Rating the Super Hunks #4: Captain America

2016 EDITOR'S NOTE: I am very disappointed in myself over how lazy this post was. I basically only used images from the Brubaker/Epting run of Captain America. Lame, Rachelle. But I think I rated him fairly, even though I am crazy in love with Steve now.

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A very special memorial edition of Rating The Super Hunks.

Captain America, aka Steve Rogers

Dude driving behind him is snapping so many pics.

Costume/Appearance:

I'm not saying that Cap's costume isn't great, I'm just saying it isn't sexy. At all. I mean, seriously.

this is pretty impressive.

It looks like he's about to get shot out of a cannon.

he does work it, though. i mean, as best anyone can.

From the swashbuckling bright red boots to the little wings coming out of his head, this suit is a total nightmare in terms of hotness. He really does look ridiculous. My favourite thing about it is the way he wears his giant heavy shield on his back. That's very manly.

Four guys at a time!

He's got a great body, no question, but this is just not the way to decorate it. Superman looks at this suit and says "Wow. That's a tacky costume. You've gotta tone that shit down."

He makes that sound a lot when bucky is pummeling him.

That said, I love how seeing the suit always makes Americans in the comics swell with pride to the point that it brings tears to their eyes. And, honestly, I sort of feel it too. And I'm Canadian.

"let's rub our pouches together."

But it's still not sexy.

3/10

Alter-Ego:

Steve Rogers is not a lot of fun.

This man should not be the leader of anything.

He's a military man, through and through, and he doesn't crack a lot of jokes. He does have a blind, naive patriotism that is very charming, though. He also has an adorable fish-out-of-water thing going for him, in that he lived most of his life in the 1930s, and still clings a little to those days.

"not even war bonds can cheer me up today."

He's got a sweet, government-supplied apartment. And a big record collection. He likes big band swing music (again, adorable). His clothing is simple, and he's often sporting a tight, white t-shirt. Always a good choice.

"work on the heavy bag" is a good EUPHEMISM.

He's a square-jawed, blue-eyed rugged all-American with a no-nonsense haircut. I'm sure some people are into that, but it doesn't really do it for me. He's reasonably dreamy, but not Bruce Wayne dreamy. Or even Ted Kord dreamy. He does have excellent taste in women though. And he's a fearless, noble hero who selflessly defends the lives of others. I guess that's pretty sexy.

"Just,,,trying to psyche myself up here. ok...um, could you just put this domino mask on..."

6/10

Day Job:

Captain America's day job is...being Captain America. At least nowadays. I liked it in the late 70s/early 80s when he was a graphic designer. It's just so amusing that Captain frigging America would have to find time to finish ad proofs. I also just liked that he happened to be a good drawer. It had nothing to do with his powers. Like, Clark Kent is a reporter because it suits his Superman lifestyle. Ditto with Peter Parker. But Captain America as a designer? That job would just be a pain in the ass.

But he's not a graphic designer anymore, unfortunately. He's a full-time hero.

"listen, buster! i was considering going to first base with this dame!"

i've been staring at this image for a long time trying to come up with a caption and...my god.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I'm going to give him a 5 out of 10 on this one because I can't decide if not having a day job is good or bad.

5/10

Sexiness of Powers:

Captain America was chemically altered during WWII to be the "perfect man" (crazy scientist guy's words, not mine). He's strong, fast, smart, tough, and agile. These are all good things. He also can throw a giant heavy shield like a boomerang, ride a motorcycle like nobody's business, and surf on a fighter jet.

the inside of an airplane is for pussies.

Really, you can't argue that Cap's powers aren't sexy. He's pretty much fully loaded with perfect traits and abilities.

A little something for the captain america foot fetishists out there.

Yup. That's gonna earn him a solid ten.

10/10

Cons:

Well...he's dead. That's a definite minus. Actually, I'm going to overlook that little detail. Particularly because his last words were so dreamy:

nice going, sharon.

And female comic readers the world over swooned and fainted.

I don't think Cap's going to lose too many points here. I mean, sure, he's no fun at all, and he did kind of bitch out at the end of Civil War, but he really doesn't have many glaring flaws. Other than being dead and all. Sometimes he even loosens up a little:

"Bucky's alive, sharon! he's alive! i was completely 100% thinking about you when i kissed you! let's have sex in the dark!"

With sexy results!

I'll take off one point for being boring.

- 1

Final Score: 23/40

Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, even in a super-sexy picture like this, he still looks pretty silly:

Makes more sense if you pretend this is bucky cap.

Free Comic Book Day Previews #1

This is sort of embarrassing to admit, but I had a really hard time following the Free Comic Book Day Little Archie comic.
It's like, the Little Archie gang (plus some kid named Billy Wong who I've never heard of) are at camp and Mr Weatherbee is the camp director. Fine. I'm with you so far. And they do some boating and then there is a golden owl, and some magic elves, and a tunnel of love, and seriously I have no idea. All the while the male counselor (Betty's older brother(?!) whose name is, wait for it...Chic) and the female counselor do some inappropriate flirting in front of the children. And there's a weird map.

See if you can make heads or tails of this page:

No? Me neither. And, no, reading the rest of the story does not help.

And what the hell does this mean?!

Inappropriate.

The most bizarre thing about this comic is actually on the Fan Art page at the end. Look at this:

In particular, look at the artists' names.

Weirded out.

Not a very good comic. Plus, it's full of lies like this one:

No, Reggie. They don't.

