My Favourite Archie Comic

Gather round, everyone. It's story time.

I want to share my very favourite Archie comic. It has so many elements I like: Ethel getting a date, Ethel showing up all those stupid jerks and bitches in Riverdale, a dreamy merman with super strength, and a bittersweet ending.

I love Ethel. The rest of Riverdale can burn. It's a town of ghouls. The amount of physical harm those kids do to each other terrifies me. Spawn of Satan, every last one of them. Except Dilton. That guy kinda rules. I don't know why the ladies fight over Archie and Reggie. Dilton is clearly the prize.

Anyway, I'm already off track. Here's the story:

Oh Veronica. You are so awful. When will Ethel finally kick your ass?

Ok, here's where things get awesome:

"I'm real! Here! Touch me!" Damn, I love me a smooth-talking merman. Even with Garfunkel hair.

Poor Ethel. Her esteem is so shot she assumes that merman is making fun of her. I like that she looks like she's thinking about punching him for it (She can't help the violent tendencies. It's the Riverdale upbringing).

Damn, this is mildly sexy, for an Archie comic. Dude gets Ethel to close her eyes while he gets naked and makes a little seaweed skirt for himself. I mean, that thing can't hide much.

I know that Betty is being nice, but she sounds really condescending. Man, don't comic writers realize how damaging it is to have one non-perfect looking female in a comic and then have her be the butt of every joke? It really makes a young female reader believe that she will never get a date because she is awkward-looking. Don't listen to them, Ethel! They are stupid bitches!

Onward!

Mermen are invincible. Neat.

Veronica, you suck. What if Ethel did hire him from an escort service? It would be better than your stupid date (who, from the looks of things, is Betty).

Here's where Bobby totally serves Veronica:

Awww. What a sad ending. I am really charmed by her having to return his tux for him, for some reason. It's just cute. And that he gets naked again in front of her. Racy!

So there you go. That's pretty much Archie comic perfection right there.

Remember in that Return to Riverdale TV movie when Ethel turned out to be a supermodel? That was nice. She should date Dilton.

Ditko vs Gobots

If I ever meet Steve Ditko (unlikely), these are what I am asking him to sign:

Oh, don't let the halfway decent cover art fool you. The art in these books is completely phoned in.

Look at them! They look like I drew them! When I was six! With my feet!

This is my favourite panel. This is how our three heroes meet Leader-1 for the first time:

He punches the little girl in the face through a window. I'm not sure if the kids are yelling "Help! Aliens!" or if that's what Leader-1 is saying. With his fist.

And here's the very next panel:

Those are some awkward proportions. The basic laws of physics would not allow that to happen. That kid in the orange jacket would basically have to be growing out of the mustache man's back. And the girl would have to have no legs.

Two panels later, the remarkably calm humans get a proper introduction:

"Yes, and I also have a few more questions for you to field: What the hell just happened? Am I high? and also, Could you please not punch us in the face again?"

God dammit! I expect quality in my Gobots super adventure books! I mean, by looking at this shoddy art one would get the impression that Ditko didn't care about this project. Almost as if he were only doing it for the money!

The joke's on you, Ditko collectors! You can't truly say your collection is complete until you own these fabulous volumes.

This Week's Haul: "Every Super-Villain For Themselves!"

Tremble in terror, comics that aren't All-Star Superman! You have chosen a bad week to come out! Line up and let yourself be compared to the undisputed masterpiece of Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely! Good luck!

All-Star Superman #7

There's a certain buzz in the comic shop when a new issue of All-Star Superman comes out. Even more so when the hardcover of the first six issues also happens to come out on the same day. This comic is the great uniter. Everyone loves it. I can barely process how awesome it is.

