This Week's Haul...At The End of a Long Haul.

I'm back!

I have five weeks of comics to catch up on, so this week's reviews are a little late. The stack of comics from the past month or so is daunting, but I am up to the challenge. I pledge here, today, that I will read every single one of those comics. Because I am a trooper. A rugged, fearless trooper.

I also have five weeks of comic book news and rumours to catch up on. (Final Crisis? Yay?).

Ok, the best way to get these reviews done is to just dive in. Just like riding a bike. And so forth.

The Immortal Iron Fist #8

What is it about Iron Fist that is so appealing? Beyond the fact that it combines some of the best writing and art on the stands right now, this book is just so delightfully macho. And not macho in a babes and guns kind of way. Not even macho in a Green Arrow Year One kind of way. Macho in a way that the men are men, and the women are also men. And everyone is really good at fighting.

This is the first issue of a new story arc that I am saying right now is going to RULE. Look at how this issue ends:

I was enjoying reading this so much. I want to pick up a controller and play this comic book.

Green Arrow Year One #4

And speaking of macho, this mini-series continues to roll along on gritty, testosterone-filled tires. Still on the island, Ollie gets a very disgusting protruding arm bone set by a local enslaved pregnant lady/doctor. She gives him some opium for the pain, and next thing you know he's a total junkie. Suffice it to say, Green Arrow's rookie year was a tough one.

I should clarify: I am really enjoying this series. Based on this, Black Canary should totally marry the guy.

Birds of Prey #109

This week I am all about the segue.

Dinah and Babs have a heart-to-heart about Oliver, which mostly involves Babs telling Dinah why she should not marry him, while Dinah gets angrier and angrier. It ends nicely, though, with Dinah saying that if she decides to marry Ollie, she would like Babs to be her maid of honour. Well, duh. Who else is it going to be? Wildcat?

They really need to just have Dinah say yes and move on because there really isn't any suspense here. Especially with an ad for the upcoming wedding issue being inserted into this very comic.

The real joy of this issue came from the Barda plotline. First, Barda learning about Pokemon from Sin was fantastic:

And also, Scott Free on the phone with his wife as they discuss the current threat against the New Gods:

Oh, those two.

Tony Bedard does a great job with this issue. It was lots of fun.

Astonishing X-Men #22

As an aside, I recently started watching Buffy for the first time. I am now almost finished season 2, and damn. I can see why people like that show. So I can also see why people go batshit crazy for anything that Joss Whedon lays a pen to. Not that I wasn't already enjoying this series and his issues of Runaways.

This issue was every bit as beautiful, funny, and sexy as the others. And I thought this was a fun moment:

Lockheed's a mole!

This issue has a very sad ending.

Batman #668

So I've been hearing for the past few weeks from various comic fans that Batman #667 was the greatest thing, like, ever. I finally got to read 667 and 668 last night and daaaammmnnn. Oh, Mr Morrison. You just do what you do so well: Unearthing crazy obscure crap from the past and polishing it until it is absolutely brilliant!

As usual, it is easy to argue that Morrison is more interested in treasure hunting in the sliver age than in telling an accessible and entertaining story. BUT...this story is definitely entertaining, and with minimal research (a Wikipedia search for "Batmen of All Nations") it's also an accessible story. And even if you don't want to learn about the Batmen of All Nations, or The Club of Heroes as they have since been renamed, I think everyone can enjoy a good old-fashioned murder mystery where party guests on an island are being killed one by one. That's just something that never gets boring. And it allows Batman to do what he does best...figure things out!

And intimidate people:

Oh, Batman. Were I trapped on an island at a real-life Evening of Murder party, I would be very glad that you were there. Unless I were the killer. Which I very well could be.

You know who would be a surprising killer in this storyline? Robin. It's always who you least suspect.

Blue Beetle #18

I love this series so much, and this was even better than usual. The characters are so likable, and the dialogue is so damn funny. Now Jaime is hanging with the Titans and fighting Lobo, so the hilarity is flying!

I really liked all the arguing about sensible uniforms:

The Titans/Beetle have to take over a rocket launch, so Kid Devil gets sent in to clear the launch control centre of actual employees. The result is one of the funniest scenes I've seen in awhile:

Awesome.

And the last highlight I'd like to point out is this exchange between Jaime and Tim:

Jaime gets invited to hang out with the Titans whenever he likes. Yay! Tim can really use a new friend.

