Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: A Supergirl Week Special Review of Satan Girl, By Johnathan

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Ha-ha! After dragging out for more than a month, the thrilling conclusion to the gripping drama that is the review of the ever-mysterious Concentrator has been preempted due to my love of participating in the theme weeks that Rachelle occasionally proclaims from her mighty throne over at Living Between Wednesdays. Naturally, I chose to write about Supergirl palling around with the Legion of Super-Heroes, and in an eerie bit of synchronicity, the first Supergirl/Legion story that I felt like writing about - and that Super Future Friends hadn't already talked about much better than I ever could - was Adventure Comics No. 313, featuring Satan Girl, winner of the last Paul and John poll!
That sentence was too long and convoluted!

Okay, Satan Girl! 
The story opens on various female Legionnaires, doing their regular Legion business:
Lightning Lass, surprisingly, is actually using her powers in a logical, useful and helpful way, instead of breaking my ability to suspend disbelief by, say, using giant lightning bolts to pick up trash or entertain the elderly by making hobos dance. Suddenly: illness!
Saturn Girl gets sick, too, possibly due to those gross eye-tentacles. Or the discoloured patch on that old diplomat's crotch.
Note, though, that she's doing useful, important work, too. Could this be the beginning of a new era of respect and equality in the Legion?
Well, I'm not saying that this is a positive "No.", this is a bit suspicious. Frankly, it sounds like the setup for an elaborate prank. "And then I turned on the engines! It was awesome! She was so embarrassed that I haven't seen her since, though I did find one of her shoes on the roof for some reason."
Even poor Night Girl is affected, when she comes over to help look after the sick'uns:
Sheesh, really? Quarantine World? Well, I suppose it is contagious... yeah, quarantine can't hurt, even if it doesn't seem to be much worse than a bad case of mono.
Okay, that's pretty harsh, Superboy. Seriously, they don't seem that bad. Look, they can stand up, all by themselves! 
This is why Superboy isn't allowed in the Smallville Old Folks' Home any more, by the way.
("Happy Thanksgiving, you're all doomed! Old and doomed! Let's hope you can finish your turkey before you die!)
So, the female Legionnaires are all sick and exiled. Then:
Satan Girl shows up! Satan Girl! 
Satan Girl!

This is... this is just the worst idea anyone ever had. Seriously, she might have had a slightly better chance of getting into the Legion if her name was Bad-touch Lass, or Kid Hate-crime. Or Duck-Murderer Damsel. Even circa 1992, a character named Satan Girl would have a tough time getting into the Legion - I think that the best she might hope for would be a solo gig as a "troubled loner". With a dark, secret past. 
And yet she's upset when she doesn't get in. Despite her impressive cheekbones, Satan Girl just isn't the sharpest peach in the pie. Note, for example, the immediate confession of evil deeds.
The Legion is thwarted, since they only have the one ship, and certainly don't have access to teleportation or time-travel technology (or the awesome might of the Concentrator, which remains a secret, bwa-ha).
(damn it, I forgot to add a joke about Sun Boy being the one who's shouting "Grab her!" Please supply your own juvenile snicker-fest, this time)
Since Superboy and Mon-El are off doing stuff, the Legion calls in Supergirl, and makes her Honorary Legion Leader because she's the only one tough enough to take on Satan Girl. All the boys wear their best doofy grins to meet her.
I sure do like these robot-nurses - they're exposition machines! I bet they make that little non-joke about knowing their professions about three hundred times per day - note the expression on Saturn Girl's face.
Hey... I just noticed that the robots have skirts on. Because... because they're nurses? I guess I am more attracted to them now that I know that they're female, so I'll let it pass.
That's how I want to go - spewing exposition to the very end. Rest in peace, foxy robot lady.
Anyway, it's time for the most important part of this comic: 
GIRL FIGHT!
FLASH! WHIRL! SOCK! POW! Time for a hug!
Aw, Supergirl. Heat vision is against the Girl Fight rules. Round One to Satan Girl.
Actually, I'm pretty impressed with how this scrap was handled. Satan Girl's hair-pull in the above panel was the only "girly" move pulled by either contestant. And frankly, if someone was trying to eye-laser a mask off of my face? I'd be doing some hair-pulling, too.
Since Supergirl figures that Satan Girl must be a rogue Kryptonian of some kind (and surely not a Daxamite or any of  thirty or forty other super-powered races that've shown up by this point) she rounds up some still-incredibly-common-even-in-the-future kryptonite, to... well, when you get right down to it, to give Satan Girl a dose of radiation sickness. That's actually really harsh, Supergirl.
Too bad for Supergirl: Satan Girl is immune to the effects of kryptonite. Which is good, actually, because since that box was full of dust it's probably all through her clothes and in her lungs and everywhere - if she were Kryptonian, she'd totally be dead, I think. 
Also luckily for Supergirl, Satan Girl hides in a cave, instead of coming over for another super-hug. Supergirl cunningly waits out front...
... while Satan Girl blasts out the back! Damn, Supergirl - I think that Satan Girl is winning on points, so far. But can she keep up the pace and unleash enough dastardly maneuvers to win this one? We'll see, in Part 2!
Okay, forks. I'll see you in a day or so for the stirring conclusion - soon you will know the mysterious, unguessable secret of just who Satan Girl is!
Happy Supergirl Week, one and all.

