Future Zoo: Review of the Kangobronc, By Johnathan

Adventure Comics No. 323! An issue in which Proty II, of the Legion of Super-Pets, issues a challenge/riddle to The Legion of Super-Heroes. Whoever came up with the correct answer to this riddle would get to be the new leader of the Legion, because solving obtuse puzzles posed by protoplasmic entities is the real test of one's leadership abilities. A part of this whole Proty-question thing was him sending various Legionnaires on weird little missions all over the galaxy and claiming that they would find clues to the puzzle while doing so. Personally, I think that the whole thing was just a big power trip on Proty's behalf - I can practically (er... telepathically) hear him screaming "Dance for me, my doltish superteens! DANCE!"

As a part of this bizarre little exercise, Proty sends Saturn Girl to the Space Rodeo (or something like that) with orders that she win the toughest event. Turns out, that event is fairly awesome:

Racing winged kangaroos that are so mean that you need to put mind-control helmets on them to keep them from doing battle? That's pretty cool, in a ridiculous kind of way. As is the concept of launching a model rocket to start a race. Plus, the alien announcer's tiny bullhorn and target-shaped yarmulke. Good lord! I ironically appreciate this panel so much that I believe I may be getting the vapours. Mercy.

Phew. Well, now that I've recovered from that particular fainting spell (durned corset), back to the comic-blogging! Saturn Girl figures that she can just mentally order the kangobronc (for that is its name) to do her bidding but the no-fight helmet interferes. Cripes - that thing has a really short wingspan doesn't it? Maybe it's full of helium or something, to compensate.

Saturn Girl comes out on top, though, using the awesome power of sex! Which is actually kind of clever, though she is going to have a tricky time getting off of he trusty kangobronc. I mean, it's still wearing the mind-control helmet, right? So there's no way that it can be dissuaded from doing the nasty with Mrs. Kangobronc as soon as they stop. I guess they are at a rodeo, though. Maybe Saturn Girl can get a few extra points if she can stay in the saddle during the hot kangobronc-on-kangobronc action that is shortly to ensue.

Anyway, the kangobronc looks completely ridiculous, but I love its name, so:

JOHN APPROVED.

There's one more Future Zoo-centric event at the Intergalactic Rodeo: The Dinosaur-Throwing Contest! Manly men from across time and space come together with one goal: to stun a dinosaur with their paralysis gloves and then heave it through a hoop.

Man... I don't remember there being dinosaurs like that. I'm pretty sure that if Earth had a creature with a naturally-evolved buzz saw attached to its head there would have been a cheesy horror movie made about it by now.

Dinosaur basketball is a pretty good sport. Plus, these guys are tough. They brave whirling buzzsaw disfigurement and then throw something the size of a medium-large dog (and the buzz-saw's still going). I bet that they get all the hot alien honies.

I'm pretty sure that this is the most manly thing that you'll see today:

The dinosaurs themselves? A bit silly, I must admit. Silly or not, though, they've got buzz-saws on their heads. They'll mess you up, meng.

JOHN APPROVED.

First Impressions: Review of The Bat-Man, By Johnathan

Whew! I've been slogging through these old Detective Comics issues for a while now, just to get to this point. Not that there isn't a lot of fun in the things - Siegel and Shuster's 'Spy' feature was always pretty fun, for example - but into every 68-page anthology comic a little crappy storytelling must fall and I've read all of it. Curse you, Cosmo, Phantom of Disguise! Curse you, half the adventures of Bruce Nelson! No matter, though: I have reached No. 27 and so from now on shall have :

Oh, man. I'm going to be looking forward to the Bat-Man story in every issue. This was a great little yarn, which is both unsurprising and a bit of a relief. I mean, it makes sense that the first appearance of a character as enduring as Batman is good - otherwise why would he have been invited back the next month - but there's always that little twinge of fear when reading something like this. What if Batman's first appearance was terrible? Am I a fool for liking him? What does this say about my Batman-themed wedding? Lucky for me (and the future Mrs. Review [Ladies? Call me.]) all is well with the bat-past - this is a great comic.

Since several different parts of the bat-mythos (not, however, including the practice of sticking the 'bat' prefix onto things) made their debuts in this adventure I'll be dealing with them separately.

Commissioner Gordon:

This is the Gordon that you see in comics all the way through the Golden and Silver Ages: round glasses, pencil-thin mustache, slicked back hair and some moderate jowliness. In my head I uncharitably refer to him as "Fat Gordon". Fat Gordon might not look as cool or as tough as the current version, but check out his mad police skills:

"They say you killed your father!" That's Bad Cop.

