My Back Pages

My gal-pal Hillary walked in on me rummaging through the bedroom closet earlier this evening, frantically rooting through boxes of comics in a vain attempt to find something, anything, to blog about. “What are in all those bags up there?” she asked, pointing to the closet’s top shelf. I told her that they were mostly filled with my original art for various minicomics I’d done over the years, plus a lot of other projects that burst into flames on the runway (in other words, I got distracted and abandoned them partway through). Looking through them, I stumbled across something cool that I thought I’d lost in a move years ago—the first original page of comic art I’d ever purchased. It’s the final page of issue twelve of Legends of the DC Universe, the now-defunct anthology title from the late Nineties. This two-part tale, written by Christopher Priest and drawn by Ken Lashley, starred the Silver Age incarnation of the Justice League of America. I bought it from the issue’s inker, Ron Boyd, at my first ever comics convention in Toronto in 1999. I was determined to come home from that con with a piece of original art, and was pretty stoked that I had purchased a page featuring Green Lantern, the Flash, and Zatanna for a pretty reasonable sum. It's a swell page featuring a good old-fashioned cliffhanger ending. However, at some point, it got packed away into a bag, thrown onto a pile, and more or less forgotten. Here it is...

...and, just for fun, here's the final, coloured page as it appears in the comic:

Looking at this page, two things became quickly apparent to me. First, I really should get this framed and put up on the wall one of these days before I forget about it again. Second, it’s a bit of a relic, which makes me sad. If you were to buy a page from just about any comic published today, it would look quite a bit different. The lettering in the word balloons on this page is pasted on, whereas today it never physically appears on the original art—it’s added in digitally. The artwork on this page doesn’t make the usual allowances for digital colouring that you would normally see, leaving areas blank for computerized trickery and the like. Lots of pages are now digitally inked, or not inked at all as computer colours are sometimes applied directly to the scanned pencils. At some point, it’s conceivable that the very concept of original pages for sale might be a thing of the past, what with you kids and your Photoshop and your Wacom tablets and so on. This bums me out a bit, since I really love looking at a page of original art and seeing notes to the inker scrawled in the borders, or a telltale spot of liquid paper where somebody made a goof, or the little brown spot where a teensy bit of coffee got spilled. These little touches are what I love the most about seeing original comic pages—all the various layers of interference between creator and fan disappear. You’re no longer reading a comic, you’re looking at a drawing somebody did.

I love that, after a lifetime of reading and enjoying comics, there’s always a new angle to appreciate them from—even if it’s of the wistful, things-were-better-in-my-day variety. I’m heading up to Toronto for the Hobbystar Fan Expo later this month, pretty much exactly ten years after I bought this page. I’m hoping that when I get there, I’ll find lots of cool original art for sale. I also hope, once I’ve financially recovered from the trip, to get that damn Legends of the DC Universe page (with its newfound relevance—Hal Jordan and Barry Allen are, after all, back in action these days) finally framed and put on the wall!
 

Archie Sunday: Archie's Choice

In case you haven't heard, Archie is going to be popping the question to Veronica this week in Archie #600.

To celebrate the momentous occassion, I have decided to take a look at all the Riverdale women that Archie has chosen Veronica over.

Betty Cooper

Obviously Betty is everyone's first choice for Archie. She's sweet, she's talented, and she's pretty. She does, however, have an unfortunate obsession with Archie that makes her seem deranged. Especially since she is clearly too good for him. She tries too hard, and that is why she loses. It's an unfortunate situation where she tries to win Archie by being the better person than Veronica, but Archie isn't interested because Betty is too easy a catch. Archie is a douche.

Cheryl Blossom

Cheryl makes Veronica Lodge look like Ma Kent. Cheryl is the Queen Bitch of Riverdale, and she also comes off as a stone slut. I am sure that Archie will be cheating on Veronica with Cheryl during their marriage many times.

Midge Klump

Midge is the ultimate "look but don't touch" girl in Riverdale. In fact, don't even look. Because Moose will pound your face in if he catches you. So I don't blame Archie for passing on Midge. I like Midge but I never understood why she would allow her boyfriend to beat the hell out of every boy she talked to. And poor Reggie. He was a pawn in Midge and Moose's sick game that involved Midge leading Reggie into seductive traps just so Moose could beat him to near death. In fact, I would run the hell away from Midge if I were Archie. I'll bet she's into some weird stuff.

