Living Between Wednesdays Holiday Gift Guide Part 3: Gifts for Jerks

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Part 3: For the Jerk in your Life

Jerks. Everybody knows one or two. Maybe they’re your best friend or brother or something, but they’re definitely the one pointing and laughing as you do a header into a snowbank one frigid February morn. This time of year, one might be tempted to leave the local jerk off of the ol’ shopping list, but this tactic will only increase your likelihood of becoming the target of some future mischief. Rather than taking that risk, go ahead and pick up some of the following for them. It’s good sense on a couple of levels, firstly because it might make them feel well-disposed toward you when next they feel like staging a fake eviction or mock execution for laffs, and secondly as it will give you a decent idea of what they’re armed with. Forewarned, after all, is forearmed.

Color Smoke Clouds

Think of these as early jerk warning devices. Do you know someone who might be a stealth jerk, or possibly a child who shows signs of nascent jerkdom? Watch closely after presenting this person with the Color Smoke Cloud and take note of what happens:

Possible jerk action taken                  Prognosis

Cloud released indoors                       Either a jerk or a bit dumb. Continue observation
Cloud released outdoors,                    Probably not a jerk.
in a well-ventilated field.
Cloud carefully saved until                  Definite jerk. Watch out.
next wedding or funeral.

Hot Candy or Gum

Hot candy can also work as a jerk-detector (do they give it to Gramma? Do they feed it to the dog?) but also works as an effective jerk &diffuser&, as it channels their energies into maintaining an air of nonchalance, the better to lull you into enough of a sense of security that you’ll accept their tainted treats. As long as your jerk has hot candy to disseminate they’ll be on their best behavior, so give ‘em plenty and make sure to put on a good enough show that they’ll want to do it to someone else.

Onion Gum

The same principle would apply to onion gum, but as you can see it transforms you into a grotesque baby-man.

Itching Powder

Joy Buzzer

The idea behind the joy buzzer is so grand, yet the execution is so lacking - for those of you who have never encountered such a thing in the wild, a joy buzzer both culturally and advertisimally promises some sort of jolt of electrified comeuppance that you can deploy toward your enemies via your palm. In execution, the joy buzzer is a simple wind-up motor  that unleashes a torrent of stored-up vibratory energy once pressure is applied to it. It's suitable to the task of making someone go "What the heck?" for a few seconds, sure, but just not quite the trick as far as dealing out righteous retribution and so forth goes.

Take care to only giv this sort of thing to a jerk who's got a bit of a reflective side. And no access to a taser.

Whoopee Cushion

 Last up: the Whoopee cushion, a classic weapon in the arsenal of the jerky prankster. If you know a jerk who doesn't have one or more of these babies then send away right now, because they are missing out and so are you. Every jerk should have the chance to make a Society matron appear to have farted loudly at some sort of cotillion or orphan-style fund-raiser, and likewise every jerkfriend should be allowed to rest easy knowing that sometimes the worst that is going to happen to them is a bout of counterfeit flatulence.

As well, everyone should know about the above being the best Whoopee Cushion ad illustration ever. For serious.

Word up, jerks.

 

John Buys Comics Yet Again

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Incorruptible No. 1

You know, I was just thinking about how long it had been since I declared a SECOND ISSUE OF JUDGEMENT.

Honestly, I hadn’t expected to have to with this one. Irredeemable has been entertaining me fairly consistently and I figured that Mark Waid would be able to flip the concept without straining too hard, but this all seems a bit forced.

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the skinny: Irredeemable is about the Superman-esque Plutonian turning evil and effing up the world, while Incorruptible is about the, I don’t know, evil white Luke Cage-esque Max Damage going over to the good guys.

Some of it definitely works, particularly the idea of the super-strong, invulnerable dude who fights crime despite the law’s objections simply because they can’t do anything to stop him. Plus I like the name Max Damage. On the other hand, Max’s former henchmen deliver more bald-faced exposition than I can comfortably overlook. The first page of the thing reads like a poorly-written Wikipedia entry on the guy.

And then there’s the manner in which Max goes to the good, which is totally, from rejecting his under-aged girlfriend to burning his ill-gotten gains. As the polar opposite of the Plutonian’s descent into genocidal debauchery, I guess that unrelenting purity is it. In terms of interesting character traits… meh, I could use a bit more moral ambiguity.

Eh, we’ll see. This is precisely why the SECOND ISSUE OF JUDGEMENT system was created.

Batman 80-Page Giant No 1

How could I resist an 80-Page Giant, long-lost child of the Silver Age (except for that one fifth week event a few years ago)? And a themed one at that!

Gotham City is blizzarded up and as per usual things are going all to hell. You got Batman and Robin vs. looters, Alfred doing a lady of the evening a nice turn (oh, that Alfred), Catwoman in a nice-looking but slightly odd (no I’m not going to specify, mleh) tale of theft and old folks, and so on.

