Review of the Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century, Part 5, By Johnathan

Today we're going to look at three more Legion rejects, rejects with one thing in common (other than being Legion rejects, of course). See if you can guess what!

First up is Radiation Roy, whose first big mistake was his choice of names. Radiation Boy, Radiation Lad, Radiation Rajah... all would have given him a bit more pull down at the ol' yellow spaceship than the unfortunate name + descriptor moniker.

In an effort to rely a bit less on pictures (not much less, but less) we'll skip straight to Roy's origin story:
Okay, not bad. The Super-Hero Legion Club is pretty cool. I can see where someone might spend an inheritance to hire some shmucks to blast them with radiation in order to get in. Note that Roy is wearing his costume before he has gotten his powers - this is actually pretty common in early Legion origins and is a symptom of either a) lazy artists (not bothering to think up civilian garb for the characters) or b) lazy super-heroes (not bothering to change before going out to fight space-crime). I favour b) - if Legion were around today they'd totally all be wearing hoodies and track pants.

So Roy's got his crappy name, his laundry-day clothes and his hand-picked power of being radioactive. He's a shoo-in, right?

Aw. I guess he shouldn't have spent all of his money to become radioactive.

...

Radioactive. Sheesh.

Radiation Roy, for your many, many bad decisions you are declared NOT APPROVED.
Coming up next is Ronn Kar, who can make himself flat.

Ronn doesn't get in of course, but you have to admire his optimism - this is kind of like a toy poodle applying for membership in the local wolf pack or the Boy Scouts of America declaring war on France. We don't get to see Ronn's origin (though I'm guessing that it has something to do with the fact that he grew up on a gas giant), but it seems to me like he might have made more of an effort than Roy in the costume department, since he's rockin' the 'underwear outside of the pants' look reserved for the super-heroic.

JOHN APPROVED

Following the dictates of the order known as 'alphabetical', the next reject is named Spider Girl.

Those of you guessing that the common thread is 'widow's peaks' are officially foiled.

Spider Girl also has no origin story, but at least she didn't show up wearing the Thirtieth Century equivalent of a sweatsuit. Her clothing is thematic (and ugly)!

She also has what must be the most stressful audition of all time, as the entire damn Legion appears to be looking on - they even shipped in Pete Ross and Jimmy Olsen, for heaven's sake.

Still, she looks pretty confident - maybe she can pull this off.

Aw. Negative points for choking Legionnaires. Even your hot pants can't save you now, Spider Girl. Still, I like that you didn't call yourself Hair Lass or Follicle Femme, so: JOHN APPROVED.

Ignore Double-Header. We'll speak of him (them?) another day.

"But wait!" you cry, "You still haven't told us what these pathetic souls have in common! Please elaborate!"

Well, I suppose, if you insist.

In Adventure Comics #373, Colossal Boy gets mixed up with the Legion of Super-Villains, so various Legionnaires infiltrate that organization to see what's going on/down. While getting the grand tour, they discover something shocking:

SpiderGirl and Radiation Roy! Not screwing up! Was the Legion wrong to reject them based purely on one bad tryout? What of the moral and ethical considerations? Were they predisposed toward crime all along or were the Legion's harsh standards and harsher rejection to blame? Were Legion tryouts a potential super-villain factory? Questions!

Oh, and Ronn Kar was there too - I bet he'd have been happy to know that they remembered him.

Eventually, a fight erupts (Note: fight scenes taken from Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes # 308, because that issue was more entertaining).

During the course of any fight involving Spider Girl and Radiation Roy it is made very clear:

Spider Girl and Radiation Roy's fighting skills may have improved, but only when they are fighting each other. Seriously, even if I were using panels from the right fight scene they'd still be getting their asses handed to them. Suddenly moral and ethical considerations don't seem so important - who loses out when you inspire only the most bumbling and ineffective to become super-villains? Not the Legion - for every screw-up they turn away they get another easy victory to impress the ladies (or gents) with.