And up there? That's Good Cop. Gordon's a whole damn team of detectives all on his lonesome. I'll bet that after this he started lifting fingerprints off of things before taking a quick jog downtown to stop a riot. Fat Gordon's got the goods, even if he looks a little bloated.

JOHN APPROVED.

Ah, but check this out:

First appearance of the Bat-man! I must say, I like the flared out cape, even though it must give him some trouble in doorways. This is definitely the only version of Batman that looks good with the cape thrown forward over his shoulders like that. Usually it looks really affected and weird - like Batman is getting too into being cape-dramatic and is maybe thinking about going to a Ren Faire or a LARP party, somewhere where they really appreciate all the interesting and visually appealing things that you can do with a cape - but flared out like that it looks pretty fantastic. Note that Bat-Man has scared the crap out of someone in his very first on-panel appearance.

He kicks a fair amount of ass, too.

I love how many aspects of the Batman we all know and lovingly fear show up in this comic. It's not that surprising, in that Detective was essentially about guys solving mysteries and socking bad guys, but it's nice that Batman didn't start out dressed all in green or as some sort of laughing Shadow knock-off. I don't know if beating up some guys and taking a piece of paper off of them qualifies him for the title of World's Greatest Detective just yet but every little bit counts, you know?

Fantastic death traps weren't uncommon at the time but rarely were they foiled with such speed and competence. Bat-Man just schools this thing. Note that he doesn't narrate what he's doing either. This is the quiet version of our old pal. Lord. I'm just gushing now.

Ah, there's the detecting. Bat-Man finally opens his mouth and solves the whole mystery. So: we've got the detectin' the fightin' and the scarin'. Sounds like a Batman to me, Larry.

And then there's this:

Early Batman's a bit more cavalier about human life than the present-day chap. To be fair, the guy was an asshole. I'm not entirely sure how long it takes before the official bat-position is that All Life Is Sacred but I'm glad of it. As interesting as it is to see the Dark Knight off bad guys without compunction, imagine what kind of horror that Batman would have become during the Nineties. Brrr.

As a final touch: the first time that Batman pulled the old "take off in the middle of a conversation" trick. A classic.

Aside from his purple gloves, this version of Bat-Man is

JOHN APPROVED.

The Batmobile:

Well, not really. Bat-Man does drive a car in this issue, though. Here are its two panels of glory:

Bright red, without even the bat head on the hood? Not cool. Even less cool? matching the interior of your car to your awful purple gloves.

NOT APPROVED.

Bruce Wayne:

Bruce shows up as a guy who's just idly visiting the Commissioner of Police and tags along with him to a crime scene. For the first half of the story he's just peeking over Gordon's shoulder as he interviews witnesses and looks at evidence and so forth. He also looks rather dashing with a pipe:


I don't much care for the checked suit but I'm pretty sure that it was the height of fashion in its day, so I'll let that pass. One terrific thing about this Bruce Wayne is that he started off not as a shallow party animal but as a guy who is constantly bored, like he's partied so much that even a murder investigation doesn't interest him in the least.

See? He couldn't care less about some tawdry murder but at least it beats deflowering Gotham's latest crop of debutantes or whatever else he had penciled in for that afternoon.

When Bruce Wayne says "Ho-hum", he means it.

I am left wondering, though. Why do these two hang out so much? Does the Commissioner actually like hanging out with this yawning pretty-boy? Maybe Gordon's just looking out for his future - sooner or later there's going to be an overdosed cheerleader or five to quietly dispose of and the day after that Gotham's going to have to find a new Commissioner of Police.

SEVENTY-YEAR-OLD SPOILER WARNING!

Bruce Wayne ended up being JOHN APPROVED. Do you want to know why?

Turns out he's the goddamned Bat-Man! Man, was I surprised.

Future Zoo: Review of the Taroc Creature, By Johnathan

From the same issue that brought you the Strangest Clock in the Universe, the Taroc Creature!
A wee bit of setup: a few issues back Lightning Lad had sacrificed his life to prevent Saturn Girl from sacrificing her life to keep someone from dying. I know, I know, sorry. It's much more clear in the comic book. Prophecy is involved, which always muddies the plot-waters. What's important is that Lightning Lad dies and, like, two pages later they're wondering if there might be some way to bring him back. In Adventure Comics No. 312 they really get to work on that problem and scour the galaxy for possible ways to sin against nature and take the very powers of God into their sweaty teenage hands - something they never seemed to get around to doing for Ferro Lad. Or Invisible Kid. Or 1/3 of Triplicate Girl, Sun Boy, Karate Kid or 1/2 of Duo Damsel. Man, the Legion really blew its altruism wad (so to speak) on this resurrection.

