How Do You Solve a Problem Like Smallville?

My previous post generated a bit of discussion on the various shortcomings of Smallville. And while I don't really think about or talk about this show much anymore, I would like to outline some of the various places where Smallville went seriously wrong.

Smallville is a show that I kept watching because I deluded myself into thinking that there would be some sort of pay-off. The thing that is so frustrating is that it was a great idea for a show...and it has a built-in, fail-proof pay-off. And yet...

Smallville missed the mark completely in so many ways. And I'm not saying it needed to be loyal to comic book canon or continuity. I was absolutely into a re-telling of the story, with new characters and altered relationships and histories. I think some of the strongest characters on the show were created specifically for the show. Chloe Sullivan and Lionel Luthor, for example.

What I am saying is, I accept and appreciate the world that Smallville created, and that it is separate, but inspired by, Superman comics. But the makers of the show couldn't even keep a handle on that world.

So as Smallville quietly slinks toward the finish line, I am going to point out some specific mistakes made. Because I would hate to see this happen again with another comic-based show down the road.

1. Chloe Sullivan vs Lois Lane: I don't know about you guys, but I think Chloe became the strongest character on the show by, say, season 4. Right off the bat, she was clearly inspired by Lois Lane. A fast-talking spunky journalist who constantly lets her curiosity get the best of her. Plus, there's the whole massive crush on Clark Kent thing.

We knew early on that Chloe had a cousin in Metropolis named Lois Lane. Here's where the show went wrong: introducing Lois as a character on the show. If you want a great pay-off...make Chloe turn out to be Lois. This is something that there were rumours about...until Lois showed up. Chloe alluded to the fact that her cousin had no interest in journalism, and that Chloe had used her cousin's name as a pen name. In the context of this show, Chloe could have been Lois.

And that would have been great because all of the chemistry on the show is between Clark and Chloe (besides, of course, that between Lex and Clark). Lana is boring, and there is nothing between Clark and Lois. The viewers want to see Clark and Chloe together forever, but that can't happen because it's not canon. Well, make it canon.

OR

2. Make Lana Lang a better character: Lana's character pretty much started and ended with being pretty and boring. I don't really think anyone was rooting for her. By throwing Chloe into the mix, you pretty much ruined any chance of the viewers wanting to see Clark and Lana as a couple. Lana ended up being a character that no one knew what to do with, so she ended up pregnant and married by the time she was 19. LAME. (And then not pregnant and not married soon after...but still boring).

3. The Death of Pa Kent: What a terrible, terrible episode this was. You know, the one where Clark finally tells Lana his secret, and she is totally cool with it, so he proposes to her on the spot? When they are, like 18? But then through some twisted fate and through Lex's jealous rage, Lana is killed in a car accident. So Clark goes to Jor-El of all people and begs him to change things so Lana can be alive again. And Jor-El does...on the condition that someone else Clark loves dies in her place.

You can see the problem here.

So Clark agrees to this. And then his dad dies of a heart attack the very night he wins the state senate election (which...don't even get me started about that). And Clark...is ok with this? Lana for his father is a fair trade?! And for the rest of the series he's like "Gee I miss dad, I wish he wasn't dead." He didn't have to be, asshole!

4. The Constant Amnesia: There was no chance for the show to ever progress, or for the characters to grow, because every episode ended with one or more characters suffering short-term memory loss. The events of each episode never affected them. No lessons were ever learned, no stronger bonds were ever formed, no secrets were uncovered. Unlike with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, nothing that happened on Smallville ever mattered. You knew there would never be any repercussions at all. So it became very boring. Chloe would find out Clark's secret, but you knew she would have her memory wiped by the end of the episode. Or someone would turn evil and not remember anything later. Barely anything carried from one episode to the next. The gang would save some fellow high school kid's life, hang out with them for an episode, have some heart-to-heart talks, and then never see them again. They wouldn't try to be their friend later? I just find that weird.

5. Let Lex Have Some Fun: Now it would take forever to list every opportunity wasted by Smallville, but this to me is a big one. Smallville is a fantasy-based drama that pretty much allows for any ridiculous scenario to be swallowed by the viewers. This made for some pretty fun episodes, such as the red kryptonite-infected Clark stories, the Jimmy Olsen film noir dream episode, the Chloe forcing everyone to tell her the truth about everything epsiode, and many others. It also led to some pretty terrible episodes (vampire sorority anyone?). Everyone enjoys an episode where someone gets to act out-of-character. Hands down, the best episode of Smallville was the body switching one between Clark and Lionel. Brilliant! It should have lasted a month!

