This Week's Haul: Go Pens!

I burned through my comics and got my reviews done this week because game 7 is on tonight of the Stanley Cup Finals and I don't want any distractions. Go Pens!

Amazing Spider-Man #597

I kept moving this to the bottom of my comics pile this week because I was really dreading reading it. I hated last week's issue so much that I had pretty low expectations for this one. I would say it was marginally better, and by "marginally better" I mean nothing was killed by a projectile booger.

Two issues left in this arc and then hopefully the next one will be a whole lot better.

Super Friends #16

So in this issue all of the cold-themed villains face off to determine who is the BEST cold-themed villain. Sadly, we never find out the answer to this age-old questions because the stupid Super Friends break up the party. Boooo (I was hoping for Captain Cold).

Also in this issue: a gross misrepresentation of the great sport of hockey.

Billy Batson and the Magic of Shazam #5

Mike Kunkel was booted off this title (I don't know if an actual boot was used) for being too slow. It's too bad because it really was a great comic when he was writing and drawing it. It was definitely coming out too slowly, though, especially considering the target audience. So the Tiny Titans team has taken over the writing duties, with Byron Vaughn on art. The result is a Captain Marvel comic that is still a lot of fun, and can be read in about half the time as a Kunkel issue, for better or for worse.

Green Lantern Corps #37

A bunch of fighting about lanterns or something happened in this issue. What I remember more clearly is that it also featured a preview of that boner-meltingly boring-looking Justice League Cry for Justice comic that they have been running in most DC titles lately. You know the one I mean: Hal Jordan is just whining for five pages while the other members of the JLA stand there and listen, contributing a few boring comments. Cry for Justice? More like Whine for Justice. Or Cry for Mercy. What about this preview would make people think "This is gonna be AWESOME!"

The battle continues? What battle? I don't want this battle to continue. If I were in the room with these superheroes I would want to leave.

Unwritten #2

It seems that Vertigo is knocking another one outta the park with this new Mike Carey series. The first issue, which was really long and only $1, was awesome and hopefully everyone picked it up. The second issue was equally promising, with lots of excitement and intrigue. The basic premise is a man whose estranged father wrote a wildly popular series of children's fantasy books featuring a lead character by the same name of his son, Tom Taylor (think Harry Potter). The real life Tom now makes a living doing the convention circuit as a guest, but now his life is taking a strange turn. There are several possibilities that he becomes aware of: one is that he is not his father's biological son. The other is that the world his father created is real, and that Tom Taylor is the Tommy Taylor from the books. It's fun and compelling, with great art by Peter Gross.

And here's good news: Marvel finally had the good sense to release the Joss Whedon run on Runaways in digest format! Yay! My collection is complete...until Kathryn Immonen starts writing Runaways. Because that is going to rule.

The Alphabetical John Buys Comics

Batman No. 687

I followed Batman RIP and Battle for the Cowl and by gum, I’m going to read this Batman Reborn jazz, too. I’ll tell you when they get terrible.

Okay, I’m nowhere near my copy of Batman and Robin as I write this but I would categorize that comic as being concerned with establishing the relationships and character dynamics of the rejiggered Bat-crew and getting Dick “Batman” Grayson involved in some of the crazy Bat-style crime-fighting that we all know and love. Judd Winick, here in Batman, appears to be concentrating more on how folks are dealing with and adapting to the loss of Bruce Wayne. There’s a lot of heartfelt conversation here, folks, but Winick’s not bad at that.

I don’t know… this is a decent comic. It and Battle for the Cowl make each other slightly redundant, but I’m prepared to side with the regular series over the special event. I wish that I had more to say about it, frankly, but I got nothing. It’s not bad, it doesn’t contradict anything, it fills in some gaps that maybe didn’t need to be filled in but do no harm by being so. Oh! And they stopped that distressing trend of making the Scarecrow look like the visually-unappealing Batman Begins version! Full points for that!

Batman Confidential No. 30

Meh. I swear that the first half of this two-parter wasn’t so cliché-ridden. The motivations and ultimate method of defeat of the Bad Cop are so old and lame that I didn’t see them coming because surely nobody would trot out that old shtick again, right? And then I groaned. This wee arc also fell into the old Legends of the Dark Knight/Star Wars prequels trap of involving too many to-be-important characters in their younger years in the plot. So Montoya last issue and now Barbara Gordon? Gotta tell you, that flings us all headlong into the already murky depths of the timeline of the Bat-career. Babs here looks like she has 5-10 years to go before she’s gonna be Batgirl and then 5-10 until she’s Oracle and then Oracle’s career - say 3-5 more years and then One Year Later and then maybe six months to a year since… So is Batman 20 here or was he 50 when he died? If this is Year One, why is Gordon’s hair white? Could I be more nerdy-picky?

