (Opinion Mini Quiche):

Check this out:
In just two panels - two poorly, poorly-written panels - they've established the names of the whole Kent family, the names of their erstwhile visitors, how everyone relates to one another, and that Clark Kent (son of Jonathan and Martha [wife to Jonathan {Kent, Father to Clark} and mother to Clark {who is Superboy}, as well as girlhood friend to Lisa {mother to Kathy}] and secretly Superboy [Superboy is Clark {Superboy} Kent]) is actually Superboy. I'm surprised that they didn't squeeze in the origin of Beppo the Super-Monkey, honestly.

Now I understand that the average reader of Superboy comics circa 1970 probably needed this sort of thing - they weren't the media-savvy mental giants that we are today - but really: couldn't they have stretched it out a bit more?

NOT APPROVED

Hup!

Misogyny (Opinion Mini Quiche):

Simply put, Superboy kept the sisters down. Look at this:

So basically, Lana Lang got this alien belt, see, and she could wear it because she had such a slim waist, see, and it made her pretty much the equal of ol' Supes. Only drawback was that the belt functioned using advanced powers of magnetism, and so could only protect Lana from metallic projectiles such as bullets and not, say, rocks. Which is, I admit, a crappy weakness for someone to have. However: I do not see why this logically led to the destruction of the belt. Should someone whose only weakness (quick recap: Superboy's [Clark {Superboy} Kent] weakness is Kryptonite [Irradiated shards of the destroyed planet Krypton, home planet of Beppo the Super-Monkey]) seems to be about as common as sandstone, and who further seems to mention his susceptibility to it in every conversation that he ever has be allowed to take away someone's powers because they themselves have a weakness? Answer: no. Chauvinist pig.

NOT APPROVED

Last one!

Text Boxes With Hands (Opinion Mini Quiche):

I don't know if this was the work of one artist over at DC, or if it was a fad for a while, but text boxes with arms and hands that pointed at each other and so forth were all the rage for a while.

Witness:

Now these guys were totally awesome.

JOHN APPROVED

Superman #126: Superman Plays British

I was going to go back to my idea of writing about comics that Darwyn Cooke gave us and write about Superman: True Brit, but that book is actually too ridiculous to bother reviewing.

I would much rather zip back in time and look at Superman posing as a Brit!

Like all good stories, this one starts with Superman giving himself amnesia.

Well, yeah Superman. I could have told you that experiment was a bad idea. And I never took chemistry.

So he starts to notice that he has some powers, and decides to try to learn more about himself:

Yeah, Superman. You study those murals. You study them hard. There is a lot of information there, so you might want to take notes. (I'm not entirely sure how he's using his super-breath in that picture. Is he cleaning the boat?).

Anyway, Superman decides he could use some normal-looking clothes, so he steals this guy's:

Alright, he doesn't steal. He accepts them as a gift. The point is that Superman looks totally ridiculous in a second.

Perry White is a whore for accents.

I was going to post these panels in full-colour, but I really think the black and white is better because it lets you use your imagination more. Superman looks silly, but consider for a moment just how silly he really looks. Monocle, pipe that never leaves his mouth, and, get this TALCUM POWDER in his hair to make it look blonde. This does not make your hair look blonde. It makes it look like it's full of talcum powder. Believe me. Basically what I am saying is that Superman looks like a crazy person.

But it's not all pipe-smoking and goofy-talking for Clarence Kelvin. He has to do some Superman chores as well. Like this one:
One of the key differences between the DCU and our world is that DC whales are vicious killing machines. I could do a whole post about people being rescued from golden and silver-age blood-thirsty whales. (I also like that the narration reminds us that Clarence Kelvin is actually Superman. In case we got lost in the intricate plot).

What's Lois think of our Clarence?

Par for course.

Yeah, Superman. Your new identity is wearing a little thin. It was never really what you might call 'fat.' See, the problem now is that you not only are a man who looks like Superman, but you are also a man who looks like Clark Kent with a monocle, a pipe and powder in your hair. Tweed suit does not a new man make. I'm actually surprised neither Lois nor Perry weren't immediately like "Morning, Kent. What's with the pipe?"

Superman eventually gets his memory back. I won't bore you with the details. He then comes up with this cunning plan as a way to further confuse poor Lois:

Way to make Lois feel like an idiot, Superman. Again.

I like Clark's posture and expression in that last panel.

So, there you have it. Superman and Britain. Never a good combination.

Just What I Always Wanted

From DC Nation #30:

Howard Porter. Thanks for turning the INFINITE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL cover around so quickly.

Great. So we can expect a giant-eyed, scary-haired, over-shadowed, labia-exposing Christmas gift from DC this year.

Back to Basics

Ok, the token Marvel post is out of the way, and now I can get back to yammering on about Superman and Batman.

Here are some random panels that have amused me this week:

Batman demonstrates that, sometimes, the simplest solution is the best solution.

I love this. Batman's just like "Aw, screw it."

Here's an example of Superman doing that thing I hate where he throws an irrelevant reference to Krypton into a simple statement:

Really? A Kryptonian mule? Do those kick harder than Earth mules? Or do you mean if a Kryptonian mule was brought to Earth? Do they even have mules on your frozen planet? Oooo...sorry. I meant, did they have mules on your frozen planet? Before it blew up.