As a part of the whole "tamper with forces heretofore reserved to the Almighty because we miss our electricity-spewing friend" plan the Legion look up any and all references to resurrection in their Mechanical Librarian and then go on a gigantic cosmic scavenger hunt to round up all possible ways that they could create a blasphemous, soulless parody of their friend. Among the leads that are followed up on is the mysterious Taroc creature. Let's watch:

The Taroc is known for dying and then somehow coming back to life again and so Saturn Girl and Mon-el take a trip to their very yellow planet, in hopes of... uh... I'm actually not sure what they're hoping for. I mean, unless the things come back to life by means of a magical sprite who roams their planet dispensing miracles of rebirth. Possibly they hope to use advanced future science to infuse his corpse with Taroc genes? That would work, right? Anyway, it would work on Star Trek - you'd just have to run him through the transporter a few times afterward.

As far as alien monsters go, the Taroc creature's fairly boss. The 'fat pteranodon' body and snake head are solid creature fare and I appreciate how the ones that are at rest have adopted the vulture pose as their own. What reall sells me on these things, though, is the purple hands that they have at the ends of their wings. Since they're obviously useless while the Taroc is in flight, my imagination tells me that the creatures use these hands to play cards. In fact, Taroc society's basic unit is the bridge group, and the outcomes of trials are decided by playing a form of poker known as 'Bgtzl Hold 'em'.

Not sure what happened to Mon-el's face but it sure is creepy. Also: haven't there been Taroc creatures on every bit of high land pictured so far? why did he leave Saturn Girl on that peak? Is it because he has no eyes?

"It seemed to die a natural death, of old age... but really I fried it's brain with heat vision. Clever, huh?"

You know, I'm kind of sad that they didn't try this method of reviving Lightning Lad. Seeing a tiny red-haired dynamo burst out of their dead friend's back would have been just the thing to help the Legionnaires shake off the blues.

Even if I wasn't incredibly fond of the Taroc creature's hands and love for Eucre, its disgusting method of reproduction (plus the fact that it seems to be made of papier mache) rate a solid

JOHN APPROVED.

Bonus:

Space Serpents! I can't remember (nor do I care to check) why the Legionnaires needed to go to the Great Interplanetary Post Office on their search for a way to turn their dead friend into a mockery of human form and feeling, but when they do they see that it's being attacked by "Space Serpents, able to live in space and to eat metal and stone! They must be from another universe!"

Great Jumping Suns indeed, Lightning Lass. I do have to say, though, that that's a pretty good guess. I mean, you took a pretty bare set of facts and extrapolated the fact that these generic dragony things were from another universe? Phew. I gotta say, you're a better guesser than me. I think that you're almost as good as Superboy:

You superpeople and your Occam's Razor. I'll never know how you do it.

Anyway, Space Serpents, being from space, have never encountered anything like Sun Boy before. Because space is cold and dark - there is no sunlight. Sunlight is on planets, not space. Space is cold and the sun is warm.

The completely generic dragon-monsters get driven off in a pretty hokey way, but there's still one left and it's in a room with some guys. Since flinging bolts of lightning around willy-nilly might hurt the guys an alternate plan is thought up:

The Space Serpent is fooled by Proty. Oh, god. these things are so boring. I can't even be scathing. They're just dragons that eat post offices ("They must be from a universe of rabid letter-writers, Sun Boy!") and they're dumb. Yawn and yawn.

NOT APPROVED.

High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Strangest Clock in the Universe, By Johnathan

Oh, man. No preamble today - we're just hopping right in. Presenting The Strangest Clock in the Universe:

Strange in that it assumes that there is only one time zone on each planet, that is. I mean, sure it's convenient, but what about all of those poor folk in Japan or wherever who are stumbling around in the dark while it's 1:26 TE (Time on Earth)? I bet that they wish that they were allowed to see the sun once in a while, but really: who ever heard of people sleeping during the afternoon and working in the wee hours of the morning? Not the Science Police, baby. They really crack down on those sort of shenanigans, from their well-lit home base in New Metropolis.

Also, there only seem to be mini-clocks for planets with divisible-by-twelve-hour days, which would explain why I've never heard of any of these places. The Legion never go to any of them because they're just six boring lumps of rock with appropriate rotations. Zanno, for instance, is three feet in diameter and orbits the fourth smallest star in the galaxy.

