Contest Reminder and Fun With Iron Man

Just a quick reminder that there are only two days left to email me some photos of your favourite comic book shop. All contributors will be entered to win a copy of the fabulous first issue of The Spirit, signed by Darwyn Cooke.

I just watched Fantastic Four again, so I'm all set for Rise of the Silver Surfer this Friday. It will be great.

I was thinking about the upcoming Iron Man movie today, and you know what's going to be really great about it?

The Milk ads.

Review of Some Robots, Part 1, By Johnathan

Ah, the Metal Men. They, in all of their vaguely-educational glory, are my latest semi-obsession.

Assuming that someone who's not a comic book nerd is reading this, a quick description of the Metal Men and what they stood for:

The Metal Men were a group of robots created by Dr. Will Magnus. Thanks to a bit of technology called a "responsometer" they were astonishingly human-like, with genuine personalities and everything. As the name suggests, they're all made out of a different metal, and they're obsessed with that metal. Seriously, check it out:

That's their first appearance but really, they talk like that all the time. Every second sentence is about melting points or ductility or something like that. Luckily they're entertaining as hell, so it doesn't get old. Metal Men fans note: the third sentence out of Mercury's mouth is the "liquid at room temperature" bit.

The Metal Men are cool on a lot of levels: first, they've got real personalities - they're not just a bunch of clones of every other super-team of the 1960s. Tin's inferiority complex and Mercury's arrogance were especially unusual for heroes of the time. Plus, Tina the Platinum robot was in love with Doc Magnus, which led to sufficient dramatic tension to fuel a battleship.

But enough about the Metal Men! Entertaining as they are, they're not the focus of this series of reviews. Rather, I'm going to write about the other elemental robots who appear in the series, because there are a lot of them. They creep in around the edges, whether as antagonists or as bit characters in the little "Metal Facts" sections that appeared in every issue.

The very first of these characters came as a pair:

Aw, look at them. So generic. Not only did Copper and Silver have some lousy character design problems, they evidently had the wrong names - I'm pretty sure that that's what the Romans are so surprised about. Still, there's one thing that this panel did well: set precedent. It said "why show the kids boring lumps of metal when you can anthropomophise? And robotiform?"

For that reason, Copper and Sillver are JOHN APPROVED.

This one's interesting. It's from a page about gold and features three Metal Men-as-knights in the centre, flanked by a couple of Generic Metal Dudes (GMDs). I gotta say, when I started writing this review I thought it'd be easy to figure out who these guys were supposed to be, but after ransacking half of the Alchemy sites on the internet I don't have much. GMD on the left might be Antimony and GMD on the right might be Arsenic, but probably not. Darned artists forty years ago... didn't they realize that someone would obsess about that sort of thing someday? Plus, Gold is looking kind of fat.

NOT APPROVED

And Now The Moondancers!

I've been known to complain about the current Superman/Batman series, because it is so crappy. But sometimes you just gotta pull out an old issue of World's Finest to remind yourself that it wasn't all solid gold either.

This issue is many things, but mainly:

a) Melodramatic
b) Ridiculous
c) Romantic

It takes place during that angst-ridden time when Batman and Superman broke up and Batman formed the Outsiders with his new loser friends ("I don't need you, Superman! I've got...Geo-Force! And Halo!").

Alright, so in fair Cape Canaveral, where we lay we scene, our star-crossed lovers are sad:

Superman is thinking that, though he isn't too fond of Batman of late, he doesn't really want him to die. It's really beautiful:

And why is Batman dying? Cause of these bitches:

Who wants to be the Moondancers for Halloween with me?! I call Harvest Moon! (And, for the record, the lone black Moondancer is called 'New Moon,' but her powers are ice-based because she represents the dark side of the moon. For real).

These ladies spray Batman with some weird moon virus.

And help they (Nasa scientists/the army) get, in the form of Batman's ex-best friend, Superman. Awk-ward.

But Superman sees Batman's lifeless body and rises above their petty differences with this bit of angst-ridden soul-searching:
God, I could look at that panel of them having coffee together all day.

Anyway, in the few hours or so that Batman is sick, Gotham City goes to hell. Even more so.

Wow. That...that's a real mess you got there, Gotham. This is what Bruce Wayne would see if he ever did the It's A Wonderful Life thing with his guardian angel.