Ethel Muggs

Aw poor Ethel. Awkward in both appearance and personality, Ethel isn't getting second glances from any boys. I like Ethel, but that girl needs to find some self respect, even more than Betty does. But it would help if everyone wasn't so damn mean to her.

Nancy Woods

Nancy seems nice, and is certainly attractive, but her defining characteristic seems to be that she is very hard on her boyfriend, Chuck. And I think is one of the better men in Riverdale. I was also always glad that the only two black students at Riverdale High found each other. How convenient. I always thought Chuck and Nancy would be the first to get married. Because Nancy would demand it.

Brigitte Reilly

Brigitte is a lesser-known "fat girl" who started appearing around Riverdale in the 90s. Frankly, I think she is one of the greatest catches in Archie comics. She's pretty, fashionable, very nice, and she is on her way to being a famous singer. PLUS she dated Dilton Doiley! Basically Brigitte represents me in the Archie world. I am sure the writers paired her up with Dilton because they figure the only guy who is gonna date a fatty is a total loser nerd, but the joke is on them because those two are destined to be a very rich and successful power couple.

ComicVine.com has this to say about Brigitte: "She is a bit overweight but is popular because of her great singing voice." I love how that is worded. It's like "despite being disgusting to look at, she has won friends because she is nice to listen to." And Wikipedia notes that she "has been made as attractive as possible." Y'know, for a hippo.

Sabrina Spellman

Now obviously there are countless reasons why it's a good idea to hook up with Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Or at least one really good one: She is magic. She can do or make anything! I mean, that's the kind of power that's good to associate yourself with. She is also very cute and perfectly nice, by Riverdale standards (she has only intentionally injured a few people). Weird in-laws, though.

Josie and the Pussycats: Josie McCoy, Melody Valentine, Valerie Brown

Josie and Valerie are awesome and Melody is stupid. I think both Josie and Valerie are great all-around ladies and either would be a much better girlfriend or wife than Veronica Lodge. But the Pussycats can't be tied down like that, yo. Plus, Josie's got Alan M, and that dude is a total dreamboat.

So I guess that Archie's choice to marry Veronica is ok. They really do deserve each other, and I am hopeful that Betty will find a much better guy. She just needs to move the hell out of Riverdale.

Sometimes John Doesn't Have to Buy Comics

Did I ever tell you that I was a procrastinator? I am! I put things off! Here’s a story to illustrate:

About a month or so ago, Benjamin Shahrabani of Com.X Comics got in touch with me and asked if I wanted review copies of a couple of Com.X publications. Now, you may have noticed that I spend good money to review things already, so doing it for free is a no-brainer - I think that the only time that I wouldn’t accept a review copy is if it looked like I’d hate what’s being offered and it’s being offered by a creator or a smaller outfit rather than a faceless corporation (Fun Fact: remember when we reviewed those X-Men DVDs and we were not kind? Well, they responded to our scorn by offering us Season 2 to review. The scars were too deep to accept, I’m afraid). I’m not a monster, after all.

So the books arrived and I sat on them for a week and then I read one and sat on them for another week and my friend ran off with one and I got it back and read it and sat on them for another couple of weeks, in the meantime writing long posts about Green Arrow in the woods and how Batman should dance more.

Luckily, Benjamin seems to be a very patient guy and has responded to my poor review punctuality with aplomb. Good show, sir! Look: your postage was not in vain!

The first of the Com.X books that I read was entitled Razorjack, by John Higgins. Razorjack is a perfect example of the joy of getting review copies, because I’m pretty sure that I never would have picked this book up on my own - not that it looks bad, so much as that it doesn’t have the proper plumage to fire up the wallet-opening portions of my brain (Tip for publishers looking to attract that ever-so-lucrative Johnathan Market: top ways to attract my eye include images of super-heroes having lunch, titles that are elaborate puns, robots, guys with the approximate build of a gorilla punching monsters).

I think that I might’ve been in a bad mood the first time I read this, because I remember liking it but being grumpy at the same time. Like one of the fonts used for a special character’s speech balloons really stuck in my craw, but now it looks fine. Maybe it’s a good thing that I procrastinated after all.

So Razorjack is an interdimensional conqueror type who is into bondage gear (and aren’t they all, those interdimensional conquerors? I think that it’s high time for a pan-universal tyrant who has some more esoteric tastes in fashion - one who dresses like an English professor or like someone from Renaissance Italy, only with a Viking hat) and has just discovered our dimension, leading to all kinds of crazy attempts to open a portal between where she is and where we are, for the purpose of further conquering. Oh, the wackiness: piles of severed heads and angry, bullet-riddled zombies and possessed drama students abound!

