Review of the Reviewers, By Johnathan

It occurs to me that now that I've lured Paul back to the reviewing I should take a moment to explain just what's going on here. Paul's a programmer and computer nerd, while I'm an editor and comic book nerd. "But wait," you shout, "this blog is filled with typos and misplaced punctuation. What the hell kind of editor are you?" Answer: the kind that doesn't really feel like editing after a long day of editing, that's what kind.

The site's based on an old idea that we had in high school about how we'd become famous consumer advocates or something like that and stamp products with JOHN APPROVED or PAUL APPROVED for money because our opinion was so valued. Come to think of it, I'd still like to do that. Anyone want cheap endorsements?

Anyway, now you know the crazy, unknown story.

JOHN APPROVED (narcissism!)

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: Review of Double-Header, by Johnathan

Bah. I had meant to do a somewhat meatier review tonight, but I'm tired and drinking beer and won't be good for much pretty soon, so it's Double-Header for you. Bah again. Later this week I'll tackle the somewhat weightier likes of Size Lad, Magnetic Kid and Blackout Boy, as I feel a strange compulsion to get as many Super-Human Detritus-related posts done as I can before the next issue of Action Comics comes out. I mean, what if Jungle King's there and I haven't spoken of him yet?

Anyway, Double-Header. One of those failed Legion applicants who I've been meaning to get around to for quite a while now. Thanks to the exceedingly thorough Jeff Rovin and his Encyclopedia of Super-Heroes I've both known of Double-Header and wondered why he/they ever bothered trying out for the LSH for much longer than I've known what he/they looked like. Here, take a look (ignore Spider Girl's crushed spirit and hot pants):

Note that not only does he/do they have tow grotesque heads but they kind of have two super-hero logos, too, if a couple of check marks count as a logo. That panel is really the clincher on Double-Header's claim to being the most throwaway Legion applicant of all time, really. I mean, usually a failed tryer-outer has one panel to declare how awesome they are ("I can shoot miniature suns from my nose!") before the one or two panels required to showcase the negative side to their powers or to demonstrate what a screwup they are ("I fuel my power with the hearts of Andorran Love-Puppies!", "Oops! I accidentally repeatedly kicked Sun Boy in the genitals!"). Double-Header lost the second he showed up. I mean, what does he really have to offer? "I can shout as loud as two guys, though I am one." That's all I can really think of, aside from "I can make you extra uncomfortable if I ask you out on a date."

The two extra panels really just add insult to injury:

Not only does Double-Header have two extra-ugly heads, but they hate each other. Jeez...

Whenever I find mention of Double-Header on the Internet there's some mention of how he's got two heads because he's very slowly splitting into two identical guys. I've never found any mention of this in the comics themselves, so I'm guessing that that little tidbit of information originated in a letters page or an interview or something, possibly as a result of his/their appearance in DC Comics Presents No. 59:

The separated head is a marked improvement, I must say, though:

It does manage to gross out the Ambush Bug.

The heads also seem to be getting along better in this appearance, which is nice. I hope that I can be pals with any heads that might sprout from me in the future. Further, I hope that the 'splitting in two' thing is kept up in any future appearances of the character and that he/they show up as basically two guys, joined at the extremities, so that they look like a couple of people holding hands while participating in a three-legged race.

In anticipation of this, Double-Header is JOHN APPROVED.

Review of Personal Effort, By Johnathan

Introducing: a happenin' new title image! I'm pretty happy with the way this thing turned out - now if I can just get the various font colours and such to look as nice...

PS: If it looks like the banner was made furtively using office supplies, that's because it was (note to anyone from work who might read this: no it wasn't).

JOHN APPROVED

Archie Sunday: Rockin' With Dilton

My biggest regret about not having time last week to review comics is that I didn't get to review the supremely awesome "Denim" story in Tales From...Riverdale Digest #25. Please do check it out.

I love a Dilton-centric story. As I keep saying, he's the only person in Riverdale who isn't a complete horror of a human being.

Here's an awesome Dilton story, in which he becomes a rock star.

