Avengers: Under Siege (Now With 100% Less Steven Seagal!)

Pardon our tumbleweeds, regular readers. I know we haven’t posted much lately, but you’ll have to forgive us—Rachelle is busy settling into her new house, Johnathan’s been appearing in a play, Tiina’s been hunting humans for sport on a private island in the South Pacific, and I’ve been trapped in an oil painting.

Ahem.

 Okay, I’m pretty sure that at least two of those excuses are not entirely truthful, but I don’t have time to look into it; I’ve been too busy preparing this post about my favourite Avengers storyline, which can be found in issues 273 to 277 of the original series (or in the Under Siege trade paperback, which is unfortunately out of print). Why exactly am I digging out a 23-year old Avengers arc right now? Well, last week Marvel announced that all this Dark Reign business (where Norman Osborn and his Dark Avengers are basically in charge of everything) would be coming to an end in January with a storyline called Siege, which promises to reunite the Big Three Avengers—Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor—for the first time in several years, hopefully for some time to come. The Avengers has been pretty much my favourite Marvel franchise for most of my life, but it’s been a rough couple of years; I’m not really a fan of Bendis’ revamp of the whole concept. Granted, it gave us Young Avengers, and has made the Avengers brand name into a big deal again, but it’s not the same for me. Also, Hawkeye is now Ronin. What’s that about?

 

Anyway, the title Siege carries with it the implication that this new storyline will somehow be related to that long-ago epic by Roger Stern, John Buscema, and Tom Palmer. Sure, it may just be a cheap ploy designed to draw old-school dinosaurs like me back into the fold (although if the killer art by Stuart Immonen on the current run can’t make me buy Bendis’ New Avengers, I suspect nothing can), but there is a possibility that there may be a deeper connection here. Probably not, but we’ll see.

The Under Siege storyline deals with second-generation Nazi bad guy Baron Zemo assembling a new Masters of Evil team to take down the Avengers, mostly as an elaborate revenge plan designed to destroy Captain America’s “family” as Cap as destroyed his (from his point of view, anyway). This is a serious powerhouse group here, filled with super-genius types like Moonstone, Fixer, and Yellowjacket II, as well as top muscle like Mister Hyde, Goliath, Tiger Shark, and the whole blamed Wrecking Crew.

 

Zemo begins his campaign of terror by engineering distractions for most of the Avengers (and taking advantage of several personality clashes and other flaws within the team’s solidarity), then brazenly has his goons waltz up to the front gate of Avengers Mansion and smash their way in. Taking the Avengers’ faithful butler, Jarvis, hostage, and making short work of the Black Knight when he arrives, the team then sets about reprogramming the Mansion’s security systems to repel anyone who tries to bust in. Serpent Society member and Masters of Evil affiliate Black Mamba poses as a boozy floozy who gets Hercules good and drunk (and drugged) and sends him back to Avengers Mansion, where the Masters deliver unto him a royal beat down. They beat him so bad, they put him in a coma that he almost doesn’t come out, and is even declared dead for a few minutes. Keep in mind, now, that this wasn’t just some musclebound clod in a leotard—this is actual Hercules, from Greek mythology! And they stomped his drunken ass! Cap is also beaten and captured, while the Wasp barely escapes.

 

Afterward, Zemo gets brain-damaged Nova nemesis Blackout (who he controls via microcircuitry hidden in his headgear) to blanket Avengers Mansion in his patented Darkforce goo, which is nigh-impenetrable. Zemo also orders poor, confused Blackout to banish energy-based Avenger Captain Marvel (the Monica Rambeau version) into the dimension that his Darkforce jazz issues forth from. Titania and the Absorbing Man are sent to the hospital to finish the job that Tiger Shark, Mister Hyde, Goliath, and the Wrecking Crew started on Hercules, which leads to a hilariously mismatched battle with the Wasp and Ant-Man (the Scott Lang version). Our tiny heroes win the day, but just barely. Seeing Jan and Scott take down two grade-A badasses like these two is pretty exciting—just one of ‘em would have made a lesser do-gooder run for the hills.

