Review of the (Best Ever)s, By Johnathan

Time to get back to my roots: making fun of out-of context comic book panels. Because I obsessively seek structure, today's theme is gonna be "Best (something) Ever." Here goes:

Best Alien Race Ever:

These guys:
They're from Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes No. 202 and I think that they were trying to make the Earth all polluted to that it'd be fit for them to take over or something. Whatever. Their lame plots do not interest me. What makes them great is that they look like crazy blue-haired space-hippies. They've got pink-and-white jumpsuits and little fangs! Plus, they have that mustache thing (which Blockade Boy assures me is called "friendly muttonchops") and Mega Man boots! They're absurdly muscular, so it kind of looks like they'd be good in a fight - but how can anyone that looks like that be good in a fight? They look like Hanna-Barbara characters, man.

That these guys could struggle past their sheer ridiculousness and advance their culture to the point that they could attempt genocide is nothing short of miraculous. Kudos to you, you cosmic dipwads.

JOHN APPROVED

Best Advice Ever:

Advice for a villain, that is. This here's another Legion panel, from Adventure Comics No. 325. The Legion visited Khann, the criminal's planet, looking to arrest this brain:

Good old Atro - always dispensing helpful advice. Of course, though there might be no witnesses left after you blow up the planet, there is going to be one clue: the recently-blown-up planet! I mean come on, Atro! You think that nobody's going to be interested in finding out who blew up a planet? Hmm?

"WELL.. MAYBE. BUT AT LEAST THEY WON'T PICK YOU UP FOR LOOTING THE PLACE."

Yeah, whatever, Atro. Nuts to you. NOT APPROVED.

That other guy though, the one laughing, "Billions will die! So what, eh? Ha, ha!" definitely wins a JOHN APPROVED for Best Sociopath in a Cameo Role Ever.

Best Hand Signals Ever:

Way back in the day, Shade, The Changing Man No. 6 featured this panel:
Now I know that these two were coordinating an escape attempt via sign language and facial expression, but I can't help but interpret their conversation thusly:

He: "Hey, baby - you wanna rock out?"

She: "Word."

Steve Ditko, man. Guy was ahead of his time. JOHN APPROVED.

Best Use of a Super-Computer Ever:

Adventure Comics No. 342 gave us this look at how the Legion of Super-Heroes spends their free time:

Dancing, games, hedonism! "We're having the big computer decide who'd have the most fun kissing whom."? Man, that's kind of messed up. I mean fine, you're all teenagers, but you hang out together all the time - this kind of thing can only escalate. The next time Star Boy walks by they're going to be all, "We're having the big computer assign us random sexual partners for the night."
"Come join in the fun! The big computer's teaching us about daisy chains!"
"We're all going to make love to the big computer!"

NOT APPROVED

Best Background Character (Lederhosen-Clad) Ever:

From What If No.22, which was about Dr. Doom not being evil or something:

Those are the characters in the background at Dr. Doom's wedding, where everyone's happy because their country's not ruled by an evil megalomaniac. These are some pretty great Latverians, but that little kid in front is the best. Let's take a closer look:

You sure won't, kid. You sure won't.

JOHN APPROVED

Rating the Super Hunks #10: Cyclops

Time to rate another super hunk. I'm shopping in the Marvel universe this week and have chosen the fearless, somewhat weinerish leader of the X-Men...

Cyclops, aka Scott Summers

"Would you like it to be?"

Costume/Appearance:

The question that we have to ask ourselves when rating Cyclops' costume is: which one? This guy has worn a lot of costumes over the years, rivaling even the number of women that he's bedded.

I think we'll dismiss the original costume for the sake of rating his hunkiness, because it was a standard issue X-Men uniform that he shared with his teammates. I'm also ignoring Ultimate Cyclops, because that's just how I roll. When I was a kid I thought the very bright blue and yellow 90s suit was very cool. Though, now that I am older and it is no longer the nineties. I think the straps all over his chest and shoulders are pretty ugly.