Let's all just take a minute to stare at these two pages, wherein Superman is setting his pet sun-eater free into space because it has grown too large for his zoo:

These are so beautiful and adorable, they melted me into a puddle of goo on my couch. No text at all, but you can see Superman doing the whole "It's ok, buddy, you're free now." And the sun-eater is grabbing him because he doesn't want him to leave! And, ohmygod, is it waving to him in the top panel on the second page?! Quitely! You're killing me!

From that page on it's non-stop Bizarro awesomeness. I love how Bizarro looks, and I love his homemade S-symbol. I love Superman jotting down the formula for an experimental Bizarro formula while listening to Jimmy's plan. I love Superman using his new powers. I love the Zibarro cliff-hanger. I love the cover for the next issue. I love this book.

Well, now that the bar has been set impossibly high, let's check out another comic.

Green Arrow #73

Connor's back! This series just got a whole lot sexier!

Awwwww.

This is the first issue in what I understand will be the final story arc of the series. Too bad. I really do love this book. I enjoy watching Ollie struggle to be a superhero now that he's got himself tangled up in all the strings that are attached to him. He's got Connor, Mia, Roy, Dinah AND he's the damn mayor of Star City. It makes it hard to also be a vigilante, and he's had to make a lot of sacrifices to protect his loved ones and his city. I am guessing that this story is going to have Ollie listen to the wisdom of his (attractive) son and just do what he's best at, consequences be damned, to save his city from crime lords.

I like Brick as a villain. Winnick writes a good laid-back, dead-pan bad guy who will snap with little notice and kill your ass. Now we have Merlyn on deck for the next issue, which is always fun, and Black Canary. Good times!

But it's no All-Star Superman.

Grifter/Midnighter #2

Is, um, anyone else reading this? Anyone?

It looks really nice. The art, by Ryan Benjamin, is really pretty. And the colouring, by Joel Benjamin, is fantastic.

I still really don't know anything about Grifter, except that he carries two guns, does some fancy shooting, and is reasonably hot. He also likes to take cheap shots at Midnighter's sexuality. The gist of the story is that Grifter was sent to kill a member of the Saudi royal family in Paris, and Midnighter was sent to protect the very same guy from Grifter. Then they are forced to put aside some of their differences because they have bigger problems: an alien attack.

There has been a disappointing lack of heads getting kicked off, but it's an alright series so far. Aliens. Guns. Hotties. Meh. It's better than Superman/Batman.

Definitely not All-Star Superman.

Wonder Woman #7

I liked this issue, but the art was back to being cheesecakey. Other than that, the art was pretty nice.

I like how tall Wonder Woman is in this issue. Much improved from last week.

There was a lot of fun stuff in here. I really liked the super-villain bar for people who dress up like super-villains. I really liked Nemesis making a snarky comment that its patrons are really into Ashlee and Jessica Simpson, and then we get this panel a couple of pages later:

I can't remember the last time a Wonder Woman comic made me laugh out loud.

I liked the fake Catwoman busting into the bathroom. I liked that Sarge Steel bothered to shoot a net over Wonder Woman when he arrested her. And what's not to like about this panel?:

But it ain't All-Star Superman.

52 Week 49

And the only book that came close to touching Grant Morrison this week is...also by Grant Morrison.

Holy God, this was awesome. Every damn page - awesome. Will Magnus strikes back as he reveals that he's been secretly building little tiny Metal Men while the other scientists have been trying to destroy the world. Mercury is babbling about how he's actually not the only metal that's liquid at room temperature, which is great. Then he gets shot by Morrow, which is unexpected and hilarious. Magnus lets Morrow escape before the JSA bust in and arrest them all. Meanwhile, Sivana is cutting his losses and getting the hell out of dodge, leaving a very angry Black Adam trapped on the very scary operating table:

We can only imagine what Adam has been through these past few days (Thunder pliers!! HA!).

And EVERYTHING on this page is awesome:

This was so great. And the cover is amazing. One of the best. Pats on the back for everyone!

Not All-Star Superman, but surprisingly close.

