The Prop Comedy Stylings of Superman!

My blog has been so negative lately, mostly due to the shitty month I'm having. So today I decided to turn to the one thing that will always cheer me up: Silver Age Superman.

Appropriately enough, there is a story in Superman #136 called "The Super-Clown of Metropolis" which has the Man of Steel trying to cheer a sad old guy up. Though he fails at this task, he certainly helped me crack a smile.

Our story begins at the Daily Planet. Clark does some terrible lying and then, seemingly unaware that he doesn't actually get paid for his super-deeds, excitedly decides that business is picking up.

You already were, Superman. Or have you forgotten your old pal Bruce Wayne?

"Sad Sam" is a dying billionaire who has one wish: to laugh. Because he never has. He has a depressing and insane proposition for Superman:

Woah. That is messed up. Sad Sam does not deserve to laugh. He deserves to die.

The insanity of Sad Sam's ultimatum doesn't faze our hero. Instead, he goes to the Fortress of Solitude to gather up a box of comedy props. You really won't believe what he puts in that box. Then he returns to the old guy's house and busts out his A-material. He opens with a hilarious television joke:

Oh groan, Superman. That is terrible. Since this joke doesn't work, Supes pulls out the big guns: a midget.

So awful. Even worse is the fact that Superman transported this midget from the Fortress in that crate of props. So he keeps a midget in the Arctic, where he practices comedy routines with him. (I know we could believe that the midget is a robot...but for comedy's sake, let's not).

Ok, so a midget won't make Sam laugh (so Sam does have a shred of decency...unlike some Supermen). But what about...a midget and a giant pie?!

Sam's right, Superman. It isn't funny.

After this, Superman just gets desperate:

Is Sam made of STONE?! That is HYSTERICAL! Also, this:

But the punchline...not so much:

That quote from Sam in the second panel is fantastic. I want that on a t-shirt. Also, I love that Superman, as usual, is thinking about what he's doing as he's doing it "It's my own flying power, rather than the bubble, that's making me rise!" No shit, Superman. But that is a pretty impressive bubble.

Things get even weirder, if you can believe it. Nothing leaves 'em rolling in the aisles like an "I'm dying!" gag.

So...did he also have that small child in the prop crate? I hope so. That kid really steals the show. Excellent line delivery.

Then things get really confusing:

HAMBONE! Oh, Superman. Please marry me. We will live in your Arctic fortress together, building robots and naming them. We'll have one for everything!

So with this comic we have solid proof that Superman is:

a) Not funny, and
b) Insane

I know you're dying to learn what happens at the end of the story. Well, Superman, surprisingly enough, fails to make Sad Sam laugh. So no money for the orphans. Then he returns as Clark Kent (far too quickly) to write an article about Superman's failure. Sam catches Clark changing into Superman and believes it to be a joke. A HILARIOUS joke:

Yup, that's a good one, alright. So good that Sam donates his money to the orphanage after all and...

And I can't stop laughing every time I think of Superman saying "Lookee me! I'm a boid!" with his tongue sticking out. Thank-you, Superman. Now they call me "Happy Rachelle." My spirits are raised, my health has improved and I'm working on my second blog post. What a mad finish to my zany month.

An Open Letter in Response to DC Nation #45

Dear Eddie Berganza:

Where do I even start?

No. I will not give Supergirl a shot. I already gave her a shot, and I am still trying to get over the nausea.

You want to make her a "normal teenager"? Then cover her the fuck up. Go check out a comic called Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane. Those are teenagers. Supergirl looks like an anorexic blow-up doll with a torso that's longer than her legs (which are also very long) and eyes that are bigger than her waist.

Y'know, you could almost convince me to give her a shot with the promise that you are re-inventing her, except for the part where you said "the incomparable Michael Turner." Incomparable? Incomparably shitty, maybe. After all, didn't his art inspire my favourite action figure?

The amazing Elongated Super-Girl! Now with bed-head and stripper eyes! Crotch that's lower than her skirt? You bet! (Jesus...just how long is her torso anyway? Seriously!)

Also, wow. You invited one real live woman to your conference call to discuss the future of the character. And she "was pivitol in giving us a woman's point of view on the character." Her suggestion: Kara needs to gain some weight. Well, agreed, but she needs a lot more than that. Let's have a look:

Well, let's just consider ourselves lucky that she has no real crotch area and that her legs go right into her stomach (or lack of). Because otherwise Nightwing would be unable to concentrate. (Alternate joke: It's so rare that you get to see Dick and snatch on the same cover).
The cape is nice. The sleeves are nice. I like the pointy cuffs. But that shirt has to come down a few inches. Or all the way to the waist. Or the skirt needs to be more than a curtain tie. The porn face is also a problem.