Superman #666

This must have been fun to write.

It's definitely a confusing story, but one that involves the Phantom Stranger, Zatanna, a demon from the extinguished Hell of Krypton and a Superman who is mad as hell and isn't going to take it anymore.

As best as I can understand it, Superman has had his soul split by the Phantom Stranger so he would be able to face the demon from Krypton without being corrupted. Basically, we get to see the douchebag half of Superman have a little field day in his dreamworld. Or something. I don't really know, but it's fun.

See Superman not care about people!

See Superman kill Lex Luthor...with his spit!

See Superman toss Lincoln out of his chair so he can use it as a throne:

See Superman hand Jimmy Olsen an ironic death:

Ouch!

Anyway, everything is back to normal in the end. But it was a fun ride. Fun and confusing.

The Spirit #9

I was able to meet J. Bone briefly at the Toronto Comic Arts Fair over the weekend, and say hi to Darwyn Cooke. Now I hear that they will both be done with The Spirit as of issue #12?! Noooo!

If you are going to leave a comic book, then you should at least have the common courtesy to make your last few issues really, really suck so it isn't so hard to take. Sadly, this issue totally rules, just like every other issue of The Spirit. God dammit.

Alright, that's all I have to say on this week's comics. I still have a lot of reading to do until I'm all caught up on everything. This time next week I'll be super informed!

Geeking Out: Review of Shadowpact, By Johnathan

Okay, I'm talking about a recent release again, because Shadowpact No. 16 was fantastic. *MINOR SPOILERS* The issue begins as a volcano is set off in the heart of Chicago by the evil Dr. Gotham, and let me tell you, I was biting my nails at the end of issue 15. The writing on this series has been top-notch for the entire run thusfar - lots of great suspense, fun action and believable banter. Most importantly, the Shadowpact are a great team! Nightmaster is an effective leader without being horrible and totalitarian, the characters work together, they have personalities without bickering constantly... it's such a refreshing read. Now, before you say anything, I know that I just described a couple of incarnations of the Justice League but the difference lies in the respective power levels of the two teams. Whereas the JLA can pretty much throw Superman's strength or Batman's brain or Green Lantern's ring at a problem and have a pretty good chance of success, the Shadowpact just aren't able to do that. Instead, they have plans and tactics and work together and crazy stuff like that. For instance (it's not a spoiler if it's on the cover) once the volcano starts up basically the first thing that they do is call in the Justice League. You're so smart, Jim Rook! Plus, they operate out of an interdimensional bar and the art looks real purty.

JOHN APPROVED

Future Zoo: Review of the Kangobronc, By Johnathan

Adventure Comics No. 323! An issue in which Proty II, of the Legion of Super-Pets, issues a challenge/riddle to The Legion of Super-Heroes. Whoever came up with the correct answer to this riddle would get to be the new leader of the Legion, because solving obtuse puzzles posed by protoplasmic entities is the real test of one's leadership abilities. A part of this whole Proty-question thing was him sending various Legionnaires on weird little missions all over the galaxy and claiming that they would find clues to the puzzle while doing so. Personally, I think that the whole thing was just a big power trip on Proty's behalf - I can practically (er... telepathically) hear him screaming "Dance for me, my doltish superteens! DANCE!"

As a part of this bizarre little exercise, Proty sends Saturn Girl to the Space Rodeo (or something like that) with orders that she win the toughest event. Turns out, that event is fairly awesome:

Racing winged kangaroos that are so mean that you need to put mind-control helmets on them to keep them from doing battle? That's pretty cool, in a ridiculous kind of way. As is the concept of launching a model rocket to start a race. Plus, the alien announcer's tiny bullhorn and target-shaped yarmulke. Good lord! I ironically appreciate this panel so much that I believe I may be getting the vapours. Mercy.

Phew. Well, now that I've recovered from that particular fainting spell (durned corset), back to the comic-blogging! Saturn Girl figures that she can just mentally order the kangobronc (for that is its name) to do her bidding but the no-fight helmet interferes. Cripes - that thing has a really short wingspan doesn't it? Maybe it's full of helium or something, to compensate.