Seriously, though. This clock could be so cool. It could be a holographic cloud that reassembles itself into different timepieces from across the galaxy or a mass of moving parts that becomes itself into a working representation of different star systems or a Massive, Multi-sided Orange/Red Polygonal Gadget (MMORPG) with a different clock face on each facet. This... thing is possibly the Lamest Clock in the Universe.

Strangest Clock in the Universe? You're NOT APPROVED.

In the same issue (Adventure Comics No. 312) appeared the Mechanical Librarian:

The Mechanical Librarian seems to do a decent enough job but I'm gonna have to come out as against it. A major part of going to the library, Legionnaires, is meeting hot librarians and developing crushes on them. Duh.

NOT APPROVED

[Followup: I was pretty happy with this post at one point but looking at it now I think it kind of blows. What can I say: I didn't get enough sleep last week (c'mon, buy it, buy it) and I think it affected my ability to communicate thoughts in a rational manner. Or I just suck, whichever. Anyway, sorry. This post is NOT APPROVED]

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: Review of Infectious Lass, By Johnathan

Holy crap - this is my one hundredth post. Well, I guess technically Paul wrote some of those one hundred, but I'm claiming the milestone since he's not paying attention. I tried to think up a thematically appropriate review - something like 'Review of One Hundred Corrupt Cops From Gotham City' or 'Review of Lois Lane's One Hundred Best Falls From Skyscrapers' - but I wasn't quite committed enough. Maybe I'll be ready by post number 500. Instead, I'll be writing about Infectious Lass, because her painful rejection by the Legion of Super-Heroes is the whole reason for this series of reviews and I just never got around to her. Sad, sad thing. Well: no more tears, it's time for a review!

Infectious Lass made her first appearance in Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes No. 201. Right from the get-go she was a-friggin'-dorable. Let's watch:

See? Isn't she cute? That's her with Porcupine Pete and Molecular Master, two fine Legion rejects and future reviews in their own right. Take a moment here to take in Infectious Lass' enthusiasm and optimism. Boy, she really wants this Legion thing.

Now, on to the tryout:

Before we get all caught up in the drama of the demonstrations and the voting and so on, I think there's just enough time for a look at Infectious Lass' costume. Hmm. Definitely the best costume that a Legion applicant has ever worn - take that, Storm Boy. Heck, seeing as how it debuted in the Seventies, this is probably the best female costume in the whole building at the time. I mean, look at it: it's got an insane and stylin' pattern, an incredible collar that possibly can be hurled like a batarang and a matching mucus theme on her mask and cape (if you can't get a good look at the mask, it looks like she got hit in the face with a ball of Ghostbusters-brand slime). I must say, the mucus cape shows real devotion to a theme. It's possibly my favourite hero accessory of all time. Screw bat-cloaks and Spidey-mobiles and those little wings on the sides of the Flash's head - a cape that looks like it's made of snot, that's where it's at.

So: back to the action (look at the mucus! Awesome!). Star Boy has unwisely volunteered his services as guinea pig and pays the price. Can't blame him though - Infectious Lass is completely hot, in a two-dimensional, alien sort of way. Were I a futureman I would be all over that.

Now, by my reckoning Infectious Lass is doing great. She took out Star Boy in no time! Man, she could probably lay out the Fatal Five with head colds with her hands tied behind her back! And taking out a Legionnaire is a traditional way of impressing the judges, right? I mean, Karate Kid got in by beating Superboy down, so there's precedent, right?

Apparently you have to be, like, super confident and brag about it first for that to work. By saying that she's sorry, Infectious Lass reveals too much weakness and the feral teen clique that is the Legion snarls and boots her out on her shapely rear.

This is actually the panel that inspired the whole 'Super-Human Detritus' thing. It's a perfect example of what is entertaining and tragicomic about the whole Legion tryout phenomenon. Poor Infectious Lass - a distinctive, interesting character who was made up specifically so that she could fail to get into the Legion - stands there, meekly apologizing, while over her looms Superboy - possibly the most influential super-hero in history and someone Infectious Lass has looked up to her whole life - bellowing "REJECTED!" and chastising her for doing a good job. I mean, I guess it's a realistic way for a bunch of incredibly powerful teenagers to act, but still.

Lucky for us: Infectious Lass isn't one to give up easily and so shows up again in Superboy No. 218.

