Doctor Doom Takes Off to the Great White North.

Why has Doctor Doom come to Canada?

a) To demand that Rush add Latverian dates to their latest tour;
b) To meet his favourite Degrassi character (Wheels);
c) To stock up on Clone High DVDs;
d) Ketchup chips

Alright, it's none of the above. It's actually because he's thirsty.

Well that seems reasonable. But of course he completely ruins everything by doing something evil.

I was inspired to post these panels from ALPHA FLIGHT #91 mainly because of this page, which I think is a fine example of diplomacy that I think the G-20 leaders could learn something from.

"And if they are not available, VICTOR VON DOOM demands that it be Bret 'The Hitman' Hart. DOOM would also not mind some maple-smoked bacon."

How awesome do you have to be to get that sort of lightshow happening when you talk?

I Hope They Put Bloodstrike In The Sequel.

One of the weirdest, couldn’t-make-this-up-if-you-tried announcements to come out of this February’s New York ComiCon was the news that Brett Ratner—the director of shameless popcorn fare like the RUSH HOUR trilogy, the third X-MEN installment, and the wholly unnecessary new adaptation of Thomas Harris’s RED DRAGON (to see it done right, check out Michael Mann’s somewhat dated but otherwise excellent MANHUNTER), was now lined up to direct a feature film based on Rob Liefeld’s YOUNGBLOOD. Not to be confused with the 1986 Rob Lowe hockey movie of the same name, YOUNGBLOOD was the inaugural title from the newly-formed Image Comics in 1992. Liefeld’s superteam ensemble has endured as a symbol of everything that sucked about the early nineties in comics, with its cast of characters seemingly cherry-picked from every superhero book of the previous decade  (a formula that would go on to serve WILDC.A.T.S., CYBERFORCE, and their assorted spin-offs well), its multiple covers and multimedia tie-ins, including action figures and an aborted animated series (well underway before even six issues had even been released), and a first issue that was supposedly a “hot” commodity, even though everybody who could ever possibly want one bought multiple copies anyway. Oh yes, there was also the art and story—Liefeld the artist is best known for tiny, triangular feet, speed lines in lieu of backgrounds, muscles that swell like sausage casings about to burst, and a range of facial expressions that include “angry”, “surprised”, some combination of the two, and not much else. And the writing! How bad is the writing? Image recently released an “Anniversary” hardcover compilation of the first several issues, with new dialogue by Joe Casey to replace the original script by Liefeld and Hank Kanalz. That’s gotta be some kind of first.

The announcement of a Ratner YOUNGBLOOD feature being developed was a bit of a shock at first, and the kind of story that sounded like some kind of elaborate, early April Fools’ Day prank—the director who, more than any other, makes film nerds’ collective blood boil, teaming with the artist whose name is the first to pop up when you type the phrase “Most Hated Man In Comics” into a search engine. However, upon reflection, there are a few things to consider before getting too worked up.

First, there is very little chance of a YOUNGBLOOD movie actually getting made. Comics are optioned all the time without ever materializing. The late 1980s magazine COMICS SCENE used to have a lengthy section at the back of each issue detailing which comics had been optioned by what studio, and who was attached to direct or star. I’d say maybe 4-5% of those films were ever made, and I might be being a bit generous—I don’t have the actual figures in front of me, but it was not uncommon to pick up an issue and read about the development of a CONCRETE feature, or how Francis Ford Coppola was THIS CLOSE to making a DOCTOR STRANGE movie. Even Liefeld, quite the Hollywood player in his heyday, has been down this road a few times already. He once created a comic series called DOOM’S IV, a thinly-veiled knockoff of THE FANTASTIC FOUR, for Steven Spielberg’s Amblin Entertainment. The comic was supposed to form the basis for a big-budget feature, but it never materialized. A few years later, he was said to be developing a property called THE MARK for Will Smith to eventually star in, featuring a premise that borrowed heavily from Marvel’s STAR BRAND series, which in turn owed a lot to DC’s GREEN LANTERN franchise (see a pattern forming here?), but again, the project languished in development hell. More recently, Liefeld was said to be working on a project with J-Lo’s production company—something about a sexy shrink for superheroes—but…well, you figure it out. The most likely possibility is that YOUNGBLOOD: THE MOVIE will see the light of day around the same time as that long-promised BLACK PANTHER movie with Wesley Snipes or IRON FIST starring Ray Park. You know, the guy who played Darth Maul? You’d pay good money to see that, right?

