Make Dragons History!

Are your plans constantly being interrupted by dragons?

Have your children been eaten by dragons?

Do you go to start your car...only to find it's been destroyed by a dragon?

Do you have to replace your roof more than three times/week?

Do you wish you could walk out of your house without seeing this:

Are Dragons RUINING YOUR LIFE?

It doesn't have to be like this.

It's time you took a stand. It's time you took your life back. It's time you purchased....

THE DRAGON MUTILATOR

This all-in-one dragon defense system features not one, but two blades. Use them together, or take them apart for double dragon slaying action! The spiked hand grip will tear unwanted dragons apart! The Dragon Mutilator is the brand dragons know and fear. Simply put, you would be a fool to not purchase this incredible weapon.

It's time to let the dragons know that they are not the boss of you. It's time to stand up and say "Those babies I make are for me to love, not for dragons to eat!" With the Dragon Mutilator no dragon will bother you and no woman can resist you. Now when someone asks "Aren't you afraid of that dragon?" you can proudly say "Not anymore."

The Dragon Mutilator can be yours for only $28, available at finer websites and flea markets everywhere.

Perverted Tales of the Teen Titans

Man, the Teen Titans creep me out. Like, every other page I come across a panel that makes me feel like a dirty voyeur. I don't need to know this much about the Titans and their kinky sexual escapades.

Cyborg builds a hologram projector, and this is the first thing he thinks of to do with it:

Then Dick adds to the mood:

Cyborg is just hanging in the back, waiting for the magic to start happening. Dick is not denying, or confirming, Donna's statement.

Changeling's sexual deviancies are even more disturbing:

Wow.

Titans Tower sees more action than the Playboy Mansion.

Doom is Happy to Repeat a Very Special Offer

Bully recently posted some fun old Marvel subscription ads. I have one to add. I think it's timely because it reminds us that, no matter how out-of-character Dr Doom was acting in the Fantastic Four movies...it could have been worse:

In other news, I got tagged with one of these meme things all the kids are talking about. It asks that I post eight random facts about myself. I don't usually divulge too much info about myself that isn't comic-related on this blog, so consider this a rare treat.

I don't wanna tag anyone. Is that ok? Will that make the world die? I'm in way over my head here.

Gather round. It's time to learn eight random facts about me.

1. As far as I can tell, my love of superheroes began with Mighty Mouse. I was insane about that mouse when I was three or four or so. I couldn't tell time, but I knew what the hands of the clock looked like when it was time for Mighty Mouse. At that same time, I was really into He-Man as well, until the episode where Skeletor turns He-Man into a statue. That scared the hell out of me. And I never watched it again.

2. My favourite drink is gin and tonic. Or a gin martini. Or a bucket of gin. Whatever.

3. I am a huge hockey fan, specifically of the Montreal Canadiens. As a kid, my hero was Patrick Roy. When I was twelve I got to meet him and I couldn't say a single word. It was like meeting Batman.

4. I had a joke published in Readers Digest when I was a kid. It was terrible. I got $40.

5. My last three boyfriends have been named 'Matt.' (You're next, Daredevil!)

6. I really hate eggs, mushrooms, mayonnaise, raw tomatoes and most seafood.

7. My last name is pronounced Go-gahn (like the artist Gaugain, but with a gross Eastern Canadian accent).

8. My roommate/boyfriend/best buddy Matthew has surprised me by purchasing a vintage Hammond organ, which got delivered to our apartment today. You can add keyboards to the long list of things that I am nerdy about. We loves us some keyboards. Now I can have live organ music serenading me while I post on this blog. My apartment sounds like Fenway. I love it.

This Week's Haul: Flash Dance

Well played, DC. Well played.

If you haven't read your comics yet this week, I'll just let you know that I am throwing down all sorts of spoilers here. You've been warned.

The Flash #13

It's the last issue of this series. It has the Black Flash on the cover. Carrying Bart's dead body. So anything that happens inside isn't much of a surprise.

In the grand tradition of making me like a character most just before he or she dies, I liked Bart a lot in this issue. He goes down fighting. Hard.

Sadly, it's not enough.

R.I.P. Bart Allan. We hardly understood ye.

Tim Drake is sad:
I thought that was pretty touching. Man that kid has seen a pile of death.

So that ends that run on The Flash. Mark Waid takes over soon, but with which Flash? The answer can only be found in JLA #10.

Justice League of America #10

Ow! I've got boobs in my eye!