Booster Gold No. 21

Ah, good. Booster Gold was never in danger of being dropped from my list but the focus of the story was starting to waver a bit. Now the Black Beetle is back and there’s some Batman action going on… I am a happy man.

Meanwhile, this is the first of DC’s new experiment in doubling up lower-selling features. I have to say that I’m pretty in favour of the whole thing, as most of them are, like Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, the sort of comic that I like a whole lot and that get cancelled with depressing frequency. This issue shows that it can be done right, now let’s see if it’ll continue.

The Blue Beetle tale picks up where the series left off, with Jaime having to deal with the aftermath of rebooting his scarab and of his best friends being a couple. Also: a 40s-style giant robot named THINKO! and a family of criminal roboticists named von Neumann. I remain a happy man.

BPRD: War on Frogs No. 3

I guess that I haven't talked about this series before, huh? War on Frogs, for all of you non-BPRDers out there, is a series that is coming out in between the regular BPRD series, so one issue in six, essentially. They're character studies, taking place during the Bureau's a-while-ago-now effort to contain the horrible frog people that had been released into the world to herald the coming apocalypse. This one focuses on pyrokinetic Liz Sherman and is neato bandito. Artist Karl Moline delivers the most wearable-looking BPRD jackets yet!

John Arcudi writes this one, which highlights one of the interesting things about the world that BPRD and Hellboy and so forth are set in: it's all very much Mike Mignola's baby, but there's such an impressive level of artistic/editorial/writerly cooperation and collaboration that something that was at one point basically a one-man show has slowly becoome something that a multitude of people can work on and still produce a comic that fits right in with those thaat came before. Huzzah, Dark Horse!

Plus: exploding frog heads.

Red Robin No. 1

Another of those pesky Batman Reborn books, featuring Time Drake in the Red Robin getup that Jason Todd ditched at the end of Countdown and searching the world for Bruce Wayne. I'm glad that Tim's got a title even though Damian the jerk has taken over as Robin, now let's see how good it turns out to be.

Well, here are the good points:

- The Red Robin costume is boss. Easily one of the best designs from Kingdom Come, even if its presence  in the regular DCU is tinged with Countdown badness.

- This world tour that Robin is on is showing off some neat bits of the planet that regular nordamericano-centric comics don't, which is always fun.

- The more Damian-as-total-dick we get now, the more satisfying his eventual comeuppance will be.

And the problematic:

- For the most stable member of the Batman Family, Tim's acting awful crazy.  I guess that his lif has been slowly whittled away over the last twenty years or so... let's wait and see if he finds Bruce or not.

That's all I can think of just now. I was going to ask where Tim was getting all of his motorcycles as he traveled the world but it was covered in Batman in Barcelona so I shall keep my big mouth shut.

And the returning contestants:

Action Comics No. 878 - General Lane: “They can make diamonds out of coal with their bare hands, Lieutenant. Do you really think they’ve even the slightest inclination to be our friends?” That’s right, this is the issue that firmly establishes that the grand anti-Kryptonian/anti-superhuman conspiracy is headed by people who make wild assumptions all the time. And more than that one! These people are not good at their jobs!

Final Crisis Aftermath: Escape No. 2 - Oh man, I'm so confused. I'm... I'm going to have to read this again once it's all done. This has the potential to be one of the best comics of the year, or one of the worst, depending on how it all ends.

Flash: Rebirth No. 3 - This remains a good comic, but the more I read it, thhe more I realize that Barry Allen died when i was five and that i have a fair amount invested in the subsequent Flash mythos. I sure hope that all of that good stuff doesn't just get trampled underfoot in order to restore a status quo that's been gone almost as long as it existed in the first place.

Green lantern Corps No. 37 - Man, Sinestro Corps members all tend toward the ugly, don't they? Maybe they'd be nicer if people could get past that. Hey, this seems like as good a place to ask as any other: the Justice League: Cry for Justice preview says that it's coming out in July, and Hal Jordan is front and centre, whining his ass off. Shouldn't he be hip-deep in Blackest Night about then? What's the deal here?

Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers No. 2 - This comic remains a super-fun time. It's kinetic and funny and just plain fun to read. Ka-Zar's pal Zabu joins up this issue, Throg gets a good line, Ms. Lion is evidently the dog version of Johnny Thunder and Devil Dinosaur gets in on the action. Unadulterated good times.

R.E.B.E.L.S. No. 5 - Even if I didn't love Vril Dox and even if I wasn't happy to see best-Khund-ever Amon Hakk in comics again and even if this wasn't Legion of Super-Heroes-related, this comic would be worth it for the upcoming origin of Starro the Conquorer. I mean, what has it been, forty, fifty years since his first appearance. If this is done right, then Starro could make a far more compelling replacement for Darkseid than the somewhat dreary Lady Styx.

Plus: the spions look much cooler with their new puffy lizard heads.

Sherlock Holmes No. 2

The Strange Adventures of HP Lovecraft No. 2

The Unwritten No. 2

2009 Mid-Point Check-In

Here we are in June, which means the year is half over! Holy smokes! It seems like yesterday that I wrote my epic Best of 2008 post. I thought I would do a check-in post to see how some of the best titles of 2008 are faring now.

Action Comics/Supergirl

Action Comics and Superman are now being written by Greg Rucka and James Robinson, with Sterling Gates on Supergirl. Action Comics was number one on my Best Of list last year thanks to the awesome Geoff Johns/Gary Frank Legion and Brainiac stories. Those stories paved the way for the highly entertaining New Krypton/World Without Superman that we are getting now in Superman, Action Comics, Supergirl and World of New Krypton. Despite the absence of my boy Geoff Johns, the story is still one of my favourites happening in comics right now. I think Sterling Gates and Jamal Igle have been doing a great job with Supergirl, and I love Pete Woods' and Renato Guedes' art on the other titles. And I get a taste of Gary Frank with some of the New Krypton covers, so that's nice. The other great thing about this current storyline is that, between the four titles, we are getting a piece of the story every week. If we think back to a couple of years ago, the Superman titles were a scheduling nightmare. Kurt Busiek's Camelot Falls storyline in Superman went on for like a million years, and Geoff John's Last Son story in Action Comics went on for slightly longer, both plagued by crazy delays resulting in way too many fill-in issues. The Superman family of titles is now a well-oiled machine...a machine that makes awesome comics!

Still on the Best Of list? Yes

Tiny Titans

I mentioned in a recent post that I am surprised and delighted that kids love this series so much. I haven't met many people, young or old, who don't love this series. Definitely one of the most fun and innovative superhero comics every created for young children, Tiny Titans is introducing kids to a crazy array of DC characters in the most hilarious ways possible. The art is adorable and can be easily replicated by the kids who read the comics. The jokes work on many levels. The short story format holds the attention of kids and myself alike. I love this book.

Still on the Best Of list? Aw yeah!

Ghost Rider

So Ghost Rider has been completely awesome every since Jason Aaron took over early last year. So Marvel was like "Hmmmm...it's pretty awesome...but what if it was CRAZY AWESOME?!" And thus we now have Tony "Walking Dead" Moore doing the art. To me, Ghost Rider is a perfect example of why comic books need to exist. You just won't get this exact storytelling formula from any other medium. It's insane, violent, hilarious, ridiculous fun. Every issue. Jason Aaron is my pick for best writer of the year so far, because between this, Scalped, Wolverine: Weapon X, and all the single issues of things he's been writing, he's been kicking ass.

Still on the Best Of list? HELL YES

Watchmen Mania!

So the Watchmen movie happened. And it seems like Watchmen Mania has calmed down quite a bit. I no longer work in a comic shop, so I am not on the front lines, but I would say that no one is really talking about this book anymore. But I liked the movie. I really did. I only saw it the once, and I haven't seen the animated Black Freighter yet, but I am planning on watching the long-ass director's cut with the animated bits included when it's released on DVD.

Since this is an abstract phenomenon, and not an actual thing, I am not going to say whether or not it is still on the list. But I will say that I think the movie was good, so my excitement about it last year was not wasted.

I may as well mention the other comic-related movies thus far. Wolverine was a miss. Star Trek was the greatest.