Second, if Ratner, or anyone for that matter, actually does the unthinkable and makes a YOUNGBLOOD movie, it will most likely bear little to no resemblance to the comic that spawned it. It’s much easier to imagine Ratner delivering a movie about a high-tech group of government operatives than a big, colourful, superhero movie. To be fair, the team in the comics was a government-sponsored organization, but I imagine the costumes and superpowers would probably get tossed in favour of guns and armour and the like. It’s cheaper, easier, and less ridiculous-looking—in fact, I’m sure it’s this type of thinking that led to WANTED looking nothing like the comic it was allegedly based on, and is just as likely behind the G.I. JOE movie due out this summer. The cast of the YOUNGBLOOD comic aren’t exactly household names (for most people, the name Shaft will conjure up images of Richard Roundtree rather than a guy whose bow has no string), and the comic is far, far from respected even among the fan community, so I’m pretty sure no one will mind if more than a few liberties are taken. Liefeld won’t even care, I’m sure, so long as the check clears.

However, one possibility still occurs to me—a remote one at best, but one that carries with it a certain masochistic thrill: what if Brett Ratner, rather than running from the comic book’s, ahem, distinct visual stylings, embraced them? What if he pulled a Robert Rodriguez or a Zack Snyder and did his level best to replicate YOUNGBLOOD on the movie screen exactly as it appeared in Rob Liefeld’s comics? Utilizing the actual panels from the comics themselves as virtual storyboards, Ratner could make YOUNGBLOOD: THE MOTION PICTURE the most faithful comic book-to-screen adaptation since SIN CITY or 300. Think about it--with state-of-the-art prosthetic makeup appliances, the actors could be made to look uncannily similar to Liefeld’s depictions, with jutting pectoral muscles that resemble matronly bosoms, chins so square you could cut your finger on them, and eyeballs that sometimes have pupils, but often don’t for some reason. CGI could be utilized to bring specific panels to life in widescreen glory, with nary a poorly-drawn background or physically impossible pose compromised. It would be the most gaudy, horrifying, and insane-looking motion picture in history, and it would almost certainly bomb at the box office. But dammit, it would be honest. Obviously, I have no expectations of anything remotely resembling this scenario taking place, but it sure would be more funny and interesting than what we’ll likely see if this movie ever gets made.

And hey, at the very least, Ratner could always hire Joe Casey to rewrite the dialogue for an “Anniversary Edition” fifteen years later.
 

Archie Sunday: Archie Plays to Win

Tired of mere threesomes, Archie devises a way to make Spin the Bottle more exciting:

Henchman Fashion File: The Birdmaster's Feathery Thugs

Hello folks and welcome to my first Saturday post for Living Between Wednesdays, where I share all of the odd things that I have found whilst reading hundreds and hundreds of comics from any number of metallic ages. Mad props to Rachelle for organizing the whole thing (though why she wouldn’t take my suggestion to name it “Rachelle and John and Tiina and Dave Review” I’ll never know), to her husband Matt for all of his excellent design-work and to my long-time pal and former blog-partner Paul for putting the whole thing together.

 

In honour of the occasion, I’m inaugurating a new feature in which I’ll critique the design choices made by super-villains of yesteryear when outfitting their henchmen. We’ll be looking at these costumes for utility, attractiveness and budget, as well as taking a look at the final fate of the head honcho involved, just to see if attention to detail in henchman-costume-design translates to long-term criminal success. Maybe someday I’ll do a chart, I don’t know.

 

The Villain: The Birdmaster! Appearing in Detective Comics No 348, this vaguely Middle Eastern evildoer used giant trained condors and eagles to shut down air travel around Gotham city in order to… collect ransom? Steal things? If this sentence is still here then I didn’t bother to go back and check. Actually, I did check: as far as I know this guy had no goal whatsoever. He was just... jealous? He didn't want anybody else using the sky.

 

 

The Henchmen: They never really get a name, but a couple of times they get referred to as Feathery Thugs, so that’s what I’m calling them. Let me tell you: these guys might prove the theories about henchmen having really low self-esteem.

 

 

 

Attractiveness of Costume: Not very. Aside from the fact that they break Blockade Boy’s “long sleeves with bare legs is verboten” rule, the only thing that I think of when I see these things is “bad Hawkman cosplay”. I think that the best explanation for this is that it’s like in a fantasy novel when the villain saunters into the nearest half-assed evil cult and takes over by killing the leader. Birdmaster obviously must have offed the president of the Gotham chapter of the Carter Hall Appreciation Society so as to have thematically-appropriate minions. Of course, he could just have horrible design sense. Whichever.