Ok, before we get to the big reveal, a couple of items:

I liked the point made by Jay Garrick that he is not the fastest member of the combined teams:

Hal? Really? Also...where's Vixen? Apparently she can run as fast as a cheetah, which can run as fast as lightning. Also...Power Girl's shorts. They are stupid. I love Ed Benes' art, but I can't stand the cheesecake. Black Canary looks even worse:

Yes, Dinah. We do have a problem. This is what you choose to wear to the office.

With that all out of the way, let's get to the good stuff. I was on the edge of my seat for this whole issue. I was sure I knew what was going to happen, and who was going to come back. I mean, I think we all did. I was close...but not quite right:

Wally West?! I mean...I like Wally. I'm glad he's back. It's just...no, I'm glad he's back. I think Batman summed up my feelings in this adorable and heartbreaking panel:

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Who needs a cookie?

Again, Starman is great.

But seriously, I'm glad it's Wally. Of course I wanted to see Barry Allen (I spelled it right this time!) again. But he is one of those characters where I think his death is more important than the actual character. And Wally has been the Flash for almost as long as Barry was. He's our Flash. And he's a great character and I'm glad to see him back and a part of the JLA.

Yay for Wally!

Aw, who am I kidding? I wanted a tearful reunion/group hug with Barry, Hal and Batman. Though, I don't think we should give up on Barry coming back just yet. I think this was a fake-out. Barry will be back.

The real treat of this story was the confirmation that the Justice League and the Justice Society combined are no match for the Legion of Super Heroes.

Oh, and guess who's sticking around:

Countdown Week 45

I barely remember what happened in this. I did notice that Palmiotti and Gray were writing it for the second week in a row. And that it had a nice Benes cover with Karate Kid hanging with the JLA.

And this made me laugh out loud. Jimmy is dictating into a pocket recorder as he does some investigative jounalism:

And then he does spell out who the New Gods are, for the sake of his/DC's readers:

I love it. A double-page primer of who's who on Apokoplips and New Genesis. It's so ridiculous. Man, this series is so weird.

And just in case a New Gods roll call doesn't sexually excite the male readers, they threw in this:

So did you need to read Countdown to get the full death/return of The Flash story? Absolutely not. This entire issue was actually pretty damn forgettable. Unless you need to know who the New Gods are. And even if you do it's going to be wrong because Jimmy called the "Forever People" the "Tomorrow People" for whatever reason (possibly just to make Strange Adventures manager/New Gods superfan Dave Howlett's head explode).

The Brave and the Bold #4

Oh, hooray. I love this comic.

Last we saw Batman, he had been merged with Tharok:

I'm looking forward to seeing how he gets out of this one. But that will have to wait until next issue because this one focuses on Supergirl and Lobo.

I really like how well Supergirl handles herself around Lobo.

And I also enjoy her temper:

Especially Lobo's indifferent "Yep."

Plus, who would have expected a touching scene between the two of them like this one:

Supergirl is awesome in this series.

I love the crazy team-ups so far in this series. Supergirl and Lobo? Batman and Blue Beetle? Green Lantern and Supergirl? And next...Batman and the Legion of Super Heroes?! Awesome. I wish this comic came out every day.

The Incredible Hulk #107/Iron Man #19/Ghost Rider #12

No one is going to accuse the World War Hulk cross-over of moving too quickly.

I didn't read Heroes for Hire. Should I?

All three of these issues revisit the events of last week's World War Hulk #1, from different POVs. I really enjoyed the Hulk comic because it focused on his allies. It followed heroes (Hercules, Angel, Namora, and that really smart Amadeus Cho kid) and ordinary American citizens who are sympathetic to the Hulk, some of whom are even pro-Hulk killing everyone. Unfortunately for them, Hulk is not pro-anyone from Earth. And it's hard to convince him to listen.

So there's some fighting:

And it ends with this:

I like seeing sides getting formed, so it won't just be Hulk versus everyone. It makes sense that a lot of regular people would hate Iron Man and other superheroes after the Civil War.

As for Iron Man, this just gave his perspective on the battle from last week, with no new real information. I think that the point was to make him seem heroic and noble, but I still think he's a douche.

Watching all the Iron Man robots get smashed by Hulk's ship was cool:

Basically we got to see a lot of last week's comic with different art. Pretty art.

