Archie Sunday: Don't Mess With Smithers

I don't write about Archie comics enough in this blog, considering my infinite love for them. Thus I kick off a new weekly feature: Archie Sunday.

This digest was about to go out on the shelf at Strange Adventures yesterday when Tiina noticed what an amazing cover it had. It has to be shared.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the moment that Jughead's friends realized that his obsession with food wasn't funny anymore:

These people aren't amused. They aren't even annoyed. These kids are terrified. Look at Veronica. She fears for her life. She is thinking "We were supposed to build a model of a famous structure. Why the hell would he make a giant sundae? I am starting to think it's not even a joke for him. He might actually think a sundae is a famous piece of architecture. He can't tell the difference! Oh my God!"

Archie's face is even more telling. "My God, I think he's actually crazy. People have been telling me he might have mental problems for years, but I never believed them. I think they might be right. He has to go to the hospital. My best friend has a serious problem!"

So that cover is awesome. And then inside we found a panel that is EVEN MORE AWESOME!

Behold the alarming power of the Lodge's butler, Smithers:

He is kicking both of them. In the butt. At the same time.

I mean, to be able to brace yourself in a doorway and swing your legs out like that at all is reasonably impressive for a man of Smither's build. But to do it with enough power and precision to kick two full-grown men in the ass simultaneously down a flight of stairs is nothing short of amazing. Smithers is like Batman.

Mix CD Madness

Hello all!

I just want to get this whole mix CD mess cleared up.

If you sent me a mix CD, and still haven't gotten one back, could you please send me an email, with your address. I know there are a couple of people who probably got lost in the shuffle and I never sent them out, but some I am worried didn't make it across the border.

rachellegoguen at gmail dot com

Thanks!

High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Planetary Chance Machine, By Johnathan

A quick one:

This is from Adventure Comics No. 319, in which the Legion has a very dangerous mission against what turns out to be a couple of very old men. Before they can get the ageism train a-chuggin' off to Beat-the-Elderly Town, they have to be divided into teams for some reason - possibly because of drama.

This being the Thirtieth Century, those crazy kids don't just go 'eeny-meeny, etc' to choose folk, nor do they (god forbid) make logical team choices based on the skills, powers and personalities of various Legionnaires. No, they turn to the Planetary Chance Machine, because if the Legion has an unofficial motto, it's "Over-complicating everything through technology."

I'd just like to note that the Legion is attacking a planet. An eighth person on your team isn't going to make you much more noticeable, Sun Boy.

And that's the Planetary Chance Machine: better than, say, pulling names out of a hat because there's no way that the hat is going to pick a team consisting of Brainiac 5, Sun Boy, Proty II, Bouncing Boy's chair, two walls of the Legion Clubhouse and Brainiac 5 again.

The really sad part is that this was the simplest thing that they could come up with. I happen to know that by the Thirtieth Century Paper, Rock, Scissors has become a months-long strategy game involving thousands of tiny robots that are made out of the game's three elements, while the 'straws' involved in drawing straws are carbon nanotubes, each a light-second long, that must be drawn with a small space-tug and subjected to microscopic analysis to determine which is the shortest. Hot Potato is still pretty fast but humans aren't allowed to play it any more due to a poorly-worded treaty with the Dominion.

The Planetary Chance Machine made one more appearance in the Legion of Substitute Heroes special:

Did anyone else think that Fire Lad looked creepy in this one?

Poor Subbies. The don't get no breaks.

Planetary Chance Machine, for disrespectin' the Substitute Heroes you are:

NOT APPROVED

Not actually from the future, but still high-tech and from Dev-Em's appearance in Adventure Comics No. 320. Presenting Krypton's favourite game, Interplanetary Scramble!

I seriously wish that Earth had cannon-based party games - maybe then alien races would give us props like they do the Kryptonians, who didn't even know the difference between Interplanetary and Intraplanetary, for Rao's sake (and, uh, who didn't listen to their top scientist when he said the planet was going to blow up and then got blown up)! I bet it would bring families together like no-one's business, plus every once in a while someone's brother would get mad at them and they'd have to come to school with a bunch of Cyrillic characters printed across their forehead.

Intraplanetary Scramble is completely JOHN APPROVED.

This Week's Haul: Too Many Kryptonians

I tried so hard to post every day this week, but I failed yesterday. I just can't find time to do anything anymore.

I did, however, get First Runner Up in The Coast's Best of Halifax reader's poll for Best Local Blog! So thanks to everyone who voted for me. I didn't even know that was a category this year!

I read a bunch of comics this week. Here's some of them:

Robin #168

The Ressurection of Ra's Al Ghul continues. I don't know why this is "Part 1 of 7" when there were two parts last week. Does that mean there are going to be 7 issues of Robin alone that tie into this thing?

So Damian isn't so into Ra's Al Ghul's plan to use his body as a host. So he hightails it to Wayne Manor to find his dad. Instead he runs into Robin, and Tim isn't happy to see him. They get into it.

Then Damian runs upstairs and finds Alfred, who is awesome. This is actually where I start to feel kinda bad for Damian. Maybe the kid isn't pure evil.