The heroes of the piece are Ross (the young lady on the cover) and Frame, a couple of maverick police types who get mixed up in the inevitable rash of violent deaths that always seem to accompany an attempt by an evil nigh-omnipotent interdimensional warlord to pass from one dimension to the next (and how different would those old JLA/JSA teamups have been if crossing from Earth-1 to Earth-2 required a series of ritualistic murders? Jay Garrick and Barry Allen all running toward that guy on the cover of Flash No. 123 holding knives…). I guess that I can’t really go into the details without giving too much away, but there’s all kinds of crazy hoodoo and blood and such. It wasn’t quite to my taste, I must admit, but not due to any fault with the comic. Actually, I’d kind of like to see the further adventures that are hinted at at the end, as the abandoned building where everything went down becomes a crazy portal to innumerable dimensions and it’s supernatural detective vs. Razorjack across space and time. Hear that? That was the sound of my wallet trying to flip open reflexively at the sound  of the words "supernatural detective".

The second book was Path, by Gregory Baldwin and let me tell you, it was a hoot. If Razorjack was an exercise in being exposed to something new then this was one in saving a few bucks, because there’s a pretty damn good chance that I would have picked it up if I’d seen it in a store.

Path is concerned with the adventures of one (1) anthropomorphic rabbit (Doppler) and one (1) anthropomorphic elephant (Dodge) as they attempt not to get eaten. The two bounce from hazard to hazard for the whole damn book, just barely squeaking out of one scrape in time to get into another. And it’s delightful! There’s not too much time for deep and meaningful examinations of character when Doppler and Dodge are constantly running for their lives but enough comes through to let you know that they’re both pretty damn enjoyable folks. I kept hoping that they’d have a couple of pages in which to rest and have a bit of a chat but no such luck.

Of course, it helps that everything looks so pretty. There’s lots of vertiginous landscape for our heroes to cling to and fall off of and giant creatures for them to flee and smaller creature for them to flee and even a giant robot at one point. And it all looks great. Mr Baldwin, I commend your monster design. Here: my scanner is out of commission but I lifted a couple of pages from Amazon:

This is where the whole thing starts - some crazy monster-filled canyon, somewhere.

And this is just one of the many things that try to eat our heroes. I think that it's a spire-dwelling life form.

In short, Path was fantastic. It's basically just wall-to-wall action and fun and crazy creatures. I cannot stress the crazy creatures enough. And with a great ending!

John out!

Snakepit: best read with a beer in your hand

Strange Adventures just got in an order from the awesome Microcosm Publishing, and I was super stoked because the newest Snakepit comic was in there. I've loved this diary style, punk-infused comic since I read the collection, My Life in the Jugular Vein, when I was on tour with my band last fall. Snakepit is simple concept: Ben Snakepit draws a comic for every day of his life. Every day has three panels, and a song to go along with it. Most days include come combination of work, band practice, eating some kind of delicious-sounding Mexican food (it takes place in Austin, Texas), and getting blazed. It's pretty minimalist in style and content, but deceptively so. Ben manages to sneak a lot into those three panels, from cute moments and jokes to pretty astute observations about punk music, relationships and getting old. The mundanity is part of what makes Snakepit more addictive than a bag of Doritos. (And I really like Doritos.) Each collection is a year in Ben's life, and after reading one through, you feel like you really know the dude. Like he's your roommate, giving you updates about what band he saw last night, or the lady troubles he's having. My favourite parts of the comic are always when Ben goes on tour, which he's done a lot. When you'er touring with a band, your day always feels like it fits into the rhythm of a Snakepit comic: driving somewhere/show/after party or something fun in a city/good dinner/show. You really can't fit more than three events into a day. Ben totally acurately represents the way tour is a combination of extremely bananas and pretty boring. But the tours are super fun to read about especially since Snakepit is a veritable who's who of rad American punk bands. Seriously, I much prefer these comics to like, Skyscraper, for finding out about awesome bands.

Snakepit 2008 is the definitely the quietest year for Ben. He's getting older, going to bed earlier. He's in a committed relationship, and he only goes on one tour.

 He gets and Playstation, so that dominates a lot of the action in the comic for a while for a while. But as a reader who's pushing thirty, I appreciated this. And since I feel like I've seen Ben partying for a few years, it's kinda nice to see him settle down. It has all the visual jokes, great music and burritos that I've come to love.