As for Ghost Rider, which is an odd tie-in, well...he's mostly just concerned about traffic problems as Manhattan is being evacuated. He has to make his own (awesome) detours:

Y'know, I haven't read a single issue of the new Ghost Rider series. In fact, I probably haven't read a Ghost Rider comic at all since I was twelve. I have to say, I kinda enjoyed this. I have no idea what Johnny plans on doing once he's gotten the Hulk's attention, but I doubt he'll be the one to bring the big guy down. Whatever happens, it's only going to last one more issue.

I like that art.

The Amazing Spider-Man #541/The Sensational Spider-Man #38/Fallen Son: Spider-Man

Before I get into this pile of Spider-Man (which only represents half of the Spider-Man comics to come out this week), I just want to make an obervation about Marvel.

I have figured out the fundamental problem with Marvel, and by problem, I mean reason why I don't like Marvel comics as much as DC comics. Marvel comics take place in the real world (read: current day America), and are determined to accurately capture that real world in their stories. So what happens when the real world is as bleak and depressing and tense as it is right now? You get non-stop Marvel wars, evil Iron Man, dead Captain America, and Spider-Man comics that make me want to commit suicide. Where is my escapism? Over at DC they are dealing with crazy, Earth-multiplying wackiness and bringing people back from the dead using lightning rods. And over at Marvel we have Sharon Carter in her bathroom with a gun in her mouth, and Peter Parker giving his dying aunt emergency blood transfusions.

Alright, so in Amazing Spider-Man, we have Peter Parker, not in costume, interrogating a guy. Then, by the time he's finished, he's in full costume:

So my question is: was Spider-Man changing his clothes while talking to this guy?

Sensational Spider-Man was actually really good. It was an Eddie Brock story, and it had fantastic art by Lee Weeks and Stefano Gaudiano.

Eddie is in the hospital dying of cancer (again: fun!) while being haunted by Venom. It was a Venom story and I liked it, so it must be pretty damn good.

Fallen Son is too depressing for words.

Argh. All I've got to say is thank God for Jeff Parker.

Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four #3

This series is so right for so many reasons. It's fun, it's hilarious, it's all-ages appropriate, it's clever...it's everything a Spider-Man comic should be. And everything a Fantastic Four comic should be. It's great. But there's only one issue left.

There were just so many fun moments. Spider-Man busting his honorary "4":

Dr Doom talking like Dr Doom should:

Dr Doom being kinda scared that Reed Richards is stumped by something:

Just a good time. For everyone.

Catwoman #68

Oh, Catwoman. I love you. Even if you comic is starting to get repetitive. I feel that it's about to go off in a bold new direction soon, though. It's always a good read, but lately I've felt that the larger story has been treading water a little. Now Holly is off to Metropolis in Countdown, and it looks like Batman might be showing up a bit in this comic again. He was mentioned in this issue.

Ha. Jupiter. Actually, Selina, depending on what you're reading, he's either chilling with the JLA and celebrating/mourning the return of Wally West, or he's joined bodies with Tharok and is a prisoner of the Legion of Super Heroes, or he is in the hospital after a convoluted adventure with the Metal Men, or he is just about to be shot by the Joker as Zatanna dies in front of him, or he is in Europe getting his groove back with a super model while trying to deal with the fact that he has an estranged son, or he is fighting off Amazons in D.C., or he is having Father's Day dinner with Tim. Just to name a few of the possibilities. Either way, he cannot come to the phone right now.

I also just want to mention that putting Selina's child in the middle of the road as she comes charging in a stolen police cruiser at top speed to stop the bad guys?

Hardcore.

Robin #163

When this comic is on its game, it can be as good as Catwoman. And that is high praise from me. This issue was on its game. First of all, it was adorable. They had me at Tim buying an engraved watch for Bruce for father's day. Secondly, it followed the Catwoman formula for fun: cute/entertaining opening scene, large fun battle against a ridiculous villain with lots of action and funny quips, cute/entertaining end scene.

I'm not saying that all comics need to be like this all the time, I'm just saying I like it when they are.

Cute opening scene:

Funny villains:

Fun fight scenes:

Alfred fretting about Tim not being home to make dinner like he promised. Bruce Wayne strolling into the kitchen just as a casual reminder that he is sexy:

Good stuff!

Captain America #27

This comic is so awesome. Seriously. I know I just went off on Marvel for being too serious lately, but I forgive all things Brubaker-related because they are PERFECT.

This issue had a whole lot of sexy, sexy Winter Soldier and his mission to steal back Cap's shield, and kill Tony Stark. I approve of both parts of this mission.

Here's a nice scene at the National History Museum's Captain America memorial exhibit in Washington:

We also learn that, while in Russia, Bucky was getting some action from Natalia Romanova.