Oh, kid. How many times have I said that?

Tim wakes up after being knocked unconscious, and mistakes Damian helping Alfred up after he trips for Damian trying to kill Alfred. Oops!

Alfred totally tears a strip off of Tim. It's rad:

The comic ends with this exciting page:

Aw, man! Continued in Nightwing? I have to read Nightwing?! Sheesh. That's like "To Be Continued in Trigonometry Class." Boooooo.

Supergirl #23

Yet another creative team for Supergirl. I really like the art. I think the writing is good...but I had no idea what was happening in this issue. I read it twice. No idea.

But I still think the writing is good, because the characterization is good. And it kinda tied into Sinestro Corps, but not enough to put that on the cover.

It started off in Supergirl's apartment, which I thought was cool. She has a mysterious present on her coffee table. It's lead and soundproofed. She finally just decides to open it. This gets her a phone call from Batman.

And here is what Supergirl is good for: calling Batman on his creepy weirdness.

She's right, Batman. Who would actually tie a box up with a big pretty bow?

SG gets the call from Superman and soars into battle.

Overall, I think there's hope for this comic.

The All-New Atom #17

Oh man, this was great! Wonder Woman makes an appearance, giving us a taste of what's to come in Simone's upcoming run on WW. I'm excited.

Especially after this awesome Picoult dig:

Ha! You tell 'im, Diana!

She looks so dope on that motorcycle!

This issue gives us more of the Ryan/Giganta relationship, which, as it turns out, is still happening. Fantastic!

Short Guy/Tall Woman, Super Hero/Villain. I love it.

I also loved this misunderstanding:

What a great comic.

Justice League Unlimited #39

You put Batman and Elongated Man together, and you know you're going to have a good time. Throw Detective Chimp into the mix, and you have a party.

Also, as I've mentioned before, this is the only comic that completely ignores all the depressing continuity and offers month after month of fun stories about dead characters. I love it.

I mean, how can you not love this?

Batman feels the same way about Ralph's gross nose that I do. I'll add it to the list of things we could talk about on our date.

The ending of this comic was solid gold:

Metal Men #4

Another beautiful issue of Metal Men, which should win awards for the covers alone! This is going to make a gorgeous book when it's collected.

Just look at this crazy steam shovel that the Metal Men join together to build:

That's just awesome.

Gold and Lead have exchanged identities, and Lead (now Gold) is trying to cheer his friend up. It's pretty cute.

God, this comic is just so beautiful! I can't stand it!

Superman #670

The Third Kryptonian...again, a very confusing concept, considering there are five Kryptonians on the cover, none of which is the "Third Kryptonian."

I thought this was pretty neat:

Batman has the job of Fortress Keeper. He plays it like John Travolta in Get Shorty:

That is a suit that Superman designed and built. It is constructed to recognize Batman's biometric signature. So in love.

Actually, this comic did come dangerously close to Jeph Loeb-levels of Superman-crushing-on-Batman-through-obsessive-interior-monologues. Superman was thinking of him almost constantly throughout the issue.

So now the Third Kryptonian is gone. We hardly knew ye, What's-her-name!

Rating The Super Hunks #17: Connor Hawke

Oliver Queen has been kidnapped, and now Black Canary has teamed up with the young, sexy Connor Hawke to find him. For my money, Dinah has traded up. Ollie scored a respectable 29 on the Hunk-o-metre. Let's see how his son does.

Connor Hawke, aka Green Arrow II

This is about as cool as you can look.

Costume/Appearance:

Connor's costume is nice Really nice. The forest green and the dark brown really looks nice together. His costume also kinda of makes him look like a Ninja Turtle.

Unlike his father's sleeveless, overly-macho Arrow get-up, Connor covers himself up, but comes off looking like the hunkier arrow.

They are watching a parade.

Little details like long tails on his domino mask reflect his half-Asian heritage.

Shredder doesn't stand a chance!

One big gold cuff on his bow-holding arm, and big gold bands around his legs really make the outfit look cool, without being too flashy. The brown hood looks great.

As far as appearance goes, Connor changes depending on who's drawing him. He's supposed to have at least partially-Asian, partially African features from his mother, and blonde hair from his father. When drawn and coloured correctly, he has a dark complexion which offsets the blonde hair. It's hot.

Straight as an arrow!

But even when he looks like an Aryan poster child, he's looking pretty good. And I appreciate his clean-cut, clean-shaven look.

Suddenly white!

The guy is foxy. And a good dresser. You can't fault him in this category at all.

10/10

Personality:

One thing Connor is not is a jerk. This is the nicest guy in the world. Too nice, really. He's...gentle.

"Have you ever played Settlers of Catan, Roy?"

He likes books and meditation and vegan food. He doesn't drink or party or have any vices.

All the beer in the world is not going to make Connor interested in those strippers.

He won't get drunk with you, but he will make you a big pancake breakfast the morning after.

