Super-Human Delinquents of the Thirtieth Century: Vibrex

Hey there! It's time to inaugurate another new feature here on Johnathan Saturdays. For a couple of years now I've been doing reviews of the Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century, said detritus being people who tried and failed to get into the Legion of Super-Heroes and occasionally people who got in and were subsequently kicked out for being evil. Now, I have a few more of those things that I can do, but Silver Age Legion rejects are getting a bit thin on the ground. I thought about expanding the definition to include villains but it just didn't sit right, so here we are: Super-human Delinquents of the Thirtieth Century, featuring all of the future's most strange and incompetent bad guys. First up: Vibrex, Master of Vibration!

Vibrex showed up in Legion of Super-Heroes No. 267, in a backup story set just after Mon-El had been released from the Phantom Zone and inducted into the Legion as a full member and not just a Sad Reservist. Everyone is hanging around the Clubhouse being cool and talking about how cool they are when they receive news that there is trouble on the space elevator (the space elevator is the coolest mode of future-travel there is, bar none) and they all rush off to look into it. Mon-El is excited to participate in his first Legion mission that doesn't involve beating up a robot Lex Luthor.

Oh no! The sentence that Mon-El didn't get to finish was indicating that he didn't believe that this assignment was going to be any trouble, but there is trouble after all! trouble in the form of a poorly-dressed super-villain!

Oh lord is he poorly dressed. That thing where his torso is a different colour than his limbs? All I can think of when I see that is "action figure whose arms and legs come off." He's practically a He-Man character, and not one of the good ones, like Buzz-Off. No, he's... he's that robotic elephant firefighter guy who squirted water out of his nose. Also, that's a terrible colour scheme. And you don't need a 'V' on your forehead if you have one on your chest.

Mon-El's not intimidated though, and - oh lord, the stripes go all the way around. This guy put a lot of effort into this costume, didn't he? He thinks that he looks fantastic, like the indie dude I saw last month who had the ironic tight jeans and the ironic jeanjacket-over-cardigan and the ironic pedophile moustache and the ironic Seventies haircut and it all came together no make him look like a badly-dressed guy with terrible hair. Actually, Vibrex is worse, because Mr. Indie was at least piling proven methods on top of one another to form a mess, while our blue-limbed pal here is just flailing wildly in the  fabric store.

Oh, shoot. I already told you his name, didn't I? Sorry for ruining your big moment, Vibrex. Really, though. You're not much of a planner. You sneak onboard the Space Elevator to steal some ore, armed only with your vibratory powers (obtained when he "...flew my unprotected cruiser into a deep space radiation field..." which is, incidently, another well-thought-out plan) and no evidence of superstrength (to carry the ore) or flight (to get off of the Space Elevator before it docks) or any thought to how to get away once he gets to the end of the elevator cable, because it's an elevator and he can't land it anywhere but at the regular landing area, which presumably has some sort of security.

Vibrex gets the upper hand quickly, using his vibratory powers to cancel Mon-El's anti-lead serum and shut off the other Legionnaires' flight belts, but shows his colours again immediately by completely ignoring the super-heroes that he just dumped out into space. Mister, if you're dumb enough to turn your back on three super-heroes after doing nothing more deadly to them than throwing them out of a door that's four kilometres in the air then you deserve this:

KRAK!

BOK!

UH... IN SPACE, NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU GET PUNCHED!

Anyway, I have more pictures of Vibrex but you know what? It's all the same. The guy was a loser, through and through - he ain't appearing in Legion of Three Worlds, that's for sure.

  

When Vibrex wakes up, tell him he's NOT APPROVED.

John Weighs in on the X-Men DVD Thing

Well, Rachelle pretty much nailed it on her review, so I'll keep this brief. Yes, these cartoons were terrible. The voice acting was basically bad, bad, bad (with some exceptions - Apocalypse was terrific), the animation was cheap, etc, etc. BUT. there are still some reasons to think about getting this collection:

1. The possibility of special prizes. The copy that we received contained, in lieu of Volume 1, Disc 1, the Leonardo DiCaprio film Catch Me if You Can. Maybe you'll get a Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD, or a slice of dried bologna or anything! It's like gambling!

2. Drinking games. Every time they reuse footage or dialogue, take a shot. Every time Professor X zooms into frame at an unsafe speed, take a shot. Every time something MAKES NO SENSE, take a shot. You will require about one episode per party.