Nice! Too bad she's working for Stark now.

And if hot Winter Soldier action doesn't turn your crank, how about Sharon's new outfit?

Something for everyone!

I am really not giving this comic the respect it deserves. But, really, who doesn't know that it's a frigging masterpiece?

Aquaman #53

This comic just gets better and better.

For one thing, Manta is totally awesome.

Ha! "Attention, beloved trembling citizens!" Just a perfectly-written villain.

Actually, every character is totally awesome. And the story is great. Each issue is packed with tons of great dialoge and interesting plot developments. It's one of those comics where you can kind of trust that there is a solid plan for the story arc, and that they are going to do a good job telling it. I heard that this title is in danger of being canceled, and I, for one, will be miserable if that happens. Anyone who loves Jeff Smith's Shazam series should love this.

Plus, Manta gets his face bitten off:

And the shark that did it? Awesome.

Alright, I'm feeling under the weather and I am tired of writing. I also really enjoyed The Legion of Super Heroes in the 31st Century #3, and Marvel Adventures Iron Man #2. Two high quality all-ages comics that were great-looking, entertaining, and funny.

Review of the (Best Ever)s, By Johnathan

Time to get back to my roots: making fun of out-of context comic book panels. Because I obsessively seek structure, today's theme is gonna be "Best (something) Ever." Here goes:

Best Alien Race Ever:

These guys:
They're from Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes No. 202 and I think that they were trying to make the Earth all polluted to that it'd be fit for them to take over or something. Whatever. Their lame plots do not interest me. What makes them great is that they look like crazy blue-haired space-hippies. They've got pink-and-white jumpsuits and little fangs! Plus, they have that mustache thing (which Blockade Boy assures me is called "friendly muttonchops") and Mega Man boots! They're absurdly muscular, so it kind of looks like they'd be good in a fight - but how can anyone that looks like that be good in a fight? They look like Hanna-Barbara characters, man.

That these guys could struggle past their sheer ridiculousness and advance their culture to the point that they could attempt genocide is nothing short of miraculous. Kudos to you, you cosmic dipwads.

JOHN APPROVED

Best Advice Ever:

Advice for a villain, that is. This here's another Legion panel, from Adventure Comics No. 325. The Legion visited Khann, the criminal's planet, looking to arrest this brain:

Good old Atro - always dispensing helpful advice. Of course, though there might be no witnesses left after you blow up the planet, there is going to be one clue: the recently-blown-up planet! I mean come on, Atro! You think that nobody's going to be interested in finding out who blew up a planet? Hmm?

"WELL.. MAYBE. BUT AT LEAST THEY WON'T PICK YOU UP FOR LOOTING THE PLACE."

Yeah, whatever, Atro. Nuts to you. NOT APPROVED.

That other guy though, the one laughing, "Billions will die! So what, eh? Ha, ha!" definitely wins a JOHN APPROVED for Best Sociopath in a Cameo Role Ever.

Best Hand Signals Ever:

Way back in the day, Shade, The Changing Man No. 6 featured this panel:
Now I know that these two were coordinating an escape attempt via sign language and facial expression, but I can't help but interpret their conversation thusly:

He: "Hey, baby - you wanna rock out?"

She: "Word."

Steve Ditko, man. Guy was ahead of his time. JOHN APPROVED.

Best Use of a Super-Computer Ever:

Adventure Comics No. 342 gave us this look at how the Legion of Super-Heroes spends their free time:

Dancing, games, hedonism! "We're having the big computer decide who'd have the most fun kissing whom."? Man, that's kind of messed up. I mean fine, you're all teenagers, but you hang out together all the time - this kind of thing can only escalate. The next time Star Boy walks by they're going to be all, "We're having the big computer assign us random sexual partners for the night."
"Come join in the fun! The big computer's teaching us about daisy chains!"
"We're all going to make love to the big computer!"

NOT APPROVED

Best Background Character (Lederhosen-Clad) Ever:

From What If No.22, which was about Dr. Doom not being evil or something:

Those are the characters in the background at Dr. Doom's wedding, where everyone's happy because their country's not ruled by an evil megalomaniac. These are some pretty great Latverians, but that little kid in front is the best. Let's take a closer look:

You sure won't, kid. You sure won't.

JOHN APPROVED

Rating the Super Hunks #10: Cyclops

Time to rate another super hunk. I'm shopping in the Marvel universe this week and have chosen the fearless, somewhat weinerish leader of the X-Men...

