Confidential

After two issues of Superman Confidential, I can safely say that it is totally awesome. I knew there was no chance that a Darwyn Cooke/Tim Sale team-up would suck. My stance on re-visiting the early years of super heroes is that they are good for both new readers and hardcore fans. Especially at a time where DC's biggest heroes are returning to the screen, it's good to welcome potential fans who may feel intimidated by comic books. Because, let's face it, getting into comics is daunting. Superman: Birthright was a smart thing for DC to release at a time where Smallville, a fantastic marketing tool for reaching a new generation of potential comic book readers (in particular, female comic book readers), was one of the most popular teen shows on television. And the Confidential series are smart things to start up after the popularity of Batman Begins and Superman Returns.

So anyway. Superman Confidential is great. Cooke's retro story telling compliments Sale's retro artwork nicely. Superman is just plain adorable in this series. I think the below page illustrates that better than any (just after Superman finishes a potentially life-threatening battle with a volcano that leaves him a little shaken):

Awwwww. Man, that's the cutest Superman I've ever seen.

Moving on. Batman Confidential is looking pretty terrible so far. It's supposed to replace Legends of the Dark Knight, which is kind of too bad because that series was a lot of fun. A real mouthful, but a lot of fun.

And why is it that we can't get a decent Batman series off the ground? All-Star Superman totally rules. All-Star Batman and Robin...well. You know. Kind of the worst thing in comic book history. And I am counting that comic where Superman teamed up with the Quik Bunny.

Let's have a look at Batman Confidential:

Aaaaaaahhhhh!!! That's not Bruce Wayne! THAT'S NOT BRUCE WAYNE!!! That's Steve Buscemi. If he were kept in a jar of vinegar for seven months. Jesus lord...

Now I have to look at some panels from Dave Gibbons' Worlds Finest book to get that image out of my mind.
Ahhh. Now there's some cute Batman. Look at the way he kneels on that chair! And the way he buckles his belt! Adorable!

In Batman: Confidential Bruce is also shown handling the gun that killed his parents. He explains to Alfred (and to me, since I wondered about it while reading stupid, stupid Batman: Year Two) that he got if from the police after they were done using as evidence. Right.

The other thing that separates the Superman and Batman Confidentials, besides good writing and good art, is that the Superman story is about something interesting. It's going to be Superman's first encounter with Kryptonite. I like it. Batman's story is...wait for it...how he got all his gadgets. My guess: WayneTech. I mean, really, however did a billionaire scientist end up with all those cool toys? I can't imagine.

I also like that Superman is set in what looks something like the past. Whereas Batman seems to be set in the future. And that's just confusing. If one of the goals of these series is to attract new readers, and I think it should be, then maybe you should make the story make as much sense as possible. And maybe make it not suck.

Batman on Film: Ranked

Because it was brought up the other night while watching the Richard Donner cut of Superman II (totally watch this...it's worth it), here are how I would rank the Batman movies from best to worst.

1. Batman Begins
2. Batman Returns
3. Batman: The Movie (1966)
4. Mask of the Phantasm
5. Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt
6. Batman (1989)
7. The Batman/Superman Movie
8. Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker

9. Batman Forever
10. Batman and Robin

Notice the long break before those last two. No accident. Although, I might actually prefer Batman and Robin to Forever because it is one of the most hilarious things you can watch.

And, yeah. I think Batman Begins is the best Batman movie. Which one is better...really? We'd all love to stay stuck in the 90s and preach the virtues of Tim Burton to today's troubled youth, but...seriously. I can barely watch the first Batman movie because of Kim Basinger's CONSTANT SCREAMING. And I love that movie, I really do. But it's flawed. Very flawed. I greatly prefer Returns, but even that isn't so much a great Batman movie. It's just great for what it is.

Hopefully this will spark some debate. Because I know you nerds out there love to go on about what the best superhero movies are.

In the meantime...POW!

Can we talk about something else?

You can say a lot of things about Dr Light, but you can't say he doesn't love to say the word 'rape.'
Dr Light was a joke, then he was a scary rapist, then he was a lobotomized joke, and now he's a scary guy again...who loves to talk about rape.

He even gets all metaphorical talking about rape. You can start a conversation with him, and he will find a way to bring it back to rape.

Did somebody say 'rape?' You'd better believe he likes rape!

Gee whiz, dude! Why don't you just change your name to Dr Rape and get it over with! You'd think you didn't have any totally awesome super powers!