Wonder Woman

We are one issue away from the end of the Rise of the Olympian storyline. Gail Simone is still rocking Wonder Woman like she created her. Aaron Lopresti is still drawing beautiful art in every issue. I feel like Simone's run on Wonder Woman has been an effort to isolate the character from the DCU (ie - the Justice League) so she can be more properly constructed. Wonder Woman has been given the dignity she deserves, and I would say that it's getting near time she was reintegrated back into the larger DCU. I'd like to see her interacting with other characters more.

Still on the Best Of list? YES

The Incredible Herc

I love this comic so much. I have been buying it in trade format, mainly because somewhere way back I missed a couple of issues and then I ended up waiting for the trade and so forth. The same thing happened with Scalped. I am thinking about doing more trade-waiting and less issue-buying because I really do enjoy reading stories when they are all collected. But anyway.

This comic follows the adventures of two delightful characters, Hercules and Amadeus Cho. It's barrels of fun with the best sound effects I have ever read. I love this comic so much that I followed our heroes over to The Mighty Avengers, which is a title I never read before but now I really enjoy. There are three trades of The Incredible Herc out now, and I highly recommend all of them.

Still on the Best Of list? YES

Top Ten Season Two

This has very slowly been coming out. Have we only gotten one new issue this year? Well, that issue was good.

Still on the Best Of list? Sure

The Amazing Spider-Man

We are now a year and a half into the near-weekly Spider-Man series experiment and I would definitely say it is a success. Lately I have felt it is starting to fray at the edges a bit (some fill-in art, some books with several artists, etc), but it's still pretty strong. Even though I hated the last issue, I am very impressed with the overall effort of the Spider-Man team, and it is often one of my favourite comics each week. The 24/7 story, which wrapped up a couple of issues ago, was fantastic.

Still on the Best Of list? YES

Secret Six

For real I love this comic. I am so happy it's an ongoing series. I think it just keeps getting better, too.

Still on the Best Of list? YES

The Age of the Sentry

Sadly, this piece of awesome is over now. While it lasted, it was just an absolutely fantastic and loving tribute to the Silver Age, and featured beautiful art by artists such as Michael Cho and Colleen Coover. The trade is coming out soon, and it should be on a lot of critics' Best of 2009 lists. Fortunately, Jeff Parker is currently writing a lot of other great comics, like Exiles, Agents of Atlas and Mysterius the Unfathomable.

Still on the Best Of list? YES

The Umbrella Academy

I'm not gonna lie to you: I haven't read a single issue of the second Umbrella Academy series. I don't know why. I guess I am waiting for the trade.

Still on the Best Of list? Maybe?

Zorro

Francesco Francavilla took a break from doing the interior art on this series, but Cesar Rezac did a great job in his absence. I see that Francavilla is listed as the artist for the August issue, so that's exciting. I really enjoy this comic a lot. I think it's highly underrated, especially since Matt Wagner is writing it and he only writes things that are great. I think the first trade is finally being released soon.

Still on the Best Of list? YES

Daisy Owl

I read that the creator of Daisy Owl, Ben Driscoll, was recently able to quit his dayjob and focus on Daisy Owl fulltime! This is very exciting news for both him and for us fans. I bought a signed print of one of my favourite Daisy Owl strips, which I received and promptly spilled water on, ruining it forever. Sad face. I really can't wait until there is a book that collects this comic, which is perfect in every way.

Still on the Best Of list? YES

Batman: Brave and the Bold Cartoon

Not only is this still an awesome cartoon show, it is now an awesome comic as well! I am certainly buying the DVD collection of the first season of the show as soon as it drops. It's basically the only way I can get a proper Batman fix these days, too.

Still on the Best Of list? YES

And The Rest...

I want to give a shout out to series that are definitely headed to my Best of 2009 list if they keep up the good work:

Daredevil (a masterpiece of long-format superhero storytelling)
Captain America (Bucky is sexy)
Green Lantern/Blackest Night (This shit is about to jump off for real)
Scalped (I am going to have to do a whole other post about how awesome Scalped is)
Mysterius the Unfathomable (It's new! It's different! It's awesome!)
Batman and Robin (I don't think it's too early to call this one)
Unwritten (One of the most compelling first issues I have read in a long time)
Jersey Gods (I think I owe this series its own blog post as well)
The Muppet Show (Well, I mean, obviously)
Jonah Hex (I feel like they have stepped up the game this year...and the game was already pretty awesome)
Power Girl (I have really high hopes for this)
Wolverine: Weapon X (Jason Aaron and Wolverine is just a great combination)
Exiles (A delightful ragtag group of mutants from various dimensions)

And that's just from what's come out so far! I mean, we still have things like DC's Wednesday Comics and Darwyn Cooke's Parker book to look forward to!

