High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Strangest Clock in the Universe, By Johnathan

Oh, man. No preamble today - we're just hopping right in. Presenting The Strangest Clock in the Universe:

Strange in that it assumes that there is only one time zone on each planet, that is. I mean, sure it's convenient, but what about all of those poor folk in Japan or wherever who are stumbling around in the dark while it's 1:26 TE (Time on Earth)? I bet that they wish that they were allowed to see the sun once in a while, but really: who ever heard of people sleeping during the afternoon and working in the wee hours of the morning? Not the Science Police, baby. They really crack down on those sort of shenanigans, from their well-lit home base in New Metropolis.

Also, there only seem to be mini-clocks for planets with divisible-by-twelve-hour days, which would explain why I've never heard of any of these places. The Legion never go to any of them because they're just six boring lumps of rock with appropriate rotations. Zanno, for instance, is three feet in diameter and orbits the fourth smallest star in the galaxy.

Seriously, though. This clock could be so cool. It could be a holographic cloud that reassembles itself into different timepieces from across the galaxy or a mass of moving parts that becomes itself into a working representation of different star systems or a Massive, Multi-sided Orange/Red Polygonal Gadget (MMORPG) with a different clock face on each facet. This... thing is possibly the Lamest Clock in the Universe.

Strangest Clock in the Universe? You're NOT APPROVED.

In the same issue (Adventure Comics No. 312) appeared the Mechanical Librarian:

The Mechanical Librarian seems to do a decent enough job but I'm gonna have to come out as against it. A major part of going to the library, Legionnaires, is meeting hot librarians and developing crushes on them. Duh.

NOT APPROVED

[Followup: I was pretty happy with this post at one point but looking at it now I think it kind of blows. What can I say: I didn't get enough sleep last week (c'mon, buy it, buy it) and I think it affected my ability to communicate thoughts in a rational manner. Or I just suck, whichever. Anyway, sorry. This post is NOT APPROVED]

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: Review of Infectious Lass, By Johnathan

Holy crap - this is my one hundredth post. Well, I guess technically Paul wrote some of those one hundred, but I'm claiming the milestone since he's not paying attention. I tried to think up a thematically appropriate review - something like 'Review of One Hundred Corrupt Cops From Gotham City' or 'Review of Lois Lane's One Hundred Best Falls From Skyscrapers' - but I wasn't quite committed enough. Maybe I'll be ready by post number 500. Instead, I'll be writing about Infectious Lass, because her painful rejection by the Legion of Super-Heroes is the whole reason for this series of reviews and I just never got around to her. Sad, sad thing. Well: no more tears, it's time for a review!

Infectious Lass made her first appearance in Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes No. 201. Right from the get-go she was a-friggin'-dorable. Let's watch:

See? Isn't she cute? That's her with Porcupine Pete and Molecular Master, two fine Legion rejects and future reviews in their own right. Take a moment here to take in Infectious Lass' enthusiasm and optimism. Boy, she really wants this Legion thing.

Now, on to the tryout:

Before we get all caught up in the drama of the demonstrations and the voting and so on, I think there's just enough time for a look at Infectious Lass' costume. Hmm. Definitely the best costume that a Legion applicant has ever worn - take that, Storm Boy. Heck, seeing as how it debuted in the Seventies, this is probably the best female costume in the whole building at the time. I mean, look at it: it's got an insane and stylin' pattern, an incredible collar that possibly can be hurled like a batarang and a matching mucus theme on her mask and cape (if you can't get a good look at the mask, it looks like she got hit in the face with a ball of Ghostbusters-brand slime). I must say, the mucus cape shows real devotion to a theme. It's possibly my favourite hero accessory of all time. Screw bat-cloaks and Spidey-mobiles and those little wings on the sides of the Flash's head - a cape that looks like it's made of snot, that's where it's at.