Meanwhile, within the Mansion, Zemo and his flunkies get up to all sorts of mischief, like raiding the team’s databanks, videotaping dastardly missives to the outside world, and looting and destroying the team’s personal possessions. Hyde in particular takes it up a notch by busting into Cap’s locker and destroying several decades’ worth of belongings in front of his face, such as his famed original triangular shield.

When that doesn’t faze Cap, Hyde decides to torture poor Jarvis instead.

In the days before rape and murder became sadly commonplace events in superhero comics, the sight of the hulking Hyde sadistically torturing a helpless old man was pretty shocking stuff. Still is now, really. Poor Jarv. Eventually, though, the Black Knight uses his mystical connection to his Ebony Sword to draw it to him, and he sets himself and Cap free to trounce Hyde.

Around this point, the tide starts to turn as Dr. Druid and Thor (appearing between pages 5-7 of issue #373 of his own title, a caption informs us—busy guy!) show up to lend some mind and muscle power, respectively. Druid psychically urges Blackout to drop the Darkforce walls, allowing the Avengers to sneak in. A knock-down, drag-out fight breaks out, with Thor draining the mystical power out of the Wrecking Crew (I’m not sure why he never did that before, but whatever). Goliath, however, is not so easily dealt with, and he gives Thor a good trouncing before getting what’s coming to him.

If you’ve ever wondered what sound an Asgardian God of Thunder makes when you bounce him off the floor, now you know–that sound is "WUNG". Captain Marvel escapes the Darkforce dimension (via the Shroud’s cloak all the way over in San Francisco), and she arrives in time to give chase to a fleeing Moonstone. Moony is flying so fast and is so scared of being collared that she flies smack into a cliff face doing 100 miles an hour.

Zemo tries to regain control of Blackout by upping the wattage on his brain-control doohickey, which gives Blackout a fatal brain hemorrhage. Poor dope. Soon, it’s down to just Captain America and Baron Zemo, who have a fateful showdown on the Mansion’s roof, where Zemo, like Moonstone, lets his emotions get the better of him.

 

The Masters are all defeated and detained (and in the case of Blackout, deceased), so all that’s left is the clean-up. However, since Jarvis is on his way to the Intensive Care Unit, Earth’s Mightiest Heroes have to do it themselves. This leads to the storyline’s heartbreaking epilogue, where poor Cap sifts through the wreckage of his personal locker, where Zemo and Hyde gleefully made short work of all his memorabilia (including a smiling photo of him and Bucky and a baseball signed by Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth!). Sadly, the most irreplaceable casualty of the whole affair is Cap’s only surviving photo of his long-dead Mom.

 

I suppose Under Siege does have some connection to the current state of the Marvel U, where the bad guys have made themselves comfortable in the heroes’ home base (and costumes, even), and it’s time for them to be taken down a peg. If nothing else, any connection will hopefully spur Marvel to re-issue Avengers: Under Siege in a new printing. Either way, it was great fun to revisit this storyline, which taught me that when the chips are down, the good guys pull together and win the day, while the bad guys fly away without looking where they’re going and nearly kill themselves.

More like Models, Stink...Am I right?

I was going to bitch about Models, Inc last month, but I decided to let the hubbub about this comic settle a little, and allow for the SECOND ISSUE OF JUDGEMENT.

Watching Tyra dress up a bunch of skinny girls in crazy outfits and yell at them about "smizing" is basically the best part of my week, so I feel I'm pretty inclined to like a comic book about models. Really, all I wanted from this comic was to see Millie the Model, Patsy Walker, and their model pals, dress up in cool clothes and have some wacky photo shoots. They could even fight a little crime here and there. I just wanted it to be FUN.

For a comic that's undeniably girly, and presumably aimed at a non-comic-reading female audience, there are some problems that maybe could have been solved by having a lady as a part of the creative team. (Paul Tobin writes this, couldn't Colleen Coover draw it? How great would that be?)

 Like this: 

 

No! Those aren't tights!