Where am I going with all of this? Ah yes. So there were all these episodes where characters got to act all crazy and fun. But there was never really one where Lex was affected in a fun way by anything. The closest we got was an episode where Lex was split into evil Lex and good Lex (science!), or when he was possessed by Zod. When you have a comedic talent like Michael Rosenbaum on the show, USE HIM! Good lord, the possibilities!

I don't know what disappoints me more, the fact that we never got to see Lex be silly or the fact that we never got to see Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) sing!

6. That Whole Marriage Thing: Remember when Clark married that girl who could teleport? And then she died, like, the next day? She was murdered, actually. Horrifically. It was all very traumatic. The kind of thing that would really mess you up and haunt you.

Unless, apparently, you are Clark Kent. Because guess what Clark pretty much never mentioned ever, ever again before the body was even cold: his dead wife.

I kid you not. Here is Clark one episode later!:

I'm just saying, if you are going to have a storyline that stupid, at least try to make it have some sort of lasting repercussions.

And since we're talking about weddings: how about Lex's? What did we see, like, 3 weddings? At least. He's actually the lamest playboy on Earth. Every girl he holds hands with he marries.

Haha...actually, Smallville's portrayal overall of Lex's crazy, sordid life was pretty hilarious. Remember when Clark learned that Lex had slept with, like, 12 girls in one year or something? And Clark was shocked and disgusted and thought Lex had a sex addiction? Good lord. If anything, I was let down by the low score. Also...that "exclusive underground" strip club where, according to Lex, things happened on stage that were supposedly crazy? But then Clark went to it and Lois was dancing as an amateur stripper (probably one of the worst moments of the show ever) and stripped down to her bikini? Yeah, pretty crazy, Lex.

But I got sidetracked. What I wanted to mention was that Lex's whole engagement and marriage to Lana was gross and dumb. The show is so damn wholesome everyone has to get married.

7. Let Him Fly: for the love of Schuster, why the hell does Smallville have a "no tights, no flights" policy?! It's a show about SUPERMAN. Let the man fly! If I have to watch a politician in a suit flitter around the skies on Heroes, I can certainly handle SUPERMAN flying around Smallville. And the few times we've seen it, it looked kinda cool. Especially when he was ripping the door of Lex's jet.

8. Clark Is a Terrible Person: this is the biggest problem with Smallville. We've seen the evolution of Lex Luthor from weird nerdy rich kid to full-on super villain, and the whole way we've seen Clark relentlessly pushing him closer to the edge. ANYONE would become a villain if they had a friend like Clark Kent. He's a complete and utter douche. His entire relationship with Lex, his alleged "best friend," was based on Clark breaking into his home and demanding favours (and not in a sexy way). And it just. never. stopped. It was the most one-sided relationship ever.

All Lex wanted was someone to like him. To give him a hug or some sign they believed he could be a good person. Clark didn't give him anything close to that, and instead reminded him any chance he could that Lex could not be trusted.

Superman made Lex Luthor by being a complete asshole all the time to him. That's a problem. Frankly, given this back story, I am rooting for Lex for the rest of their eternal struggle.

Sorry, I just had to get all of that off my chest. Now I can forget about Smallville forever.

In conclusion, Tom Welling is not shirtless nearly enough.

Prose: Review of Who Can Save Us Now?, By Johnathan

Took advantage of being home sick to finish reading Who Can Save Us Now?, which I mentioned in my first review of prose way back when. I'm far, far too lazy to see if I mentioned this then, but the theme of the anthology is that it's made up of the stories of brand new superheroes, and it's pretty consistently great. The authors (all new to me, which is extra-terrific as it gives me a passel of new books to check out) approach the idea of superheroism in a fairly diverse set of ways, from looking at old-fashioned rock-'em sock-'em heroics to everyday, trying-to-make-a-difference stuff. I did raise one eyebrow when the first story in the book ("Girl Reporter" by Stephanie Harrell) turned out to be, essentially, about Lois Lane and Superman without any names named, but it was such a damned fine yarn that I ultimately didn't care.

There are a lot of fantastic tales in this collection, in fact. "Nate Pinckney-Alderson, Superhero"(fantastic characterization, especially of the titular youth) by Elizabeth Crane, "Bad Karma Girl Wins at Bingo" (possibly my favourite-as-a-person character in the collection) by Kelly Braffet, "Man Oh Man - It's Manna Man" by George Singleton (best title in the book, and one of the best hero concepts), "The Thirteenth Egg"(coolest costume or equivalent, in my head) by Scott Snyder, etc, etc. As I said, lots of different visions, and nobody took the theme off in a really jarring direction (you know - like there's a themed anthology about desks, and someone writes a stream-of-consciousness drug-inspired novella about a dying yak who spend half a page imagining that he is a desk. Whether or not it's a decent story, you find yourself skipping over it the next time you read the book and the whole thing holds together a lot more coherently without it. Or is that just me?).