Supergirl Plays Cupid

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Here's a little story about a time where Supergirl gets tired of living in an orphanage and resorts to drastic measures in hopes that she can get the hell out of there. It's from Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #14 (1960).

Oh, calm down Lois. It's Superman. What's he going to do? Take all those waterskiiers back to his tour bus after the show?

How often does Supergirl spy on Lois?

Aaahh!! Those eyes! They will haunt me forever!

So this is how desperate and crazy poor Supergirl has gotten. And here's her plan:

Alright! Way to beat Superman at his own game! This is the sort of crap he would normally be pulling on Lois, because Superman loves nothing more than making Lois think she's crazy. Here's my favourite one:

Ahahahaha! A coffee pot! Nice one, Supergirl!

Also..."Severe Kitchen Ware."

So Superman decides that he might possibly be in love with Lois. Which I never thought was the issue. I thought he just didn't want to put her in danger so he never acted on his feelings. Right?

Well, anyway:

"Perry said I could borrow his pleasure schooner any time I want."

I'll bet he did.

Good lord! Look at the size of Perry's pleasure schooner! How much does the editor of the Daily Planet make?!

Back to the date...
Those are some unorthodox cooking classes they are teaching at the Midvale Orphanage.

Holy crap, Lois! Do you want to date Superman or not? Because sometimes Superman has to go save lives, alright?

And now it's time for Supergirl to make some romance happen:

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

What?! No! Ok, look Superman. It's one thing to suddenly decide not to propose to a lady, but you should NOT tell her that you were just about to propose but decided not to because she fell in the water. That's just cold. As is flying away suddenly, leaving Lois alone on a boat.

Superman feels kinda bad the next day, and decides to go apologize:

What?! That TRAMP!

"Love, Batman." I just melted. I know it's not really him writing that card, but still...

I have to say, this is bold for Supergirl. Especially since she hasn't actually met Batman yet. At least not that we've seen.

No! If anyone is going to be his Bat-Queen it's going to be me!!!

Ohhhhh dear. Now you've done it, Supergirl.

Oh, you Super-heel!

Well, it turns out that Superman was playing along the whole time:

"I'll never interfere with Cousin Superman's romantic life again!"

Well, at least not until your next appearance, when Superman makes you pretend to be his fiance. And it is just as creepy as it sounds. But I already talked about that story way back here.

The Supergirl From Krypton Meets Her Asshole Cousin!

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I think the logical starting point for Supergirl Week is with her first appearance in Action Comics #252. I think Superman's initial treatment of Supergirl is one of the greatest (fictional) injustices of all time. Let's have a look:

Superman is just about to smash the missile to bits until he realizes that there's a person inside:

Ok, Superman in that third panel? Amazing. He goes from being totally shocked in the previous panel to being completely calm and thoughtful. And skeptical.

"I'm from Krypton!"
"Nope."

Man, Supergirl is just so cute in that last panel. Seriously. And I love Superman's off-panel babbling.

Supergirl cheerfully proceeds to tell the tragic tale of her family's short-lived escape from Krypton. And when she's done, Superman is shocked to learn something else:

How quickly he pulls his hand away.

So this is pretty great, right? Superman, who has been alone on this Earth for so long with no family and believing he is the last of his race learns he has a cousin! And she's here!

Yay! This will be perfect! She can live with Superman and they can bond and he'll help her adjust to life on Earth after the tragic and sudden loss of her family and equally-traumatizing solitary voyage through space!

Right?

"Yeaaaahhhhh...about that...see, I have a really small apartment, and y'know...I'm pretty busy. I can't really take care of a kid right now...I've got a lot on my plate...and the place is a mess, really..."

But don't worry! Superman has a "great idea" for her life on Earth! It's not like he's a douche or anything...

WHAT?! That is not a "great idea," Superman. That is actually the worst idea.

SERIOUSLY?! An ORPHANAGE?! After all she's been through?! What do you credit your heroism to, Superman? I'll tell you: your loving parents who adopted you when you crashed to Earth. So why do you think this is ok?

Superman gets some clothes to make his cousin less hot. He feels much better now.

Hey, you know what a good Earth girl name is? Kara.