 

1/5

 

Utility of Costume:  I don’t know if any consideration of the day-to-day duties of a thug passed through the mind of whoever created these things. Look at how they all have their arms held stiffly out to the side, even the guys with the net, kinda. I bet that those feathers fall off really easily and double-bet that these guys are never going to learn how to fly. Also, remember the first Tim Burton Batman movie, how Michael Keaton had to turn his whole torso to look to the left or right? You can’t tell me that these guys aren’t doing that constantly. Even if they weren’t obviously incompetent fighters, these outfits would do a fine job of making them so.

 

However:

 

 

Nose-mounted knockout gas dispensers are a very nice touch. I could almost believe that the costumes were deliberately designed to look stupid so that this bit of cleverness would come as a surprise. Looking at the rest of the Birdmaster’s half-assed operation (his plane, for example, is not only not shaped like a bird but doesn’t even have a bird painted on it) I think that that might be giving him too much credit.

 

2/5

 

Budget for Costumes: I’d say that there’s a pretty good chance that those feathers are made out of construction paper, an excellent chance that the eagle heads are made of papier mache, and I’m near-certain that the whole thing was put together in the Birdmaster’s garage on a rainy day, possibly to get the henchmen out of his hair for a few hours so he could have a relaxing bath.

 

1/5

 

Chance for Bonus Points: Does the Villain Have a Lieutenant With a Marginally-Cooler Costume and Possibly a Name?: Nope.

 

So, out of an arbitrarily-decided fifteen possible Henchman Costume Points, Birdmaster scored a 4. And what was the final fate of this Sultan of the Skies? (see if there’s another one of these in the comic)

 

 

 

Hmmm…

 

(these costumes are NOT APPROVED, by the way)

Steve Rogers, Starving Himself To Be Pretty

Several of this week’s Marvel offerings had a teaser image in them that showed a white star on a black page with the word JULY underneath. This is probably just an ad for THE MARVELS PROJECT, Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting’s upcoming mini about the early days of the Super-Soldier Project and the creation of the original Human Torch, but it’s obviously supposed to make everyone think that Steve Rogers is coming back. And who knows? Maybe he is. Probably sooner rather than later. However, I’m pretty sure that this is the same gag Marvel pulled when they released an Alex Ross Cap image awhile back with the word RETURN underneath…which turned out to be nothing more than a teaser for the AVENGERS/INVADERS mini. My point is, it’s not enough to simply kill a character off anymore—as a publisher, it is also apparently your job to begin teasing the character’s return almost immediately. It’s like that story in THE ONION compilation, OUR DUMB CENTURY, reporting on the death of Elvis; the headline reads “ELVIS DEAD”, with the words “Is Elvis Alive?” underneath. None of this may seem very relevant, but I am going to review both a new CAPTAIN AMERICA comic and the comic that reintroduces Barry Allen to the land of the living, so as introductions go, it seems fairly solid. Anyway…

CAPTAIN AMERICA COMICS  #1 70th ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL: This is basically the opening sequence from INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, but with horrifyingly skinny, pre-Super-Soldier-Serum Steve Rogers instead of River Phoenix. In this flashback-within-a-flashback, Steve Rogers—who is always depicted as little more than a walking skeleton before Dr. Erskine juiced him up...

...has to keep a military secret safe from a trio of Fifth Columnists. Like in LAST CRUSADE, Steve is chased across a bunch of train cars, even using a garbage can lid as a makeshift shield at one point. It’s a cute enough story by James Robinson, one of those “he was a hero before he got the costume” dealies (albeit one that stretches credibility a fair ways—Steve’s pretty able-bodied for a 98-pound weakling who only minutes before was labeled 4-F at the recruiting station!), but the reason to check it out is the always-outstanding Marcos Martin (BATGIRL YEAR ONE, DR. STRANGE: THE OATH) on the art. This guy needs a regular gig, stat. There’s also a great Simon and Kirby Cap reprint where he and Bucky foil a villain named the Black Toad, who’s out to kill a bunch of baseball players.

Check it out! Those dudes are totally sliding into their own tombstones, and Death's like, "You're outta here!" This forces Cap and Bucky to join the game, which is undeniably awesome, although they never question why a guy who calls himself the Black Toad is dressed in a bat costume.

Yep, fangs and everything.

