This Week's Haul: So Very Late

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Once again, these reviews are ridiculously late. I have my stupid financial accounting exam tomorrow night, and then I'm free until January 7th! Sweeeeet!

Countdown Week 21
Trickster is still dead and Piper is still sad. So am I.

Countdown: Arena #1

And the Lord sayeth to Monarch "Build an arena 300 cubits by 300 cubits, and bring into the arena three of every superhero. Preferably you will choose the most ridiculous of each superhero. And make them fight to the death, for I am bored."

This, folks, is the definition of entertainment for the lowest common denominator.

I don't even know what to say about it. It's ridiculous and bad and I really, really don't understand why this "event" is happening.

Justice League of America #15

I am so close to dropping this, and that is just wrong. I'm a big JLA fan. I'm a big McDuffie fan. So why does this suck? I dunno, but it does.

It's just generally not fun or interesting. And it's full of really awkward jokes.

And also, who's drawing this thing? Sisqo?

Thong-thong-thong-thong-thong.

Canary's got dumps like a truck!

The All-New Atom #18

Ah! Now here's the best JLA-related story I've read in awhile! And the best Wonder Woman story I've read in awhile!

I actually totally adored this issue. I loved every panel. Like this one:

And this one:

And also The Atom being burned alive on a Ted Grant (snicker) Indoor Grill! And Wonder Woman licking her thumb and rubbing the blood off the Atom's head! So good.

But please don't let The Head be dead!

Avengers The Initiative Annual #1

Awesome! Not only is this everything I hope for when I pick up an annual, it's the first comic to move the Skrull storyline along in awhile. Everything interesting that is happening in the Marvel universe is happening in this series (and in the ones that Brubaker writes, of course, but those are, like, their own universe. An awesome universe).

Everyone is talking about Skrulls over in The New Avengers, but in The Initiative we're seeing some honest-to-God Skrulls. And some great back stories for all the main characters.

World War Hulk: Aftersmash

Hulk smashed. New York is a mess. Iron Man is an insufferable prick.

The most awesome thing about this comic is the Mini Marvels comic at the back.

So, so good. Marvel needs to put these into every comic. And release a book that collects them.

Please note Daredevil in the upper right corner of this panel:

I did a spit-take.

Jonah Hex #26

Man. This was messed up. I read this right before bed and I had a bad case of the jeeblies. This story is probably going to stay with me for awhile.

It was really awesome, though. And the art was fantastic!

Robin #169

Beautiful art! Lame tie-in! I mean, seriously, how many times have I heard this story?

Totally Evil Guy: "I can bring your loved ones back from the dead, all you have to do is whatever crazy thing I say!"

Noble Hero: "Really?"

Totally Evil Guy: "Yup. For reals."

Usually Very Intelligent Hero: "Well...alright then."

Other Hero(es) Present: "You probably shouldn't listen to that guy. He's evil."

Disappointing Hero: "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! WHY SHOULD I BE ALLOWED TO LIVE WHEN MY PARENTS/SISTER/GIRLFRIEND/SIDEKICK/BROTHER/BEST FRIEND/UNCLE BEN IS DEAD?!"

Other Hero(es): "Yeah, that sucks...but the thing is, you're probably just going to die, and then the evil guy won't actually bring back your loved ones. I mean, why would he?"

Dumb Hero: "Screw you! I'm doing it!"

Comic: TO BE CONTINUED!

Really, Tim. I expected better from you.

Now, the most important thing to come out this week, of course, is the Saga of the Super Sons trade paperback. It is, hands down, the campiest thing you can own. It's just brilliantly terrible, and everyone should own it. My love/hate relationship for the Super Sons knows no bounds.

Review of the Reviewers, By Johnathan

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It occurs to me that now that I've lured Paul back to the reviewing I should take a moment to explain just what's going on here. Paul's a programmer and computer nerd, while I'm an editor and comic book nerd. "But wait," you shout, "this blog is filled with typos and misplaced punctuation. What the hell kind of editor are you?" Answer: the kind that doesn't really feel like editing after a long day of editing, that's what kind.

The site's based on an old idea that we had in high school about how we'd become famous consumer advocates or something like that and stamp products with JOHN APPROVED or PAUL APPROVED for money because our opinion was so valued. Come to think of it, I'd still like to do that. Anyone want cheap endorsements?

Anyway, now you know the crazy, unknown story.

JOHN APPROVED (narcissism!)

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: Review of Double-Header, by Johnathan

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Bah. I had meant to do a somewhat meatier review tonight, but I'm tired and drinking beer and won't be good for much pretty soon, so it's Double-Header for you. Bah again. Later this week I'll tackle the somewhat weightier likes of Size Lad, Magnetic Kid and Blackout Boy, as I feel a strange compulsion to get as many Super-Human Detritus-related posts done as I can before the next issue of Action Comics comes out. I mean, what if Jungle King's there and I haven't spoken of him yet?