Anyway:

Subsequent to the traditional 'piling of the super-villains' we have one of my favourite afterthought panels of all time:

The dramatic capture of Ronn Kar. So optimistic! "The Legion will totally believe that I'm cool enough to be painted on some random wall... I'm from Neptune!"

Keep on dreaming, Ronn!

JOHN APPROVED

Rating the Super Hunks #2: Booster Gold

Last week Hal Jordan rated a mighty 31/40 on the official and very scientific Hunk-o-Meter. This week's challenger...

Michael Carter, aka Booster Gold

Costume/Appearance: Booster's costume is sweet. The yellow and blue combo is reminiscent of a sports uniform, which reflects Booster's athletic past. The goggles would probably look weirder in real life than they do on the page, but I think he makes them work. The headpiece doesn't obstruct his boyish blond mop of hair, and it's nice that his hair colour matches the yellow in his uniform exactly. Honestly, blond is not usually my favourite flavour, but Booster rocks it. The tight costume looks best when without the cape, and fortunately the cape rarely gets worn. He's got an athlete's build despite the fact that he doesn't seem to do anything physical.

I like that so many elements of the uniform are unnecessary. They were all chosen for style. Booster knows what looks cool. Plus, a giant star in the middle of the chest is great. I'm pretty sure I designed a very similar uniform for myself when I was seven.
Unfortunately, points must be deducted because he sells ad space on his uniform.

7/10

Alter-ego: Michael Carter was a star football player in the 25th century. That's definitely sexy. Then he was disgraced when he was busted for betting on his own team. Not sexy. So he got a job as a night watchman at the Superhero Museum. Then he got the idea to steal a bunch of stuff from there so he could travel back to the 20th century and be a superhero using all the stolen gadgets. While there's nothing particularly sexy about that, it is kind of clever.

Carter is basically a down-on-his-luck jock who got in a little over his head. Despite that, he handles himself reasonably well and even got to be a member of the Justice League. And, yes, being a member of the JLA increases sex appeal.

Booster means well. His intentions were less-than-noble when he first came to our century, but he has had heroic moments since. He believed in Ted Kord when no one else did, and maybe if people had listened to Booster, Ted would still be alive. This, of course, does not excuse the fact that Booster is pretty dumb.
Booster is a businessman, and I respect that. Although I don't approve of him cluttering up his costume with ads, as a former ad sales rep I am impressed that he landed big sponsorship contracts like Ferris Air.
The name Michael Carter is alright. It's got the two-first-names thing going for it, but he sadly isn't even the hottest hero with Carter in his name.

5/10

Sexiness of powers: Booster has a pretty awesome armory of powers. Unfortunately, they are all stolen. Even if we overlook this, we still have to consider that all of his powers come from objects. He does, however, travel through time. Not technically a superpower, but definitely cool.
I think I can include Skeets in this section. Booster is followed around by a security robot named Skeets who traveled with him from the 25th century. Skeets would be annoying on a date. I'm not even talking about the new evil Skeets. To date Booster Gold means a relationship that's a little crowded. I mean, sure, we all wish our boyfriends had know-it-all, futuristic robots for friends, but in reality, it probably wouldn't be so cool.

5/10

Day Job: Booster Gold is a thief and a shill. Not really as good as being a test pilot, I'm afraid.

1/10
Cons: Booster Gold's hero name is so childish it's almost brilliant. Unfortunately, he only got the moniker when president Ronald Regan screwed up the name Michael had chosen for himself: Goldstar. Goldstar is a crappy name. Michael loses points for that. He's frequently hard up for money, and he doesn't have many friends these days. One is dead, the other is evil (and, as previously mentioned, a robot). I'll go a little easy on him because that whole Supernova stunt was pretty neat.

- 3 points
Final Score:

15/40

Ouch. Sorry Booster. I actually expected you to score higher. I've got a soft spot for you. Too bad.