FLASH: REBIRTH #1: After Geoff Johns and Ethan Van Sciver’s super-successful relaunch of the GREEN LANTERN franchise a few years back, it’s no surprise that DC wanted them to do the same with Silver Age FLASH protagonist Barry Allen. It makes sense on a number of levels, really—like Hal Jordan before him, Barry’s the Flash with the least amount of continuity baggage and the most easily explainable origin. Also, comic books regularly sold in the millions back in the heyday of Hal and Barry, so why wouldn’t you try to recapture that? This, however, is a very different animal than GL: REBIRTH, since Barry already came back to life in FINAL CRISIS, with some sort of hasty explanation that involved him being “reverse-engineered back to life in a blizzard of faster-than-light particles” or some such. The mission of this 5-part mini seems to be the re-establishment of Barry as the DC Universe’s most prominent speedster, which, it seems, may require some pruning of the family tree. Let’s face it, the DCU is lousy with speedsters young and old, and the creative team seems intent on scaling back the cast, hopefully giving Flash back some of his uniqueness. This is a potentially controversial move, but I think it’s necessary—the last two FLASH incarnations failed because they started out with too-cluttered mythologies (that’s my theory, anyway). So this book sees Barry Allen, still clinging steadfastly to his old-fashioned notions of guilt and innocence, eager to get back to fighting the good fight, while the re-appearance of super-villain Savitar seems to indicate that something is up with the Speed Force (the otherdimensional source of all the speedsters’ power). For a FLASH title, this is a pretty slow-moving first issue, cycling through tons of supporting cast before introducing its title character, and Van Sciver’s hyper-detailed art doesn’t really convey the sense of movement that a FLASH title desperately needs. I’m as happy to see Barry back as most fanboys, but this franchise may not, er, find its feet until the inevitable ongoing title (much like Johns’ GREEN LANTERN did, say).

SEAGUY: SLAVES OF MICKEY EYE #1: The original 2004 SEAGUY miniseries was one of those Grant Morrison comics like THE FILTH (or FINAL CRISIS, even) where, as a Morrison fan, I just shrug and go along for the ride, not really understanding what the hell’s going on half the time but enjoying it nonetheless. The three-issue mini, illustrated with whimsy and creepiness by Toronto artist Cameron Stewart, seemed to be Morrison’s satire on the absurdity of superhero comics--the protagonist lived in a science-fiction amusement park, repeatedly playing chess with a goofy, easily-cheated Death, all the while bemoaning the lack of excitement in a world where the ultimate evil, Anti-Dad, had been destroyed by the sacrifice of somebody called Teknostrich. SEAGUY was also some strange parody of corporate domination, featuring an omnipresent logo/mascot/TV show called Mickey Eye and a sentient foodstuff called Xoo that is offered to the book’s bored, complacent superhero characters at every turn. The book’s namesake hero went on a doomed quest to save Xoo from corporate/industrial slavery, trying to win the heart of heroine She-beard along the way. Oh yeah, and there was a mummy on the moon as well. Still with me? This long-rumoured but unlikely sequel kicks off with Seaguy realizing once again that his amusement park world might be a lot more sinister than it appears, while Seaguy’s lost sidekick Chubby Da Choona appears from beyond the grave to offer cryptic warnings that soon send Seaguy off another crazy quest, pursued by the forces of Mickey Eye. If this description has you rolling your eyes, than SEAGUY is probably not for you. However, if you like the idea of a funny, disturbing adventure book that reads like a collaboration between Gardner Fox and David Lynch, and are prepared to shrug and go along for the ride no matter how crazy it gets, than check it out.

MARVEL SPECTACULAR ASSISTANT-SIZED SPECIAL #1:  Back in ’84, Marvel’s editors relinquished control of their books to their assistants for the duration of “Assistant Editors Month”. This wasn’t really an event, more like a month of somewhat goofy stories (or in some cases, a goofy letterhead illustration and not much else), but it gave us some classics like the MARVEL TEAM-UP where Aunt May became herald to Galactus, the Avengers appearing on “Late Night with David Letterman”, and a great IRON MAN story featuring a bunch of neighbourhood kids with an Avengers club whose Iron Man is booted out of the team in disgrace, just like his drunk-at-the-time namesake. However, in today’s hectic, crossover-driven marketplace, there’s no way Marvel would give up a month of their books to the whims of their assistant editors, so instead we have this two-issue miniseries that sees the lowly assistants convening in the Marvel bathroom to have their own pitch session. The resulting anthology features a Middle-Eastern-set D-Man tale by Brian Patchett and Xurxo G. Penalta, an American Eagle vs. Cottonmouth story by Jason Aaron and Richard Isanove, and an always-welcome MINI MARVELS entry by Chris Giarrusso…apparently, the only place a Clint Barton Hawkeye fan can get a fix these days. The resulting mix of tone and style in these stories is pretty weird—the D-Man story has a very indie comics feel, the American Eagle number is fairly gritty (and Isanove’s art makes the whole affair look like a DARK TOWER outtake—but the cute framing sequence by Chris Eliopoulous and Jacob Chabot and the Giarrusso story make it all better. The whole affair is topped off by a dope David Williams (HULK/POWER PACK) cover, who needs to do some more interiors, pronto.