So: back to the action (look at the mucus! Awesome!). Star Boy has unwisely volunteered his services as guinea pig and pays the price. Can't blame him though - Infectious Lass is completely hot, in a two-dimensional, alien sort of way. Were I a futureman I would be all over that.

Now, by my reckoning Infectious Lass is doing great. She took out Star Boy in no time! Man, she could probably lay out the Fatal Five with head colds with her hands tied behind her back! And taking out a Legionnaire is a traditional way of impressing the judges, right? I mean, Karate Kid got in by beating Superboy down, so there's precedent, right?

Apparently you have to be, like, super confident and brag about it first for that to work. By saying that she's sorry, Infectious Lass reveals too much weakness and the feral teen clique that is the Legion snarls and boots her out on her shapely rear.

This is actually the panel that inspired the whole 'Super-Human Detritus' thing. It's a perfect example of what is entertaining and tragicomic about the whole Legion tryout phenomenon. Poor Infectious Lass - a distinctive, interesting character who was made up specifically so that she could fail to get into the Legion - stands there, meekly apologizing, while over her looms Superboy - possibly the most influential super-hero in history and someone Infectious Lass has looked up to her whole life - bellowing "REJECTED!" and chastising her for doing a good job. I mean, I guess it's a realistic way for a bunch of incredibly powerful teenagers to act, but still.

Lucky for us: Infectious Lass isn't one to give up easily and so shows up again in Superboy No. 218.

Here she comes with Absorbency Boy and Quake Kid, two more rejectees. Now, even I must admit that the Legion were probably right in rejecting her this time - she needs more control of her powers, not greater potency. I would have dearly loved to see a panel of her demonstrating her Epidemic Power, though. The whole Legion stricken with pinkeye or mono would really be something to see.

Quake Kid, I've got to say, really knows how to make the most of a bad situation. Sure, he didn't get in to the Legion and sure Dream Girl screeched "REJECTED!" at him as soon as he entered the room, but at least he gets a chance to tap some fine alien ass. I'm guessing that STDs have been wiped out by the 2970s, as a name like Infectious Lass would otherwise cause at least a moment of hesitation in even the most Tony Stark-esque of Lotharios(I hope. Otherwise Quake Kid is likely swarming with space-syphilis or Saturnian Gonorrhea). Infectious Lass had better realize what this guy is up to - he's blatant enough that the artist didn't even have to draw the pup tent in his spandex for me to know that it was there.

Aw geez. See what I mean about control, Infectious Lass? Now you're not going to get "commiserated" and since you can't commiserate with yourself you're going to have to find another euphemism for what you do when you get home. Tough luck. (This, by the way, is Quake Kid's only appearance. Since we don't actually learn anything else about him I'll judge by his taste in women and pronounce him JOHN APPROVED)

Infectious Lass eventually joins the Legion of Substitute Heroes, which is really a much better place for someone who is naive and nice - Subbies can just be themselves, especially if it generates laffs:

So that's that: Infectious Lass. Pretty and oh so rejected, with a great costume and a pretty good power. I'm going to leave you with this exchange between her and the ever-popular Ambush Bug:

JOHN APPROVED

Future Zoo: Review of the Parakat, By Johnathan

As I mentioned in the previous post, Superboy was hitting on a sweet piece of Xanthu named Zynthia in order to make Lana jealous as a lesson to her for trying to make him jealous. Meanwhile, Jughead was judging a hamburger-eating contest at Pop's Chok'lit Shoppe but was having a hard time paying attention to the contestants and not the food.

The writers of this comic have made an assumption that the one thing that teenage girls want is for their beaus to give them things, and especially things that require the use of superpowers. This may be true, which would explain my dating track record in high school. In any case, the girls keep asking Superboy and Star Boy to do things like making huge gemstones or glowing dresses. This is cool, but then Zynthia pulls out this request:

Dude! What? You want a tiger? Why the hell do you want a tiger? Is it just as proof that Superboy likes you enough to do things for you, like the time a girl got me to eat a worm? Because there are things that you can get him to do that won't screw up a tiger's life. You could get him to, say, eat a worm. C'mon, it'll be hilarious!