My Favourite Archie Comic

Gather round, everyone. It's story time.

I want to share my very favourite Archie comic. It has so many elements I like: Ethel getting a date, Ethel showing up all those stupid jerks and bitches in Riverdale, a dreamy merman with super strength, and a bittersweet ending.

I love Ethel. The rest of Riverdale can burn. It's a town of ghouls. The amount of physical harm those kids do to each other terrifies me. Spawn of Satan, every last one of them. Except Dilton. That guy kinda rules. I don't know why the ladies fight over Archie and Reggie. Dilton is clearly the prize.

Anyway, I'm already off track. Here's the story:

Oh Veronica. You are so awful. When will Ethel finally kick your ass?

Ok, here's where things get awesome:

"I'm real! Here! Touch me!" Damn, I love me a smooth-talking merman. Even with Garfunkel hair.

Poor Ethel. Her esteem is so shot she assumes that merman is making fun of her. I like that she looks like she's thinking about punching him for it (She can't help the violent tendencies. It's the Riverdale upbringing).

Damn, this is mildly sexy, for an Archie comic. Dude gets Ethel to close her eyes while he gets naked and makes a little seaweed skirt for himself. I mean, that thing can't hide much.

I know that Betty is being nice, but she sounds really condescending. Man, don't comic writers realize how damaging it is to have one non-perfect looking female in a comic and then have her be the butt of every joke? It really makes a young female reader believe that she will never get a date because she is awkward-looking. Don't listen to them, Ethel! They are stupid bitches!

Onward!

Mermen are invincible. Neat.

Veronica, you suck. What if Ethel did hire him from an escort service? It would be better than your stupid date (who, from the looks of things, is Betty).

Here's where Bobby totally serves Veronica:

Awww. What a sad ending. I am really charmed by her having to return his tux for him, for some reason. It's just cute. And that he gets naked again in front of her. Racy!

So there you go. That's pretty much Archie comic perfection right there.

Remember in that Return to Riverdale TV movie when Ethel turned out to be a supermodel? That was nice. She should date Dilton.

Ditko vs Gobots

If I ever meet Steve Ditko (unlikely), these are what I am asking him to sign:

Oh, don't let the halfway decent cover art fool you. The art in these books is completely phoned in.

Look at them! They look like I drew them! When I was six! With my feet!

This is my favourite panel. This is how our three heroes meet Leader-1 for the first time:

He punches the little girl in the face through a window. I'm not sure if the kids are yelling "Help! Aliens!" or if that's what Leader-1 is saying. With his fist.

And here's the very next panel:

Those are some awkward proportions. The basic laws of physics would not allow that to happen. That kid in the orange jacket would basically have to be growing out of the mustache man's back. And the girl would have to have no legs.

Two panels later, the remarkably calm humans get a proper introduction:

"Yes, and I also have a few more questions for you to field: What the hell just happened? Am I high? and also, Could you please not punch us in the face again?"

God dammit! I expect quality in my Gobots super adventure books! I mean, by looking at this shoddy art one would get the impression that Ditko didn't care about this project. Almost as if he were only doing it for the money!

The joke's on you, Ditko collectors! You can't truly say your collection is complete until you own these fabulous volumes.

This Week's Haul: "Every Super-Villain For Themselves!"

Tremble in terror, comics that aren't All-Star Superman! You have chosen a bad week to come out! Line up and let yourself be compared to the undisputed masterpiece of Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely! Good luck!

All-Star Superman #7

There's a certain buzz in the comic shop when a new issue of All-Star Superman comes out. Even more so when the hardcover of the first six issues also happens to come out on the same day. This comic is the great uniter. Everyone loves it. I can barely process how awesome it is.

Let's all just take a minute to stare at these two pages, wherein Superman is setting his pet sun-eater free into space because it has grown too large for his zoo:

These are so beautiful and adorable, they melted me into a puddle of goo on my couch. No text at all, but you can see Superman doing the whole "It's ok, buddy, you're free now." And the sun-eater is grabbing him because he doesn't want him to leave! And, ohmygod, is it waving to him in the top panel on the second page?! Quitely! You're killing me!