Hot Damn! John Buys Comics!

Blackest Night: Batman No 1 (of 3)

Word on the street - the e-street - is that Blackest Night was originally going to be a more self-contained event in the style of Sinestro Corps War but that the success of that last ring-based series led to it being expanded somewhat. I don’t know how true that is or whether this comic would exist regardless - Bruce Wayne’s skull is after all an important and apparently tasty participant in all of this, after all - but DC’s recent spate of luck at producing crossover comics that don’t enrage me seems to be holding.

It’s been hinted at before, but this is the comic that conclusively states that it’s not just super-powered folks that are being brought back by the black rings. Whoever is guiding these things is determined to mess with people, so we’re going to see a lot of dead parent Black Lanterns, which will probably include poor old Pa Kent.

This issue also features Deadman vs. Deadman’s corpse, which is keen to see and I guess indicates that whatever is going on here is purely physical in nature. (Hey, I’m piecing together a mystery! I love when that happens!) So DC’s small cadre of crime-fightin’ ghosts ain’t going nowhere, phew.

Finally, a couple of observations: firstly, they seem to have buried Bruce Wayne naked. I mean, I know that he was just a skeleton, but not even a pair of shorts? And secondly I think that they should adopt the Silver Age practice of putting a big red ‘II’ behind Dick Grayson Batman’s bat-symbol. It would really help me speed up the “which Batman am I reading just now?” process, because sometimes it’s hard to figure out. Wait, one more: I understand keeping, say, Killer Frost’s corpse under lock and key so that someone doesn’t steal it and make an army of cold ladies, but why the hell were they bothering with these guys? So that nobody reverse-engineers the astonishing ability to enjoy stealing jewels? So that North Korea doesn’t develop ventriloquism? Because twins are really close to clones? Bah!

ZOMBIE WATCH (as always, minor spoilers): Deadman, Earth-2 Superman, Martian Manhunter, the Dibnys, the Hawks, Blockbuster II, KGBeast, the Trigger Twins, Magpie, The Ventriloquist (best Black Lantern so far, I reckon), King Snake, Deacon Blackfire, Abbatoir, The Flying Graysons, Tim Drake’s parents.

Red Herring No. 1

This has the potential to be a really good time. I admit to not quite following everything that happened in this issue, but not in a poorly-written way. I fully expect to be able to piece things together at some point in the series, and that’s excellent - as I said above, I love a story in which I want to spend some brain-juice on the process of trying to figure things out as opposed to just observing the procedure of someone else solving things. Who wrote this thing, anyway? David Tischman, eh? Well, keep up the good work and I shall keep shelling out the sheckels. Entertain me!

So many questions does this book offer: Why are folks after Maggie MacGuffin? Who is the mysterious Red Herring? What’s up with Meyer Weiner? Why does everyone in this book have such a fantastic name?

Phillip Bond and David Hahn make things look real pretty, too - lots of fun character design and such. Man, Wildstorm is starting to become a hotbed of delight, although I’m gonna pass on that WildC.A.T.s stuff they’re hawking at the back (as refreshing as it is to read a DC comic without Magog lurking within).

Adventure Comics No. 1

Hot DAMN, Mr Johns.

First off, I recently reallized that I really like Superboy. Old school Superboy was just the perfect expression of the wackiness of the Silver Age while the clone version was an entertaining jerk in his own series and then an even more entertaining jerk-transitioning-to-okay-dude in Young Justice and then an interesting basket case (aiee! I'm half Luthor!) and then a corpse. But a heroic corpse, and one who got out of the corpse game just in time to avoid showing up in the ZOMBIE WATCH. Johns has done a pretty damn decent job of synthesizing the two: SB's living in Smallville, he's got the dog, he's got a blonde girl, he's got a youthful scientist traipsing about. But he's still half Luthor, and he's worried about it. I think that this is going to be big fun, and Johns is about to rake in some bucks for DC with Blackest Night so hopefully he'll be given free reign.

And don't even get me started about the Legion backup. I think... I think that both Quislet and matter-Eater Lad are going to be showing up. You don't even comprehend what that means to me.

Blackest Night No. 2 - I'm liking it! Still! And as long as fewer people are dead at the end as were at the beginning I shall continue to do so.