(Spell check wonders if by Kryptonian, I actually meant Estonian).

And, finally, a panel that once again makes me wonder if I should pay more attention to Hawkman. He seems to get up to all sorts of sexy adventures:

What could possibly be right about that, Hawkman? Nice ass, by the way.

I Love You, Mary Jane

I'm just going to come out and say it: I frigging love Marvel's Mary Jane comics. I don't care what age group they're targeting. This series is entertaining and I can't wait for the next installment.
Between this series and Runaways, Marvel is offering up some really excellent and believable teenage characters. I mean, these are comics that I would actually be ok with my future daughter reading.

This series is sort of like Degrassi, except the main character has a giant crush on the local superhero, who makes an appearance from time to time. It's always delightful when he does, full of hilarious Spider-Man quips.

Mary Jane Watson is an excellent role model for young girls. She's nice, she's smart, she's honest. She doesn't dress all slutty. She also isn't flawless, and she makes mistakes. Her fangirl crush on Spider-Man is just as embarrassing and real as the crush on ER's Dr Carter that I had at her age. Except sometimes she actually gets to talk to Spider-Man.

The crush starts when she's rescued by Spider-Man. It's pretty clear that Spider-Man has a pretty big crush on her, too. It's all just so damn cute.

In a later issue we get this excellent mirror scene:

Mary Jane goes to high school with Peter Parker, and she's sort of friends with him. He's just a geeky guy that she thinks is nice. Peter, of course, harbours undying love for her, although that's something the reader can only assume because we really don't hear from Peter very much. He likes to keep a low profile. MJ's best friend, Liz, is Flash's girlfriend. Flash likes to bully Peter. Meanwhile, Flash has a crush on Mary Jane, and Mary Jane is dating Harry Osborn, who is pretty much Peter's only friend.

I really like Mary Jane's relationship with Liz. Liz is a girl that, I think, everyone knew in high school. Over-dramatic, jealous, in a ridiculous relationship, but generally good-hearted. The kind of girl that needs a balanced friend like MJ. Liz also doesn't dress like a total slut, and she and MJ do normal, non-girly things when they're hanging out. Like shooting hoops. With their mid-riffs covered.
Awesome! Look at those girls! Hanging out. Talking intelligently! Playing basketball! Without giant breasts! So much better than, oh, I don't know...THIS:

I'd like to say that even when there is opportunity for slutty clothing in this series, Marvel doesn't take it. When the girls go to the homecoming dance, their dresses actually look like dresses that teen girls would wear to a dance. And when Liz is in her cheerleading uniform, it covers her whole body. After the dance, MJ even takes off her high heels when she walks home because they're uncomfortable! Realism!

The scenes with Mary Jane and Spider-Man are the best. Maybe because she's living the fangirl dream of actually interacting with her seemingly impossible crush. I like that MJ is actually pretty cool around him, and it's usually Spider-Man that gets all nervous:

In closing, look at how adorable Peter Parker is:
Ohmygod. If they don't get together I will just die. They are waytoocute. OTP 4eva!

A Much Better Review of Advertising, By Johnathan

Oh, heavens. I was wrong. When I wrote the advertising review (see below) this is the only ad that I needed. Take a second and read it:

There. See what I mean? It's a much better ad for my purposes - the i Patrol gets called in by the Mayor of their presumably very small town to lead the Hero Parade (which appears to be celebrating the Mayor and his brothers, if those sashes are hereditary), which is ludicrous. The kids get top hats and canes and ride into history in the best parade ever. This is all great stuff, but I just can't concentrate on it, and all because of one man:

Parade Hater Horace.

I love Parade Hater Horace. I love him so much. I love that he tried really hard to have the Hero Parade cancelled, and that he had the conviction to wear that sweater while doing it. I definitely love any villain that shouts 'Foiled again!" when foiled two or more times.

I wish that Parade Hater Horace was part of DC continuity - he could have tangled with the Flash or been a part of Superman's ridiculous Silver Age mythos. He could have gone nuts and joined up with the Luthor/ Brainiac Axis of Evil during Crisis on Infinite Earths and been killed by Oans or shadow monsters or something. Then he'd have been eased back into continuity by the cool writers - the ones who knew that it was a good idea to bring back Superdog but skip Ace the Bat Hound - and killed off and replaced by his nephew (who would have P4R4D3 down one arm and H8T3R down the other and a 'cool' haircut and 'rad' sunglasses) by the uncool writers - the ones who keep doing that kind of shit to every character ever. Then he could have been reimagined sans continuity by John Byrne and re-reimagined by Grant Morrison or someone. We'd have learned how he was abused by a parade when he was a kid or how a parade stole his woman or how the government programmed him to combat parades because of an ancient prophecy that predicted that a parade would someday put out the sun. In the big fight outside of the Gulag in Kingdom Come there'd be some dude in a yellow shirt beating the tar out of one of the Wonder Twins, as lovingly rendered by Alex Ross. And after he found out about the mind wipes he'd have come back deadlier than ever.

hmmm.

Oh, Horace. What might have been.

Entirely,

JOHN APPROVED