Here she comes with Absorbency Boy and Quake Kid, two more rejectees. Now, even I must admit that the Legion were probably right in rejecting her this time - she needs more control of her powers, not greater potency. I would have dearly loved to see a panel of her demonstrating her Epidemic Power, though. The whole Legion stricken with pinkeye or mono would really be something to see.

Quake Kid, I've got to say, really knows how to make the most of a bad situation. Sure, he didn't get in to the Legion and sure Dream Girl screeched "REJECTED!" at him as soon as he entered the room, but at least he gets a chance to tap some fine alien ass. I'm guessing that STDs have been wiped out by the 2970s, as a name like Infectious Lass would otherwise cause at least a moment of hesitation in even the most Tony Stark-esque of Lotharios(I hope. Otherwise Quake Kid is likely swarming with space-syphilis or Saturnian Gonorrhea). Infectious Lass had better realize what this guy is up to - he's blatant enough that the artist didn't even have to draw the pup tent in his spandex for me to know that it was there.

Aw geez. See what I mean about control, Infectious Lass? Now you're not going to get "commiserated" and since you can't commiserate with yourself you're going to have to find another euphemism for what you do when you get home. Tough luck. (This, by the way, is Quake Kid's only appearance. Since we don't actually learn anything else about him I'll judge by his taste in women and pronounce him JOHN APPROVED)

Infectious Lass eventually joins the Legion of Substitute Heroes, which is really a much better place for someone who is naive and nice - Subbies can just be themselves, especially if it generates laffs:

So that's that: Infectious Lass. Pretty and oh so rejected, with a great costume and a pretty good power. I'm going to leave you with this exchange between her and the ever-popular Ambush Bug:

JOHN APPROVED

Future Zoo: Review of the Parakat, By Johnathan

As I mentioned in the previous post, Superboy was hitting on a sweet piece of Xanthu named Zynthia in order to make Lana jealous as a lesson to her for trying to make him jealous. Meanwhile, Jughead was judging a hamburger-eating contest at Pop's Chok'lit Shoppe but was having a hard time paying attention to the contestants and not the food.

The writers of this comic have made an assumption that the one thing that teenage girls want is for their beaus to give them things, and especially things that require the use of superpowers. This may be true, which would explain my dating track record in high school. In any case, the girls keep asking Superboy and Star Boy to do things like making huge gemstones or glowing dresses. This is cool, but then Zynthia pulls out this request:

Dude! What? You want a tiger? Why the hell do you want a tiger? Is it just as proof that Superboy likes you enough to do things for you, like the time a girl got me to eat a worm? Because there are things that you can get him to do that won't screw up a tiger's life. You could get him to, say, eat a worm. C'mon, it'll be hilarious!

Since Zynthia isn't as cool as me (or that girl I mentioned), Superboy goes after the tiger. And then we learn why it's called a Parakat:

It's a terrible pun! Xanthu was settled by punsters! Or perhaps just punster zoologists. Stopping only to diss the poor creature a little, Superboy leaps into action!

Y'know, someday someone's going to try this in a Vertigo comic and there's going to be all kinds of severed tiger tail action. Seriously: I don't think that most animal tails are built to withstand that kind of stress. Okay, maybe monkey tails, but they're prehensile. This poor critter's going to need some sort of therapy after all of this is done. Hopefully it doesn't need the tail for balance or anything.

Stunning revelation! The beast is sentient!It totally formed a sentence all on its own! Seriously, if it just mimicked human speech like Superboy assumes, wouldn't it be saying something like "Argh! It got my leg! My god, the pecking! Sweet moons of Xanthu, it's mimicking human speech while it eviscerates Larry!" and so forth? I mean, when does a bird-faced tiger hear the word 'dizzy'? Stupid anthropocentric speciesist Superboy doesn't see things that way, though, and promptly enslaves what is clearly an oppressed species to begin with (you can be damn sure that they didn't think up the name 'Parakat', for one thing).

And so the noble Parakat, feared throughout the Jungle Mountains of Xanthu, is reduced by an uncaring Superboy to the status of greeting card. The poor beast, a great leader among his people, was later slaughtered in order that Zynthia might have a Parakat-skin bikini and seat-covers for her Sky Canoe. Plus her father used the skull for an ashtray. Parakat-skin clothing soon became the height of fashion, resulting in rampant poaching. Today (well, a thousand years from today) there are less that 47 Parakats remaining in the wild. Thanks, Superboy.

The Parakat is JOHN APPROVED. Zynthia? NOT APPROVED.