So, as you can imagine, Commissioner Gordon is also missing Batman, and hoping for his speedy recovery. It's touching:

This is why Gotham is a hopeless mess. It's police officers get distracted by shooting stars. "And look down there, Commissioner! A tank is busting through a bank wall and over some police cruisers!"

Meanwhile, Superman is flying around space looking for a cure for Batman's alien virus. He finds one in a comet somehow. It's not important. He rushes back to Earth with it, and then whips together this little contraption:

What does it do? I don't know. But get ready for a fantastic panel of Superman watching...and waiting!

"Come on...come on! Go, respiration, go!"

Guess what? It works. And it makes for an uncomfortable, and adorable, reunion:

Superman flies off to do stuff so Batman can sleep. But he leaves him unattended, and guess who strolls in:

You suck, Superman.

Superman's living it up in Gotham, putting the fear of God back into the hearts of criminals. One thing he does is disconnect the fuse of a bomb some crooks are using to blow up a bank vault. It's awesome:

And then he chills with Gordon for a second, who still doesn't seem to be doing much about the whole explosion of crime that is tearing his city apart:

I think he may just have said to hell with it and hit the bottle. "Thanks, shooting star! I'll keep the faith!"

Alright, so Superman decides to maybe check in on his sick pal, who happens to have been knocked unconscious by the Moondancers.

"We've got to find them, and fast! But first I have to go back and get my gloves!"

As it turns out, the Moondancers are anti-nuclear activists who feel that their means justifies their end. But who really cares? Let's watch Superman and Batman kick their asses:

Er, well. Just Batman, then.

That's about all you need to see of that story. Except maybe these panels of Batman climbing and straddling a giant phallus:

EPILOGUE:

The Moondancers made a final appearance in Grant Morrison's Animal Man #25 in that comic book limbo place for forgotten characters:

Good riddance.

This Week's Haul: Batman's Magical Mystery

Sorry this week's is a little late. I had a lot of stuff to read. I don't have time to review everything, so I'll just say that Jonah Hex, Scalped, and The Initiative were all really good. I haven't gotten to the Simpsons Summer Shindig yet.

Spider-Man Loves Mary-Jane #19

Everything is always a little bit better whenever a new issue of Spider-Man Loves Mary-Jane comes out.

Look at how cute!!!:

Ok, so in this issue it becomes clear that Flash has some personal problems because he's tired all the time. Harry continues to be a pretty big jerk. And MJ helps both Flash and Spider-Man, because she is awesome.

But what I love is that she does it on her own time. This scene, where she politely declines Spider-Man's request for her to listen to his problems, is fantastic:

Yeah! When Spider-Man says 'jump,' MJ says 'maybe later.' I love it!

Eventually they do meet to talk about Spidey's girl troubles. He's conflicted because Firestar wants them to reveal their identities to each other. It's a thinly-veiled euphemism for 'going all the way.'

The tension is killing me!!!

Detective Comics #833

Well this was exciting! Lots of fun with a twist ending that I won't give away. I really haven't liked Kramer's art on this entire run, but I thought this issue looked really good.

I like stories that pair up Batman and Zatanna because magic makes him so uncomfortable. I thought the back story about them as kids was cute.

Lately their relationship has been made more interesting after the whole mind-wiping incident in Identity Crisis. I am hoping that after this two-part story the bad blood between them will be resolved.
The All-New Atom #12

I laughed out loud so many times while reading this. Starting with the first page:

Gail Simone rules. I love Ryan Choi so much. I love the quotes that pop up throughout every issue (including one by Brian Posehn in this one!). I love everything that Ryan says and everything he thinks.

I love the supporting characters, especially the floating head that is now his roommate.

People that aren't reading this are missing out. It is hilarious.

Nightwing #133

Beautiful cover by Ryan Sook.

Inside we had a whole lot of Dick being dumb. Y'know, everyone gives Hal a hard time for being kinda stupid and always thinking with his crotch, but I would argue that Nightwing is worse.

In this issue he meets up with an old flame, and pretty much loses his mind. I mean, seriously. We get pages and pages of this thought process:

I want to remind you that this is abridged. There were seriously pages of this, ending with this one:
"I like pie."

