LBW Holiday Gift Guide Part 1: Fashion Fun

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Once again the holidays approach, as implacable as Galactus and as dead-set on devouring the Earth (or at least those portions of it devoted to retail). And everyone has those two or three people who are extremely hard to buy for, just like Galactus is. So unless you’ve chosen to adopt the Ultimate Nullifier of Christmas that is Officially Buying Nothing, you might appreciate this, the Living Between Wednesdays Holiday Gift Guide. Our crack team of researchers (Johnathan) have combed through seventy years of comic book advertising to find the perfect gift for any family member, friend or workplace Secret Santa partner who is filling you with terror at the prospect of trying to bring them holiday joy.

Part 1: High Fashion

Think that your loved one needs a slight image adjustment? Give these beauties a try:

Beards

Know someone whose face just isn’t busy enough or who maybe has some sort of facial growth that you get uncomfortable looking at? Just MAIL COUPON NOW and you can give them the gift of a wide variety of glue-on facial hairs made from modocrylic, which I am sure is one of the wonder materials of the future (although possibly a future that is a couple of decades in the past). Either take the super-creepy route of sending the fine people from Masculiner a hair sample or simply select a beard colour randomly – note how natural the jet-black Van Dyke looks on our blond friend.

Hey, I finally know what to get my niece! Thanks, Masculiner!

French Photo Ring

I know that the text here is a bit too blurry to read but I felt that it was important to bring to your attention the fact that such things as rings with little nudie pictures inside exist. Buy one for the soft-core pornography enthusiast in your life, the one who’s a bit too embarrassed to openly read Playboy in public but still wants to see boobies while riding the bus to work.

Good Luck Ring

It’s hideous!

Gorilla Accessories

That’s right: for less than fifteen dollars you can set someone up with gorilla hands, feet and head, *and* have enough leftover to get yourself that Realistic Frankenstein that you’ve always wanted. Imagine the joy on your 90-pound cousin Joey’s face as he slips these beauties on and becomes indistinguishable from a real gorilla! Just be careful not to take him to the zoo!

Assorted Wrist Bands

The era of the wrist band is back! Give a pair to the spindle-shanked weakling in your life to see him (or possibly her) become/appear as masculine as the day is long! Makes a great gift for fans of interesting tan lines, too!

Vampire Blood

Everyone loves vampires, right? But not everyone has the funds or gumption necessary to acquire real blood to complete the vampire look. Just a few dabs of Vampire Blood brand vampire blood and anybody on your wish list will be ready to swing to the beautiful music of the children of the night.

Optional forehead putty, tin of glitter or fistful of d10s available, depending on which brand of angst-ridden bloodsucker you wish to promote.

Vulcan Ears

NOTE: ears will not actually make blood green.

Join us all this week for more exemplary gift suggestions!


 

What If...Women Could Write and Draw Comics?

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Marvel announced an upcoming mini-series called GIRL COMICS. The title is somewhat unfortunate, though admittedly playful, but the books will include contributions from a list of impressive female creators, including Amanda Conner, Colleen Coover, and Kathryn Immonen.

The first cover, by Amanda Conner (see above), is completely awesome.

This is what I am truly hoping for with Girl Comics: I want the comics to be ridiculous enough to match the ridiculous title. I want it to be silly and fun and gratuitous and shamelessly girly. I want the male superheroes exploited. I want a shirtless Daredevil centrefold. I want a soft focus every time Winter Soldier appears. I want a round table "Who would you do?" discussion between all of the women on that cover (especially Sue Storm, because you know it would make her uncomfortable at first). I want Namor to appear in this series for whatever reason. I want a bunch of ladies to pull a prank on Tony Stark because he deserves it. I want to see dating and drinking and shopping punctuated by the occasional ass-kicking. I want Iron Man and Captain America to finally kiss.

Marvel has taken a few stabs at making comics for women lately. MARVEL DIVAS had a promising start, and nice artwork, but quickly turned into a story about breast cancer, which is not my favourite premise for a superhero story. As far as I know, proceeds from that comic weren't even going to breast cancer research, so it really was just a complete downer with no purpose.

So what I am saying is that I am going to be optimistic about Girl Comics, because the talent line-up is mostly pretty exciting, and because it might be fun! Or it might be about breast cancer. I hope not.

Earth One? More Like Earth Whaaaa?

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On their Source Blog this morning, DC Comics announced a new line of ongoing graphic novels called Earth One that will feature “the most powerful heroes of the DC Universe, with their first years and earliest moments retold in a standalone, original graphic novel format, on a new earth with an all-new continuity”. Now, I like the idea of a series of ongoing graphic novels, provided the price is right—like, maybe no more than $10-12 a book for 100 pages or so. Geoff Johns and Gary Frank are doing Batman: Earth One, which I’m sure will be worth a look—those guys are on a bit of a streak lately—and J. Michael Straczynski and Shane Davis will be handling Superman: Earth One. I’m not a big fan of either creator, so that doesn’t do much for me. However, it does even less for me considering the fact that this new, updated origin for Superman has been announced while yet another new, updated origin—by Johns and Frank, no less!—hasn't even finished yet! To add insult to injury, that currently-running series, Superman: Secret Origin, is pretty much the only Superman title I have any interest in reading right now. When said story is the umpteenth retelling of a story everyone and their dog knows by heart, what does that tell you about the quality of the line these days? 