Saturn Girl comes out on top, though, using the awesome power of sex! Which is actually kind of clever, though she is going to have a tricky time getting off of he trusty kangobronc. I mean, it's still wearing the mind-control helmet, right? So there's no way that it can be dissuaded from doing the nasty with Mrs. Kangobronc as soon as they stop. I guess they are at a rodeo, though. Maybe Saturn Girl can get a few extra points if she can stay in the saddle during the hot kangobronc-on-kangobronc action that is shortly to ensue.

Anyway, the kangobronc looks completely ridiculous, but I love its name, so:

JOHN APPROVED.

There's one more Future Zoo-centric event at the Intergalactic Rodeo: The Dinosaur-Throwing Contest! Manly men from across time and space come together with one goal: to stun a dinosaur with their paralysis gloves and then heave it through a hoop.

Man... I don't remember there being dinosaurs like that. I'm pretty sure that if Earth had a creature with a naturally-evolved buzz saw attached to its head there would have been a cheesy horror movie made about it by now.

Dinosaur basketball is a pretty good sport. Plus, these guys are tough. They brave whirling buzzsaw disfigurement and then throw something the size of a medium-large dog (and the buzz-saw's still going). I bet that they get all the hot alien honies.

I'm pretty sure that this is the most manly thing that you'll see today:

The dinosaurs themselves? A bit silly, I must admit. Silly or not, though, they've got buzz-saws on their heads. They'll mess you up, meng.

JOHN APPROVED.

First Impressions: Review of The Bat-Man, By Johnathan

Whew! I've been slogging through these old Detective Comics issues for a while now, just to get to this point. Not that there isn't a lot of fun in the things - Siegel and Shuster's 'Spy' feature was always pretty fun, for example - but into every 68-page anthology comic a little crappy storytelling must fall and I've read all of it. Curse you, Cosmo, Phantom of Disguise! Curse you, half the adventures of Bruce Nelson! No matter, though: I have reached No. 27 and so from now on shall have :

Oh, man. I'm going to be looking forward to the Bat-Man story in every issue. This was a great little yarn, which is both unsurprising and a bit of a relief. I mean, it makes sense that the first appearance of a character as enduring as Batman is good - otherwise why would he have been invited back the next month - but there's always that little twinge of fear when reading something like this. What if Batman's first appearance was terrible? Am I a fool for liking him? What does this say about my Batman-themed wedding? Lucky for me (and the future Mrs. Review [Ladies? Call me.]) all is well with the bat-past - this is a great comic.

Since several different parts of the bat-mythos (not, however, including the practice of sticking the 'bat' prefix onto things) made their debuts in this adventure I'll be dealing with them separately.

Commissioner Gordon:

This is the Gordon that you see in comics all the way through the Golden and Silver Ages: round glasses, pencil-thin mustache, slicked back hair and some moderate jowliness. In my head I uncharitably refer to him as "Fat Gordon". Fat Gordon might not look as cool or as tough as the current version, but check out his mad police skills:

"They say you killed your father!" That's Bad Cop.

And up there? That's Good Cop. Gordon's a whole damn team of detectives all on his lonesome. I'll bet that after this he started lifting fingerprints off of things before taking a quick jog downtown to stop a riot. Fat Gordon's got the goods, even if he looks a little bloated.

JOHN APPROVED.

Ah, but check this out:

First appearance of the Bat-man! I must say, I like the flared out cape, even though it must give him some trouble in doorways. This is definitely the only version of Batman that looks good with the cape thrown forward over his shoulders like that. Usually it looks really affected and weird - like Batman is getting too into being cape-dramatic and is maybe thinking about going to a Ren Faire or a LARP party, somewhere where they really appreciate all the interesting and visually appealing things that you can do with a cape - but flared out like that it looks pretty fantastic. Note that Bat-Man has scared the crap out of someone in his very first on-panel appearance.

He kicks a fair amount of ass, too.

I love how many aspects of the Batman we all know and lovingly fear show up in this comic. It's not that surprising, in that Detective was essentially about guys solving mysteries and socking bad guys, but it's nice that Batman didn't start out dressed all in green or as some sort of laughing Shadow knock-off. I don't know if beating up some guys and taking a piece of paper off of them qualifies him for the title of World's Greatest Detective just yet but every little bit counts, you know?

Fantastic death traps weren't uncommon at the time but rarely were they foiled with such speed and competence. Bat-Man just schools this thing. Note that he doesn't narrate what he's doing either. This is the quiet version of our old pal. Lord. I'm just gushing now.