Gotham’s ever-swelling vigilante ranks grow by two or three in this issue, with stories featuring the Saint of Orphan Alley and Veil (oh wait, I guess that she appeared during Battle for the Cowl and retroactively during No man's Land. Well, I don't actually care.) This means that I can now think of at least ten or twelve Gotham crimefighters off th top of my head, which further means that there have probably been three to five times that number over the years. That's a troubled city.

My favourite is the Commissioner Gordon/Mr Freeze story. Because I like seeing villains have a good time now and then.

Silver Streak Comics No 24 (wink, wink) - The Next Issue Project is one of my favourite things ever. Paul Grist is at this point one of the few people who I would consider not avoiding for fear of inadvertently fawning. Damn that man - how did he get so damned entertaining? Damn!

Green Lantern Corps No. 43 - Red/Green Lantern Guy Gardner is a Black Lantern-killing machine! Why the hell aren’t all of the Lanterns doubling up on rings? I may have to start a pool about this - how many issues until the various Corps realize what a good idea it is.

Power Girl No. 7 - How much did I enjoy this? Very, very much! Vartox of Valeron, Silver Age Superman pal, returns to the DCU after long absence. He’s a macho jerk vain enough to own a space ship in the shape of his own head, and he’s looking to woo Power Girl! I don’t know that it’s always the way to go but by GOD do I enjoy it when an old goofy character is brought back without being modernized. Shine on, Vartox!

Streets of Gotham No 7 - Humpty Dumpty, yeah! What a great character when written right - all poignant and insane. Between Dini’s writing and the Nguyen/Fridolfs art team, this is a fantastic appearance by the big round dude. Also, the rest of the issue is pretty great too. I really wasn’t expecting to like Streets of Gotham so much when the latest batch of Bat-titles started but hey, colour me pleasantly surprised.

Batman Confidential No. 39 - Dammit, why did I buy this? I assure you that the conclusion was just as stupid as the rest of this story. At least I read it early and didn’t leave myself in a bad mood.

The Last Resort No 5 - OVER! Was this supposed to be only five issues? Was it unexpectedly cancelled? Why does it feel like about three issues were compressed into this one(possibly via some sort of mechanical contrivance of fearsome aspect)? I swear that issues 1 through 4 had a nice, steady pace. Bah, bah I say.

LBW Holiday Gift Guide Part 2: For the Creepy

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Part 2: For the Creep in your Life

Everyone knows some creeps, and sometimes you end up having to get them presents, like when they’re related to you or for some reason friends with your spouse. Or you’re trying to butter up your boss, maybe. Well, rather than giving them a bar of soap and an instruction manual this year, embrace the creep’s creepiness and get them something that they can really use to skeeze people out.

Hypnotism Lessons

What’s creepier than wanting to learn hypnosis? Not much, unless maybe you’re a brain-doctor of some sort, and even then… Lucky for the creep in your life there are multiple hypno-gift options, so that you can tailor your hypnosis lessons to their particular brand of creepiness. Above, we find the perfect option for the “uncomfortable physical presence” – style creep. Let them put their penetrating stare and love of disquieting lighting effects to good use!

What about the “creepy around women” type of creep? Is there a style of hypnosis geared toward them? Why yes! As it turns out, virtually ALL styles of hypnosis advertised in comic books have strong overtones of creepy control over women!

Yes, the creep in your life that maybe stands a little too close to any ladies that he (or she!) might have to talk to but never looks them in the eye can finally…

You know, maybe just skip this one and get them something else.

Or perhaps you could get them a course that focuses on hypnotizing dudes.

Auto Scare Bomb

The Auto Scare Bomb was going to go into Part 3 - Gifts for the Jerk in Your Life, but I think that a fake bomb is way more of a creep style of prank to pull. Give 'em out like candy!

How to Love

If you don’t quite feel comfortable getting your creep a copy of Rules of the Game, try How to Love, the late Depression equivalent. They might not act any less scummy but they’ll sure dress snappy while they do it!

Electronic Lie & Love Detector

Can’t you hear them now: not just hitting on ladies using convoluted lines but doing so WITH SCIENCE.

“Hey baby, would you mind holding these terminal knobs? Now, would you mind holding my terminal knob? No, don’t speak… the Love Detector will show us the way.”

Secret Wonder Mirror

Give this to your cherished creep. Then never use their bathroom again.

Raquel Welch Pillow

Is it a licensed product? Nobody knows! What it certainly is is a picture of Raquel Welch in a one-piece, printed on a two foot-long pillow. It’s a gateway inflatable novelty if ever there was one.

You know the ones that you’ll be giving this to. Try not to think about it too hard.

Super Secret Pocket Spy Scope

Live in a beach-style area, or really any place that might occasionally feature ladies in two-piece bathing costumes? Know a guy who maybe knows his way around the woods behind the housing development a bit too well and has a keen interest in seeing farther than might be easily possible with the naked eye? Voila, the Secret Spy Scope! Keep creeps on the property line and out of easily-damaged flower beds and ornamental trees.

