Punctuation!

Hey there folks. I'm sure that you're all still reeling from the wicked-cool fishing post that I did last week, but trust me: this week we're heading toward even cooler waters with some good ol' talk about punctuation, the coolest thing since etymology!

See, I was bopping around Wikipedia last week and I happened upon the article on the sadly-underused interrobang, which then led me to read of the exclamation mark, and on that page there's a section on how comics - and especially older comics - tended to use them almost to the exclusion of the period. Now, this was back in the day, when printing processes were more primitive and art was a bit more standardized, and people have gotten pretty good at conveying body language nowadays. In combination with the standard punctuation that we all know and love as well as techniques like bolding significant words and maybe sometimes giving speech balloons crinkly borders or something, comic bookers can convey a pretty wide range of emotion and tone. But what, my little brain asks, if some of the more unusual punctuation that has been invented over the years was incorporated into the experience? Could things get even better?

(Just a note here: Dave and Tiina have been deriving a fair amount of amusement out of my tendency toward researching the things that I write about here on Johnathan Super Saturday Excellent Extravaganza. I totally swear that I went no further than Wikipedia for this. Though I guess I did consider getting a book from the library.)

  The Interrobang

The interrobang is more of a stylistic thing than most of the bits of punctuation that will follow. It was created in 1962 by an advertising executive by the name of Martin Speckter and was meant to replace the odd-looking-yet-frequently-used pairing of ! and ?. I could get into the interrobang seeing more use in the comix. Here, I made an example (a famous example):

Well, that was my reaction upon first hearing of this one. Uh, sorry that the interrobang is so tall. Frankenstinian punctution so often is, after all.

I was kind of disappointed because I couldn't find any information on two other bits of punctuation that I heard about years ago and seem to remember that Speckter had a hand in. One was like an exclamation mark but had three spikes coming off of it instead of one, the theory being that advertising had overused the exclamation to the point that it had no meaning any more and needed a replacement. The second had a whopping five spikes coming off of it and was created preemptively for when the three-spike variety became overused. They fill me with cynical delight!

The Acclamation Point

This isn't the best bit of punctuation ever, I admit, but it's alphabetically the first in a group suggested in 1966 by author Hervé Bazin. It's the weakest of the bunch due to the fact that it resembles the younger brother of those multi-spike exclamation points that I was talking about earlier and also due to the fact that it's pretty easy to convey acclaim without needing special punctuation for it. Still, the shocked looks on everyone's faces whenever Batman gave someone a compliment might be extra-intense if he had one of these bad boys at the end of whatever minor bit of approval that he might deign to dole out.

The Authority Point

Another good one for Batman - in fact, it should probably go on the end of about half of his sentences. Here:

Now: isn't that more authoratative? He's threatening to spank her in a firm, commanding tone.

On that note, the authority point could make for some good "this guy is an asshole" shorthand, given how many super-heroes are hotshot young mavericks with something to prove. A Guardian of the Universe or a government agent could signal that they were to be held in contempt with one authority point-adorned sentence. Alternately, in a team book, this mark could tie a whole issue together - say the Justice League is beaten and near-defeated and then Superman stands up and rallies them around him with a cry of "Get the crumb-bums" - such a stirring moment!

The Certitude Point

Looks very similar to the authority point, which makes some sense. This is another one that perhaps isn't as needed on a regular basis. But! What if it was repurposed as the attitude point? Suddenly, all of those snot-nosed young mavericks with something to prove would have something to use as they mouthed off to the guys that were using the authority point. Also, teenagers.

The Doubt Point

A bit too complex for my tastes, but would be handy for books about the paranormal. As the requisite skeptical character (the Scully, for those in the field) is drawn further and further into the world of shoggoths and wills-o-the-wisp, his or her sentences could slide gradually toward acceptance of the supernatural, beginning with doubt points, changing to question marks partway through and then at the climactic moment rocking the full certitude point. Oh, I changed it to attitude point, didn't I? Well, Cthulhu could stand to get some attitude now and then.