Ah, there's the detecting. Bat-Man finally opens his mouth and solves the whole mystery. So: we've got the detectin' the fightin' and the scarin'. Sounds like a Batman to me, Larry.

And then there's this:

Early Batman's a bit more cavalier about human life than the present-day chap. To be fair, the guy was an asshole. I'm not entirely sure how long it takes before the official bat-position is that All Life Is Sacred but I'm glad of it. As interesting as it is to see the Dark Knight off bad guys without compunction, imagine what kind of horror that Batman would have become during the Nineties. Brrr.

As a final touch: the first time that Batman pulled the old "take off in the middle of a conversation" trick. A classic.

Aside from his purple gloves, this version of Bat-Man is

JOHN APPROVED.

The Batmobile:

Well, not really. Bat-Man does drive a car in this issue, though. Here are its two panels of glory:

Bright red, without even the bat head on the hood? Not cool. Even less cool? matching the interior of your car to your awful purple gloves.

NOT APPROVED.

Bruce Wayne:

Bruce shows up as a guy who's just idly visiting the Commissioner of Police and tags along with him to a crime scene. For the first half of the story he's just peeking over Gordon's shoulder as he interviews witnesses and looks at evidence and so forth. He also looks rather dashing with a pipe:


I don't much care for the checked suit but I'm pretty sure that it was the height of fashion in its day, so I'll let that pass. One terrific thing about this Bruce Wayne is that he started off not as a shallow party animal but as a guy who is constantly bored, like he's partied so much that even a murder investigation doesn't interest him in the least.

See? He couldn't care less about some tawdry murder but at least it beats deflowering Gotham's latest crop of debutantes or whatever else he had penciled in for that afternoon.

When Bruce Wayne says "Ho-hum", he means it.

I am left wondering, though. Why do these two hang out so much? Does the Commissioner actually like hanging out with this yawning pretty-boy? Maybe Gordon's just looking out for his future - sooner or later there's going to be an overdosed cheerleader or five to quietly dispose of and the day after that Gotham's going to have to find a new Commissioner of Police.

SEVENTY-YEAR-OLD SPOILER WARNING!

Bruce Wayne ended up being JOHN APPROVED. Do you want to know why?

Turns out he's the goddamned Bat-Man! Man, was I surprised.

Future Zoo: Review of the Taroc Creature, By Johnathan

From the same issue that brought you the Strangest Clock in the Universe, the Taroc Creature!
A wee bit of setup: a few issues back Lightning Lad had sacrificed his life to prevent Saturn Girl from sacrificing her life to keep someone from dying. I know, I know, sorry. It's much more clear in the comic book. Prophecy is involved, which always muddies the plot-waters. What's important is that Lightning Lad dies and, like, two pages later they're wondering if there might be some way to bring him back. In Adventure Comics No. 312 they really get to work on that problem and scour the galaxy for possible ways to sin against nature and take the very powers of God into their sweaty teenage hands - something they never seemed to get around to doing for Ferro Lad. Or Invisible Kid. Or 1/3 of Triplicate Girl, Sun Boy, Karate Kid or 1/2 of Duo Damsel. Man, the Legion really blew its altruism wad (so to speak) on this resurrection.

As a part of the whole "tamper with forces heretofore reserved to the Almighty because we miss our electricity-spewing friend" plan the Legion look up any and all references to resurrection in their Mechanical Librarian and then go on a gigantic cosmic scavenger hunt to round up all possible ways that they could create a blasphemous, soulless parody of their friend. Among the leads that are followed up on is the mysterious Taroc creature. Let's watch:

The Taroc is known for dying and then somehow coming back to life again and so Saturn Girl and Mon-el take a trip to their very yellow planet, in hopes of... uh... I'm actually not sure what they're hoping for. I mean, unless the things come back to life by means of a magical sprite who roams their planet dispensing miracles of rebirth. Possibly they hope to use advanced future science to infuse his corpse with Taroc genes? That would work, right? Anyway, it would work on Star Trek - you'd just have to run him through the transporter a few times afterward.

