The Bride of Batman

My new comics were delayed until today because of St Jean Baptiste Day in Quebec. Stupid Quebec. So to fill the void, I give you one of the greatest comics ever...

It is, of course, an imaginary story. Which means I don't have to kill Lois out of jealousy.

So our story starts with Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson getting ready for a costume party (oh, Silver Age. How I love you and your daily masquerade balls).

Bruce Wayne has a secret...a creepy secret:

I love his Bluebeard-style forbidden room that's full of mannequins and gifts. I love that he bought her a tiara...and shoes. In fact, there is nothing about this room that screams "straight" to me. "Oh I just buy pretty gowns and jewels and furs...for Lois. I'll never give them to her, but I assure you, they are for her and I do not just routinely go shopping for women's clothing and accessories and come in here and try them on."

Ok, so we've established that Bruce Wayne is even crazier than we thought he was. Let's move on to that costume ball.

Awwww. Poor Bruce. But I 100% approve of his costume choice. After seeing that room, though, I kinda expected him to show up as Jackie O.

Lois is at the party as Joan of Arc. And she actually brings a horse with her as part of the costume. Because she's stupid. Of course, the horse gets spooked. Bruce Wayne to the rescue!

*sigh* Whatta man.

Lois must have spent a fortune on that horse armor.

So Superman shows up with Wonder Woman after some sort of mission, and Lois gets all angry when he says they have to leave again for another crisis.

Mod Amazon? Fantastic!

Bruce Wayne was never one to miss an opportunity:

Why not, indeed, Lois? And look at the fun you're going to have together:

Bruce Wayne: Barrel of Fun.

Bruce and Lois continue courting...with sexy results (this is where I get really jealous):

Argh! So jealous! But...Lois is pretty awesome:

Hee! (Wait...what is Bruce wearing around his neck?!).

So now they're engaged, and Bruce decides to break the news to his best buddy Superman. The entire next page is AMAZING:

Holy smokes. First of all...does anyone not have a creepy shrine devoted to Lois? Secondly...Superman is smashing that bust of Lois in the face with his fist! I'm terrified! And the sobbing! Oh, Superman, pull yourself together. After all....you have a wedding to go to:

Ouch.

Lois, by the way, does not know that Bruce Wayne = Batman. That's a little something Bruce likes to pull out for the wedding night:

That panel of him swinging her around is very cute. As is the one below, with the GIANT DIAGRAM OF HIS SECRET CAVE.

The thing I really like about all of this is how happy Lois is. She's such a superhero fangirl. Bruce Wayne was a pretty good husband...but Batman?! Outstanding!

Superman isn't the only one who's jealous:

Stop lurking around the newlyweds, creepy! What are you hoping to see? I do love what he's thinking, though. (Jimmy Olsen knows Batman's secret? That's a blow).

Eventually Bruce Jr is born, which Robin is also not too happy about:

I love the "Cool it, Robin."

The purpose is to train the toddler as a crimefighter. I'm serious. If you weren't already concerned about Batman's sanity and his tendency to place minors in harm's way, you should be now.

Robin is stone pissed about turning the duo into a trio, until Batman asks him to be the kid's teacher:

Wow. Lois is in on this plan, eh? That's kinda surprising.

In that second panel I love the giant close-up of Batman's nose, and Robin saying "It swings!"

Things start to go wrong in the second half of the story. Lois gets kidnapped and nearly driven mad by crooks who want to know Batman's secret identity. I just think this next set of panels is awesome-looking:

Nice, Lois. Real nice. What did Clark ever do to you? You couldn't have said "Lex Luthor?"