Since Zynthia isn't as cool as me (or that girl I mentioned), Superboy goes after the tiger. And then we learn why it's called a Parakat:

It's a terrible pun! Xanthu was settled by punsters! Or perhaps just punster zoologists. Stopping only to diss the poor creature a little, Superboy leaps into action!

Y'know, someday someone's going to try this in a Vertigo comic and there's going to be all kinds of severed tiger tail action. Seriously: I don't think that most animal tails are built to withstand that kind of stress. Okay, maybe monkey tails, but they're prehensile. This poor critter's going to need some sort of therapy after all of this is done. Hopefully it doesn't need the tail for balance or anything.

Stunning revelation! The beast is sentient!It totally formed a sentence all on its own! Seriously, if it just mimicked human speech like Superboy assumes, wouldn't it be saying something like "Argh! It got my leg! My god, the pecking! Sweet moons of Xanthu, it's mimicking human speech while it eviscerates Larry!" and so forth? I mean, when does a bird-faced tiger hear the word 'dizzy'? Stupid anthropocentric speciesist Superboy doesn't see things that way, though, and promptly enslaves what is clearly an oppressed species to begin with (you can be damn sure that they didn't think up the name 'Parakat', for one thing).

And so the noble Parakat, feared throughout the Jungle Mountains of Xanthu, is reduced by an uncaring Superboy to the status of greeting card. The poor beast, a great leader among his people, was later slaughtered in order that Zynthia might have a Parakat-skin bikini and seat-covers for her Sky Canoe. Plus her father used the skull for an ashtray. Parakat-skin clothing soon became the height of fashion, resulting in rampant poaching. Today (well, a thousand years from today) there are less that 47 Parakats remaining in the wild. Thanks, Superboy.

The Parakat is JOHN APPROVED. Zynthia? NOT APPROVED.

High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Super-Loom, By Johnathan

Time for more fantastic technology of the future! Today we turn to Adventure Comics No. 282, wherein Star Boy makes his first appearance. He's on Earth to track down an escaped criminal, and he needs Superboy's help! Exciting stuff, yes? Not as exciting as the real plot! See, Lana Lang manages to overhear Star Boy tell Superboy his secret identity, and blackmails him into taking her to his future-world of Xanthu, there to fawn over her and make Superboy jealous. Let no-one say that Lana Lang is not ambitious. Let's see Archie Andrews go to such lengths for a hot date. In fact, I dare him to.

Anyway, as a part of this jealousy-inspiration plot, Star Boy is supposed to shower Lana with gifts, the more fantastic the better. He gets her fantastic gems, show her a good time and show off his mastery of the Super-Loom.

Now, I'm not quite sure what makes this particular loom super. Is it really fast? Is there a computer inside? Is it super like the Atom is super, in that it's smaller than a regular loom (and presumably weighs the same)? Heck is it just super because it's being operated by a super-hero? If a PhD used it, would it be a doctor-loom? Could my grandfather weave me something on a grandpa-loom (or a septuageni-loom)? I certainly hope so. Basically, though, the Super-Loom is only remarkable for its name. Oh, and for this:

Star Boy puts it away afterward! Honestly, that's possibly the only time that I've ever seen someone put something away in a comic book. Everyone's like me, age 8 - just leave it where it is when you're done. Star Boy's so conscientious.

JOHN APPROVED

By the way, Superboy figured out Lana's plan right away (like he always did) and so not only didn't get jealous but turned things around by hitting on this chick named Zynthia and making Lana feel the sting of a great big backfire. What's notable for the purposes of this review, though, is Zynthia's prime mode of transportation:

The mighty Sky Canoe! Second-most popular form of transportation on Xanthu, behind the Sea Car but far, far ahead of the Land Helicopter! Fly through the air in a notoriously tippy vehicle, without seat belts! Know the joy of controlling your fate and course with a piece of bent pipe! Spew pollution like it was going out of style! The Sky Canoe - from the makers of Space Skateboard.