X-ray Specs

Finally, for those of you who want to get your creep a gift without enabling his or her creepiness in any tangible way, go for the adolescent-saddening fakeout that is X-Ray Specs. With luck, they’ll never learn that the hand bones and… other things that they’re seeing are composed of equal parts optical illusion and wishful thinking.

Think of it as an early warning system for folks – when they see the words “X-RAY VISION” coming toward them, they’ll know exactly what they’re in for.

And that's that - a complete guide to buying a gift for the super-creep in your life. Remember not to make eye contact when you give it to 'em!

LBW Holiday Gift Guide Part 1: Fashion Fun

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Once again the holidays approach, as implacable as Galactus and as dead-set on devouring the Earth (or at least those portions of it devoted to retail). And everyone has those two or three people who are extremely hard to buy for, just like Galactus is. So unless you’ve chosen to adopt the Ultimate Nullifier of Christmas that is Officially Buying Nothing, you might appreciate this, the Living Between Wednesdays Holiday Gift Guide. Our crack team of researchers (Johnathan) have combed through seventy years of comic book advertising to find the perfect gift for any family member, friend or workplace Secret Santa partner who is filling you with terror at the prospect of trying to bring them holiday joy.

Part 1: High Fashion

Think that your loved one needs a slight image adjustment? Give these beauties a try:

Beards

Know someone whose face just isn’t busy enough or who maybe has some sort of facial growth that you get uncomfortable looking at? Just MAIL COUPON NOW and you can give them the gift of a wide variety of glue-on facial hairs made from modocrylic, which I am sure is one of the wonder materials of the future (although possibly a future that is a couple of decades in the past). Either take the super-creepy route of sending the fine people from Masculiner a hair sample or simply select a beard colour randomly – note how natural the jet-black Van Dyke looks on our blond friend.

Hey, I finally know what to get my niece! Thanks, Masculiner!

French Photo Ring

I know that the text here is a bit too blurry to read but I felt that it was important to bring to your attention the fact that such things as rings with little nudie pictures inside exist. Buy one for the soft-core pornography enthusiast in your life, the one who’s a bit too embarrassed to openly read Playboy in public but still wants to see boobies while riding the bus to work.

Good Luck Ring

It’s hideous!

Gorilla Accessories

That’s right: for less than fifteen dollars you can set someone up with gorilla hands, feet and head, *and* have enough leftover to get yourself that Realistic Frankenstein that you’ve always wanted. Imagine the joy on your 90-pound cousin Joey’s face as he slips these beauties on and becomes indistinguishable from a real gorilla! Just be careful not to take him to the zoo!

Assorted Wrist Bands

The era of the wrist band is back! Give a pair to the spindle-shanked weakling in your life to see him (or possibly her) become/appear as masculine as the day is long! Makes a great gift for fans of interesting tan lines, too!

Vampire Blood

Everyone loves vampires, right? But not everyone has the funds or gumption necessary to acquire real blood to complete the vampire look. Just a few dabs of Vampire Blood brand vampire blood and anybody on your wish list will be ready to swing to the beautiful music of the children of the night.

Optional forehead putty, tin of glitter or fistful of d10s available, depending on which brand of angst-ridden bloodsucker you wish to promote.

Vulcan Ears

NOTE: ears will not actually make blood green.

Join us all this week for more exemplary gift suggestions!


 

What If...Women Could Write and Draw Comics?

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Marvel announced an upcoming mini-series called GIRL COMICS. The title is somewhat unfortunate, though admittedly playful, but the books will include contributions from a list of impressive female creators, including Amanda Conner, Colleen Coover, and Kathryn Immonen.

The first cover, by Amanda Conner (see above), is completely awesome.

This is what I am truly hoping for with Girl Comics: I want the comics to be ridiculous enough to match the ridiculous title. I want it to be silly and fun and gratuitous and shamelessly girly. I want the male superheroes exploited. I want a shirtless Daredevil centrefold. I want a soft focus every time Winter Soldier appears. I want a round table "Who would you do?" discussion between all of the women on that cover (especially Sue Storm, because you know it would make her uncomfortable at first). I want Namor to appear in this series for whatever reason. I want a bunch of ladies to pull a prank on Tony Stark because he deserves it. I want to see dating and drinking and shopping punctuated by the occasional ass-kicking. I want Iron Man and Captain America to finally kiss.

Marvel has taken a few stabs at making comics for women lately. MARVEL DIVAS had a promising start, and nice artwork, but quickly turned into a story about breast cancer, which is not my favourite premise for a superhero story. As far as I know, proceeds from that comic weren't even going to breast cancer research, so it really was just a complete downer with no purpose.

So what I am saying is that I am going to be optimistic about Girl Comics, because the talent line-up is mostly pretty exciting, and because it might be fun! Or it might be about breast cancer. I hope not.