The story continues in a direction that I cannot possibly explain. Just to give you some idea of how far off the rails it gets, this is a later panel:

Anyway, the whole thing ends like this:

"Boy was I wrong!"
"You sure were, friend! Her life is totally in danger!"
"Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
"Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

Review of a Test, By Johnathan

I've been sitting on this one for a while, for no particular reason. No idea where I first got it from but I recently saw it again while reading Metal Men No. 19, from April 1966, so I'll say there. This was one of DC's ways of acknowledging the social upheavals of the Sixties:

That's right, DC beats Cosmopolitan by at least a decade for so with this. People could test their Brotherhood Quotient long before being able to do so with their Drama Quotient (D.Q.) or Commitment Quotient (C.Q.).* Yes, every funnybook reader in the Americas could stop reading about Superboy for a minute and figure out whether they were racists or not.

I've chopped the page that this originally appeared on up so that we can examine them individually. Let's begin, shall we?

*Actual tests that have appeared in Cosmo, says my minimal research.

I almost wish that this weren't Part A of the test, because it's a doozy. Aside from the awesome rating system - which another time I might have written an entire review of (though I must say: Mr. So-So looks a bit more like Mr. Quietly Terrified) - these categories are reasonably insane. I understand that the point of the test is to get the kids to thinking about the ways that they look at other folk, but some of the juxtapositions are sort of mind-blowing.

"Kids! How do you feel about spiders? Hate 'em, huh? Well, do you hate Jews more or less than that? Uh-huh. What about Cabbage? More or less repulsive than Negroes?" (Was that still considered an okay term? Let's see... Wikipedia says yes.) I can just imagine the brainstorming session: "Okay guys, we need a list of things that people might not like - whatcha got?" "Cabbage." "Gypsies." "That damn music those long-hairs play at all hours." "Catholics." "Hey!" "Uh... Baptists, too."

On to Part B:

I believe that all men are created equal... except for the fact that Caucasians have a much greater density. Thus, in any given gathering of disembodied heads a cluster of craniums will form around the very whitest - typically a blonde - and more racially diverse heads will orbit the resultant Orb of Paleness.

Part C:

I do! But does one-on-one basketball played in what appears to be a basketless circle of asphalt actually qualify as a sport? If so, does it require a referee? Both teams appear to think the answer is no, but we'll let the council decide once they finish discussing the budget and emerge from town hall.

Part D:

"We stand out front and point at him, if that's what you mean."

I don't know, maybe it's because I live in Halifax, but that looks like a swarming gearing up to take place. If I moved to a new neighborhood and a crowd of wildly different-sized kids started lurking outside? I'd be creeped out. If this was a picture of about a second earlier I bet the poor red-headed kid would be in the process of being pushed out the door by his mother. Kid looks sickly, too - probably won't last that long.

How'd we score?

"Chee, Billy, maybe it was wrong to firebomb alla them houses. I guess we got some thinkin' to do about our attitude twords our fellow man, huh?"

Ah, but seriously. This thing's pretty easy to poke fun at in our supremely enlightened, racism-free (I almost typed that without laughing) times, but consider that it was produced at a time when things were still nowhere near even the flawed equality that we have today, most likely by a middle-aged white guy or group of white guys and probably with the best of intentions rather than as a cynical marketing ploy. I mean, it's not like they were sprinkling positive ethnically diverse characters all over the place but at least they tried. I'll throw 'em a JOHN APPROVED.

Rating the Super Hunks #11: Dick Grayson

You knew this one was coming. This week Super Hunk theatre presents the pin-up pretty boy of the DCU...

Dick Grayson, aka Nightwing

He is just poured into that costume.

Costume/Appearance:

Little Dick Grayson. He grew up. He filled out. He got hot...eventually.

The current Nightwing costume is great. Really nice-looking. Nice colours, nice lines, nice fit. Also, great hair. I have no complaints about the current Nightwing costume. Or the appearance of the man filling it.

Hey, girl.

But we can't ignore the fact that it took Dick a loooong time to get there. And we had to see some pretty disgusting incarnations of Nightwing first.

No.

"When i look over my shoulder, I don't want to see a damn thing, alright?"

No.

"I'm growing a ponytail, bruce, and you can't stop me!"

No.

What...what is this?

Super no.

"Who's the playboy now, bruce?"