As far as alien monsters go, the Taroc creature's fairly boss. The 'fat pteranodon' body and snake head are solid creature fare and I appreciate how the ones that are at rest have adopted the vulture pose as their own. What reall sells me on these things, though, is the purple hands that they have at the ends of their wings. Since they're obviously useless while the Taroc is in flight, my imagination tells me that the creatures use these hands to play cards. In fact, Taroc society's basic unit is the bridge group, and the outcomes of trials are decided by playing a form of poker known as 'Bgtzl Hold 'em'.

Not sure what happened to Mon-el's face but it sure is creepy. Also: haven't there been Taroc creatures on every bit of high land pictured so far? why did he leave Saturn Girl on that peak? Is it because he has no eyes?

"It seemed to die a natural death, of old age... but really I fried it's brain with heat vision. Clever, huh?"

You know, I'm kind of sad that they didn't try this method of reviving Lightning Lad. Seeing a tiny red-haired dynamo burst out of their dead friend's back would have been just the thing to help the Legionnaires shake off the blues.

Even if I wasn't incredibly fond of the Taroc creature's hands and love for Eucre, its disgusting method of reproduction (plus the fact that it seems to be made of papier mache) rate a solid

JOHN APPROVED.

Bonus:

Space Serpents! I can't remember (nor do I care to check) why the Legionnaires needed to go to the Great Interplanetary Post Office on their search for a way to turn their dead friend into a mockery of human form and feeling, but when they do they see that it's being attacked by "Space Serpents, able to live in space and to eat metal and stone! They must be from another universe!"

Great Jumping Suns indeed, Lightning Lass. I do have to say, though, that that's a pretty good guess. I mean, you took a pretty bare set of facts and extrapolated the fact that these generic dragony things were from another universe? Phew. I gotta say, you're a better guesser than me. I think that you're almost as good as Superboy:

You superpeople and your Occam's Razor. I'll never know how you do it.

Anyway, Space Serpents, being from space, have never encountered anything like Sun Boy before. Because space is cold and dark - there is no sunlight. Sunlight is on planets, not space. Space is cold and the sun is warm.

The completely generic dragon-monsters get driven off in a pretty hokey way, but there's still one left and it's in a room with some guys. Since flinging bolts of lightning around willy-nilly might hurt the guys an alternate plan is thought up:

The Space Serpent is fooled by Proty. Oh, god. these things are so boring. I can't even be scathing. They're just dragons that eat post offices ("They must be from a universe of rabid letter-writers, Sun Boy!") and they're dumb. Yawn and yawn.

NOT APPROVED.

High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Strangest Clock in the Universe, By Johnathan

Oh, man. No preamble today - we're just hopping right in. Presenting The Strangest Clock in the Universe:

Strange in that it assumes that there is only one time zone on each planet, that is. I mean, sure it's convenient, but what about all of those poor folk in Japan or wherever who are stumbling around in the dark while it's 1:26 TE (Time on Earth)? I bet that they wish that they were allowed to see the sun once in a while, but really: who ever heard of people sleeping during the afternoon and working in the wee hours of the morning? Not the Science Police, baby. They really crack down on those sort of shenanigans, from their well-lit home base in New Metropolis.

Also, there only seem to be mini-clocks for planets with divisible-by-twelve-hour days, which would explain why I've never heard of any of these places. The Legion never go to any of them because they're just six boring lumps of rock with appropriate rotations. Zanno, for instance, is three feet in diameter and orbits the fourth smallest star in the galaxy.

Seriously, though. This clock could be so cool. It could be a holographic cloud that reassembles itself into different timepieces from across the galaxy or a mass of moving parts that becomes itself into a working representation of different star systems or a Massive, Multi-sided Orange/Red Polygonal Gadget (MMORPG) with a different clock face on each facet. This... thing is possibly the Lamest Clock in the Universe.

Strangest Clock in the Universe? You're NOT APPROVED.

In the same issue (Adventure Comics No. 312) appeared the Mechanical Librarian:

The Mechanical Librarian seems to do a decent enough job but I'm gonna have to come out as against it. A major part of going to the library, Legionnaires, is meeting hot librarians and developing crushes on them. Duh.

NOT APPROVED

[Followup: I was pretty happy with this post at one point but looking at it now I think it kind of blows. What can I say: I didn't get enough sleep last week (c'mon, buy it, buy it) and I think it affected my ability to communicate thoughts in a rational manner. Or I just suck, whichever. Anyway, sorry. This post is NOT APPROVED]