Moving on, let's check out another supposed all-ages comic.

This reprints two Floyd Gottfredson Mickey Mouse stories from 1936. From these stories I learned that Mickey Mouse is kind of awesome.

He's totally badass:

Oh can he ever! Check it out!!

Yeah! Now watch him go Midnighter on the guy:

"Ya like that, Big Boy?! Huh, bitch? I can't hear you over the sound of your skull cracking! What's that? You're going to be sick? Not on my shoes, bitch."

Mickey can't be tied down like that, dawg.

He's kind of a dick:

He's post-modern:

And has a great, dry wit:

Ha! Go to Hell, Goofy!

And, also, there's this panel:

Thumbs up to the Mickey Mouse comic. Thumbs down to Little Archie. I'm just trying to make it a little easier for you guys on Saturday when you're elbowing kids in the face for your free comics. Expect Free Comic previews all week.

Dudes, Seriously

I have decided to extend the contest I am currently running for another week. I thank everyone who has sent in submissions so far, but I really can't believe that so few of you comic-loving types have nerdy objects in your homes. It can be ANY nerdy fan object. Anything that proudly says I Love This Character/Comic/Show/Celebrity/Movie and If You Don't Like It You Can Get the Hell Out of My House.

So please, if everyone emails me a photo of their favourite nerdy fan object then I will be able to make an awesome post that will serve as a glowing tribute to rabid fandom.

We don't even need to think of it as a contest (although there is still a fabulous prize: one autographed copy of the new Oni Press book Shenanigans). Just think of it as something awesome you should do. I refuse to believe that anyone who reads a comics blog wouldn't have at least one beloved fannish object. Even if you have, like, a single action figure...where do you display it? How is it posed? This stuff is FASCINATING!

Alright. Start snapping those photos and hopefully by next Monday I'll have enough to make a little museum of awesomeness. Send them to rachellegoguen at gmail dot com.

Don't make me sic my Dr. Doom curly straw on you.

Batman Shopping!

My pal Mike Drake has a pal named Mairin Prentiss and she took these pictures in NYC:

So awesome.

I've never been to New York, but I have to say that a city where a man can dress in a full Batman suit and go shopping without turning a single head...well, it's clearly the greatest place on Earth.

So, what do you think Batman was shopping for? A present for Superman, maybe?

Random Bits of Awesomeness

Guess what I ate today?

Cookies baked by Steve Rude!

And yes, it was as awesome as it sounds.

Now for something important: I don't know what we, as a fandom, need to do to get DC to make this happen, but this comic, pitched by J. Bone, needs to happen. The name? DCU, as in DC University. You have to check it out at his blog. It would seriously be the greatest thing ever. I mean, look at this:

And now go look at his blog:

DCU!

Alright. You guys check that out. I'm going to go back to reading a big pile of Jim Starlin Batman comics. Because nobody rocks a Friday night like me. I might turn it into a private drinking game. Every time Batman does anything AWESOME, drink! Man, I would be so drunk so fast. I mean...look at this:

Batman totally stuffed that guy into a wall...backwards! Look at him! And then Batman's all "So, anyway..."

God damn, I love Batman.

Review of an Old Saying, By Johnathan

The saying in question is "Adding insult to injury", which actually is almost always used as part of a larger statement, so maybe this should be entitled 'Review of an Old Sentence Fragment'. Nah, it just doesn't have the same zazz that way.

In any case:

So I know that I've touched on the subject of Saturn Girl's horrible/ridiculous costume change, right? Quick recap - she went from this:

Which is if nothing else a respectable costume that certainly doesn't look at all skanky, to this:

Which is, uh... terribly terrible and oh-so-very Designed By A Dude. But fine, okay, I can deal. I can conjure up the suspension of disbelief necessary to reimagine a highly-trained telepathic futurewoman as the sort of person who would willingly wear a bating suit while fighting sentient planetoids and guys with robotic fish-men and goo-based space tyrants. Heck, every once in a while someone will do an okay job of drawing it -

- and I'll almost think that it looks good (Note however that whoever drew this - James Sherman and Jack Abel - managed to make even Cosmic Boy's horrid costume look good).
Sadly, this doesn't happen all that often. Usually her costume just makes me sad. Sometimes it makes me so sad that I have to write about it on the internet. This is one of those times.

Specifically, I'm sad about two trends that I've noticed regarding Saturn Girl's Atrocious Pink Costume. See if you can spot the first one in this picture:

If you guessed "Is it that Saturn Girl has no neck, you giant nerd?" you were correct! Hurtful, but correct. Yes, it seems that this costume brings out a profound neck-hatred in artists, causing them to portray her as having a head that is mounted directly on her shoulders. It's really creepy and definitely ruins the 'really really sexy' look that they were going for. (Note that Lightning Lad doesn't have one either but that he's obscenely musclebound in this issue so it doesn't look as bad). Honestly, I can't look at this picture for very long without getting uneasy and yet I keep looking at it. I fear the power that it holds over me.

The second trend isn't as eerie but it's there nonetheless. No guessing this time: it's a tendency to render her as if she were an R. Crumb character:

Seriously now. I can almost force myself to believe that she'd wear hot pants, but I know that she'd have gotten the right size hot pants.

The costume (again), the no-neck and the short-shorts are all:

NOT APPROVED.

This is totally the third post about this costume, isn't it? I promise not to do this any more. Really.