These are tights:

 

If you don't want people to see up your tiny dress and spy your lady-junk, all thigh high stockings are going to do is give them a better show. Tobin had it right, but then I guess the artist, Vicenc Villagrassa, wanted to draw a sexy picture, so he went with the thigh highs.

I'm aware that it's a minor detail, but I feel like it just draws attention to the fact that Millie putting on tights is just a plot device, so she'll go into the woods and (***SPOILER ALERT!***) find murder weapon and a dead body.

And let's talk about the fashion in this fashion-centric comic. I guess it's not as bad as say, Teen Titans or something. There are no thongs. But c'mon.

Belly tops? Comic artists need to stop drawing women in belly tops! It's not 1995. I remember Bryan Lee O'Malley once saying that he'd look at fashion blogs and UrbanOutfitters.com for inspiration on how to dress his characters in Scott Pilgrim, and I think that really showed. His characters always look cute, and current. Do some research, Villagrassa.

But at least Models, Inc is FUN, right? Right? Actually, issue two is oddly depressing: Millie the model has been accused of murder, so she spends some time in prison.

Uh, wheeeeeee?

I'm not feeling it. My Wednesday nights are going to spent with ANTM, thanks.

"Come Out To The Coast, We'll Get Together, Have A Few Laughs..."

A few months back, when Boom! Studios announced their plans for a Die Hard comic book, I did a post about the perils of licensed comics. This week, the first issue of Die Hard: Year One was released, and it only seems fair that I follow up on my initial blatherings to see how they did. Die Hard is not only one of my all-time favourite movies (my girlfriend Hillary and I make a point of watching it every Christmas, and usually one other time throughout the year as well), but probably one of my favourite film franchises as well—the only entry in the series I don’t like is the second one (I'm even in the minority of folks who think Live Free or Die Hard was actually pretty awesome). The adventures of John McClane are very near and dear to me, and I was pretty wary of seeing the character mishandled in a new medium. Fortunately, after some consideration and a second reading, I find I enjoyed Die Hard: Year One #1 quite a bit, and I think subsequent issues will smooth away any trepidations I had about the debut issue.

It’s July 4^th, 1976, and rookie beat cop John McClane is patrolling the streets of Manhattan in preparation for the Bicentennial celebration. As McClane tries to maintain order among the various tourists and pickpockets, some sort of scheme is brewing across the city. We aren’t given too much of the big picture yet, but it seems to involve a couple of crooked cops, a pretty young coed named Rosie who’s new to the Big Apple, a rich jerk and his shrewish wife, a creepy guy named Ira, and a hilariously mulleted and butt-cutted jogger. It’s a slow build, to be sure—mostly, we get quick introductory vignettes, and a few conversations to indicate that it’s all connected somehow. A pickpocket scam involving a female flasher and her male accomplice seems to mirror the larger plot, as the aforementioned Rosie is apparently being paid to wear some kind of revealing outfit as a distraction from...whatever the caper turns out to be, I guess.

 

The pacing of this first issue may seem positively glacial compared to most comics these days, but keep in mind that a comic adaptation of the first Die Hard film probably wouldn’t have much happening in a first issue either. I imagine Hans Gruber and his team would be just pulling into the Nakatomi Tower’s parking garage around the 24-page mark. I enjoyed the slow setup, though. The shuttling back-and-forth between the various parties was well handled, and I’m interested in seeing what the larger plot turns out to be. Presumably, some sort of daring robbery made to look like a terrorist attack is usually how these things go, right? Comics veteran Howard Chaykin (who, like McClane, would have been a rookie himself around the time this series takes place) handles the scripting duties here, with maybe a few too many narrative captions—most of the characters’ backstories and personalities are explained by an omniscient narrator, which you don’t get a lot of nowadays. Still, it sort of weirdly adds to the period setting—after all, this is how comics were written at the point the story takes place. There is some fairly off-putting misogyny on display here—one of the corrupt cops blithely slaps his wife around, while rich cad Walden Ford threatens his wife with a shocking comeuppance if she brings up the word ‘divorce” around him again—but, this isn’t a huge surprise, since a) it takes place in what might charitably be called “a simpler time”, and b) it’s written by Howard Chaykin, who is kind of notorious for writing about that sort of thing. Stephen Thompson’s art brings a lot to the whole package as well; it’s a bit reminiscent of Michael Gaydos or John Paul Leon (who, along with Dave Johnson and Jock, provided one of the three variant covers) in its practiced roughness. He does a great job with the period setting’s vehicles and hairstyles, and his Bruce Willis likeness isn’t too shabby either. He takes the actor’s look and makes it his own, rather than just tracing stills from his movies and drawing a cop uniform on him.