2009 is gonna be a good year!

Licensed To Ill

    The latest issue of Previews contained a solicitation that caught me off guard; coming this August, Boom! Studios will be releasing a Die Hard prequel comic, set in 1976 and featuring the exploits of a rookie cop named John McClane in New York. Seeing as how Die Hard is one of my all-time favourite films, and a must-watch holiday standard in my household, I was certainly intrigued, but cautiously so—licensed books like this are usually something of a crapshoot, with the emphasis heavily on the crap. So, in the interest of keeping everything in perspective, I thought I’d examine the idea of licensed properties from other media coming to comics with two recent examples in mind—Dynamite Entertainment’s The Man With No Name series, and Boom! Studios’ The Muppet Show. These two examples are polar opposites in terms of subject matter and, some might say, quality, but I believe that between them, they highlight some of the specific challenges creators face when asked to adapt a popular movie or TV show to the comic format.

    The Man With No Name comic series, written by Christos Gage and illustrated by Wellington Diaz, debuted in 2008 from Dynamite, following the continuing adventures of Clint Eastwood’s poncho-wearing, cheroot-puffing hero from Sergio Leone’s famous “Dollars” trilogy—A Fistful of Dollars, For A Few Dollars More, and The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. This concept appealed to me even more than Die Hard does; while Die Hard is one of my favourite movies, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is my all-time favourite movie. However, the initial concept of a series based on Eastwood’s legendary gunslinger had me scratching my head a bit—I mean, technically, the whole “Man With No Name” thing was essentially a marketing gimmick that MGM struck upon when importing the Spaghetti Western series to the States. Eastwood is credited as playing “Joe” in A Fistful of Dollars, “Monco” in For A Few Dollars More, and “Blondie” in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, so you can’t really say that he has no name. In fact, with that in mind, you could even argue that he’s not even really playing the same guy in all three films. So, producing a book “starring” that character is a bit of a cheat, since he amounts to little more than a wardrobe, some props, and a predilection for stony silence.

    My initial misgivings proved to be correct, as The Man With No Name is merely a western comic featuring a guy who dresses sort of like Clint Eastwood in need of a serious haircut. However, he’s far more of a modern action hero, with lots more running, jumping, and firing of multiple rounds of ammunition than Eastwood ever did back in the day. It might have been wrong of me to expect the crazy-long stretches of silence, the intense staredowns that seemingly go on forever, and the decisive, expertly-placed single shots that end the showdowns in all the Leone pictures, but that’s what I expect from a story based on that property.  The reason to watch those films isn’t Eastwood’s character (he’s a bit thin, after all), it’s the gallows humour, the eerie build-up to lightning-quick violence, the sardonic emphasis on greed and its inevitable consequences, and, of course, the unforgettable Ennio Morricone music. The Man With No Name (which, I understand, is soon being retitled as The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly) fails because it tries to sell a character when it should be selling an overall mood (as an aside, for a much better example of the genre being translated to comic form, check out Scott Morse’s 2004 graphic novel from Oni Press, the somewhat lazily-titled Spaghetti Western).

      On the other hand, there’s The Muppet Show comic from Boom! Studios’ new Boom! Kids line. Written and illustrated by Roger Langridge, this four-issue series is an outstanding example of a licensed property making the leap to comics. Each issue manages the Herculean task of actually feeling like an episode of the original Muppet Show, combining backstage shenanigans with familiar sketches like Pigs In Space and The Swedish Chef (and, of course, copious heckling from Statler and Waldorf). Additionally, this title features possibly the best incorporation of original song lyrics in comics since Alan Moore’s use of music in titles like V For Vendetta and Top Ten. Langridge’s dialogue is sharp and funny and totally true to the Muppet characters, his stories manage to be both humourous and touching without being schmaltzy, and his artwork is at once simple, textured, and expressive. Additionally, it’s a suitable read for both kids and nostalgic grown-ups. This is a textbook example of how to do a licensed property justice—the final product feels like The Muppet Show, only being read instead of watched.
      I am somewhat encouraged by the fact that The Muppet Show is being produced by the same publisher that will be bringing us Die Hard Year One this summer, but I still worry that this will just be a generic action comic featuring a guy named John McClane who kinda-sorta looks like a young Bruce Willis (I haven’t seen the interior art yet, so I might be way off). Maybe he’ll meet a young Holly Gennaro and they’ll talk about how they always wanted to go to L.A., or he’ll pass by a young, well-dressed Eurothug named Hans Gruber on the streets of New York and have a shiver of premonition. In any event, I strangely find myself hoping that the final result is more Kermit the Frog than Clint Eastwood. 
 