Let's see what name she picks:

DC doesn't think much of its readers. They remind us that Linda Lee is Supergirl in the very next panel.

I also want to comment on Superman's story: wouldn't the guy at the orphanage want more information about that "big disaster that wiped out her whole community"? Wouldn't something like that have made the news?

Poor, poor Supergirl. She probably thinks this is how it goes on Earth. "Sure thing, Superman. Even though I am just as powerful as you, I will live in this godforsaken orphanage and remain unseen until you need me. Just let me know! I'll be right here...wearing this wig...alone..."

Her first Super Job? Cleaning her room!!!

Man that sucks.

No, Supergirl. No. You can't use your x-ray vision for spying on other kids. Also: you are disobeying Superman, actually, and I approve.

Proud of your cousin, eh? Maybe you should read some Superboy comics. He isn't the greatest friend in the world. You should talk to a guy named Mon-El.

Oh, Supergirl. Just you wait! I got two words for you: Flying Cat!

Supergirl is (finally) awesome!

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I feel bad that I didn't get a chance to post any reviews this week. Mostly because this week saw the release of Supergirl #34, which was the debut issue for the new creative team.

Sterling Gates takes on the writing, and Jamal Igle provides the art. I had very high hopes for this issue, and I was not disappointed.

Since the latest Supergirl title began, it has been struggling to say the least. The problem really starts with Jeph Loeb's hasty introduction of the new version of the character in Superman/Batman. She appeared in one storyline in that title, where her character basically had two defining traits:

1. Hot
2. Angry

I'm not going to waste precious blogspace recounting that story, but let me say for the record that it is pretty much my least favourite storyline in any comic ever.

So you may recall a somewhat desperate plea made by DC in January, 2007 in the form of a DC Nation column asking female readers to please, please, pretty please read Supergirl. And you may recall that it upset me. (Unfortunately, the original column is no longer available online).

I haven't read that post in a really long time. Man, I was really angry! Oh to be 26 again. So young and full of ideals.

Anyway, the jist of the post is that I would not ever read an issue of Supergirl because it's a bad comic and I don't care about the character because she sucks and she's just some gross male fantasy character with no personality.

I was speaking entirely of the current version of Supergirl only, not the one who gave her life for us during the first Crisis.

THE POINT is that I never, ever thought I would take an interest in the current Supergirl because I was certain that DC would never write her in a way that would make me happy.

Skip ahead to the present, and I have had Supergirl on my pull list for the past several months. I've been buying it for at least a year. While it is true that there was a definite attempt made by DC to improve the comic and the character, and her comics have been getting increasingly better, I wouldn't say that the mission had been accomplished until this week.

As of this week, Supergirl is not only being written by someone who has the skills to really flesh out a complicated character, she also has a book and a storyline that will be closely linked to both Action Comics and Superman. Her book and her character both truly matter now, and what's more important: Supergirl herself matters.

And she's no longer just Supergirl. She has FINALLY gotten around to adopting an alterego, which means we'll be able to see her develop more as a person. One of my biggest complaints about Supergirl is that she arrives on Earth as a young adult and immediately becomes a full-time superhero. The fact that she vividly remembers Krypton and her family there, or that she is struggling to adjust to life on Earth, is not addressed nearly enough. Except when we're told that her father actually sent her to Earth to kill Superman. Which I hate.

I see Supergirl as a Buffy-esque character. She lived most of her life without superpowers, then suddenly gained them and is immediately expected to know how to use them. She struggles to make friends and she always feels like an outside or a failure. She has to make important decisions, but isn't quite sure enough of herself yet to make them without someone else's approval. And she also doesn't quite understand her limitations. She doesn't understand why she can't fix everything, as we saw in the latest storyline that had her desperately trying to cure a boy's cancer.

In the past year, Supergirl has gone from being my least favourite character in the DCU, to being one of my very favourite. And I have high hopes that the Supergirl comic will become one of my favourite books as well.

I just want to share a few panels from the new issue. The set-up is that Cat Grant has written a trashy negative article about Supergirl and now the public have an even lower opinion of our hero:


Oh man. Poor Supergirl. She was so pleased with herself and then some jerk threw a soda in her face.

It's a good thing Superman shows up with some coffee and some kind words:

Awwww...I wish Superman would bring me coffee.

All these positive Supergirl vibes have inspired me to launch a theme week here at Living Between Wednesdays. From now until next Monday (Canadian Thanksgiving!) it will be...

And I encourage other bloggers to post Supergirl-themed posts as well! Supergirl Week is a celebration for all!

In summary, Supergirl #34 is awesome and I encourage you all to pick it up. Especially if you are enjoying Geoff Johns' run on Action Comics (and if you aren't then I cannot be friends with you).