The Indignation Point

More punctuaton for defining stock characters. If you use an indignation point then you're a stuffed shirt, a society type of the sort that might end up employing the Three Stooges or acting as a foil to the Marx Brothers. If you rock this thing in a comic book you're going to be humiliated by the Creeper or someone at best and eaten by something gross at worst. Or both.

The Irony Mark

The Wikipedia entry on the irony mark is where I fond most of the rest of these guys. It has its own entry because irony is cool, if misunderstood. This thing should be in use all over the comic book as a medium - just think how many characters define themselves by their habit of making wise-acre comments all the time. Heck, there's also a sarcasm mark that looks like the Spanish favourite inverted exclamation mark (¡) - how many characters would there be who never ended a sentence with anything other than those two? Note that the sarcasm mark is actually something that is actually used in the the Ethiopic language, making it and them super-cool.

I  felt compelled to use this one as an example due to the fact that Batman has gotten so much attention for the 'Papa spank" thing in recent years - look, Wonder Woman did it too! And included bondage and mind-control, naturally.

The Love Point

Slightly sickening to look at, isn't it? It could come in useful for comics with a lot of teenage crushing going on but what else could the beat-you-over-the-head-with-what-it's-for love point be good for? I'll tell you what it's good for: elevating the art of taking panels out of context to a whole new level:

Isn't it just too creepy? Speaking of which, I coudn't resist:

I'll leave you with that.

Good afternoon!

Shadow Thief shows that hard work and complete lunacy pay off.

We all know and love Shadow Thief, the shadow-based DC villain who used to annoy Hawkman and Hawkgirl on a regular basis.

But did you know that Shadow Thief's origin is completely stupid and hilarious?

Grab some popcorn and take a seat.

Shadow Thief, or Carl Sands, first appeared in The Brave and the Bold #36, which was among the many awesome comics collected in Showcase Presents Hawkman vol.1. Like all good villains, Shadow Thief likes to pass the time by remembering his own origin story.

"If only I were a shadow..." For most people this would be a fleeting, whimsical thought that one would be sort of embarassed about. But not this guy. He turns it into a mission.

He read up on shadow facts and legends. And then built something that he could have seen at (or, hell, stolen from) any children's science museum. But wait for this:

"I've got to do more research!" That is so crazy. That's like "Dammit! This quarter didn't really materialize in my ear! I must work harder! I must find a way!"

His relentless practice of children's science experiments and magic tricks is interrupted by one of the countless aliens who visited America during the 1960s.

My favourite thing about those panels is that somewhere in the short time that Carl met and rescued the alien, he managed to talk about how much he loves shadows.

Dude, you can have, presumably, any wish granted by this alien, and you still are sticking with the shadow thing? Aren't there better abilities than being able to control shadows?

Alright, actually, that is pretty cool.

You know who were probably really surprised are all the sensible people who were like "Seriously, Carl, enough with the shadows! It's never going to happen! Get a job!" Or his mom. "What would you like for your birthday this year, Carl? And DON'T say another flashlight!"

Once again a human triumphs over science and possibility and uses it to rob museums and banks. I salute you, Shadow Thief.

Rating the Super Hunks #23: Hercules

I had planned on rating Thor as a superhunk this week, but my thoughts kept turning to his old sparring partner. And thus I will now call forward the champion of Olympus,

HERCULES

Thirsty?

Costume/Appearance:

His outfit consists of a skirt, a sash, a headband, gold bracelets, a belt, and thigh-high gladiator sandals with studs down the front. Beyonce would look at those shoes and say "those are too much."

I LIKE THE SASH BECAUSE IT IS CONSTRICTIVE AND UNNECESSARY.

There are a few superheroes who choose to work barechested. That's nothing new. But paring the shirtlessness with a scandalously short wrap skirt is a very bold statement for a man to make. Particularly one his age (thousands of years old).

BONDAGE DOESN'T GET MORE MACHO THAN THIS.