Alright, that last one wasn't technically a Nightwing costume, but Jesus. If you can stand it, take some time to really study that thing. You'll notice that, as well as high-waisted baggy jeans, a short-sleeve polka-dot Oxford, Achy Breaky hair and intensely hairy arms, Dick is wearing loafers with no socks. You can stand in front of all the Ferraris you want and you will never look good wearing that.

I also abhor that long, disgusting rat-tail thing that Dick was rocking for awhile. It's so gross. It's like a serpent. I also never understood why it was way longer than his hair was when it wasn't pulled back. *shudder*

But if we focus on the now, and ignore the past, Dick is a looker.

Every nightwing comic should have a shower scene.

8/10

Personality:

I'm not sure how to put this lightly, but Dick Grayson is kinda...dumb. Or, if not dumb, he is lacking common sense. And he thinks with his manhood more than his brain, rivaling even Hal Jordan in this department (uh, the thinking part...I don't know about the manhood part). For a kid who grew up under the constant watch and teachings of Batman, Dick is a bit of a disappointment. I mean, he's a good leader and strategist, but overall...

On the positive side, Dick still retains a lot of the playful boyishness that we knew and loved in him as Robin. Again, considering his being raised by Bruce Wayne, having any kind of sense of humour is impressive. And he's, y'know, a nice guy who wants to help people.

boyish good looks!

Remember when he was partnered with that gay cop, and the other mean cops were beating up the gay cop, and Dick intervened? And when the mean cops asked Dick if he was his boyfriend or something, Dick said "What if I am?" That was nice. He gets a point for that.

I like Dick Grayson. I like him a lot. But he ain't no Tim Drake. And he is certainly these two things:

1. Boring

2. Horny

He gets a lot of play. A LOT of play:

"Nice to meet you, my name is mmrrrff!!"

get it, girl.

"BUT, WE ONLY HAVE FIVE MINUTES!"
"I ONLY NEED TWO."

this is the hottest thing i have ever seen.

Even when he looks like this:

can we just take a moment to appreciate her outfit?

Dude, we're just as surprised as you are.

The fact that Nightwing is one of the most sexually active superheroes out there certainly earns him some points in the hunk department. And the fact that I can now look at him without throwing up certainly helps. He's not...great...with women. But look at who he had as a teacher.

7/10

Day Job:

Dick Grayson was a City of Blundhaven police officer. I think that's awesome. That means when he's not fighting crime...he's fighting crime.

"Also I took off my shoes. And my pants got ripped. And my shirt got ripped. And my hair got sexily mussed."

But now he's just Nightwing. Oh...he runs a circus school. That's...not really all that sexy.

8/10

Sexiness of Powers:

Dick has no powers, but he was trained by Batman. And, before that, he was trained as one of the top circus acrobats in the world. The result is that he rules at fighting, and can do crazy aerial stunts. He's strong and graceful. Of course that's sexy.

Plus, he's apparently the only person in the world who can do a quadruple somersault.

10/10

He's very flexible.

Dick in the face!

Cons:

Dick Grayson's name is 'Dick.' I'm taking one point off for that. I'm also deducting points for his tendency to grow his hair badly, the fact that his comic is pretty boring, and for jerking Barbara Gordon around.

-4

smoldering manga-looking dick!

Final Score: 29/40

He's sexy alright, but he'll always just be sidekick sexy. Plus, Tim Drake is going to grow up to look exactly like him, but way more awesome. Why have hamburger when you can wait a few years for steak?

you know it, lady.

Review of Some Robots, Part 2, By Johnathan

Boy oh boy do I have big news! Remember how last time around I showed you the first appearance of Silver and Copper as made-up extra Metal Men? How they were just kind of standing on a beach, all generic and miscoloured? Well evidently they realized that they hadn't made too good an impression the first time around because Silver and Copper are back! They both made repeat appearances in the "Metal Facts & Fancies" section of Metal Men comics and kicked a fair bit more ass in their second times at bat.