Spider-Man Loves Mary-Jane #17

Y'know, this book could change its title to Spider-Man Loves Firestar and I would be ok with that. Firestar is supercool and Spider-Man is all adorable with her.

I like the addition of Felicia Hardy, all bitchy and tough. And looking a lot more PG than usual. I don't know much about Black Cat, but I do know she has a tendency to walk around un-zipped.

I really like the fashions in this book. The kids are all so well-dressed all the time. It's better than Archie comics. And I really like this guy in the trench coat:

What do you think is going on with that guy? Baffled by the coffee shop menu? Forgot his wallet? Scared of all those punk teenagers?

How long is this series going to last? Forever? Please say forever.

Spider-Man and The Fantastic Four #1

A double-shot of fun Marvel comics! And, man, I needed this. Marvel has been very busy lately pumping out the various one-shots, and mini-series, and tie-ins, and new series, and front lines, and casualties, and war journals, and fallen sons, and whatever the hell else. None of it is fun. I needed some laid-back, Ben-pranking-Johnny, Spider-Man being nerdy, non-continuity Marvel silliness. And Marvel has delivered. Check it out:

Fun! And what do you think Ben has done to the pancakes? Definitely something...

I love the contrast in the crowd reactions to Spider-Man and Impossible Man showing up, and later when the Fantastic Four show up:

I'm looking forward to more of this!

Madman #1

I live in one of those loser parts of the continent where Madman didn't ship until this week.

This basically serves as a madcap summary of all previous Madman comics, which I have taken some time in the past week to re-read in preparation. Well, it turns out none of them are important because this issue tells us that none of it actually happened.
It's great to have some new Madman stuff. I look forward to the next issue when the content is truly brand new. I love Madman. He's got such a great attitude!

Rating the Super Hunks #1: Hal Jordan

A new weekly feature! How exciting! In the grand tradition of sexual exploitation in comic books, I'm going to devote a little time each week to selecting one superhero and measure how he stacks up in the sexy department. Actually, to be honest, I am not trying to make a statement at all here. I just want to talk about hotties.

I'm going to start with an easy one (Pun intended! Zing! Get it? Cause Hal's a slut!).

Hal Jordan, aka Green Lantern

Costume:

Hal's skin-tight, capeless one-piece has long been the gold standard in attractive costuming. Hal may not have chosen his costume, but he can't mind how great his butt looks in it. Green, black and white is an undeniably fantastic colour combination. Topped off with a simple green eye-mask that doesn't mess his hair, Hal's costume may hide his identity, but it doesn't hide how damn fine he is.

10/10

Alter-Ego:

Hal doesn't need to wear spandex to look good. Always well-dressed in simple, masculine basics like white shirts, khakis, and bomber jackets, he's got style that doesn't try too hard. Hal Jordan is cocky, playful and 100% all-man. And Hal Jordan is a great name, in the tradition of super heroes having two first names. Plus, he's the alleged bravest man on Earth. If only he could keep that ego in check.

8/10

Sexiness of Powers:

Hal is useless without his ring, and even with it he's no good against anything yellow (usually). These weaknesses aside, Hal's power is only limited by his own imagination. If you don't think that's sexy, I can't help you.

8/10

Day Job:

When he's not Green Lantern, Hal Jordan is a test pilot. And that's awesome.

10/10

Cons:

Despite his appearance of being head-strong and free-willed, Hal is essentially the Guardians' bitch. As a result, he's a very busy guy, always darting about the galaxy with little time for dinner dates. We can also assume that he's tapped a considerable amount of interplanetary ass, Shatner-style, so the possibility of alien STDs is a real concern.

More than a little conceited and, well, dumb, Hal might be a tiresome long-term companion, but he'd make a great one-night stand. With proper protection. There was also that unfortunate psychotic and homicidal episode a few years back, but if the JLA can forgive him, who am I to judge?

- 5

Final Score: 31 points out of 40

Not bad, Hal!