They're probably vegan pancakes, though.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Since Mia brought it up, let's talk about that. Connor has little-to-no experience with women. He was raised in a remote monastery, devoid of any women whatsoever. More than that, he seems to have very little interest in women. It has people asking questions.

It's not a very interesting story, Ollie

So of course the gentle, tidy, super hot athletic guy who doesn't seem to be interested in girls has people thinking that maybe he just might be gay.

"Is it because Judd Winick is writing this comic? Is that it?"

No, Connor. It's because you're too good to be true. Even Roy thinks so:

Jesus. Take it down a notch, Roy.

Hmmm...maybe it isn't Connor's sexuality we should be focusing on.

So Connor has a lot going for him, personality-wise. But the inability to cut loose and have a good time would get on my nerves.

Connor is not sure he should drink tea with caffeine in it.

8/10

Day-Job:

Connor is a Buddhist monk. Not really sexy, except for the naughtiness factor. Which is high.

8/10

Come to me, Connor!

Sexiness of Powers:

As with all members of the Arrow family, Connor has no super powers. But he does kick ass with a bow.

If this was the last thing I ever saw, I wouldn't complain.

He doesn't need trick arrows, he just rocks the old-school bow and arrows. He's also a great fighter. I'll always give high marks to someone who kicks ass without powers.

Unpronounceable sound effects!

9/10

Cons:

Religion + Veganism = someone I probably won't be able to talk to for very long.

He's watching "What Women Want."

- 2

Final Score: 34/40

Eat it, Ollie! Eat it hard! Your son is hotter than you! I don't care if they never find your kidnapped ass!

"A white t-shirt and...Roy, is that you?"

Call me, Connor!

Items from the 2007 Sears Wish Book that would have BLOWN MY MIND as a kid in the 80s

As with many kids, I loved the annual Sears Wish Book's massive toy section. Because this is the beginning of the Holiday shopping season, I thought I'd take a look at the latest Sears Wish Book (now online, of course). There are items in the toy section that my six-year-old self would never believe. At the time I was trying to wrap my brain around the impossible technology that was the Flintstone Phone (How does Barney know I am talking to him?! It's magic!).

Let's take a look at the 2007 Toys available to kids who don't know how good they've got it.

The 6 ft. Mega Giga Ball
It's mega! It's...giga?! It's a ball that can crush you! And you can CLIMB INSIDE IT! This is a terrifying toy. And fantastic. Mom and Dad will love inflating all 6 ft of this wonderful ball. Your friends will be jealous as you roll right on by the school bus. You won't need public transportation anymore! You've got your own ride!

Robopanda

This ain't your grandmother's talking robot bear (that would be Teddy Ruxpin). This panda will play games, wear you out, and tuck you in. Storytime? You know it! This panda will tell you stories that you won't believe! Because Robopanda can see the future. YOUR future! Robopanda will not only be your best friend, he will replace your parents in every way. Robopanda comes with his own panda. That is how awesome Robopanda is. Also: "Robopanda can be happy, shy or feisty. So treat him nicely." No one wants a feisty Robopanda.

Transformers Electronic Arcade Jet

Are you effing kidding me?

Why am I even considering any of the major video game consoles when, for a mere $129.99, I can have a video game JET that I can RIDE while I PLAY? It runs on only three D batteries! "Accompanied by real roaring engines and vibrating action, navigate your jet fighter through the battle zone." I would love to do that! There much be a catch!

"Holds up to 59 lbs."

Ah.

iPod Docking Station with CD/CD+G Karaoke System

This. Is not. A toy.

My First Kenmore Peek-Inside Washer and Dryer

Kids love laundy! It's a fact! And they love stylish, trendy appliances! Especially ones that are made out of wood and don't do anything!

Parents - please do not buy your daughters a fake washer and dryer set for Christmas. If you do, you are the devil.

Roboquad

Roboquad will kill you in your sleep!

Note - you can set Roboquad's aggression level to 'high.' I am not kidding.

President Ronald W. Reagan Hosts State Reception 17" Doll

I think I'm going to let an excerpt from the catalogue description speak for me:

The Reagan presidency brought a sense of confidence, pride and prosperity to the nation and the beginning of a new world order.

Celebrate the accomplishments of the United States of America's fortieth president with this limited, numbered replica doll of Ronald Reagan. Reagan is dressed to the tee as he prepares to host a State Reception. Life-like and realistic, Reagan wears a tuxedo and stands approximately 17 inches tall.

Clearly this makes fun of itself.

Remote Control Mighty MegaSaurs - Dragon

Not only does this toy look awesome, but it impressively showed up when I did a search of 'girls' items in the catalogue. Nice!

Hasbro FurReal Friends Pony - Butterscotch

I guess that's cool.

Giant Plush T-Rex

Now we're talking!

Snugglers For Boys - Spider-Man

Did someone get the license plate of the truck that just ran over Spidey?

Mattel Barbie Girls - Bright Pink and Green Outfits

This is just an awesome labeling error.

Alright, I'm done. I guess I got a little distracted by crappy toys, and strayed from the topic which was supposed to be crazy toys of the future. Oh well.

The point is that the Sears Wish Book is still awesome.