From that page on it's non-stop Bizarro awesomeness. I love how Bizarro looks, and I love his homemade S-symbol. I love Superman jotting down the formula for an experimental Bizarro formula while listening to Jimmy's plan. I love Superman using his new powers. I love the Zibarro cliff-hanger. I love the cover for the next issue. I love this book.

Well, now that the bar has been set impossibly high, let's check out another comic.

Green Arrow #73

Connor's back! This series just got a whole lot sexier!

Awwwww.

This is the first issue in what I understand will be the final story arc of the series. Too bad. I really do love this book. I enjoy watching Ollie struggle to be a superhero now that he's got himself tangled up in all the strings that are attached to him. He's got Connor, Mia, Roy, Dinah AND he's the damn mayor of Star City. It makes it hard to also be a vigilante, and he's had to make a lot of sacrifices to protect his loved ones and his city. I am guessing that this story is going to have Ollie listen to the wisdom of his (attractive) son and just do what he's best at, consequences be damned, to save his city from crime lords.

I like Brick as a villain. Winnick writes a good laid-back, dead-pan bad guy who will snap with little notice and kill your ass. Now we have Merlyn on deck for the next issue, which is always fun, and Black Canary. Good times!

But it's no All-Star Superman.

Grifter/Midnighter #2

Is, um, anyone else reading this? Anyone?

It looks really nice. The art, by Ryan Benjamin, is really pretty. And the colouring, by Joel Benjamin, is fantastic.

I still really don't know anything about Grifter, except that he carries two guns, does some fancy shooting, and is reasonably hot. He also likes to take cheap shots at Midnighter's sexuality. The gist of the story is that Grifter was sent to kill a member of the Saudi royal family in Paris, and Midnighter was sent to protect the very same guy from Grifter. Then they are forced to put aside some of their differences because they have bigger problems: an alien attack.

There has been a disappointing lack of heads getting kicked off, but it's an alright series so far. Aliens. Guns. Hotties. Meh. It's better than Superman/Batman.

Definitely not All-Star Superman.

Wonder Woman #7

I liked this issue, but the art was back to being cheesecakey. Other than that, the art was pretty nice.

I like how tall Wonder Woman is in this issue. Much improved from last week.

There was a lot of fun stuff in here. I really liked the super-villain bar for people who dress up like super-villains. I really liked Nemesis making a snarky comment that its patrons are really into Ashlee and Jessica Simpson, and then we get this panel a couple of pages later:

I can't remember the last time a Wonder Woman comic made me laugh out loud.

I liked the fake Catwoman busting into the bathroom. I liked that Sarge Steel bothered to shoot a net over Wonder Woman when he arrested her. And what's not to like about this panel?:

But it ain't All-Star Superman.

52 Week 49

And the only book that came close to touching Grant Morrison this week is...also by Grant Morrison.

Holy God, this was awesome. Every damn page - awesome. Will Magnus strikes back as he reveals that he's been secretly building little tiny Metal Men while the other scientists have been trying to destroy the world. Mercury is babbling about how he's actually not the only metal that's liquid at room temperature, which is great. Then he gets shot by Morrow, which is unexpected and hilarious. Magnus lets Morrow escape before the JSA bust in and arrest them all. Meanwhile, Sivana is cutting his losses and getting the hell out of dodge, leaving a very angry Black Adam trapped on the very scary operating table:

We can only imagine what Adam has been through these past few days (Thunder pliers!! HA!).

And EVERYTHING on this page is awesome:

This was so great. And the cover is amazing. One of the best. Pats on the back for everyone!

Not All-Star Superman, but surprisingly close.