From the waist down he looks like a trampy lady, but from the waist up he's all man. And that makes the bottom half manly too.

I approve whole-heartedly of the full beard. If only all men who choose goatees would instead go for this look.

NOTE: THIS IS NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE OF HIS BEARD. IT'S TOO STYLED HERE.

Hey, and you know what else? I was into that look he rocked during the Prince of Power mini-series. Sort of a beefier Barry Gibb:

I'M A WOMAN'S MAN, NO TIME TO TALK.

Generally, Hercules is a burly, bulging pile of man. We like that here at the Super Hunk Institute.

9/10

Personality:

He has a big ego. Huge. But, y'know, after thousands of years of being awesome, maybe he's earned that ego.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIS WANG.

I actually love Hercules' personality. He loves being Hercules. He loves to fight, he loves to compete, he loves to show off, but he's also got a kind heart. He's a hero, and not just because he can beat the hell out of pretty much anyone without breaking a sweat. He takes care of people, he's a loyal friend, and he's a capable leader. He's chatty, he's funny, and he likes to have a good time. He just generally loves life. You would think that someone who has been around as long as he has would be growing weary, but Hercules is still punching and smiling his way through life.

UPSKIRT!

He's the world's oldest celebrity. I think it's less ego and more giving the fans what they want.

HE'S GOT BITCHES IN THE LIVING ROOM GETTIN' IT ON AND THEY AIN'T LEAVIN' TILL SIX IN THE MORNIN'.

9/10

Sexiness of Superpowers:

Hercules is super strong, fast, agile, and basically immortal and invincible. All that good stuff. Certainly can't fault him in this department.

PLOORGGG!

And, again, not only are his powers great, the fact that he loves using them so much is great.

HERCULES, PUT THOSE WOMEN DOWN. YOU'RE SCARING THEM.

Also, he talks cool.

10/10

WE ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO SEEING HIS JUNK HERE.

Day Job:

Nope. Not for the ol' son of Zeus. Talk about being born with a silver spoon in your mouth! But that doesn't mean he doesn't have hobbies:

SHOW ME THE FOLK SINGER WITH THAT BODY.

Although he doesn't have a proper job, Hercules does spend all of his time hanging out with an orphaned boy genius. I think that earns him some points.

7/10

Cons:

Besides the ego, I would say that he has some definite commitment issues. He loves the ladies, but never for very long.

"YEAH, YOU AND EVERYONE, BITCH."

JEALOUS?

You could argue that he isn't particularly bright, particularly for someone who has been around this long. He also turns to violence as a solution pretty quickly.

I HEAR THAT.

HERCULES DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT NOTHING BUT THE ECSTASY OF BATTLE.

I dunno. I really can't fault this guy too much.

-1

Final Score: 34/40

Dude! That is dangerously close to Winter Soldier's score! Well done, Hercules! You're twice the man Thor will ever be. Jane Foster knows what I'm talking about:

HE ALSO HAS A PERSONALITY. LOCK IT DOWN, JANE.

Have at ME, Hercules!

Superman/Batman Is As Superman/Batman Does.

Superman/Batman is one consistently stupid book. Like its spiritual predecessor, World’s Finest, it teams up DC’s heaviest hitters month after month, and in true Silver Age fashion, there is a bit of an “anything goes” approach, where wild ideas abound but logic is often the first thing to go out the window. It’s a title that began with President Lex Luthor putting a million-dollar bounty on Superman’s head because a Kryptonite asteroid was going to collide with Earth, and became even more idiotic with each successive story. The idea that Superman’s nemesis Metallo had possibly been the real murderer of Thomas and Martha Wayne was raised early on in the series, but never resolved. There have been heartfelt but confusing tributes to the Silver Age, Alan Moore, and, for some reason, various Marvel comics (Luthor as Wolverine? Atomic Skull as Ghost Rider?). The book features a supremely annoying house style of writing where the two leads narrate in hilariously homoerotic tandem, constantly commenting on what the other must be thinking right now. In defiance of all odds, it somehow became even stupider when Jeph Loeb wrapped up his 25-issue arc.