He can yell stuff while tongue kissing.

It was similar to the eighties suit, but didn't have the swashbuckling boots that I find so silly-looking. Basically I like the boots and hair-revealing of the nineties, plus the simplicity of the eighties. If we could combine all that, we'd have a nice costume.

I know it's not the focal point here, but his boot kinda looks like a big ol' mushroom.

The Morrison run on New X-Men had him in a pretty stylish leather get-up, with a big yellow X on the jacket.

Those are the loosest cuffs i have ever seen on a bomber jacket.

And in the new Astonishing X-Men series, he's lookin' superfly in his mostly black skin-tight wetsuit thing:

wasn't the point of this costume change to look less menacing?

Except I don't approve of the skullcap. I like hair being tossed around in battle.

The consistent factor here is the red visor, which is very cool. Always. Also cool: when not in costume, Scott always has to wear stylish red sunglasses. Or the visor. Either way: cool.

these are my beach jeans.

"i think they'll respond a lot better to a black wetsuit."

Scott generally is, and always has been, a very attractive man. I've especially enjoyed him lately in Astonishing with his constant stubble. It shows that he's loosening up a bit. Or going crazy. Either way, it looks good.

Unfortunately for Scott, he is usually standing next to an X-Men teammate who is a little dreamier than himself (Angel, Colossus...some would argue Wolverine. I wouldn't).

"And i know a thing or two about eyes popping!"

He's got your basic, rugged, all-American good looks. And a nice messy hairdo.

What percentage of this meal was cooked with his eyes?

8/10

Personality:

The thing about Cyclops is that he has grown on me as I have aged. When I was young, Cyclops was always the lame X-Man. And he was supposed to be. He's like Leonardo: the stick-in-the-mud, responsible leader type who frowns on everyone else's fun. He has almost no personality. But as an adult I now have a growing respect for Scott Summers. He really did have to lead team after team of annoying weirdos.

Where is that current one going?

But it's not like he did it without complaining. Dude is emo to the max. To the point that, even though he certainly will sleep with you, you're better off not doing it because you're just going to feel like you're taking advantage. He is perpetually on the re-bound for a woman who is perpetually turning into the Phoenix and dying.

"Uh...no. It's hank."

But the dude gets around. He's your classic can't-ever-be-alone-for-one-second guy, jumping from one relationship to the next and falling deeply in love until he sees another girl.

emma wears more to bed than to work.

Is any of this sexy? Not really. Add to it the fact that there is kind of an ominous borderline psychoticness that I feel lurks just below Scott's deceivingly dull surface, and you're looking at a guy who is getting points deducted.

6/10

i think he's gonna be ok.

Day Job:

He's currently the headmaster of the Xavier Academy, along with being the leader of the X-Men. Aside from this, he is also an expert pilot, which is always sexy.

It looks kinda like they are watching themselves on a movie screen.

9/10

Sexiness of Powers:

There is nothing particularly sexy about having uncontrollable deadly blasts shoot out of your eyes. But it does look cool.

Bobby left ten minutes ago.

The main reason why Cyclops' power isn't sexy is because he loathes it so much. Superpowers are only sexy if you enjoy them.

Although...

at this point you may as well just take the shorts off.

6/10

Tentacle porn.

Cons:

Beyond the already mentioned facts that Scott is kinda boring, very needy, very emo, and perhaps more than a little crazy, Scott doesn't have too many glaring flaws. He's a good leader who is usually respected by his teammates. Even the ones he doesn't sleep with. I'm still deleting points for all of the above, though.

- 4

i'm 100% on board with what's happening here.

Final Score: 25/40

Sorry, Scott. I tried to defend you, but you have so many glaring faults it's difficult. There's no shame in 25. It's a passing grade.

God, don't mention warren when you're trying to win a girl, doofus. you'll lose!

Solicitation Mania!