3. Canadian pride (assumes that you are Canadian). Watch the episode with Alpha Flight and take pride in knowing that our national super-hero, the Vindicator, is so concerned with duty that he is willing to confiscate his best friend's skeleton for the good of his country/the military conspiracy that he works for. I felt so filled with national pride that I immediately confiscated some of Rachelle's ribs. Also, once more: suck it, other national conspiracies.

4. MST3K fun. If you watch bad movies specifically for the purpose of mocking them you will have fun with this. We burnt out after four or five episodes, though.

5. Academic interest. Watch and consider the political or practical considerations behind each nonsensical decision: why does Cable have a black starburst around his (intact) eye? Are scars hard to animate or did the writers/animators believe that children shouldn't know about eye-scarification, in case they might try to it themselves (to look cool, like Cable)? What about that hover-wheelchair? Was regular chair-wheeling too intricate an animation? Was it a plot hook that never got used, like Moira McTaggart's Irish accent? I swear that I could write five papers on this stuff.

6. PYRO AND AVALANCHE. They only show up every few episodes but these two are the very best thing about this show. Pyro is an Australo-Cockney skinny-boy and Avalanche is a big dumb dope who sounds like he maybe got his powers by being beat repeatedly about the head with a pipe. Nothing ever goes right for them - they try to hit on a chick in a bar and it turns out to be Rogue, who beats them silly. They kidnap a scientist and it turns out to be their boss Mystique in disguise. They are the ultimate sad sacks. I want to pitch The Misadventures of Pyro and Avalanche to Adult Swim. Rachelle's suggestion, Pyro and Avalanche in: Gettin' the Blob Laid also has merit, maybe as a movie spin-off.

In any case, you already know if you're going to buy this thing or not. It's exactly like you remember it, trust me.

Oops, now I've got to write my Saturday post. Bye!

Set Phasers For Fun: Dave's Spoiler-Free Mini Review of Star Trek

After a stumbling start with X-Men Origins: Wolverine (see Rachelle’s review here), the summer 2009 movie season got kicked off properly last night with the first shows of J.J. Abrams’ new Star Trek makeover, featuring young, angsty versions of the original cast—Kirk, Spock, etc.—in a universe that is not quite the same as the one we all know but is still somehow canon. How, exactly, requires me to discuss plot points that I don’t want to get into (spoilers and all), but it’s not important anyway. What is important is that the new Star Trek is a hell of a good time, and exactly what this series needed.

Without giving too much away, a Romulan bad guy named Nero has traveled back in time, to back before the original series, to mess with history in various diabolical ways. Along the way, he encounters the USS Enterprise and its crew of fledgling recruits, who have to get over their various differences to stop him from blowing up lots of planets and messing up the spacetime continuum. More than he already has, I mean—his interference has already altered the timeline, meaning that the future as we know it is not set anymore (a handy trick of the filmmakers, one that sidesteps Wolverine’s lack of suspense in knowing that the character survives for at least three more movies). The wonky pseudoscience that has always accompanied the Star Trek brand name and its recurring time travel plotlines allows for an almost literal cosmic reset button, which will hopefully keep the die-hard fans content, while also making way for director J.J. Abrams’ sexy, flashy new vision of the Star Trek universe—while, finally, not in any way contradicting What Has Gone Before.  

The cast is pretty much uniformly great—Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto, as Kirk and Spock, respectively, inhabit their characters without resorting to imitations, the supporting characters all get to have cool moments where we see why they’re all destined for greatness, and the space battles and fight scenes are all exciting to watch. There are a lot of fun nods to the original series, but not obnoxiously so. There are some moments of fairly goofy humour, but that’s not so out of place either—never let it be said that Star Trek, in any of its incarnations, is above a lame gag or three. And seriously, when’s the last time we had a good space adventure flick? One that didn’t take place in some depressing dystopia, but in a future where all (or most, anyway) races have come together to get stuff done? By the end of this movie, I was pretty much begging for a sequel, but that’s probably still about three years away. Not soon enough! Great job, everyone involved.
 

Two "Girl" Comics and a Buffy: My Lady-est Week Ever

Supergirl: Cosmic Adventures in the 8th Grade #6

Grant Morrison does an excellent fill in on the final issue. No. But seriously, this issue had some time traveling, multi-universal craziness worthy of Final Crisis. In a nutshell, Mr. Mxyzptlk makes everyone trip out, and Supergirl saves the day. I really loved this series, and I feel like other creators of all-ages comics should use this as their template: it was fun, had wide appeal and used familiar tropes but also had its own thing going on. And it came out regularly, so kids (and adults) didn't lose interest. (I'm looking at you Billy Batson and the Magic of Shazam. Great book, but c'mon! You're not Optic Nerve!)

