Review of My Own Actions This Past Sunday, By Johnathan

I'll let the series of small reviews tell the tale:

Having sushi with Brad and Alex: JOHN APPROVED.

Going out for a beer or two afterward: JOHN APPROVED.

Having six or seven beer: NOT APPROVED.

Being drunk until noon the next day: NOT APPROVED.

Having a day off because of this, even if it was mostly spent hung over: JOHN APPROVED.

Breaking the bar's door on the way out: NOT APPROVED.

Making sure that they had my correct phone number so that I could pay for said door: Morally JOHN APPROVED/ Financially NOT APPROVED

Learning on Tuesday that I had called up a friend at midnight Sunday to demand that he build me a 'Laugh-o-Meter' that is capable of determining who could laugh the loudest: NOT APPROVED.

Learning that I was apparently persuasive enough that he is building it: JOHN APPROVED.

Overall: NOT APPROVED

Destroying Music...The Marvel Way!

If you need a Valentine's Day gift idea, might I suggest having your loved one's name inserted into a terrible song about Marvel heroes? Or perhaps...a whole CD of Marvel-based songs?

A multitude of delightful phoned-in songs that are vaguely creepy and factually incorrect. But you don't have to take my word for it...

Please click on this link and listen to the song samples. All of them. You won't regret it.

I would especially recommend the Wolverine Rap. The trilogy of Superwish, Fly With Me and Show and Tell is also incredible.

I would love to give this gift to a friend with a five-syllable name. See them work that in there.

Wouldn't this be awesome if they had Stan Lee record your kids name, and his crazy voice interrupted every song several times? "Let's set a trap for Doctor Octopus AARON."

And I thought Spider-Man Rocks! was lame.

All I'm saying is...DC doesn't do this shit.

Grant Morrison 1, Jeph Loeb 0

I really didn't want to dis Jeph Loeb again so soon. But seriously, this is me going easy on Wolverine #50.

What does Jeph Loeb have against Canada? We only have one good Canadian hero, and he wants to make him act all American. Sure some mysterious Canadian bad guys did some terrible things to Logan, but terrible things are done to all heroes, usually by Americans. They don't hate America because of it. One Canadian dig is fine. Sure. On a cold day I might casually renounce my citizenship too. But page after page after page?!

Grant Morrison rules. He does Canada proud with his Wolverine:

Yeah, that's right. Correcting the asshole. A little patriotism before a fight? Not bad.

Or maybe the Canadian government sits around thinking up stupid things for Wolverine to say in battle (??!!), as suggested by this (agonizingly cute) Loeb page:

Oh, chill, Wolverine. I would argue that you were saying things that were far more ridiculous in the first half of this very comic book. But you looked pretty while you said them, thanks to Simone Bianchi's snazzy artwork.

You Can Do It, Put Your Ass Into It

There is a right way and a wrong way to fight crime.

This is ALWAYS the WRONG WAY:

Dirty pool, Elongated Man. Dirty, disgusting pool.

World's Grossest Detective

I have a hard time reading Elongated Man comics because every couple of panels or so I see something that makes me want to throw up.

Also, Elongated Man, just because you can stretch, doesn't mean that's always the right solution.

Here he is hiding out underwater and spying on a nearby boat. He STRETCHES his EYES above the water and kind of INFLATES THEM and oh god I'm going to be sick...

Grossssss! The pupils protruding a little! And, seriously, that is a lot more noticeable to the dude you're spying on than just, say, sticking your head above the water. And I guess his eyes are invulnerable to salt water. Ow.

He loves this trick. Here it is again:

But how can he breathe underwater? By stretching his nose above the waves, of course. Disgusting!

Then he lends an ear:

Ok. They are TOTALLY going to see that ear. And throw up.

He's also gross on land. Check this move out:

Noose Nose! No! He just lassoed that guy with his NOSE and then reeled him in by tugging on his NOSE. Then in that last panel you can see his nose slithering limply on the ground. Oh, why did I eat turkey bacon this morning? The GLOOOP sound coming out of the crook doesn't help.