KILLER OF DEMONS #2: This three-parter from Christopher Yost (X-FORCE) and Scott Wegener is a bit like the 2001 film FRAILTY, only less homespun and more crazy. An office drone named Dave starts seeing that most of the people around him are demons, and embarks on a mission from God to wipe them out. But is Dave actually being shown visions of Hell from his angel guide, Uriel, or is he just a plain old homicidal loony?

KILLER OF DEMONS is heavy on zany humour—Dave works for a tobacco company that is always looking for new ways to market their product to an increasingly younger audience, his FBI agent brother gleefully uses online gaming to trap pedophiles, Satan enlists a stripper-assassin to kill Dave—but this week’s issue two brings with it some surprising twists as well, like the lengths Dave’s cop girlfriend goes to in order to protect her guy when she learns about his hobby. Wegener’s angular, cartoony art is a lot tighter and more assured with the second issue as well, and Yost’s script has a nice balance of humour and action that has me looking forward to the wrap-up.
 

This Week's Haul: Flash Back!

The Flash: Rebirth #1

I have made it pretty clear that I will buy anything that Geoff Johns writes, so I was pretty excited about this. Plus, I really enjoyed Green Lantern: Rebirth, so I was hoping that this would promise to be as good. The first issue of the story of Barry Allen's return starts with some blood spashing all over the page, just in case you forgot that Geoff Johns is writing it. It also features lots of "Welcome Back" parties and parades being set up in various locations on the same day (because, y'know, The Flash can make it to all of them no problem. Cute!). It also features a lot of Barry chatting with his old pal Hal Jordan, which I loved.

It's a very exciting first issue and I can't wait for the next one!

JSA #25

And since we're talking about Geoff Johns anyway, this is the penultimate issue of his very enjoyable run on JSA. It's also the finale of a pretty exciting Marvel family story featuring Crazy Black Adam, Crazier Isis, Slutty Mary Marvel, Powerless Billy Batson, and Pissed Off Shazam.

Speaking of the JSA, I highly recommend Johnathan's recent and important posts about whether or not the member of the Golden Age Justice Society would make the Legion of Super Heroes. I was laughing my ass off reading it, and my husband was like "what are you doing?" to which I had to reply "reading Johnathan's post about whether or not members of the Golden Age Justice League would be admitted into the Legion of Super Heroes...which is NOT AS NERDY AS IT SOUNDS!" Anyway, check them out here and here.

Jonah Hex #42

In this issue, young Jonah Hex is put through a merciless, abusive involuntary Batman-style training regimen by his crazy drunken father to toughen him up. As we all know, it worked. But that doesn't make it right.

Or does it?

Either way it makes for great reading!

I love how nearly every issue starts with some dudes who are like "Say your prayers, Hex, because you are going to die now." And I'm all like "Oh shit! Those guys are totally going to die SO HARD!" Good comics.

Captain America Comics 70th Anniversary Special #1

Holy hell. This was awesome. In general, I really love Captain America's origin story. And I really, really love Marcos Martin's art. But even I was surprised at how awesome the two things combined turned out to be. This is a definite must-own, people.

X-Men First Class Finals #3

Ok, the main story was really great and everything as usual, but I have to totally freak out here about the long and awesome Colleen Coover back-up story. She totally draws the most adorable Man-Thing ever! Check it out:

Pride and Prejudice #1

I didn't actually buy this or read it, I just flipped through it. I just want to say this: what if Colleen Coover had been the artist on this?

Awesome, right?

Other things I read this week: Billy Batson and the Magic of Shazam #3 (A rare treat! A perfect kids superhero comic, I say. If only it came out faster!), Amazing Spider-Man #590 (it's got the Fantastic Four in it!), and Franklin Richards: Son of a Genius: April Fools (hilarious!).

Things I haven't read yet: Doctor Doom and the Masters of Evil #3 (I forgot to buy it! Drat!) and Jersey Gods #3 (I just realized I haven't read issue #2 yet! Smack!).