This Week's Haul: Blame The Wire

Two things:

1. I am watching The Wire for the first time and it is preventing me from reading my comics in a timely manner.

2. Tiina is away on tour with her band for the next month or so.

Late reviews that are very short!!!

Amazing Spider-Man #596

I had to figure that EVENTUALLY, after a year and a half of printing an almost weekly Spider-Man comic, there would have to be one issue that was just terrible. This was that issue. I don't even know where to start. Between the booger and diarrhea-related gags, the fact that EVERYONE was talking like a 21-year-old idiot, and the prostitutes, this was probably the most painful comic I have read since...I dunno. Has Jeph Loeb ever written Witchblade?

BRUTAL, Marvel. BRUTAL. For the first time since Brand New Day started, I don't feel like reading the rest of this storyline.

The one good thing I will say about it is that I noticed that the artist, Paulo Siqueira, draws anatomy really well. Like, the prostitutes had realistic bodies. So, that was good, I guess.

World of New Krypton #4

Three of the most attractive Green Lanterns take an impossible break from the events that are going on in their own comic books to show up for a tour of New Krypton, and they aren't impressed. Hal regards the place like I do an American city that doesn't have a Target: it sucks and it needs to be destroyed. After they douchily hover all over the planet and decide it blows, they basically tell New Krypton to watch its back. By the way, have I mentioned how hot Superman looks in that Kryptonian military uniform? Rrrrao!

Batman & Robin #1

As if there is a single comic fan who hasn't read this. It's awesome. It will continue to be awesome.

The Muppet Show #3

Man, seriously. SERIOUSLY. This is just such an incredible comic book accomplishment. Roger Langridge is now topping my list of people I am excited to meet at this year's HeroesCon (only two weeks away!).

Jonah Hex #44

This is the first of a six-part Jonah Hex storyline, which is a completely new format for the comic. I hope it works and gets a lot more people to buy this comic every month. My girl Tallulah Black is a part of this storyline, so that makes me happy. Also making me happy are the first images of Josh Brolin from the set of the Jonah Hex movie!

Secret Six #10

I think Deadshot is going to have to be rated as a super hunk soon. This would make him the first villain (or villain-esque character) to be rated.

Henchman Fashion File: The Monarch of Menace's Serfs

Happy Saturday, all youse folks. It's rainy here in John-Land, but I'm snug and warm in my new Orange Lantern shirt, thanks to a birthday sale-abration at Strange Adventures, the bestest comic store ever. Larfleeze would be proud, i think. No, wait. Larfleeze would kill me and take the shirt for his own.

Today we're going to be looking at the Monarch of Menace, a jaunty fellow who bedeviled Batman way back in Detective Comics No. 350.

 The Villain:

The Monarch was a Batman villain in the classic "costumed thief" mode, except where, say, the Riddler spent his time working on death traps and ways to stick rebuses to downtown billboards, he put all of his energy into the fine art of getting away from the scene of the crime. This is actually a pretty good strategy, I reckon. Why risk Arkham for the fleeting joy of seeing Batman almost get squashed by a giant rubber duck when you can escape to the jungles of South America with millions of dollars and have trained monkeys act it out for you every night before you go to your extremely occupied bed?

And sure enough, just having escaped from Batman was enough to make the Monarch's name. Batman just stared sadly at his portrait every night, saying "Sigh... sigh..."