 

Maybe I’m being too forgiving, because I love the franchise so much. Or it could be that I was bracing myself for an outright disaster. It could even be that my love of 1970s New York as a setting is colouring my judgment (on my day off last week, I watched Across 110^th Street and Saturday Night Fever back to back, by way of example). Maybe it’s just that slick Dave Johnson cover. Whatever the reason, I enjoyed Die Hard: Year One a lot more than most of the superhero comics I read last week. Let’s hope the second issue is better than the second movie!

Archie Sunday: Going For the Lowest Common Denominator

The main story of Archie's Pal, Jughead No. 189 is ostensibly a simple tale of technology gone awry, as Archie and friends pay a visit to Dilton Doily to pick up a bit of technology:

But wait:

Yep, the device ends up inside of Jughead, with Reggie holding the remote, thus ensuring that hilarity will ensue. A fine story in the classic Archie mode, I admit, but I prefer to think that it is a pale, rewritten shadow of its former majesty, that it was once a cautionary tale showcasing the horrible repercussions that Jughead's years of poor eating have wrought on his gastrointestinal tract.

And so, gentle readers, I give you a series of out-of-context fart gags:

Of course, this being Riverdale, everything works out all right in the end, with Jughead's flatulence saving a crowd from a falling scaffold. Power to the pigger-outers! don't let the nutrition-savvy Man get you down!

Happy Sunday, everyone.

A Public Service Announcement From Task Force X

Summer in Paris! Task Force X, the celebrated Suicide Squad, are enjoying their first vacation in months, when suddenly:

An assignment! Children, it seems are unaware of the dangers inherent in common grocery-style plastic bags! Our heroes spring into action!

Demonstrating the quick thinking that has made them the toast of the civilized nations, the Squad quickly commandeered a gigantic helicopter and headed toward the nearby and snake-infested Eiffel Tower.

And then: deployment! Jess Bright, Dr. Hugh Evans and Squad leader Rick Flag manage to hold their love for teammate Karin Grace in check long enough to guide a gigantic plastic bag over the head of the similarly gigantic snake! But will it hold long enough to teach the children of the world a lesson?

Yes, desperation lends strength to their hands as they cling to sweat-slickened ropes! Will it hold? Will it?

Every television camera in the city is focused on this dramatic scene! Across the planet, millions of children pause, their heads mere inches from plunging into the depths of smothering, petroleum-derived funeral shrouds, their very future hinging on the outcome of this titanic battle between the forces of Man and Nature!

Finally, incredibly, the beast falls! Pudgy hands the around the globe lift plastic sacks from about their ears and dash off for a celebratory snack of paint chips! Task Force X has done it again! Yet more laurels are heaped upon their brows, until they can scarcely lift their heads!

Truly, this is a Golden Age, when such men and women are so dedicated to public service.

NEXT WEEK: The importance of not playing with matches.

A New Product at the Spa of Haunts!

Hey Teens! 

Do you suffer from unsightly acne? Do the other kids call you Crater Cranium, Butter Face or Just Plain Ugly? Now you can get clear skin in four easy steps!

1. Mix a Mint Julep.

2. Throw the drink in your own face (with vigor).

3. Turn into a horrific monster.

4. Finish with a cleansing toner.

What's that? Yes, I said "monster."

You'll turn into a ghoul who sucks the souls of living, or a zombie who hungers for warm, young flesh or even grotesque Frankenstein!

But with smooth, clear skin you can take anyone you want to the drive in (and murder them!)