Here’s the problem, as I see it: the first modern redo of Superman’s origin was released in 1986, as the six-part miniseries The Man of Steel, written and illustrated by John Byrne. Seventeen years later, Mark Waid and Leinil Francis Yu revamped Supie’s early years yet again in the twelve-part Superman: Birthright, and now, only six years after that, Superman’s beginnings are being chronicled once more in Secret Origin. This mini should wrap up in early 2010, and all signs seem to be pointing towards the fact that the Earth One books will ship later that same year (although, I’m going to be realistic here and say 2011 is probably more likely).

 

So, let’s do the math: The Man of Steel drops in 1986. Seventeen years after, Birthright arrives in 2003. 2009 brings us Secret Origin, a mere six years later. Then, in 2010 (or so), Earth One will endeavour to tell the world pretty much the same goddamned story, only one, maybe two years later! At this rate, I expect yet another revised origin story to be announced before Earth One has even shipped. If these trends continue, DC Comics will be publishing an ongoing monthly series of continuously revamped Superman origin stories before Obama’s first term is up.

 

This is the kind of thinking that makes me nervous for DC’s future. When they're not busy squeezing more and more money out of an existing, shrinking fanbase (hello, JSA All Stars!), or stretching what might have been a nicely self-contained storyline into a yearlong, multi-title event (I’m looking at you, Blackest Night and New Krypton), they’re resorting to repackaging all-too familiar stories. Maybe if the monthly books were better and more accessible (like, say, the Johns run on Action Comics or Morrison and Quitely’s terrific All-Star Superman), DC wouldn’t need to worry about making a new line that is accessible.  After all, how can you possibly beat this for a re-telling of Superman’s origin?

 

There you have it—four panels, eight words, and we’re off to the races. People want to buy Superman comics when they’re good. They don’t give a damn about continuity or format, and they already know his origin story. Creating a new line like this is almost like admitting defeat, or acknowledging that the regular line of books is hopelessly polluted with confusing continuity and conflicting backstory. It’s a short-term, desperate solution. I wouldn’t have a problem with a line of graphic novels that told new, self-contained stories featuring the DC characters, books that maybe linked together to form larger stories in a shared universe that is occasionally mentioned but never dwelled upon. And who knows? Maybe Earth One will become that. But by promising us a heaping dose of same old-same old right off the bat, it’s off to a shaky start.


Adscape 2: The Captain Tootsie Revenge Squad

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"Okay, everybody, calm down! Silence I say! This meeting of the Captain Tootsie Revenge Squad is hereby called to order! There's no old business to attend to, so let's move on to inducting our latest member! I believe that we should begin by introducing ourselves, and as chairman I shall go first!"

"I am the feared Dr Narsty! I love make small children unhappy! I would venture to say that I am Captain Tootsie's arch nemesis, having come closest to defeating him by depriving him of his precious Tootsie Rolls! Oh, if only those rotten, meddling children hadn't been around to pull the cork out by it's string! Curses!"

"I also shouldn't have included a string in the first place! Augh! I'm too angry to go on... Spies! Take over!"

"Guten tag. Ve are Hans and Schmanz, Cherman schpies from ze Vorld Var II."

"Ja, ve ver azzined to make schure zat Amerika vas not hidink zecret veapons in der schmall towns!"

"Zadly, der Kaptain Tootsie schowed opp und kecked our Ärsche!"

"Ja, he schtomped us into schnitzel!"

 "Me, I'm Red, Red the Terror. I never even knew I was up against Captain Tootsie 'til it was too late."

"See, I'd just busted out of the clink and I figgered I'd follow the standard pattern: tie up a fat kid and live in his house for a while. Things were going great - I found a fat kid in record time and the house was real nice - pink walls, yellow polka-dot coitains, the woiks."

"Next thing I know... Whammo! I didn't even get a chance to dress up in the kid's mudder's clothes!"

"Monster Man is next! Monster Man tell you all about time me met Captin Tooty."

"Monster Man still not know what happen. See, me have perfect plan:"

 

"Me spend week and week planning. Push child, open bank! Then me take monies to store for soft fruit and trail mix!"

"Monster Man still wonder how went wrong."

"Favourite theory involve sun spots, weather balloon. Too complex get into right now - Monster Man send you Powerpoint him work up."

"Worst part whole thing always having listen to candy talk all time."

"Serious, it like him have man from Marketing in him ass. Kid not know about balance diet? Him have question authority some day."

"Yes, well put, Monster Man. Just another reason that all children should be locked in a small room filled with bees."

"So now you know our stories and our reasons for hating Captain Tootsie as much as you do. We'll go through things like membership fees and the weekly 50/50 draw to pay for the water cooler later. For now, I'd like to fomally welcome you to the Captain Tootsie Revenge Squad..."

"...KILLER BEAR."