But enough about my problems with Supergirl, Eddie. Let's talk about my problems with you.

Shut up, Eddie. I'm not reading Supergirl for the same reason I don't read the new Flash comics, Batman Confidential, or the Martian Manhunter series: they suck ass. I don't care that this comic is MADE for ladies so therefore I SHOULD like it. I don't. It doesn't interest me and I am busy spending money on and reading the comics that you actually bother to put good writers and artists on. Because, and maybe I shouldn't speak for all women here because I don't know, I think that we appreciate...quality. You know, good stories, good art, good characters, and costumes that don't make you throw up in your mouth.

You know what I would like? I would like you to invite the "ladies" to come out and give The Brave and the Bold a shot. Because that's what I'm really looking forward to. Or The Spirit. Or Jonah Hex. Or The Justice Society. You know. Good comics.

Maybe you could just slap some pink covers on them so girls can understand them. Or make them out of chocolate. It doesn't really matter because we just use them to blow our noses on when watching The Notebook anyway.

You horrible douchebag.

Truly,
Rachelle

Ugly Ads

Oh man there are a couple of ads that are frequently appearing in comics these days that bother the shit out of me. I'm sure you'll all agree.

1. The Wii Ad.

This ad bothers me so much it makes me not even want to play with a Wii. The comic format for ads is annoying, but this one is especially grating because it fools me every time. I always read the first panel before I'm like ...wait a minute, I know this kid...It's that damn Wii kid! Aw man! Usually comic ads don't blend quite so well with the actual comics.

If the comic ad doesn't feature members of the Justice League or the Archies preaching the greatness of Hostess snack cakes, I don't want to see it.

2. The Family Guy video game ad.

It's big, it's loud, it's annoying. It tries too hard to be funny but fails anyway. It's...JUST LIKE THE SHOW! And it's often right on the inside front cover, serving as a jarring contrast to the often spectacular first page of a story. I think the best example is from The Authority #1:

Arrrgh!! Gross! I hate you, Family Guy! I hate you so much!

3. That HeroQuest ad, which I am not going to scan for the very same reason that makes me hate it: It's freaking gigantic. Pages and pages of boring, nerdy nonsense that tricks me into believing that the comic I am picking up is going to be extra-long and packed with awesomeness Nope. It's packed with HeroQuest.

Go to hell, ugly ads. Stop uglying up my comic books.

Shut Up, Jeph Loeb (#1)

For the record, I don't hate Jeph Loeb. He's written things that I've enjoyed quite a bit. Things that many comic readers did not enjoy. Say what you want about Hush, but it is hands-down the best superhero comic book to lend to someone who doesn't read superhero comic books. This is because of three key Loeb traits that are more than present in Hush, and pretty much everything else the guy writes:

1. Heavy-handed, repetitive, soul-searching in the form of interior monologues, usually serving as narration.
2. A veritable all-star game of every hero and villain he can think of, each with a clear introduction, regardless of how well the characters actually fit into the story.
3. Cuteness.

Loeb's stories often go nowhere, but at least there are lots of clear roadsigns along the way. And the artwork is always nice because he gets superstar artists. What I'm saying is, his comics are easy to read, and this might explain his popularity among the casual comic fan (read: people who read comics to feel closer to Brandon Routh).

Like I said, I don't hate the man's writing, and I can see that he has enormous love for the characters and so forth. But pretty much every time I read one of his stories I hit a moment where all I can think is...

I guess I should give an example. Hmmmm...so many to choose from...

Alright, here's a good one. From Superman/Batman #4. These are probably the only two pages of these books that don't explicitly indicate that Superman and Batman are totally in love with each other. Because that's another Loeb trait: all superheroes love each other as much as Loeb loves them.

Anyway, in these panels we have S & B fighting it up against a grab bag of DC superheroes. Here's a chunk of what they're thinking:

Did I mention that Loeb likes to have his characters over-explain things? He does.

"S. Castling."?! Why don't you just say "switch"? It's not like that's code for anything. Any idiot would know what you're planning. But just in case the readers are morons, Superman explains it to us. And adds something cute about Bruce loving chess. And then Batman makes a cute remark about it. No, wait...Batman thinks a cute remark about it.

So within these two pages we see examples of all three signs that you're reading a Loeb story: overly spelled-out narration in the form of interior monologues, loads of random characters, and unbearable cuteness.