We'll have to wait and see how next week's Super Hunk measures up!

Review of Showcase Presents: The Legion of Super-Heroes, by Johnathan

Let the photo speak for itself.

JOHN APPROVED

This Week's Haul: Cowboys and Indians

I didn't get to read all my comics last night because of Grindhouse, so I'm a little late with this. I have some new additions to the weekly reviews. Most importantly, Jonah Hex, which I am now caught up on and have decided to buy monthly rather than wait for the trades because, frankly, it's pretty much my favourite comic.

This is also the week that Living Between Wednesdays reader and super-fan Mark Sable started writing Supergirl, so I checked that out.

I was hoping to be caught up on The Atom by now, but next month for sure! Same with Runaways. I'm also planning to add Blue Beetle, Birds of Prey, Green Lantern, Manhunter and Daredevil within the next month.

And there's some new Marvel junk this week. Let's get started!!

Justice League of America #7

You know, I was smiling throughout the entire three hours of Grindhouse. Then I got home and read this before bed, and damn if my face didn't get a chance to relax. This was delightful.

First of all, there's this:

Adorable! (Even cuter that he gets it framed and hangs it in the cave later).

And then there's Roy being totally great-looking in his new costume, and being all flustered and happy with being invited to join the league. And making Canary and Hal cry. And the new headquarters! With the slideways door that leads to the watchtower in space!! So rad! And the pull-out of the whole league?! That was an exciting surprise.

I really love this series. It's the little details. There are so many fun little moments like this one:

He looks at his boots!

I seriously love this line-up. It's going to be a good time.

I like Meltzer's banter. I like the things he imagines the heroes do together when they are hanging out. Like Arrow and Lantern:

All this plus a Starro story-line? Beautiful!

Midnighter #6

My boyfriend's back! And he's totally...weird. This one-shot story was set in feudal Japan. While not as fun as the rest of the Ennis run, it was certainly sexy. I actually don't have much to say about it. It was fine. Next month...Brian K Vaughan!

Superman #661

Ladies, ladies, ladies!

First of all, I just want to say that Wonder Woman's shorts looked fantastic in this comic, so nice work Eduardo Barreto! In general, I really liked the art in this book. It was cartoony and fun. This comic was mostly about women, and Superman just played a supporting role.
I really liked that Clark was magically changed into Superman in the middle of a room full of people and yet his identity remained protected because no one could remember what he looked like before he became Superman. ("Was he wearing glasses?" "No, a false mustache.")

Good-looking and fun. I liked it. Especially Lois breaking the fourth wall in the final panel.

52: Week 48

So that answers that question about where Batwoman is, one year later. Batwoman: we hardly knew ye. But you looked damn good. This issue was a lot more focussed than last week, but I have to say, the last page, being the only page not part of the Montoya/Batwoman storyline, was totally my favourite part. I guess my theory about Black Adam turning the tables on Sivana that I made last week was incorrect. He's in pretty rough shape. And Sivana saying "I finally found a way to dissolve the enamel on the Black Marvel's teeth" gets my vote for comic quote of the week. Or the year. (Think about it...he used the word "finally". That's hilarious).

Detective Comics #831

Not bad. Not bad at all. I really don't like Don Kramer's art, largely because his facial expressions are weird, but I didn't think it was too bad in this book. One thing I can say that's positive about his art is that he doesn't do cheescake. And there were a few panels in this book that were actually really nice. Like this one:

Harley is an undeniably endearing character, and Dini obviously loves writing her. It was a good little story. I really liked Harley telling Batman about meeting the Ventriloquist in Arkham and how he reached out to her. I'm a sucker for stories that humanize Bat-villains.

Superman/Batman #33

Ok, they should just change this to Superman Loves Batman and get it over with.