Ok, so I'm pretty confused about The Archies as a band. Sometimes they seem, like, huge. But the members rarely talk about the band, and they seldom seem to be practicing or anything. This is a rare moment.

But anyway. Here we have them struggling to write songs. Enter Dilton:

Man, what a sweetie.

Ok, when Betty says they haven't written a hit song "in ages," what is she saying? I mean, most bands haven't written a hit song...ever. Do they mean a song that was actually a "hit" and sold lots of records around the world? Or do they just mean it's been awhile since they wrote a song that didn't suck? And is the "hit" that they are referring to "Sugar, Sugar"? I am really confused about this band.

And now to prove my point about the kids of Riverdale being horrible, horrible people:

Guys, he's offering to help you out here. And has he ever been wrong about anything ever?

Well, it's their loss. Dilton storms out of there, leaving them to laugh until they all get bored and go to Pop's to eat a bunch of food and not pay for it.

Yeah! You show 'em, Dilton! I also like that this comic makes a point about the formulaic structure of popular music.

Also, I like that Dilton decides immediately that he needs a keyboardist. That's what I like to see.

Oh the stereotypes. A fat drummer, a black bass player, and an ex-con keyboardist.

Man, Dilton is awesome. Look at that rad recording studio he built!

I don't know about you, but I'd really like to hear those songs. I'll bet they sound like Heaven.

You guys might want to toss around a couple of other band names before you commit. No? Dilton and the Destroyers it is, then. I mean, it actually is pretty great, considering Dilton's appearance and demeanor.

Now we get to see that awesome comic/tv fictional idea of how bands become famous:

Usually you play shows and then get a recording contract. Actually, you usually play many, many shows and then you put out your own CD with your own money. Then you sell that for $5 and burn them yourself when you run out. And then usually you break up.

And once again we get to see the awful, awful Archies sitting around, being useless and mean. He gave you guys tickets. Stop being shitheads. And it's not like he's playing some dinky all-ages club either. Check it out:

"You're in violation"?! Dilton, you are amazing. I love that he didn't change his look at all for the stage show. In fact, the whole band is wearing exactly what they wore to their first rehearsal.

And now the sweet, sweet pay-off: Archie and friends glumly realizing that they probably should have let Dilton write some songs for them.

Dilton! DO NOT write songs for those assholes! I also can't believe the nerve of Jughead, asking Dilton to pay their bill on top of everything else. And Pop is like "Please pay it, Dilton. They are foreclosing on my house!"

So there you have it. Dilton can do anything.

Shame Review, By Johnathan

In an effort to shame Paul into posting more than once per year, I'm going to review his new kitten, Gordon.

Gordon is a completely awesome kitten with ADHD. He can change directions so quickly that watching him run around is like watching a Scooby-Doo chase scene - no matter where you just saw him go you have no idea where he's going to reemerge. He scales people like ladders. Last night Gordon jumped off my shoulder, got distracted by a laser halfway down and crash-landed on the couch.

Gordon, you are unreservedly JOHN APPROVED

This Week's Haul: One More Day? More like: This comic costs "One More Dollar"

Here's some whirlwind comic reviews comin' at ya!

The Sensational Spider-Man #41

Spidey. Hear me out.

Aunt May is very old. And her husband is dead. I just want you to consider that before you do anything crazy like trade your life as you know it for hers. I know you love her. We all do. But seriously, she is, like, what? 150 years old now? She probably wants to die. And she certainly doesn't want you throwing your life away so she can live the last six months or whatever of hers.
Also, incidentally, your comic books suck.

Sub-Mariner #6

You know what was surprisingly awesome? This mini-series. Particularly this issue. If you missed out, I think it's going to make an excellent little TPB, so watch for it.

This was actually the first comic in a long time that I was so into while I was reading it that I actually got pissed off at the ads. I'd turn the page after an awesome cliffhanger panel and be like "What?! Ad?! Get out of here!" It was a very gripping issue with a great ending.

I'd like to mention this about Marvel: I like what they do with their comics in terms of extra stuff. I like having that front page that summarizes the story up to this point. I like those new pages at the back with a Q&A, and some fun facts about characters, and some other stuff. I'm into it. Fix up, DC.