ZOMBIE WATCH: Hawkman, Aquaman, Deadman, Hawk, Dolphin, Tula, that poor sap Pariah, the dang Spectre, Tempest, Green Lanterns galore, Hawkgirl, the Dibnys, Firestorm. A few guys I didn't recognize.

R.E.B.E.L.S. No. 7 - Contains both the best picture of rogue Guardian of the Universe Scar ever (key point of greatness: she is not vomiting) and the most unnerving shapeshifting that I’ve seen in a while. Also the first comic that has actually presented the Gil’dishpan (the aliens that look like corduroy tubes with one little arm) in anything like a formidable light. “Going to war, the Gil’dishpan.” indeed! Just a thoroughly fun series.

The Red Circle: Inferno One-Shot - I have no idea who this guy is, but it’s okay because neither does he. Wait, I’ll look him up (look up, look up) Huh, I really had never heard of him before. Well, this version of him is like, if Captain Marvel were on fire and had a biker 'stache, which isn't a bad deal. Hangman’s in this one too and he looks much better! Not so beefy! Next week: The Web, which is the one that I’m looking forward to.

Batman No. 689 - Still fun. Some good Dick ‘n Alfred time, some fun bat-technology and an enjoyable Two-Face. And Two-Face’s Smart Goon has survived another issue! Who wants to start a pool on when he dies?

Red Robin No. 3 - I’m still torn on this comic, but I might just be tipping in the direction of liking it. I mean, sure Tim Drake is acting wildly out-of-character, but this issue makes a pretty good case for why he might be doing so. There’s a nice attention to detail across the board, in fact - at one point the Wild Huntsman shows up and I think “Awesome, the Wild Huntsman! Hey, isn’t he dead?” and Tim asks the same question on the next page. So I’m locking up the Nerd Rage and letting this comic speak for itself for a few more issues. Plus the cover looks fantastic. Plus plus, even though Tim’s getting involved in Blackest Night: Batman there’s no hint of Black Lanterns here, which is dashed good form.

Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers No. 4 (of 4) - That was a fun little series, although I guess that Lockjaw kicking Thanos’ ass is going to stick in some craws (“Noooooooooooo! This is worse than Dazzler beating Dr Doom! Please tell me there are robot Thanoses!”). Looks like there’s going to be an ongoing series in 2010 - don’t know if I’m going to push my luck there, especially as the Presidential Dog (as a Canadian I am not required to know its name) looks to be a recurring character. I like Barack Obama as much as the next guy who isn’t a Republican, but as far as circulation-boosters go he ain’t no gorilla-on-the-cover (mental montage: Batman having to hold the Living Barack Bomb off the ground to prevent him from exploding; Animal Man vs. the Mod Obama Boss). His dog ain’t even half a gorilla.

Werewolves on the Moon vs. Vampires No. 3 (of 3) - You know, this was a blast from start to finish. Just pure fun. Sure hope there is a second, as teased.

The Unwritten No. 4 - Man, are you guys all still reading this? You should still be reading this. It has not gotten any worse. To the contrary, in fact: it just keeps getting better. This is the super violent issue, though, if that's a problem for you. Really rough stuff.

B.P.R.D.: 1947 No. 2 - It grows late, so I'm going to keep the rest of these short. This is a fantastic series, some of the best BPRD ever. Giant toads!

Booster Gold No. 23 - Both halves: so good. Zatanna wears fishnets even in a post-demonic-apocalyptic future, in case you were wondering.

Final Crisis Aftermath: Escape No. 4 (of 6) - I will figure you out, Escape! I will figure out what is gooing on and why I like you so much!

I also picked up Saturn’s Children by Charles Stross this week. I can’t praise that man enough - the Atrocity Archive is one of my favourite things ever - and heartily endorse this tale of intrigue in a society of robots long after the extinction of humanity. Except for the cover, which is just as bad as I’d heard (and I’d heard that it was one of the worst cover ever - here’s a link) and makes me ashamed to be seen reading it in public (not that I don’t read it in public, I’m just ashamed). Oh, that the old tendency of publishers to release Canadian editions of books with the British cover instead of the American still held true!