Anyway, Double-Header. One of those failed Legion applicants who I've been meaning to get around to for quite a while now. Thanks to the exceedingly thorough Jeff Rovin and his Encyclopedia of Super-Heroes I've both known of Double-Header and wondered why he/they ever bothered trying out for the LSH for much longer than I've known what he/they looked like. Here, take a look (ignore Spider Girl's crushed spirit and hot pants):


Note that not only does he/do they have tow grotesque heads but they kind of have two super-hero logos, too, if a couple of check marks count as a logo. That panel is really the clincher on Double-Header's claim to being the most throwaway Legion applicant of all time, really. I mean, usually a failed tryer-outer has one panel to declare how awesome they are ("I can shoot miniature suns from my nose!") before the one or two panels required to showcase the negative side to their powers or to demonstrate what a screwup they are ("I fuel my power with the hearts of Andorran Love-Puppies!", "Oops! I accidentally repeatedly kicked Sun Boy in the genitals!"). Double-Header lost the second he showed up. I mean, what does he really have to offer? "I can shout as loud as two guys, though I am one." That's all I can really think of, aside from "I can make you extra uncomfortable if I ask you out on a date."

The two extra panels really just add insult to injury:


Not only does Double-Header have two extra-ugly heads, but they hate each other. Jeez...

Whenever I find mention of Double-Header on the Internet there's some mention of how he's got two heads because he's very slowly splitting into two identical guys. I've never found any mention of this in the comics themselves, so I'm guessing that that little tidbit of information originated in a letters page or an interview or something, possibly as a result of his/their appearance in DC Comics Presents No. 59:


The separated head is a marked improvement, I must say, though:


It does manage to gross out the Ambush Bug.


The heads also seem to be getting along better in this appearance, which is nice. I hope that I can be pals with any heads that might sprout from me in the future. Further, I hope that the 'splitting in two' thing is kept up in any future appearances of the character and that he/they show up as basically two guys, joined at the extremities, so that they look like a couple of people holding hands while participating in a three-legged race.

In anticipation of this, Double-Header is JOHN APPROVED.

Archie Sunday: Rockin' With Dilton

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My biggest regret about not having time last week to review comics is that I didn't get to review the supremely awesome "Denim" story in Tales From...Riverdale Digest #25. Please do check it out.

I love a Dilton-centric story. As I keep saying, he's the only person in Riverdale who isn't a complete horror of a human being.

Here's an awesome Dilton story, in which he becomes a rock star.

Ok, so I'm pretty confused about The Archies as a band. Sometimes they seem, like, huge. But the members rarely talk about the band, and they seldom seem to be practicing or anything. This is a rare moment.

But anyway. Here we have them struggling to write songs. Enter Dilton:

Man, what a sweetie.

Ok, when Betty says they haven't written a hit song "in ages," what is she saying? I mean, most bands haven't written a hit song...ever. Do they mean a song that was actually a "hit" and sold lots of records around the world? Or do they just mean it's been awhile since they wrote a song that didn't suck? And is the "hit" that they are referring to "Sugar, Sugar"? I am really confused about this band.

And now to prove my point about the kids of Riverdale being horrible, horrible people:

Guys, he's offering to help you out here. And has he ever been wrong about anything ever?

Well, it's their loss. Dilton storms out of there, leaving them to laugh until they all get bored and go to Pop's to eat a bunch of food and not pay for it.

Yeah! You show 'em, Dilton! I also like that this comic makes a point about the formulaic structure of popular music.

Also, I like that Dilton decides immediately that he needs a keyboardist. That's what I like to see.

Oh the stereotypes. A fat drummer, a black bass player, and an ex-con keyboardist.

Man, Dilton is awesome. Look at that rad recording studio he built!

I don't know about you, but I'd really like to hear those songs. I'll bet they sound like Heaven.

You guys might want to toss around a couple of other band names before you commit. No? Dilton and the Destroyers it is, then. I mean, it actually is pretty great, considering Dilton's appearance and demeanor.

Now we get to see that awesome comic/tv fictional idea of how bands become famous:

Usually you play shows and then get a recording contract. Actually, you usually play many, many shows and then you put out your own CD with your own money. Then you sell that for $5 and burn them yourself when you run out. And then usually you break up.

And once again we get to see the awful, awful Archies sitting around, being useless and mean. He gave you guys tickets. Stop being shitheads. And it's not like he's playing some dinky all-ages club either. Check it out:

"You're in violation"?! Dilton, you are amazing. I love that he didn't change his look at all for the stage show. In fact, the whole band is wearing exactly what they wore to their first rehearsal.

And now the sweet, sweet pay-off: Archie and friends glumly realizing that they probably should have let Dilton write some songs for them.

Dilton! DO NOT write songs for those assholes! I also can't believe the nerve of Jughead, asking Dilton to pay their bill on top of everything else. And Pop is like "Please pay it, Dilton. They are foreclosing on my house!"

So there you have it. Dilton can do anything.