New DC Fall Solicitations!

Let's have a looksee:

Who in hell is going to buy the Batman Confidential hardcover?

I don't even know anyone who is buying the issues.

Hey, look what's gonna be a poster!

A little something to spruce up the ol' steam room. (I wish I had a steam room).

On the flip side, this is going to be a poster:

Batman can punch you in the face every single night before bed, and every morning when you wake up!

Awesome covers ahead:

This one, for Superman Confidential #8, is so beautiful that I want to cry. It also makes me really happy about the future of this comic:

Here's another beauty (The Spirit #10):

Here is what they are saying about Aquaman #56:

Further revelations abound concerning the murky past of the new Aquaman as he steps forward to embrace his future. He’d better get used to people calling him “Aquaman,” because it seems he’ll be around for a long time in the DCU! Find out why in this issue!

You've got my attention, DC.

More McGuinness-inspired Superman/Batman figures. Composite Superman/Batman!!! (My ideal husband):

There's a lot of awesome ahead from DC, it looks like (and I don't mean those action figures above). I am especially excited about the amount of work that J. Torres is going to be getting. Having him write a new Wonder Girl mini-series? Brilliant!

Oh, and this is weird:

COUNTDOWN PRESENTS THE SEARCH FOR RAY PALMER: WILDSTORM #1
Written by Ron Marz
Art by Paco Herrera
Cover by Arthur Adams
The Search for Ray Palmer truly kicks into high gear, as Kyle Rayner, Donna Troy and Jason Todd scour the Multiverse for the former Atom, who just might hold the key to saving reality from a crisis of unparalleled proportions. The trio's first stop: the Wildstorm Universe, where they come face-to-face with an entirely different -- and entirely more lethal -- brand of heroes. Wildstorm's finest are all here, including The Authority and Gen13, and they don't prepare a warm welcome for their visitors! The tour of the new DC Multiverse begins here!

Wildstorm Universe, eh? Huh.

Ann = Awesome

Sometimes you find an old comic that you want, but the kid who used to own it wrote on the cover, and it kind of sucks.

But sometimes it's kind of awesome.

My Spoiler-Free Mini-Review of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Silver Surfer! Whoosh!

I had a really good time at this movie, but I am of the camp that didn't hate the first one. I thought that Iaon Gruffudd stepped it up as Reed Richards, and Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis continued to be great. My only complaints were Sue Storm's eye make-up, which was ridiculously trampy, and just plain bad-looking, for the entire movie, and Dr Doom, who still sucked.

The problem with Dr Doom, besides the fact that the writers took some serious liberties with the character, is that Julian McMahon really, really phones him in. It's like, he gets to play Dr Doom in a movie, and he could care less. It's depressing. His Doom voice (or lack thereof) is so distracting. He does, however, have more costume changes than Cher on her farewell tour.

These are two fairly minor problems with a movie that, overall, was fun, cool-looking, and entertaining. It's an honest-to-God superhero movie with crazy comic book action. Plus, and this is a little spoilery, Stan Lee plays himself in the movie. It made my mind explode.

I'm happy to chat about the specifics of the movie in the safety zone of the comment thread.

Let's Rap!

In 1970, DC got its two squarest heroes to convince kids to fill out a survey.

"Let's Rap!" says Superman, fooling no one.

You can jive talk all you want, Supes. It only makes you look older.

We dig, Superman.

"Groovy?" Take another hit, you hippy!

Anyway, let's see what "groovy" things kids can choose from.

Wait, I'm sorry. What was that?

Yup, wedged right in there between Pollution and Space Flights.

Also of note on that list, Sports - which one (with nowhere to write which one) and Astrology. Not astronomy. Astrology. I would like to read a comic that involves everything on that list. Black astrologists who fly into space to solve city and national problems like pollution. Also, they play sports and fall in love. And have hobbies. (Hobbies is so vague. I love it).

It's worth reading the rest of that survey too.