NOT APPROVED

High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Yes/No Desk, By Johnathan

Here we go with the first installment of that other series of reviews that I was talking about, featuring the astounding gadgetry of the far-off days of the Thirtieth Century! Thrill to the high-tech world of tomorrow, as envisioned by the people of yesterday! This is going to be such fun!

As with Future Zoo, I'm going to start off this series at the very beginning: Adventure Comics No. 247, the very first appearance of the Legion. Surprisingly, there's not too much in terms of really noteworthy technojunk in this issue. Oh sure, there are rocket cars and spherical zoos and ice cream shops featuring 'Nine Delicious Flavors From Nine Planets', but the only thing that really stood out in my mind was on the cover:

I don't know about you, but I love the Yes/No Desk. It's so decisive. I mean, talk about an efficient way to deliver bad news to someone, plus it's very much in tune with the Legion's policy of rejecting applicants in the most direct and spirit-crushing way possible. Look at poor Superboy - he's flabbergasted! I just hope that the "NO" button makes some sort of sprightly dinging noise when pressed, so that the moment is tied to as many senses in the memory as possible.

I'm very fond of visions of the future that basically predict extreme laziness, where labour-saving devices have become efficient enough that people are, say, pushing a button instead of raising their hand or saying "aye." By 1950s sci-fi logic, Earth of 2958 is about two generations away from becoming brains in jars.

Saturn Girl, by the way, is wearing possibly her best-ever costume in this picture. Too bad she never, ever wore it again.

The Yes/No Desk was such a good idea that the Legion of Super-Villains ripped it off as the Life/Death Desk in Superman No. 147:

It's still pretty lazy, but the Life/Death Desk just doesn't sing to me like the Yes/No model. I think it's because Life and Death are a lot harder to convey that Yes and No. I mean, the Legionnaires could have shaken their heads or given Superboy a thumbs-down - there are dozens of really easy ways to say no to someone. As in most things, the Super-Heroes trump the Super-Villains when it comes to commitment to inaction.

JOHN APPROVED

Future Zoo: Review of the Invisible Eagle, By Johnathan

Man, I love thinking up new things to review. Since I just kicked off the 'First Impressions' series I might as well start this one, too. 'Future Zoo' is going to feature the wild and wacky creatures of the Thirtieth Century. Since most of the beasts so featured only appear for a couple of panels the review will be short, which will make for a nice break. Plus, as if that wasn't enough, I'll be starting another series of wee reviews featuring the astounding technology of the future as well. It'll be astonishing!

Okay, so we're kicking things off with the Neptunian Invisible Eagle, from Adventure Comics No. 247, the very first appearance of the Legion of Super-Heroes. Superboy's on his way to save a rocket ship that's sprung a leak as a part of his initiation when he hears some exposition:

I guess that finding the eagle is slightly more urgent than a rocket running out of fuel, but seriously: if the vehicles of the future can't stand up to a collision with one bird then standards have gone way down hill. Where is the chicken-cannon of yesterday, ye mighty men of the future? Your hubris shall be your downfall when next the ducks do migrate.

Anyway, why the hell is this invisible thing in a zoo? That's just stupid - you could probably fit like four regular eagles in its cage, and being visible, they're way more interesting.

That's not a bad plan, Superboy! You probably could have done it with your ice breath but, you know, full marks for effort. As for you, Invisible Eagle:

NOT APPROVED.

The issue also featured some Generic Sea Monster action, notable mainly as an illustration of the fact that Saturn Girl's powerful telepathic was originally used mostly to control various monsters:

As far as sea monsters go, this one's pretty cute.

And helpful! Sea monster, you're JOHN APPROVED.