Here's Silver:

Beating the hell out of some germs! I like the diseases-as-gangsters motif, though it'd be even better if they had, like, cilia on their faces or gross snotty-looking speech balloons or something. Silver herself ain't bad, though I'm not sure I like the granny panties that she has riveted on there. What I do like is that the requisite Metal Men headpiece is a nurse's hat - very thematically appropriate. (On a side note: I had one Metal Men comic when I was kid and I had no idea what was up with Tina. Like, I thought that she was Silver, because Tina = short for Platinum isn't the first assumption an eight-year-old makes. Plus, I thought she might've been Jewish, because whoever was drawing her made her little hat look a lot like a yamukle).

Anyway, Silver's still JOHN APPROVED

Copper came back too, and guess who she's dating?

Tin! Tin's got a girl he didn't even build! And what a girl! Copper's a stone fox, fictional robot-wise. She's got a crazy miniskirt with sleeves on, a neat headband-influenced hairdo - i think I see a dimple, even. This robo-lady's definitely JOHN APP- hold on...

What's this?

Huh. A smelter-wedding. Haven't been to one of those in years. Good to see the old traditions kept alive. Anyway, as I was saying, Copper's JOHN APPROV- huh.

Oh, gross. That's just wrong. No wonder Doc Magnus doesn't want to marry Tina. Bronze is apparently going to be the Metal Man that comes out of storage once a year to scare children on Hallowe'en. I blame the Comics Code Authority - they were probably all like "You can't melt a boy-robot and a girl-robot together and get a functioning individual, it'll challenge children's sexuality. Next thing you know two kids'll be crawling into a furnace so they can melt together. You're gonna have to make this thing look like an abomination, sorry."

Pre-melting Copper is JOHN APPROVED. Bronze is NOT APPROVED.

Last one!

Now supposedly this panel is about Copper and Silver, but I just see Copper, who has apparently gotten over the divorce from Tin by forming a rock band and switching genders again. That's the kind of emotional resiliency that gets one metal (Copper) into the upcoming Metal Men comic while other metals (Silver) just sit and tarnish gently.

Though I'm not sure what a metal Beatles-analog has to do with heat conductivity, I do enjoy seeing that old classic "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah" being played. You don't hear it much any more but it was one of the top songs of the Sixties in the DC Universe, along with "Baby, Baby, Baby" and "Yeah Baby Yeah." The crowd of swooning metal gals is a nice touch, too . Say! maybe they're fainting because of the heat! That's where it all comes together!

The Copper Beatles are JOHN APPROVED.

Make Dragons History!

Are your plans constantly being interrupted by dragons?

Have your children been eaten by dragons?

Do you go to start your car...only to find it's been destroyed by a dragon?

Do you have to replace your roof more than three times/week?

Do you wish you could walk out of your house without seeing this:

Are Dragons RUINING YOUR LIFE?

It doesn't have to be like this.

It's time you took a stand. It's time you took your life back. It's time you purchased....

THE DRAGON MUTILATOR

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It's time to let the dragons know that they are not the boss of you. It's time to stand up and say "Those babies I make are for me to love, not for dragons to eat!" With the Dragon Mutilator no dragon will bother you and no woman can resist you. Now when someone asks "Aren't you afraid of that dragon?" you can proudly say "Not anymore."

The Dragon Mutilator can be yours for only $28, available at finer websites and flea markets everywhere.

Perverted Tales of the Teen Titans

Man, the Teen Titans creep me out. Like, every other page I come across a panel that makes me feel like a dirty voyeur. I don't need to know this much about the Titans and their kinky sexual escapades.

Cyborg builds a hologram projector, and this is the first thing he thinks of to do with it:

Then Dick adds to the mood:

Cyborg is just hanging in the back, waiting for the magic to start happening. Dick is not denying, or confirming, Donna's statement.

Changeling's sexual deviancies are even more disturbing:

Wow.

Titans Tower sees more action than the Playboy Mansion.