However, I submit to you that, despite all these flaws, Superman/Batman is the most consistently accessible and yes, entertaining, mainstream book featuring these two leads a lot of the time. This comes with a couple of qualifiers—neither Grant Morrison or Geoff Johns can be writing Supes or Bats in another title at the time, which makes for pretty short windows. Also, the art is a huge component of the book’s debatable success. Ed McGuinness or Carlos Pacheco can make Loeb’s foolishness a lot more palatable, for instance, and Rags Morales or Rafael Albuquerque will make the proceedings run a lot more smoothly than, say, Whilce Portacio or Shane Davis. While the storylines are often modern glosses on Silver Age tropes—our heroes get shrunk, or their powers goes crazy, or they meet adorable l’il kid versions of themselves—they are usually fun, dumb adventures that only last a few issues at most. It’s also the most self-contained of the mainstream DCU books—this title does not pause to acknowledge Crises, whether Infinite or Final, nobody’s Battling For The Cowl, and there’s nary a New Krypton to be found in the cosmos.

Take this week’s issue #60, for instance. Current writers Michael Green and Mike Johnson deliver the first of a two-parter called Mash-up that finds Superman and Batman suddenly inhabiting a city called Gothamopolis, where familiar old faces are strangely mixed and matched. For instance, our two confused leads almost immediately run into the Justice Titans, a team made up out of amalgamated JLA and Teen Titans members. Among these weirdos are Night Lantern, Donna Wonder, Star Canary, Flash (‘cause he’s in both teams, get it?), Hawk-Beast, and Aqua-Borg. That’s right, Aqua-Borg. There’s an obligatory misunderstanding and fight scene, but they all eventually put aside their differences and go to the Justice Tower to solve the mystery, where we learn that they’ve been saving the silliest JT member for last; Terranado, a mash-up of Red Tornado and Terra (whose alter ego is Terra Mark V, which is actually kind of clever).

Soon, they’re all off to S.T.A.R.kham Labs (I know, right? Seriously!), where they fight Doomstroke, who it turns out is working for evil genius…Lex Joker. Well, why not, I guess. To be continued.

This is a very silly issue of a very silly book, and yet, it was probably my favourite comic of last week. I honestly don’t want to think too hard about what that means for the state of the industry right now, but there it is. It had the two best superheroes ever confronting a weird mystery, it had a couple of cool fights, and a cliffhanger ending that made we want to learn just what the hell is going on. It also had striking artwork by Francis Manapul (Legion of Super-Heroes), who is trying out a cool new style—very brushy and angular—that is lushly coloured here by Brian Buccellato. Manapul is the artist on the new Adventure Comics title debuting in August, which I am now officially a lot more excited about. For more goodness, check out Manapul's official website. You'll be glad you did.

This may all sound like I’m damning this book with the faintest of praise, but it’s sincere—this comic provided a kind of diverting entertainment you don’t see much of nowadays. You don’t have to know what’s going on in a zillion other books, there isn’t any disturbingly adult content that has no business in a superhero title, and there was something new and ridiculous to capture your attention on practically every page. This, by design or otherwise, seems to be the unofficial mission statement of Superman/Batman. As mission statements—or superhero team-up comics, really—go, you could do worse.
 

Gone Fishin'.

This one goes out to Car Pool Keith, my twice-a-day friend, who has been talking about going fishing since January, who is probably fishing right now and who will likely be talking about fishing until next January. The man knows how to stick with a hobby.

So: we're all familiar with the concept of the comic book character who has hunted all there is to hunt and so must move on to hunting people, or super-heroes, or super-villains. Manhunter, Kraven the Hunter, the Hunter - all of them have a little of the ol' General Zaroff in them. But hunting isn't alone, no sir. The fine sport of fishing has made its impression on the funny books as well.

