Superman + Robin + Elongated Man = Huh?

DC Comics Presents #58 (Mike W. Barr and Curt Swann). Superman teams up with Robin and the Elongated Man. Should be the best comic ever, right? Well...as surprising as this may sound, it's actually kinda weird and confusing.

I can't possibly explain the villains they are fighting in this story. Some sorta weird film memorabilia collectors who use technology to make suits that make it impossible for anyone to touch them. That's the best I can do. The important thing is that everyone piles onto Superman's back and heads West. And that it looks hilarious:

California, here we come!

Superman is a jackass several times in this story. Here's one example. An unnecessary aerial loop:

Very considerate, Supes.

In the final showdown against the puzzling villains, Superman gets zapped with some kinda gun that sort of damages his eyesight:

Ok, so his vision is a little wonky. What does he do? He hightails it outta there!

Jackass! "You and Elongated Man are on your own!" Superman only operates at 100%. The slightest disability and he makes like a banana.

Superman needs to be introduced to a little someone named Daredevil.

So Superman flies to the Sun (in about 40 seconds...which I just don't think is realistic. I mean, sure. A solar-powered super alien might be fighting a group of untouchable techno thieves alongside a teenage boy and a man who gets stretchy when he drinks concentrated fruit juice, but instant trips to the Sun? I'm sorry...I just don't buy it).

Um...for ordinary humans going to the sun would cause death. I think we're way past the effects of staring at the sun, here.

Yup, well, Superman is right. It works like eye-drops. Then he returns (way too quickly) to Hollywood to finish the fight against the confusing villains. I'll give Robin and Elongated Man credit. They pretty much had this thing wrapped up on their own. There was just one small detail left for Superman to take care of: the bad guy was still conscious.

Ha! "No! Don't touch my belt buckle!"

I like how Elongated Man calls Robin "Robbie." And I like that he is telling NO ONE that his nose stopped twitching. If there were one more panel after this, I think it would be Superman turning around and saying "Your nose? What? Oh. Right. Twitches when it smells a mystery. Whatever."

Review of My Own Actions This Past Sunday, By Johnathan

I'll let the series of small reviews tell the tale:

Having sushi with Brad and Alex: JOHN APPROVED.

Going out for a beer or two afterward: JOHN APPROVED.

Having six or seven beer: NOT APPROVED.

Being drunk until noon the next day: NOT APPROVED.

Having a day off because of this, even if it was mostly spent hung over: JOHN APPROVED.

Breaking the bar's door on the way out: NOT APPROVED.

Making sure that they had my correct phone number so that I could pay for said door: Morally JOHN APPROVED/ Financially NOT APPROVED

Learning on Tuesday that I had called up a friend at midnight Sunday to demand that he build me a 'Laugh-o-Meter' that is capable of determining who could laugh the loudest: NOT APPROVED.

Learning that I was apparently persuasive enough that he is building it: JOHN APPROVED.

Overall: NOT APPROVED

Destroying Music...The Marvel Way!

If you need a Valentine's Day gift idea, might I suggest having your loved one's name inserted into a terrible song about Marvel heroes? Or perhaps...a whole CD of Marvel-based songs?

A multitude of delightful phoned-in songs that are vaguely creepy and factually incorrect. But you don't have to take my word for it...

Please click on this link and listen to the song samples. All of them. You won't regret it.

I would especially recommend the Wolverine Rap. The trilogy of Superwish, Fly With Me and Show and Tell is also incredible.

I would love to give this gift to a friend with a five-syllable name. See them work that in there.

Wouldn't this be awesome if they had Stan Lee record your kids name, and his crazy voice interrupted every song several times? "Let's set a trap for Doctor Octopus AARON."

And I thought Spider-Man Rocks! was lame.

All I'm saying is...DC doesn't do this shit.

Grant Morrison 1, Jeph Loeb 0

I really didn't want to dis Jeph Loeb again so soon. But seriously, this is me going easy on Wolverine #50.

What does Jeph Loeb have against Canada? We only have one good Canadian hero, and he wants to make him act all American. Sure some mysterious Canadian bad guys did some terrible things to Logan, but terrible things are done to all heroes, usually by Americans. They don't hate America because of it. One Canadian dig is fine. Sure. On a cold day I might casually renounce my citizenship too. But page after page after page?!

Grant Morrison rules. He does Canada proud with his Wolverine:

Yeah, that's right. Correcting the asshole. A little patriotism before a fight? Not bad.

Or maybe the Canadian government sits around thinking up stupid things for Wolverine to say in battle (??!!), as suggested by this (agonizingly cute) Loeb page:

Oh, chill, Wolverine. I would argue that you were saying things that were far more ridiculous in the first half of this very comic book. But you looked pretty while you said them, thanks to Simone Bianchi's snazzy artwork.

You Can Do It, Put Your Ass Into It

There is a right way and a wrong way to fight crime.

This is ALWAYS the WRONG WAY:

Dirty pool, Elongated Man. Dirty, disgusting pool.

World's Grossest Detective

I have a hard time reading Elongated Man comics because every couple of panels or so I see something that makes me want to throw up.

Also, Elongated Man, just because you can stretch, doesn't mean that's always the right solution.

Here he is hiding out underwater and spying on a nearby boat. He STRETCHES his EYES above the water and kind of INFLATES THEM and oh god I'm going to be sick...

Grossssss! The pupils protruding a little! And, seriously, that is a lot more noticeable to the dude you're spying on than just, say, sticking your head above the water. And I guess his eyes are invulnerable to salt water. Ow.

He loves this trick. Here it is again:

But how can he breathe underwater? By stretching his nose above the waves, of course. Disgusting!

Then he lends an ear:

Ok. They are TOTALLY going to see that ear. And throw up.

He's also gross on land. Check this move out:

Noose Nose! No! He just lassoed that guy with his NOSE and then reeled him in by tugging on his NOSE. Then in that last panel you can see his nose slithering limply on the ground. Oh, why did I eat turkey bacon this morning? The GLOOOP sound coming out of the crook doesn't help.

I have to wrap this up because I am positively green now, but I'll leave you with this puzzling elongated forehead move:

That guy who is crumpled on the ground behind the stretchy sleuth is an embodiment of how I feel right now. Owooo. And yeah, Elongated Man is sneezing as he does this. So I guess that guy is just lucky that he's not lassoing him with his nose. Because Elongated Man would do that. Because he is disgusting.