Cyclops, aka Scott Summers

"Would you like it to be?"

Costume/Appearance:

The question that we have to ask ourselves when rating Cyclops' costume is: which one? This guy has worn a lot of costumes over the years, rivaling even the number of women that he's bedded.

I think we'll dismiss the original costume for the sake of rating his hunkiness, because it was a standard issue X-Men uniform that he shared with his teammates. I'm also ignoring Ultimate Cyclops, because that's just how I roll. When I was a kid I thought the very bright blue and yellow 90s suit was very cool. Though, now that I am older and it is no longer the nineties. I think the straps all over his chest and shoulders are pretty ugly.

He can yell stuff while tongue kissing.

It was similar to the eighties suit, but didn't have the swashbuckling boots that I find so silly-looking. Basically I like the boots and hair-revealing of the nineties, plus the simplicity of the eighties. If we could combine all that, we'd have a nice costume.

I know it's not the focal point here, but his boot kinda looks like a big ol' mushroom.

The Morrison run on New X-Men had him in a pretty stylish leather get-up, with a big yellow X on the jacket.

Those are the loosest cuffs i have ever seen on a bomber jacket.

And in the new Astonishing X-Men series, he's lookin' superfly in his mostly black skin-tight wetsuit thing:

wasn't the point of this costume change to look less menacing?

Except I don't approve of the skullcap. I like hair being tossed around in battle.

The consistent factor here is the red visor, which is very cool. Always. Also cool: when not in costume, Scott always has to wear stylish red sunglasses. Or the visor. Either way: cool.

these are my beach jeans.

"i think they'll respond a lot better to a black wetsuit."

Scott generally is, and always has been, a very attractive man. I've especially enjoyed him lately in Astonishing with his constant stubble. It shows that he's loosening up a bit. Or going crazy. Either way, it looks good.

Unfortunately for Scott, he is usually standing next to an X-Men teammate who is a little dreamier than himself (Angel, Colossus...some would argue Wolverine. I wouldn't).

"And i know a thing or two about eyes popping!"

He's got your basic, rugged, all-American good looks. And a nice messy hairdo.

What percentage of this meal was cooked with his eyes?

8/10

Personality:

The thing about Cyclops is that he has grown on me as I have aged. When I was young, Cyclops was always the lame X-Man. And he was supposed to be. He's like Leonardo: the stick-in-the-mud, responsible leader type who frowns on everyone else's fun. He has almost no personality. But as an adult I now have a growing respect for Scott Summers. He really did have to lead team after team of annoying weirdos.

Where is that current one going?

But it's not like he did it without complaining. Dude is emo to the max. To the point that, even though he certainly will sleep with you, you're better off not doing it because you're just going to feel like you're taking advantage. He is perpetually on the re-bound for a woman who is perpetually turning into the Phoenix and dying.

"Uh...no. It's hank."

But the dude gets around. He's your classic can't-ever-be-alone-for-one-second guy, jumping from one relationship to the next and falling deeply in love until he sees another girl.

emma wears more to bed than to work.

Is any of this sexy? Not really. Add to it the fact that there is kind of an ominous borderline psychoticness that I feel lurks just below Scott's deceivingly dull surface, and you're looking at a guy who is getting points deducted.

6/10

i think he's gonna be ok.

Day Job:

He's currently the headmaster of the Xavier Academy, along with being the leader of the X-Men. Aside from this, he is also an expert pilot, which is always sexy.

It looks kinda like they are watching themselves on a movie screen.

9/10

Sexiness of Powers:

There is nothing particularly sexy about having uncontrollable deadly blasts shoot out of your eyes. But it does look cool.

Bobby left ten minutes ago.

The main reason why Cyclops' power isn't sexy is because he loathes it so much. Superpowers are only sexy if you enjoy them.

Although...

at this point you may as well just take the shorts off.

6/10

Tentacle porn.

Cons:

Beyond the already mentioned facts that Scott is kinda boring, very needy, very emo, and perhaps more than a little crazy, Scott doesn't have too many glaring flaws. He's a good leader who is usually respected by his teammates. Even the ones he doesn't sleep with. I'm still deleting points for all of the above, though.

- 4

i'm 100% on board with what's happening here.

Final Score: 25/40

Sorry, Scott. I tried to defend you, but you have so many glaring faults it's difficult. There's no shame in 25. It's a passing grade.

God, don't mention warren when you're trying to win a girl, doofus. you'll lose!