I have to wrap this up because I am positively green now, but I'll leave you with this puzzling elongated forehead move:

That guy who is crumpled on the ground behind the stretchy sleuth is an embodiment of how I feel right now. Owooo. And yeah, Elongated Man is sneezing as he does this. So I guess that guy is just lucky that he's not lassoing him with his nose. Because Elongated Man would do that. Because he is disgusting.

R.I.P. - Legends of the Dark Knight

I feel like something should be said about the final issue of Legends of the Dark Knight hitting stores today. I celebrated this monumental occasion by forgetting to buy it, as usual.

LotDK was always hit-or-miss. When it was good, it was very good (Matt Wagner's Faces, Grant Morrison's Gothic, the recent Bruce Jones run). Usually it was just weird, but it was at least imaginative and reasonably fun to read. And if nothing else, it was extra Batman reading, which I certainly don't have a problem with. The series, which was supposed to be stories from Batman's early years but often strayed from that theme, is being replaced by the currently horrid Batman Confidential. As far as I'm concerned it's been replaced by Matt Wagner's awesome Monster Men/Mad Monk series. I hope they continue forever. That's some fun early years adventure reading.

I was going to post a bunch of my favourite LotDK moments, but I keep thinking about last month's issue (#213) and how I really wanted to post something about it as soon as I read it.

Did y'all read this thing? It's bizarre. Basically it involves Batman having to track down a criminal who is a total foaming-at-the-mouth superhero nerd/collector. I'm always amused when a comic book makes a villain out of its readers. Not that I am as nerdy as this guy. No way.

Batman has to follow this guy, who has stolen one of Batman's cape and cowl combos from a black market dealer, to Japan. This dude is into cosplay, which, according to Batman, is "Costume play. Dressup as a hobby or kink." (Did I ever want Batman to explain cosplay to me? No I did not).

Here's what I don't like: when a writer forces their own interests on an established character, no matter how ridiculous. I would even call that lazy when we're talking about fanfiction, nevermind an actual canon comicbook. It's like if I got to write a Batman comic and I had him lead the Montreal Canadiens to the Stanley Cup. Fun for me, confusing for everyone else.

So Bruce Wayne goes to Tokyo to hunt this geek down, and in the process we get to learn all about manga and cosplay subculture. Because Bruce knows all about it.

Gross.

To me, the best part of the book is that Bruce has to go undercover at a cosplay party, and chooses to dress as Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner specifically, it looks like). But look at the geekiness he has to put up with (remember, Bruce is the guy in the Lantern costume):

*shudder* I know Batman doesn't get scared very often, but I would not blame him for being effing terrified.

Anyway, the whole thing is just weird. And it ends with this conversation between Alfred and Bruce which is kinda funny, but also really wrong.

Now let's look at a good issue of LotDK, just to wash the taste of manga out of our mouths.

#125 was a No Man's Land tie-in written by Greg Rucka. So we're already off to a good start.

I really like this comic a lot. The entire thing is an awkward conversation between Batman and James Gordon in Gordon's backyard. They are trying to restore their friendship after a tough year, but they have some trust issues to work out first. Maybe it's just satisfying to see these two have a conversation that lasts so long. Especially one that is so fun to read. I especially love that pages of silence between them before Batman breaks the ice with a gardening compliment.

Gordon gets in some good digs during the argument.

Awesome! You tell him, Jim! And what does Batman have to say for himself?

Awww. Who needs a hug?

Batman is so moved by his friend's anger that he decides to show him the ultimate gesture of respect and trust by removing his mask. Only Gordon isn't interested.

I love it! This whole argument was just so manly and a great representation of their relationship.

So there it is. Legends of the Dark Knight: awesome conversations between Batman and Jim Gordon, or Batman dressing up like Green Lantern at a Japanese sex party. Something for everyone!

I'd love to hear some of your favourite or least-favourite Legends issues.