X-Men First Class #6

Holy lord. What a mess! I mean, the story is as great as always, but it was completely out of order. And that confused me for an embarrassingly long time before I figured out the problem. I assume that Marvel is going to send out corrected issues.

Right, Marvel?

Daredevil #102

It seems like Daredevil comes out every week now. But I am certainly not complaining.

Poor Matt Murdock. Proof that bad things happen to good/borderline psychotic/actually not that good people. This latest helping of sweet, sweet schadenfreude has Milla returning home to Matt, but under 24-hour house arrest surveillance. Matt's happy she's home, but we all know he has no reason to be because something awful is definitely going to happen to her, or him, or both of them very soon.

You know what I'd like? An issue of Daredevil where he wakes up, has a big delicious breakfast, takes a relaxing stroll in the park with a wife who is in no way crazy or sad, and then maybe takes the night off and goes dancing. And maybe eats cake in there somewhere. That guy is in desperate need of a really good day.

Of course, then we wouldn't get to see awesome fights like this:

Batman and the Outsiders #2

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...huh? Whu? Oh right. This is why I always have, and always will, hate The Outsiders.

Awesome! Catwoman and Martian Manhunter are going to be in it! I love those guys...oh, wait. They're leaving forever. And here's that dumb Batgirl I have no time for. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Batman #671

So much talent being wasted on a stupid crossover.

However, the fight between Batman and whatshisface was great. I don't know if I've ever seen Batman's eye shields get smashed up like that. It looked cool.

Also...Batman ended up coming back and winning this fight. Because he is awesome.

Blue Beetle #21

Nice fill-in! This was really enjoyable. The more Traci Thirteen the better, I say!

All-Star Batman and Robin #7

Making fun of this isn't even fun anymore. It just makes fun of itself so effectively that there is no joy in it.

I mean, the cover is The Joker sporting a giant back piece for no reason. In the very first panel Gotham City is called a "whore." Dick makes yet another homophobic remark about Batman being queer. Batman says/does some more things that make it clear that he should not be allowed within five states of a child.

And Green Lantern is an idiot man-child. Usually that would be funny, but it really is just obnoxious here.

I hate this comic. I hate it so much.

Countdown #22

This issue had a perfect example of what's wrong with this series. Mister Miracle shows up to help Jimmy Olsen. He's wearing his old costume, and seems unconcerned that at this very moment he is on a mission with Superman to Apokolips. Why can't this damn comic sync up even slightly to what's happening in the other comics?

Know what else I hated? Trickster dying. And I can't really see a way out of this death. He was shot in the head and the heart. He's fairly dead. And this little scene was heartbreaking:

Nooooooo!!! They were just starting to like each other! I hate you, comics.

Green Lantern Corps #18

This whole issue was one big fight between Superman Prime and the new Ion, Sodam Yat.

Superman Prime continues to be delightfully bratty:

"Read 'em and weep!" I really love how hard Prime tries with the smack talk, but he really just sounds like a giant tool.

I really liked Sodam Yat's back story too.

Superman Annual # 13

Camelot Falls (or should I say Camelot Stalls...zing!) finally gets wrapped up in this annual. Good lord, how long has this story been going on? I know I really enjoyed many issues of it, but it just seems so long ago. We're lucky enough to have three great Superman stories happening in three separate series simultaneously...but they are all moving slower than molasses.

I prefer an annual that stands on its own and is fun with lots of mini stories, but this was fine. The back-up, with lovely art by Renato Guedes, was really cute. I liked the premise of Supergirl trying to cook everyone a traditional Kryptonian meal.

Gotham Underground #2

Sometimes you just want to read a Batman comic that isn't about the resurrection of Ra's al Ghul in anyway. Thank God for Gotham Underground, the totally entertaining criminal-centric 12-part Batman series for the rest of us. If it keeps up the good work, this is going to be my favourite current Batman title.

So close to being done school for four weeks, guys. And when I'm done, I am going to read every comic ever and write about them. I thank you for your patience. As always, I wanna hear what you all thought of this week's comics, including any that I didn't post about. Because chances are good that I read them.