Good Comic, Bad (But Sort-of Entertaining Anyway) Movie: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I really agonized for a long time over whether or not I would bother to see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. I’d been wanting a big-budget, live-action Joe film since I was like about eight years old, and here it finally was…only it was directed by the guy who made Van Helsing and all the characters were either dressed in leathery black armour instead of a multicoloured cornucopia of instantly recognizable, skill-specific (and completely ridiculous) costumes. It certainly seemed like the mini-genre of Paramount Pictures summer blockbusters based on Hasbro toy lines was not for the likes of me, given how Transformers turned out. However, in spite of myself, these last few weeks of relentless TV promotion worked their magic on me, and I found that I was kind of excited about G.I. Joe by the time it opened. I did temper my enthusiasm with several beers before seeing it, which was probably a smart move.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is not a good movie. It is most decidedly a bad one, but I don’t know that a motion picture based on cobbled-together elements of a toy line, a cartoon, and a Marvel comic series really has much of a chance of being legitimately good anyway. While it is definitely a bad movie, that doesn’t mean it’s not an occasionally entertaining one. I would never make the mistake of recommending it to anyone who didn’t grow up loving the toys and comics and cartoons, but as someone who did, I found a lot a stuff to enjoy. I also passed out for a stretch of ten minutes or so (due to a combination of those aforementioned beers and a particularly dull stretch of plot), and didn’t really miss anything significant. The further I get from having actually watched it, I find I’m having a really hard time remembering it, which is not good. But what I do remember, I remember more or less fondly, which is not bad.

The Rise of Cobra is, as the title indicates, a sort-of origin story. The script follows Joe noobs Duke and Ripcord as they are hastily recruited into the super-duper-top-secret organization called G.I. Joe, a covert group of military badasses who save the world on a regular basis. The Joes are guarding some sort of secret nanotechnology from sexy villainess the Baroness, shady weapons manufacturer James McCullen (AKA Destro), and ninja assassin Storm Shadow. The bad guys have a disfigured mad scientist working for them who is secretly manipulating everybody and, over the course of the story, sort of becomes Cobra Commander. Sadly, he does not once yell “COBRAAAA!”, but I guess they have to save something for the sequel. The Eiffel Tower gets wrecked, lots of shit blows up, and all sorts of crazy gadgets and weaponry are deployed—many of which are already available at a toy store near you.

It is a kick to see some of these guys come to life on the big screen. All the stuff involving Storm Shadow and his good-guy ninja nemesis, Snake-Eyes, is great fun. Evil master of disguise Zartan and science-villain Dr. Mindbender show up briefly, and Brendan Fraser has a cameo as Sgt. Slaughter during a training montage. Sienna Miller and Christopher Eccleston have fun chewing the scenery as the Baroness and Destro, respectively, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets to do a lot of crazy eyebrow acting over his breathing apparatus as The Doctor/Cobra Commander. I also found that I really enjoyed Dennis Quaid as General Hawk, the hard-ass leader of the Joes. Quaid seems to have comfortably settled into his role as a sort of discount-bin Harrison Ford these days, and he always seems to be one of the best things about the mediocre movies he appears in (Vantage Point, anyone?). One of the biggest drawbacks about the picture, unfortunately, is the two guys who we spend the most time with—Channing Tatum as Duke and Marlon Wayans as Ripcord. Wayans does what he can with the sidekick/comic relief role, but there’s just not anything to it. Tatum, on the other hand, has all the charisma of a tree stump. He’s got one note and he plays it for all it’s worth—every line is delivered in a sullen, sulky mumble that is supposed to be tough but is just plain annoying. There’s a super-dull subplot about his romance with the Baroness before she turned evil; I would recommend one of the tedious flashbacks dealing with this storyline as a perfect opportunity to take a bathroom break.

This movie is a bit of a mess. There is talk that is was rushed into production in anticipation of last year’s writing strike, which would explain quite a bit. A lot of the special effects are really terrible, and the script does feel like it was written over a weekend. However, if I was a screenwriter and some producer dumped a bunch of comics and toys on my desk and told me to somehow make a coherent storyline out of it as quickly as possible, I probably wouldn’t do much better. I would say that Stephen Sommers channeled his inner ten-year old to direct this movie, but his movies all sort of feel as though they were made by a child (somehow, this is simultaneously the best and worst thing about them). This is the kind of movie where a guy is named Dr. Mindbender for no good reason other than to reference an action figure. How you feel about that will probably tell you if you should bother seeing this film. For better or worse, Sommers has made G.I. Joe into a two-hour, $175 million toy commercial, one that is only insulting if you expect much more than that and only as engaging as your childhood nostalgia will allow it to be. “Knowing is half the battle”, General Hawk tells us (in one of many nods to the old cartoon); knowing how to skew your movie to a pretty specific and limited demographic, apparently, is the other half.