This ends the not-so-hot Enemies Among Us storyline. I liked this issue ok, but mainly because this really felt like it might be the one where they finally kiss. I mean...Superman taught Batman that the most powerful weapon against mind-controlling aliens is...love. Or, at least, trust. Anyway, it ends with this bit of fluffy goodness:

I am a sucker for Batman holding a cup of coffee.

And then we get a Bruce Wayne who is a changed man, Christmas Carol-style:

WHAT?! It better not! Oh Verheiden, go back to Smallville, where your sugar-coating cannot possibly make things sweeter. (I like Mark Verheiden. I'm just sayin'...)

And the last page? Well:

God that's romantic.

Do you know what would have been amazing? If Superman/Batman had, first of all, been called World's Finest, and had just been a series of one-shot stories, each time told by a different writer and artist pairing. A different set of storytellers for each issue, so everyone would have a chance to tell one story about the two biggest guns in the DC rack. Then the title would have referred to the characters and the authors/artists. Wouldn't that have been awesome?! Is it too late for that?

Supergirl #16

I said I'd read it, and I did. And...I liked it. It satisfied my nerdy love of Krypton-based stories, and it gave a really interesting and compelling backstory for Kara. It also showed us where she got her good looks, because her dad is a stone fox. See? I'm not totally against objectification.
The art is really nice, and that's refreshing. I mean, that costume is always going to suck, but the cartoon-style art makes her look a lot less gross. And the new studded belt is kinda fun and teenager-ish (it is new, isn't it?). I'll keep hoping for an issue where she matures a little and realizes that her costume is ridiculous and changes it.

The issue started with the line "You are a failure, Kara. An utter and complete failure." So right away I was enjoying myself. The book was delightfully self-aware. The theme of the whole issue was basically "Nobody likes you, let's figure out why and then do something about that." It had a great cliff-hanger ending that makes me want to read the next issue. So far so good. A definite improvement. And you know I really wanted to hate this, so this praise has weight to it.

Fallen $on: The Death of Captain America #1 featuring Wolverine

What a frigging cash-grab.

This actually featured everyone but Spider-Man, pretty much. It's written by Jeph Loeb, so it's full of totally natural dialogue like this:

Wolverine: That's how everybody and their grandmother remembers you. Bucky, Captain America's teenage sidekick back in World War Two. Kids all around the world dreamed of just meeting Cap -- and there you were in your dandy red-and-blues, fighting along-side the living legend. And we remember how you died.

Winter Soldier: I wasn't the only one people thought died that day. The world also lost Cap back then.

Wolverine: Exactly...And here you are. All alive and stuff. And after digging him out of a block of ice, Cap survived as well.

Clunk, clunk, clunk.

And Iron Man is still hanging out next to Steve Rogers' body. Boyfriend, much?

This was pretty lame. See the movies, kids! Buy the toys! I'm surprised Silver Surfer didn't glide on in for a page or two.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to bust this out again, but:

Avengers: The Initiative #1

This is me trying to care about Marvel, post-Civil War.

I actually enjoyed this comic. It was fun. Superhero bootcamp. It had some fun characters and nice art. I have nothing else really to say about it. I'll read the next issue, though.

Jonah Hex #18

Jonah has a bad day in this one. Makes some mistakes. He also kills a bear and says some really awesome things. There have been a lot of artists on this series with a lot of different styles, and they have all been excellent. This week it's provided by Val Semeiks, and he's of the school that likes to make Hex's face extra gross. I respect that.

This series is so good. It's the first thing I recommend to anyone who asks me what comics are good. You could pick up any random issue and completely enjoy it. Plus, he's such a perfect fictional character. And everyone likes cowboys.

Scalped #4

And we've come to the Indians half of this post's title.

This series is good. It's one of those comics where you kind of forget that you're reading a comic. It feels more like I'm watching a television show or a movie. Dash is just a really compelling character, and beneath all the violence and profanity and bleak imagery there is a dark, but touching, love story. It's a really well-constructed series, and I recommend checking it out while it's still young.