But just how did the Monarch achieve these goals? How did he evade the Dark Knight Detective where so many others had failed? Well, first off he had glue-dispensing shoes, to trip up pursuers, then a gas-dispensing cloak to sap their strength, a shock-dispensing scepter to stun them and finally a hypnotic lights-dispensing crown to keep them down. Here's an illustrated cheat sheet for you:

 The Henchmen:

I'm calling these guys the Serfs, due to their lack of an actual name. Unlike poor deluded Birdmaster, the Monarch seems to have skipped the fanatical cultists and gone straight for the standard DC Comics Thug, of the kind that, throughout the Forties, Fifties and Sixties, infested every remotely urban area from Smallville to Star City - note, for instance, the accent. This makes sense: even though there is no actual evidence that a DC Thug ever got away with committing a crime more serious than jaywalking from the advent of Superman onward, they at least know how costumed law-enforcement operates due to having been socked inna labonza by it so many times. Of course, the Monarch of Menace is a theme-driven man, so he outfits them all in lime-green tunics, laced sandals and flowing wigs. I'm guessing that it's only his successful track record that keeps him from being force-fed his own crown by his loyal goons.

Attractiveness of Costume:

This is not a very nice-looking costume. The Medieval serf, hard worker though he might have been, has never been looked upon as history's fashion plate. These guys are probably dressed in material a hundred times better than any serf ever even saw, let alone wore, but there's no helping some outfits. Plus, taken out of context like this, it kind of looks like Batman is being attacked by a gang of poorly-dressed transvestites - I'm sure that there was a lot of confusion on the streets of Gotham.

Why the Monarch chose to go with a serf theme over, say, a gang of dukes or courtiers or something is a mystery to me - a sadistic streak, perhaps? He does gain some credit for letting his guys wear sweatpants and ditch the wigs while hanging around the jungle headquarters, but  that doesn't absolve him of his design sins.

2/5

 Utility of Costume:

While it's not really adding anything to these guys' job performance, this costume is certainly not holding them back: no long sleeves to get in the way when they go to pick something up, no binding at the crotch when they run, no splitting at the seams when they bend over... it's not losing any points here.

It's not really gaining any, either. About the only really useful descision that the Monarch made about this whole getup was to assign his guys pistols instead of training them all in the use of the polearm or something. Admittedly, they have to carry their guns in-hand all the time, unless there's some sort of highly-disturbing inner-thigh holster that I don't know about, but just think of the time he saved! While the Baron of Burglary is holding a two-week intensive course in how to deflect a Batarang with a glaive-guisarme, the Monarch of Menace has probably robbed five or six banks, slight thematic anachronism be damned.

3/5

Budget for Costumes:

I want to say that the Monarch of Menace just made a quick stop at a factory outlet for half a dozen surplus XXL green t-shirts, then robbed a discount wig store, but when I look at these outfits I actually think that they might be a cut above that. Oh, they're ugly, but they're so... uniform! I can't believe that the Monarch didn't have them tailored. Likewise, the wigs are meticulously if questionably styled, and where the hell are you going to get sandals like that nowadays? I'll bet that he had them custom-made.

Technically, I should give him some points here for budgeting his costumes so well, but I just can't get past how bad they are. One point off for not using the wig fund to hire some sort of fashion consultant.

2/5

Chance for Bonus Points: Does the Villain Have a Lieutenant With a Marginally Cooler Costume and Possibly a Name?

Well, kind of.

See, the Monarch has a son, a disappointing son. A son who he dresses up like a court jester and makes fun of with the help of his hired goons (quote: "You're th' greatest! And your son's the worst! HO - HO - HO!"). I'm not too sure what the kid did to draw such mockery - from the context of the story it might just be that he's a clumsy guy.

So no bonus points for you, Monarch of Menace. You could have made your kid the Pilfering Prince of the Dauphin of Distress but you just had to act like a jerk instead. That's no way to parent.

Don't worry, though, it all comes back to bite him in the ass. The son is so desperate to impress/show up the father that he heads to Gotham in a spare Monarch of Menace suit to prove that he's got the chops. He gets captured by Robin in about fiive minutes of course, but that's still showing some cojones. Seeing how Batman and Robin get along and don't constantly make fun of one another and Batman only sometimes forces Robin to dress in humiliating outfits, Monarch of Menace, fils throws in with the Dynamic Duo to help lure his father back to Gotham for capture.

Well, the Monarch rated slightly higher than the Birdmaster with a 7/15. Let's look at his final fate:

Well, I guess it beats getting torn apart by giant eagles. Any last thoughts, Batman and Robin?

There are reasons that people make jokes about you, guys.

Good day!