Dick, you're an idiot. This weakness for females is a serious handicap. I can't even imagine. Like, I like cheeseburgers, but I'm not all Don't eat it. It will crush you, just like before. Smells so good. Meat. Meat and cheese. It smells like meat and cheese. Don't eat it.

Pull yourself together, Dick.

Midnighter #8

Awwwwwwwwwwww!!!

This issue starts with Midnighter being his usual badass self, killing a dude in a horrible, horrible way. Which leads to this very funny panel:

Hawksmoor decides that Midnighter needs to work on his human relation skills. He wants Midinghter to try helping an ordinary citizen with an ordinary problem.

Hee!!!

He does find her cat, after what turns out to be a fairly Midnighter-ish adventure involving a mad scientist who is turning housepets into bionic super-pets. We get this adorable scene at the end:
This very fun issue was written by Christos Gage, and the artwork, by John Paul Leon, was really nice. I like the Midnighter comics because the character is almost a blank slate. Creators can kind of go crazy coming up with things for him to do.

Justice League Unlimited #34

Do you know what I like about the JLU comics? This:

Blue Beetle! Hanging with Booster! All the characters are here in soothing, uncomplicated forms.
I always check out the JLU comic every month, and some are more interesting than others. This was a good one. It involved Superman confronting Zod in the Phantom Zone. And it ended with this, which you won't find at the end of any other comic:

They made a banner!!!

Man, that gang is so cute.

Countdown Week 47

Sean McKeever steps up to the plate this time, and I thought the results were far better than any previous issue of Countdown. I haven't been hating the series as much as a lot of people, but I am aware that it's a bit of a letdown after 52.

There were some really interesting and fun moments in this issue, like the business with Black Adam giving Mary his powers:

Huh.

And I LOVED the conversation between Pied Piper and The Trickster.

I find these two so charming. That's just some well-written dialogue. I'm excited that McKeever has joined team DC.

Supergirl #18

??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea what's going on here, but I know I don't like it.

Gross!

Well, at least I agreed with one thing:

Birds of Prey #107

Alright. Let's see what it's like when women fight each other and it doesn't suck.

Awesome!

Things actually ended pretty nicely for most of the Birds of Prey/Secret Six battles. Huntress and Catman went back to flirting:

Barda and Knockout called a truce and shook hands as a display of mutual respect:

Ice was back to normal, all sweet and nice and alive:

And Deadshot is still awesome:

Superman #663

This issue was clearly supposed to have come out before last week's Countdown, and before Lightray's death. They cover it up with one of those little "This story occurs prior to Countdown #48" boxes. But let's not quibble over scheduling problems. Let's instead focus on how awesome it is watching Superman use his teeth to rope up a bunch of meddling kids with heavy cable:

I don't know if I've ever seen Superman carry anything in his mouth before. Huh. Neat.

In this issue Superman is still troubled by the prophecy handed to him by Arion: that the presence of himself and other aliens was going to lead to the ultimate destruction of the human race. While he broods over this, a bunch of pesky kids from New Genesis are creating chaos all over Metropolis. It's kinda funny.

Lightray tells Superman to take the night off, promising that he'll make sure the kids clean up their mess. Supes reluctantly agrees and takes Lois to Maine, which is pretty awesome. Unfortunately, he can't stop thinking about that damn prophecy, and about how Arion has told him that he has to stop being Superman.

Man, how late do the antique shops stay open in Maine?

So that was Lois' opinion. Supes also gets one from an oddly-dressed Lana:

I was into that. The other options for a man with Superman's powers, if he has to quit the hero game.

I was also into how beautiful Pacheco's art is:

Pretty...

Pretty...

Review of the Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century, Part 9, By Johnathan

That's Alaktor, and that's his Marvel Belt, failing dismally. Alaktor later claimed to be a super-villain who was just using the Legion tryouts as a means to sneak into the Legion clubhouse and steal a time machine, but I think that that's just an excuse. He was totally just covering for his embarrassment over the tryouts - there's no way that he meant to press the button that made his belt go 'ROAR.' Dude screwed up and then improvised some evil to cover for it.
Sure, Alaktor. Sure. Master of worlds. Admit it - that camera was there for one reason: to take cheesecake pictures of the Legion ladies.