Owen King and John McNally - the editors - also put in a good show on the writing front, McNally with "Remains of the Night", about the butler to the super-creepy, Batman-esque Silverfish, and King with "The Meerkat", which is probably my favourite of the stories in the collection. King has the Kurt Busiek-like ability to throw out a few references and imply a whole superhero-filled world. I would love to read actual comic books (preferably about the further adventures of The Meerkat) written by this guy - I do believe that they would be great.

Likewise, I would heartily enjoy hearing more from Jennifer Weiner on the adventures of the characters in "League of Justice (Philidelphia Division)". Though the story itself is open-ended in a way that doesn't strictly require resolution, I would read any followup stories or an expansion to novel-length so hard.

In short: great collection (oops, almost forgot - really nice-looking cover and neato interior illustration, the latter by Chris Burnham), JOHN APPROVED

Addendum: I just looked up a few other reviews of this book, just out of curiosity, and have to say: what the hell is up over at the New York Post? This review, which I implore you not to read unless you have already or never intend to read the book, is possibly the most heinous thing ever. Oh, it's positive, and obviously much more professionally-written than my own written-for-the-fun-of-it efforts, but good lord, sir (sir in this case being a Mr. Brian Doherty), what the hell were you thinking when you chose two quotes that ruined the impact of two of the more affecting stories in the book? It's like going back in time and recommending Star Wars on the basis of the bitchin' "Luke's father" reveal. NOT APPROVED, sir.

Future Zoo: Review of the Giant Mouth-Creature, By Johnathan

Hello again! It's time for the long-awaited review of the Giant Mouth-Creature! I would have done this thang this past weekend but was involved in a series of celebrations of my great-grandmother's 100th birthday - highly JOHN APPROVED.

On to the beast! The Giant Mouth-Creature (or possibly giant Mouth-Creature - the all-caps nature of comics lettering means that we shall never really know) appeared in a single panel in Adventure Comics No. 321, in which various Legionnaires are subjected to physical and mental torture (fun!) to test whether they've got the stones necessary to keep their greatest weapon a secret. Saturn Girl ends being scanned with some sort of mind-reading device, but avoids giving up info by thinking about heroic feats that the Legion has performed, including this little number:

I've got to say: this is pretty weak. I mean, Matter-Eater Lad is my very favourite Legionnaire, but there's a heck of a lot wrong with this situation. First off: what the hell kind of wimps are these aliens? They have this critter lurking around their village, eating trees - not star basketball players, not baby-sitters: trees - and they're so scared of it's wide-mouthed herbivorousness that they have to call in a special guy to eat the trees for them. I was going to wonder why they didn't just kill the Mouth-Creature if it gave them the willies so bad, but I think I just answered my own question: it's because they can't even defeat a tree, let alone an omnivorous-at-worst sphere with lockjaw that doesn't do much more than glare when some dude just waltzes in and eats up it's bedtime snack. I wonder: if M-E Lad takes too long to do the job will they become frightened of him? Do they accuse people sitting next to them on the astro-bus of "Lurking there and frightening me"? Bah. Bah, I say.

The creature itself? Kind of awesome. I can't decide whether I want it to be able to close its mouth or not, but even if it's a permanent thing, that's a fantastic expression of impotent rage that it's wearing as it watches Tenzil snack. Also, those little rubbery legs are great. Again, how could you be frightened of this thing? It looks like something that you could tip over and use as a planter, without calling in Element Lad to adjust the soil's pH or anything. Heck, you could even get all ironic and use it to grow some Red Andal trees in, if you're that sort of person.

Giant Mouth-Creature: JOHN APPROVED. Wussy aliens? NOT APPROVED

All the fun of Batman: Arkham Asylum...now a video game!

According to Newsarama, there is a new Batman video game in the works.

Batman: Arkham Asylum.

I know that, like, 99% of super hero video games suck, and yet I still get excited for each and every one.

I actually liked the Batman Begins game quite a bit. You got to be sneaky and clever, and I like that. This game sounds like it will be scary. Batman meets Silent Hill.

I hope it's actually based directly on the book, and that the Joker hits on Batman in creepy, creepy ways.

So, just in case anyone still cares about Smallville...