Although I will admit, this little dig is funny. I'd say it's worth having him clumsily insert a rape reference into a conversation to get this insult out:

Ha! Green Arrow gets hot for arrows! Just like Dr Light gets hot for rape!

Superman: How It Should Have Ended

I'm pissed because I stupidly bought the lame Superman Returns DVD with no special features by accident. This video was the only thing that cheered me up. Hilarious!

Excuse me, do you have the time?

You know what I like about the Clock King?

He clearly made his costume himself.

It looks like what you end up with when you're trying to throw a Halloween costume together at the last minute. Let's see...I've got some blue pyjamas...I could paint some clocks on those. And I have this green hooded cape. That doesn't really match, and I don't really need it for anything...but it might look kinda cool. I suppose if I wear these green underwear over the pjs that would sort of match the cape. It would bring it all together. I'll need some sort of mask...preferably something that almost completely obscures my vision. I'll just poke some eye holes in this clock face, I guess. And secure it to my head with this rubber band. Now just add the white rubber boots and long blue gloves...voila! Alright, it's not as cool as my original design...the one where I had actual working clock gears rotating on my chest...but I'm on a budget here.

Lookin' good, Clock King! Though I'm kind of surprised that he doesn't seem to be wearing a watch.

Oh, and he also looks like Charles Bronson with his mask off:

A Few Quick Reviews of Some Recurring Patterns That I've Noticed In the Comics of Yesteryear, By Johnathan

Rather than do four small reviews, I have decided to serve them all up in a single entry, like a delicious platter of tiny foodstuffs. I think that I might call them 'Reviewlets,' or maybe 'Opinion Mini Quiches.' No matter, on with the ridiculousness!

First up:

The Tendency of Male Versions of Female Superheros to Wear the Exact Same Costume as Their Originals (Opinion Mini Quiche):

Take a look at this:
Saturn Girl and Princess Projectra are being manhandled by their male counterparts. I do admit that 'Prince Projectur' doesn't look too bad (though I question his choice of pants), but let's take a closer look at Saturn... Boy? Lad? Male.

He's wearing a bathing suit, folks. The white modesty panels that he's installed on the sides do nothing to disguise the fact that he took this directly out of Saturn Girl's closet. And gender-flipped doppelgangers do this every time - it's like there's a union and they'll either cover dental or the cost of costume tailoring.

NOT APPROVED

Next:

Over-Zealous Recapping (Opinion Mini Quiche):

Check this out:
In just two panels - two poorly, poorly-written panels - they've established the names of the whole Kent family, the names of their erstwhile visitors, how everyone relates to one another, and that Clark Kent (son of Jonathan and Martha [wife to Jonathan {Kent, Father to Clark} and mother to Clark {who is Superboy}, as well as girlhood friend to Lisa {mother to Kathy}] and secretly Superboy [Superboy is Clark {Superboy} Kent]) is actually Superboy. I'm surprised that they didn't squeeze in the origin of Beppo the Super-Monkey, honestly.

Now I understand that the average reader of Superboy comics circa 1970 probably needed this sort of thing - they weren't the media-savvy mental giants that we are today - but really: couldn't they have stretched it out a bit more?

NOT APPROVED

Hup!

Misogyny (Opinion Mini Quiche):

Simply put, Superboy kept the sisters down. Look at this:

So basically, Lana Lang got this alien belt, see, and she could wear it because she had such a slim waist, see, and it made her pretty much the equal of ol' Supes. Only drawback was that the belt functioned using advanced powers of magnetism, and so could only protect Lana from metallic projectiles such as bullets and not, say, rocks. Which is, I admit, a crappy weakness for someone to have. However: I do not see why this logically led to the destruction of the belt. Should someone whose only weakness (quick recap: Superboy's [Clark {Superboy} Kent] weakness is Kryptonite [Irradiated shards of the destroyed planet Krypton, home planet of Beppo the Super-Monkey]) seems to be about as common as sandstone, and who further seems to mention his susceptibility to it in every conversation that he ever has be allowed to take away someone's powers because they themselves have a weakness? Answer: no. Chauvinist pig.

NOT APPROVED

Last one!

Text Boxes With Hands (Opinion Mini Quiche):

I don't know if this was the work of one artist over at DC, or if it was a fad for a while, but text boxes with arms and hands that pointed at each other and so forth were all the rage for a while.

Witness:

Now these guys were totally awesome.

JOHN APPROVED