Spider-Man Loves Mary-Jane #17

Y'know, this book could change its title to Spider-Man Loves Firestar and I would be ok with that. Firestar is supercool and Spider-Man is all adorable with her.

I like the addition of Felicia Hardy, all bitchy and tough. And looking a lot more PG than usual. I don't know much about Black Cat, but I do know she has a tendency to walk around un-zipped.

I really like the fashions in this book. The kids are all so well-dressed all the time. It's better than Archie comics. And I really like this guy in the trench coat:

What do you think is going on with that guy? Baffled by the coffee shop menu? Forgot his wallet? Scared of all those punk teenagers?

How long is this series going to last? Forever? Please say forever.

Spider-Man and The Fantastic Four #1

A double-shot of fun Marvel comics! And, man, I needed this. Marvel has been very busy lately pumping out the various one-shots, and mini-series, and tie-ins, and new series, and front lines, and casualties, and war journals, and fallen sons, and whatever the hell else. None of it is fun. I needed some laid-back, Ben-pranking-Johnny, Spider-Man being nerdy, non-continuity Marvel silliness. And Marvel has delivered. Check it out:

Fun! And what do you think Ben has done to the pancakes? Definitely something...

I love the contrast in the crowd reactions to Spider-Man and Impossible Man showing up, and later when the Fantastic Four show up:

I'm looking forward to more of this!

Madman #1

I live in one of those loser parts of the continent where Madman didn't ship until this week.

This basically serves as a madcap summary of all previous Madman comics, which I have taken some time in the past week to re-read in preparation. Well, it turns out none of them are important because this issue tells us that none of it actually happened.
It's great to have some new Madman stuff. I look forward to the next issue when the content is truly brand new. I love Madman. He's got such a great attitude!

Rating the Super Hunks #1: Hal Jordan

A new weekly feature! How exciting! In the grand tradition of sexual exploitation in comic books, I'm going to devote a little time each week to selecting one superhero and measure how he stacks up in the sexy department. Actually, to be honest, I am not trying to make a statement at all here. I just want to talk about hotties.

I'm going to start with an easy one (Pun intended! Zing! Get it? Cause Hal's a slut!).

Hal Jordan, aka Green Lantern

Costume:

Hal's skin-tight, capeless one-piece has long been the gold standard in attractive costuming. Hal may not have chosen his costume, but he can't mind how great his butt looks in it. Green, black and white is an undeniably fantastic colour combination. Topped off with a simple green eye-mask that doesn't mess his hair, Hal's costume may hide his identity, but it doesn't hide how damn fine he is.

10/10

Alter-Ego:

Hal doesn't need to wear spandex to look good. Always well-dressed in simple, masculine basics like white shirts, khakis, and bomber jackets, he's got style that doesn't try too hard. Hal Jordan is cocky, playful and 100% all-man. And Hal Jordan is a great name, in the tradition of super heroes having two first names. Plus, he's the alleged bravest man on Earth. If only he could keep that ego in check.

8/10

Sexiness of Powers:

Hal is useless without his ring, and even with it he's no good against anything yellow (usually). These weaknesses aside, Hal's power is only limited by his own imagination. If you don't think that's sexy, I can't help you.

8/10

Day Job:

When he's not Green Lantern, Hal Jordan is a test pilot. And that's awesome.

10/10

Cons:

Despite his appearance of being head-strong and free-willed, Hal is essentially the Guardians' bitch. As a result, he's a very busy guy, always darting about the galaxy with little time for dinner dates. We can also assume that he's tapped a considerable amount of interplanetary ass, Shatner-style, so the possibility of alien STDs is a real concern.

More than a little conceited and, well, dumb, Hal might be a tiresome long-term companion, but he'd make a great one-night stand. With proper protection. There was also that unfortunate psychotic and homicidal episode a few years back, but if the JLA can forgive him, who am I to judge?

- 5

Final Score: 31 points out of 40

Not bad, Hal!

We'll have to wait and see how next week's Super Hunk measures up!