As unlikely as this sounds, Smallville will be entering its eighth season this fall. This means it outlasted Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The West Wing, The Sopranos, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Veronica Mars, Arrested Development, and a whole hell of a lot more acclaimed shows.

Lex and Lana are leaving the cast, which makes the list of people who are no longer on a show called Smallville, who really should be on a show called Smallville, a little bit longer.

- Lana Lang

- Lex Luthor

- Pete Ross

- Martha Kent

- Jonathan Kent

That seems kinda wrong to me. Also, Lionel Luthor is gone. So, really, what's the point?

AND...the following characters ARE on a show called Smallville, who really shouldn't be:

- Lois Lane

- Jimmy Olsen

- Martian Manhunter

- Green Arrow

- Doomsday

Well, at least Chloe is still around. And apparently Supergirl isn't going to be back.

Er, I mean...I don't still watch Smallville.

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: Review of Green Guy and Camera Eye, by Johnathan

I have listened to the will of the people, and just under half of them want to hear about some future-losers with super-powers. This poll thing seems to be working all right, so I'll be keeping it up for a while - not necessarily in any consistent format, mind you.

Today we'll look at a couple of guys from way, way back in the day (Adventure Comics No. 307, that's how way). I've been kind of putting off discussing them for a while now, not because they're not rich and fascinating topics for online pontification but because they've only got one panel of action - their combined in-continuity adventures span one-third of one page. Thankfully, on further investigation I found that a full two-thirds of the page in question was suitable for discussion, so the Internet will get to hear my opinions after all!

Here's the Legion, fresh from an encounter with the arch-pirate Roxxas, who has been flying around with his band of cutthroats stealing simply everything in sight - seriously, he goes to one planet and basically ends up making off with all of their light bulbs. The Legionnaires are concerned that they don't have the numbers to take on this murderous, awful, bloodthirsty crew, so they hit upon the idea of signing up a few new recruits, presumably as cannon fodder. Note that Invisible Kid is wearing that same black-hair-and-yellow-jumpsuit number that he was sporting during the Dynamo Kid audition. Colouring error or early-onset midlife crisis ("Bright colours - bright colours are young, right? And... and I'll dye my hair black! Get a sporty hover-car, a sexy Durlan ladyfriend - nobody'll ever guess that I'm an old man of seventeen.)?

Having neglected to give a name, this youngster is variously identified as Green Boy, Green Guy and possibly Green Lad. Me, I figure that anyone who bothers to inject himself with chemicals until he gets a side-effect that qualifies as a super-power just (I assume) so's he can apply for a club is going to think up something a bit more grandiose than that. Lime Lad? Emerald Ed? Ral Kint, the Chlorochromaticistic Kid? Guess we'll never know, though, so I'm going with Green Guy, 'cause it's short and I like alliteration.

Green Guy might - just might - be the most delusional person ever to walk away from Legion HQ with a consolation flight belt. He's at least in the running beside Rann Antar. Check him out: from the explanation that he has just given I am lead to believe that his powers affect only the world around him. I mean, he's not turning green, that's for sure. So a) why the hell is he decked out in blue and orange when a quick trip to the Army/Navy Surplus (Stormtrooper/Spacefleet Surplus) could at least lend a little weight to his argument and b) how the hell is that any use in camouflage? Even on a world with green foliage, wouldn't that field of greenifying rays just make him easier to spot? He'd just be this blue-and-orange figure at the centre of a blobby field of green. Boo, Green Guy, boo. You're lucky that Sun Boy was feeling uncharacteristically kind and let you down easy with that "Different planets have different leaves." excuse. On any other tryout day he'd just roar "REJECTED!" and set your hair on fire.

NOT APPROVED

Next up is Camera Eye (again, best guess on the name), a comparatively normal youth. Amusingly, he is green. Man, I got so worked up about Green Guy that I'm a bit spent on the old "Making fun of guys" front. Okay, here goes: Camera Eye, you'd have maybe the barest hint of a chance of getting into the Legion as some sort of living sex-tape maker or something if you weren't such a liar. At the risk of sounding like exactly the kind of pedantic nerd that I am: when the hell did Superboy ever meet Bizarro? Never, that's when, you liar. Oh, he met Bizarro Superboy, sure, but that's clearly a bizarro Superman up there. Go on home, Camera Eye. Go home and watch videos of yourself crying in the mirror. Jerk.

Nice shirt, though. Still, NOT APPROVED.

And I just threw this one in because Element Lad's costume looks pretty nifty with that question mark on it. And the lad himself looks particularly elfin, I must say. Also: surprisingly jaunty for someone who recently became the only one of his kind.

Away!