As evidence of Alaktor's inherent lameness I offer a quick rundown of his 'evil' plot:

He planned grab three of the most evil characters in history (Hitler, Nero, Dillinger) and transplant their minds into the most powerful of the Legionnaires. I have three problems with this plan:

1) Choice of allies. Hitler, Nero and Dillinger? Jeez, guy. These are the best you could come up with? Hitler, sure. He was straight-up evil, but really, did you expect him to be a staunch and loyal ally? Same goes for Nero - most of his evil consisted of doing horrible things to those closest to him. I can think of about a dozen Roman emperors who'd've been a better subject for cramming into Mon-el's brain, evil assistant-wise. Dillinger? Sure he robbed a lot of places and shot a lot of people, and sure he was reputed to be fantastically well-endowed (not inherently evil but I'm sure it could be turned to evil ends) but definitely not in the top three evil people of all time. Basically any other three people would have been better allies than these guys, who horribly betrayed him in about three seconds flat:

Dude, you totally should have known this would happen.

2) If you're putting someone's brain into Superboy... why not your own? Seriously, why do Hitler favours? Just take over the Kryptonian and leg it. You're set!

3) Dude, you have a machine that can switch peoples' minds. I'm pretty sure that that's worth something. There's really no need to give Nero superpowers. Just open an amusement park or a novelty bordello or sell it to an unscrupulous billionaire who wants to live forever - you'll be astonishingly rich! You'll be able to afford pants!

So saddened by Hitler's betrayal. So, so pathetic. Alaktor, you and your Marvel Belt are

NOT APPROVED.

Rating the Super Hunks #9: Animal Man

As I said yesterday, this week's super-hunk is the lovable

Buddy Baker, aka Animal Man

Soon to be appearing in the insanely-titled Countdown to Adventure series.

Costume/Appearance: Orange is a tough colour to pull off. Teaming it with royal blue is daring. Adding triangular goggles sounds like it would definitely be going too far. But somehow Animal Man makes all of this work. I think it's the black (blue?) jacket. It breaks up all the orange and makes the whole thing look tougher.

The dark gloves are also a nice touch.

It's a very tight costume, and the lack of shorts makes it rather revealing. Buddy said that he decided to add the jacket because he was embarrassed wearing such a tight costume, but he really covered up the wrong half.

Or, the right half.

We know that I always approve of a costume that doesn't cover a hero's hair. I'm glad Buddy went that route, utilizing the Booster Gold-style headpiece that protects his ears from windburn while flying, but still allows his golden locks to toss playfully in the breeze.

Sans costume, Buddy is a nice-looking guy with blonde floppy hair and blue eyes. Unfortunately, he's been the victim of some pretty bad art. Plus his glory years were the unattractive late 80s/early 90s. But if you ignore all this, he's a looker.

8/10

Personality: The thing about Buddy is that he's not the most awesome hero, or the coolest guy, but he's a nice guy without being a giant wiener. Actually, he is pretty cool. For him being a super hero is a job, and he does it to support his family because he happens to have super powers, and he may as well use them. I like that attitude. Unfortunately he gets a little preachy with the animal rights stuff and the vegetarianism, but I blame Grant Morrison.

Buddy is a pretty sane and stable guy, considering he's been through the ringer, mentally, a few times. It's not his fault he was chosen to be a Vertigo character, and as a result has had to see a lot of messed up shit. But he's handled it all very well and continues to have a great attitude, and a good sense of humour.

And do I love the name 'Buddy Baker'? Yes I do.

Buddy is also a family man, which is a pretty important aspect of his character. Not only does he have a wife and two kids, he also doesn't have a secret identity. He's an interesting case, that Animal Man.

I really like that he listens to music while he flies. He's basically an aged hipster, and I think that's fun.

8/10

Day Job: Full-Time hero. (Actually, more like part-time).

8/10

Sexiness of Powers: Buddy can take on the abilities of any animal in his vicinity. More often then not, the results are more gross than sexy. But it does mean that, in most circumstances, he's pretty damn powerful.
He can fly, he has super strength and speed, he can breathe underwater, and he can stink like a skunk. His powers really aren't very sexy, but still sexier than no powers.

7/10

Cons: He's a vegetarian. And he's married. With kids.

- 2

Final Score: 31/40

Woah, does that tie him up with Hal Jordan? It does! Good work, Buddy. You'd be a better boyfriend than Hal any day. And your hair would be fun to rumple.