Frankly I'd be ok with all of that if the story would just go somewhere satisfying for once. Always with the convoluted craziness! Like this story, for example, started by being about Metallo and the possibility that he murdered Thomas and Martha Wayne back when he was merely John Corben. But it ended by being about...Captain Atom zapping Superman with a Kryptonite ring so that he could be the one to pilot a giant composite Superman/Batman-shaped spacecraft and destroy a Kryptonite meteor headed for Earth while Batman and a recovered Superman battle Lex Luthor. And even to get into the larger story of Superman being framed by Luthor for wanting to destroy the Earth, we have to accept the fact that the entire world and all Justice League and Justice Soceity superheroes would agree that a Kryptonite meteor is evidence enough that Superman is out to destroy them all. *sigh*

Review of the Super-Human Detritus of the 30th Century, Part 2, By Johnathan

Next up: Storm Boy!
Before we got down to the nitty-gritty of the events surrounding Storm Boy's application to the Legion, let's take a look at appearance. His hair: square and marine-esque, it probably said someting to the DC audience of the time, but I'm not sure what. This was the early sixties, and I'm not certain at what point the owner of such a haircut would have metamorphosized from an upstanding young man to a complete and utter square. In any case I like his hair, because of its rarity in the comic medium - you're not likely to find it on anyone other than Sergeant Rock... and maybe Captain Atom. I like his glasses even more, and for the same reason: superheros don't wear glasses (Clark Kent et al do not count). And I wear glasses, so. Plus, this thing's set a thousand years in the future! I honestly would have thought that by the year 2962 (or whenever) children would be scanned in the womb and at the first sign of myopia the cloning process would begin. New eyes would be grown in a matter of minutes and installed in utero, and the entire family would henceforth speak of 'Billy's little problem' in hushed tones when he wasn't around. Assuming that my powers of prediction are infallible - and permitting myself a lapse into vulgarity - this guy's eyes must be fucked up!

Moving on, Storm Boy's clothing is a standard 30th Century jumpsuit. For a while I'd thought that he was wearing a glowing jewel around his neck, but I recently realized that that thing is his superhero emblem - he's chosen to represent the awesome powers of the thunderstorm with a little glowy cloud thing. Questionable, but we all just have to remember that the guy's eyes are fucked up.

Enough with the fashion critique. It's time for the nitty-gritty!

Storm Boy lives up to his name and his glowy cloud and calls up a thunderstom. He Impresses Bouncing Boy - looks like the guy's a shoe-in! But wait...

Oops! He was doing it with a little device in his pocket! And that's the number one rule when seeking membership in the Legion of Superheros: you gotta have your own powers. Storm Boy's little remote control is a big no-no, and one that he likely knew about, which is why I ask the question: why'd he do such a bad job of using it? Sticking his hand in his pocket like that. So disappointing, but even if he wasn't a moron and hid it in his boot or something what did he expect to happen? Did he think that he'd do well as a member and that everyone would just laugh it off when they found him out? Listen, Storm Boy, if a Legionnaire loses his or her powers at two o'clock they're out the door with a selection of erased memories by four thirty. They don't even get a party. And that's Sun Boy - you they'd probably hunt for sport.

So anyway:


They get Triplicate Girl to kick him out and think no more of it. And that, if you were wondering, is why they keep Triplicate Girl around.

Some closing thoughts:

1) I sure hope that this wasn't one of those needlessly complicated comic books schemes where, say, Storm Boy's sister has been kidnapped by gangsters and he's not allowed to go to the police but he figures that if he joins the Legion he can trick them into rescuing her. Because they didn't really give him a chance to explain.

2) Did Cosmic Boy give back that storm-making device?

"Hey guys! I got a new power! I'm magnetic and I can make storms!"

Storm Boy is:

NOT APPROVED

Review of a Great Video Game, By Johnathan

Second non comic book-related review in a row! It'll be a quick one, though.

So I started playing a game called Bookworm Adventures yesterday (check it out here). Essentially it's Boggle - you get a selection of letters and have to spell things from them - but with a plot. There's this worm, see, and he's on a quest and fights monsters with greater or lesser ferocity depending on the length of the words that you manage to spell. Attention nerds! It is time to do very well at a video game based solely on the strength of your vocabulary! And Stephen Notley of Bob the Angry Flower fame worked on it in some capacity! Which is I admit only impressive if you're me, but still:

JOHN APPROVED

Addendum: A Mini-Quiche due to popular demand (you know who you are).

Tiny Review of Sussex Golden Ginger Ale, By Johnathan.

It's simply the best ginger ale there is.

JOHN APPROVED