Power Girl #1

I feel pretty invested in Power Girl as a character. I guess 'cause she's often been such a joke, or she's been the iconic image of why comics are just for dudes. So I totally love the way Palmiotti and Conner make her not suck. I love how she can be funny and brave and cute and relate-able! That said, I found this issue a little lackluster, and just not as emotionally engaging as I was expecting. It was the first issue though, so I'll quit my complaining until a few more come out. I did love the way Power Girl looked, especially her boots! Those round buckles! I loved when that dude called her "Pee Gee." And I was really into her grumpy cat.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer #25

The Buffy comic was losing me for a bit there, as the stories seemed a little forced and not totally fresh. But this issue pulled me back in. It was nice to wrap up the Dawn storyline that's been naggingly unresolved since the first issue of the series. I felt like the conclusion was honest, and even told us that Dawn is a bit a like her big sister, and maybe sleeps with people for the wrong reasons. There was some nice Xander and Buffy dialogue and Buffy even mentioned watching Veronica Mars! (A little late to name-drop this sadly canceled show, but still cool. Although, if this season eight comic takes place the year after Buffy the show ended [and the show was always on the same time-line as real life], then Veronica Mars wouldn't have even been on yet when the events in this issue took place!!! How did Buffy get those DVDs? Did Superboy punch a hole in the world?)

Anyway. How 'bout that Jo Chen cover? Perverted! 

My Spoiler-Free Mini-Review of Star Trek

This movie is amazing and awesome and everyone should go see it. I want to see a million more movies with the same cast.

Also, Captain Kirk is hott.

Seriously, this movie had what the Wolverine movie was missing: joy. I have not been this delighted by a film since Iron Man. Go see it!

90s X-Men Animated Series Now Collected in Easy-to Dispose DVD Format

 

Here's the thing: I really loved the old X-Men animated series from the 90s. Not the one where Wolverine had an Australian accent. The other one. I watched every episode several times. In university I watched it again when it was shown on Teletoon. I loved it then, and that was only like eight years ago. The good news for those who loved the show is that it's now available on DVD as of last week (or at least the first 33 episodes are). The bad news is that it really doesn't hold up very well.

Last night Johnathan and I got together for what should have been a perfect evening of beer, ribs and the X-Men DVDs. It took about 30 seconds to realize that no amount of beer and mapley sweet ribs would negate the fact that we were watching a terrible show.

The opening credits are great. Great music, great clips, great fonts. But after that the show pretty much falls apart every episode. Even the episodes I remembered as being good were pretty bad. The end credits were astonishingly bad.

The real problem with this show is that it is extremely loyal to an era of X-Men comics that was extremely flawed. Everyone is ugly with crazy eyebrows, terrible hair, and horrible outfits. Cable is covered in armbands, all of which are way too tight. It must take him five hours to get dressed. The stories are largely based on Claremont comics, but with all the intelligence taken out. Even the Len Wein-penned Alpha Flight episode fell flat.

The animation is lazy. The voice acting is terrible. Everyone's accents are insane. Xavier darts around in his floating wheelchair at an alarming speed in small spaces. Footage is recycled at a ridiculous rate. The characters are all flat and boring. No wonder I loved Gambit so much...he's the only one with a shred of personality. And every time Bishop is on screen we hear blues harmonica for some reason.

My favourite line was probably when Storm was buried under a pile of boulders and Cyclops's reaction was to yell "Help! Storm suffers from claustrophobia!" I think the bigger problem was that Storm was suffering from being buried under a pile of boulders.

Now keep this in mind: this series was airing at the same time as the damn near perfect Batman: The Animated Series!

So what I am saying is that I really wanted to like this. I wanted to watch it and be able to say "You know, this is a pretty solid series" because surely I did not waste hours of my life watching something really crappy. Right? I did. The world is right and I was wrong. This is not a good show. And the fact that there are no special features on the DVDs means there is no reason to buy it. But, y'know, people really like watching the old G.I. Joe cartoon too, and that thing sucks (sorry, nerds. It sucks).

I mean, I guess if you want to get stoned with your friends and redub the audio with your own jokes and post it on YouTube, this is a must-buy. But other than that, I can't really recommend it. It's best left forgotten and replaced in our collective memory by the excellent new series, Wolverine and the X-Men.