High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Concentrator, Part 3, By Johnathan

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Wa-ha-ha! I didn't forget about this, nope nope. Wasn't it cute back when I thought I'd get around to doing it all over the Labour Day weekend? Oh, One-Month-Younger John. Such an innocent. 
Oh! This seems to be the appropriate place to report that I picked up Jimmy Olsen No. 72, "The World of Doomed Olsens" last week. In terms of Legion chronology, this is probably as close to owning Adventure Comics No. 247 as I'm ever going to get, so I'm savouring it for all it's worth.
On to the merriment and interrogation!
We open with Saturn Girl, who as you may recall (strain those memories, folks, it was a while ago) had Superboy pretty worried, due to the fact that she had a whole 'nother way to screw up and give away the Legion's secrets... with her mind!

Okay, okay. I guess that the thought-sensing headband validates some of Superboy's kind-of-chauvinistic-seeming fears (though I don't quite see why the Commish didn't just slap that thing on and question Ultra Boy, say. He'd just have to wait for nature to take its course). 
But, surprisingly, Saturn Girl is ready for this particular tactic, and so starts thinking about the fantastic feats of the Legion to keep the oh-so-tantalizing secret of the Concentrator to herself.
(note: the Commissioner has placed Saturn Girl under a Joan Crawford beam)
Let's watch:
Not a bad trick (and look! My favourite gloves!) but I'm tormented by thoughts of where exactly he got that giant net. If this were a Batman comic of the same era I'd guess that it was from a billboard or something - maybe this particular distant world caters to off-planet fishing enthusiasts?
Also, that looks like a really awkward way to stand, particularly whilst straddling a city.
By Jove, is that G'nort?

So is Invisible Kid juggling too, or is he just moving a couple of extra balls in circles in the air? Either way, I guess that it would be a pretty good show, especially if he was trying to make the leap from 'busker' to 'soothsayer' - it's possible that someone flubbed the briefing on that mission, as far as explaining the fact that there are a few different kinds of magician out there.
Note the brilliant, Batman-esque use of disguise, as Element Lad puts on a suit coat over his uniform.
I would bet a hundred dollars that this "feat" was just a ploy to keep these two lunkheads out of trouble. I dare someone to claim that the Legion doesn't have a closet packed full of Meteor Simulation Guns or cages full of Andorran Fireball Hornets or something like that, for just such an occasion. 
The bit with Matter-Eater Lad and the Giant Mouth Creature happens here too, by the way.
Again: Superboy is proven to be a big tool.
Okay, Mon-El! Step up to the torture-plate!
I like Mon-El, but this sort of thing is why I don't think we could be close friends. 
"Hey Mon-El, could you turn up the heat? It's freezing in here!"
"Whoops, sorry. I'm invulnerable to everything - I didn't notice the cold."
"Mon-El, man, your couch is really uncomfortable. I think that every single spring is poking through."
"Damn, John, I'm sorry. When you're invulnerable to everything, so is your ass."
"Ag! Watch your cigarette, Mon-El! You almost set my shirt on fire!"
"Yeah, that happens a lot when you're invulnerable to everything. Shirt-fires are just another part of your day."
Speaking of friends:
I'm guessing that either Planet Zirr is some sort of haven for particularly dull-witted aliens or that Garl and Englen are super high in this panel, because they are way too happy about the situation that they are in. "Mon-El! Word up, brah! I see you're hangin' out in some poison gas - still enjoying being invulnerable to everything, huh? Man, Garl and me, we were just talking about you yesterday, just before we got kidnapped by this orange guy here, and now here you are, in some orange gas! It's like, kismet or something!"
Actually, maybe only Englen is high. Garl looks more scornful than anything else, like he's been kidnapped and used as a pawn to try to get his invulnerable friends to spill the beans about super-weapons dozens of times and they've all been more impressive than this.
I'm choosing to ignore the fact that the Legion has the technology necessary to take photos of the past and am instead picturing Superboy doing a brief photo-essay on his dying friend before sticking him in the Phantom Zone. 
That's just terrible, Superboy.
Good lord! this picture is worse than that one of Shrinking Violet! Mon-El looks like he just saw his puppy get run over by a clone of his puppy, who then got sent to prison, leaving him puppyless. He looks real upset, man.
The fact that he didn't point out their abnormal happiness is proof of everything I said up there. I feel so validated!
Last one for today. Phantom Girl!:
Given the emotional state of most Legionnaires (about as prone to melodrama as any three Dawson's Creek characters, combined), this is a pretty good tactic. Those kids'll turn on each other more readily than they'll make out at the behest of the big computer. It's worse than turning your back on a rooster, I swear.
Et tu, Saturn Girl? 
On the strange note of Superboy being the level-headed voice of trust and solidarity, I leave you. No promises, but I'll try to wrap this interminable review up soon (projected completion date: June 2012).