Now part of me wants to dismiss this as the comic book equivalent of the tendency for comic strips to feature lots of golf jokes. A sort of "write what you know and you'd rather be doing" kind of thing, I guess. But then the part of me that wants this post to have a cohesive theme speaks up and reminds me to say that I now think that it's more like fishing is the stunted little brother of hunting, that it may not have pith helmets and charging rhinos but, by god, it's going to make do with hip waders and wide-legged stances and lots of puns involving the  word hook! Fishing can matter, dammit!

Sometimes, fishing is just a means to an end. Here we have "Crusher" Crock, the Sportsmaster, dressing up like a fisherman in order to steal things. This is his schtick, though - heck, that mask is his only real costume. The next time he appears, he might be a baseball player or a water-skier or a dartsman.

Still, Sportsmaster's bewadered magnificence is imposing enough to dissuade folks from trying to interfere as he hooks him a big one. I think that the potential of fishing is evident:

Here's some fishing froom DC Special No. 13:

The Fishermen of Space are a trio of spectacularly dumb aliens who are gathering specimens of terrestrial life to take back home. They use weird claws for hooks and, because they are big dudes, fish for great big things. Things like buses, or ships:

Or airplanes!

The Fishermen of Space don't even know  that they are fishing for humans, really. They just scoop up the biggest moving things that they can find, and I guess the whales were all astute enough to submerge once the giant claws started dropping from the sky. It is likely that these big dumb alien bozos are representing the sporting nature of the comic book fisherperson, though, if only because I have to assume that if they were scientists they might use a more efficient means of gathering their specimens. No, these guys are almost certainly cracking open a few giant brewskis and telling stories about the Miscellaneous Moving Object That Got Away once they get back to their mothership.

Sometimes, fishing for people becomes a lesson in cruel irony, as in this tale from Strange Adventures No. 21, wherein a young scientist and his wife set out with rod and reel to prove that there are living things of some sort at the bottom of a toxic volcanic lake. In a shocking twist ending, however:

The fisher becomes the fishee! Don't worry, though, he gets away. The poor fish-man is left to live his days in a haze of constant regret:

Note, however, that the fish monster is careful to use a rod and hook when attempting to catch a human. This is very important, and is a bit of a mistake. Humans aren't quite as dumb as fish, after all, and you just can't be certain that they'll manage to impale themselves on any barb that you toss out there, even if you put a hamburger on the end. The Fishermen of Space had the right idea there, what with their claws and all.

No, this fish monster is strictly an amateur, the equivalent of a kid with a bent paperclip tied to a stick with a length of twine. If you want to see some human-fishing fish monsters who have it all figured out, man, you just take a gander at Flash v1 No. 119, wherein the Flash and Elongated Man both get to take a shot at figuring out whatever became of some vanished scuba divers:

In an overly-complicated scheme, the fish-monsters capture the divers, put them in a tank in their underwater city, and fish for them with pieces of meat. As I recall, the one who caught a diver got to use him as slave labour.

Note, however, the specialized human-fishing equipment. You reach for the steak and a noose slips over your wrist - seems a bit more plausible than expecting the ol' hook to work. My main question is where they got that steak. Also, how was the diver going to eat that steak? His whole head is encased in diving apparatus, after all - shouldn't he be trying to get out of the water so that he can beat up the fish-guy and take the meat? Not even the Flash thinks to try that though, or even the radical strategy of reaching around the noose to grab the steak.

But this is all pointless exploration of a very tenuously tied-together bunch of examples without an examination of the pinnacle of the fishing-in-comics characters; fishing's equivalent of Kraven the Hunter and Aquaman's most logical nemesis:

The Fisherman!

The Fisherman just takes his theme and runs with it. He's got the waders and the suspenders and he does everything with his hook. He makes his entrances on giant sea monsters! Heck, when he first appeared he was even more into the whole thing:

He had a cape made out of a net! His little hat (since revealed to be an alien parasite of some kind, which kills one of my jokes) is the same colour as the rest of his costume and makes him look a bit like a lobster! Hell, even the caption-voice calls him "bizarre", which is a pretty tough distinction to achieve as a villain in a 60s DC comic.

Clearly, this is a man who has tasted all that life on the sea has to offer. He has fished everything from the gentle sardine too the majestic basking shark. He has tracked the elusive king krill to its lair and emerged the victor. He has ridden the mighty manta ray and feasted on anenome and scorpion fish and sea squirt. Truely he is the ultimate fisherman. But where to go once you reach the top? What do you fish for once you have fished all of the fish that there are to fish?

Yep, you start fishing for people. Remember how I was talking about how people won't just grab onto a hook, even if you put a something delicious on it? Well that's just the kind of challenge that the Fisherman likes. And if getting to fish for people means that he runs the risk of getting shot four times in the back and killed?

Well, I guess that that's just the final proof that the most dangerous fish of all... is Man.

You Got the Right Stuff, Richie.

In this crappy economic climate, I find it soothing to think back to a more fruitful era, like the 1980s. It seemed possible that we could all someday sleep on a pile of money, since even children like Richie Rich were ridiculously wealthy. Computers were going to solve all of our problems. Soon a pill would be developed to provide us with all our dietary needs. And we could be sure that a certain pop group's star would never stop rising.

Yes, I'm talking about the New Kids on the Block.

But, like a Hypercolor t-shirt, NKOTB did not age so well.

Except Jon. Lookin' fine, Jon. Lookin' eerily similar, in fact.

Anyway, at one point in this magical era, the New Kids on the Block, who were pretty wealthy themselves, met the richest kid around, Richie Rich.

.

Both Richie and the Kids have pretty sweet lives, so this was the crisis for the issue. The New Kids on the Block are lost in Richie's giant, luxorious mansion. What's next? A harrowing issue where Richie has too much ice cream and the New Kids have to help him eat it?

Yup.

Anyway, the gist of the story is that it's Richie's birthday and he wants to go see the New Kids in concert. (Me too, Richie. But the reunion tour isn't coming to Halifax.)  Richie's Dad decides to play a trick on him, and tell him the tickets were sold old, but surprise Richie with having the New Kids play at his party.

It's a "party to end all parties," which is a bit of a tragic title in retrospect, since some of the members of NKOTB almost snorted their way to the big party in the sky.

But at this point, the New Kids are just down to earth Boston boys. They arrive at Richie's place for the birthday party and lose their shit over the size of Richie's mansion. And I have to stress again, that these guys are not doing bad for themselves either. Richie is RICH!

The New Kids are a little slow, which is probably realistic, and can't figure out how to get in.

I'm going to assume that all the punning is also realistic.

From here, they just keep running into crazy crap all over the Rich residence. It's run-of-the-mill rich people's stuff—the Elephant Man's bones and whatnot—until they find one room that holds a fully functioning circus, made entirely of robots.

Weird. Why would the Rich family have these? Secret military weapons? Do they run a nightmare factory? The look on that clown's face is truly terrifying.

I think this is the kind of dark shit that lead to Donnie Wahlberg's role in the Sixth Sense. Remember?

Yeesh.

Luckily, just when things are getting dire, Donnie locates a room-finding computer. Good on ya, Donnie. You'll survive when the rest of the Kids perish. 

But the computer can't decipher their thick Bostonian accents and their rap-influenced dialect. Remember, computers were very literal in the 80s. You were like, "What up, computer?" and they were like, "2.65 meters above me is the ceiling, human."

So the computer sends them to the weather room!

Richie eventually finds the Kids by taking off the removable roof to the mansion and air-lifting them out by helicopter. Clearly using resources where they're needed. So, NKOTB make it to the party.

Well, sure. It's easy to say friendship is more important than money when you're crazy rich. That's the NKOTB manager, Maurice Starr, providing that little platitude by the way.

This moral is slightly cheapened by the ad on the next page.

I hope NKOTB's friendship costs less than $2.99 per minute these days. I'm not sure I can afford that.