Fat Week: Hip-Happy Heroes Part 1

That's right, folks: it's Fat Week here at Living Between Wednesdays. Fat Week is a time to celebrate all of the fatness in comic books, whether it be the mature girth of a Mr Weatherbee or the youthful rotundity of a Herbie Popnecker. The fat characters of  comics have done so much for us down through the years and now it's time for us to give them a little something back.

Personally, I set out to take a look at that bane of the Silver Age: temporary fatness. Just name a super-hero who was active in the early 60s and chances are they spent at least one issue of their comic just as round as can be. There were so many, in fact, that to try to fit them all into a single post would be the very definition of madness. Instead, I am going to offer up a series of posts as the week wears on, looking at the plight of the momentarily mountainous and examining just how they managed to get in and out of such a situation. First up: The Flash!

Hip-Happy Heroes: The Flash

1. How'd He Get So Big?

Back in Flash No 115, the Flash was squaring off against his perennial foe Gorilla Grodd, who had traded in his mighty simian body for that of a diminutive bald man. Tiny Grodd still had his massive brain, however, and managed to hit the Flash with a ray gun blast.

Grodd's ray causes the Flash's body to absorb massive amounts of moisture from the air around him, to the extent that he ends up a bloated mound of scarlet-clad flesh, barely able to move, let alone run.

2. What Were The Social Ramifications?

If there's one thing that comics have taught me about the 60s, it's that difference was not tolerated. It's not a question of whether a given hero's life would be ruined by sudden weight gain, but to what extent. The Flash might carry this to its extreme:

That's right, Grodd uses another ray to wipe Barry's memory and then sells him to a circus to be gawked at by yokels.

3. Well, How Does He Get Back To Normal?

Since this is the Flash, you might expect the answer to be that he runs off the weight, very quickly. I am afraid, however, that you are wrong. Instead, after glimpsing himself in a funhouse mirror and regaining his memory, the Flash concocts a cunning plan:

He hops into an industrial-sized dehydrator, a machine that is evidently capable of reducing thousands of potatoes to powder. I give you the thinking man's super-hero, ladies and gentlemen.

It works, though, and even removed the extra foot that he had grown on this arms in the bargain.

4. Can We Apply His Method To Our Own Lives?

Oh, lord no! After about a minute of this kind of sweating:

... you would dry up into a little mummy. No, the Barry Allen Method should only be attempted by those who have been rayed by a gorilla, and only then under a doctor's orders.

Until next time, remember: Hip-happy Means Plump!

You Gonna Boot Me, Fileboner, or Are You Wearing Heels?

Don't make me sweat it out, even if I am a bit hip-happy.

That's right, my fellow teens: it's time for another vocabulary lesson from the fine folks at DC Comics! Soon you'll go from being just another broom with a lousy hair-raid to an on-the-chain hep ca, the subject of many a sugar report! 

This batch of purported slang seems to be even shakier than the last, especially if guys really were that hostile about making introductions - the last thing that I'd want to do is give a guy with that expression on his face an excuse for physical violence. Actually, I'm kind of sad that "Boot me!" hasn't had the success that "Shot down in flames." has enjoyed - I'm sure that hundreds of Archie punchlines alone could have resulted.

Unquestionably, though, there is one bit of slang from this page that we should all try to resurrect:

Setting aside the fact that hardly anyone writes letters any more, and that our horrible 21st Century brains can't help but think that any phrase with the word sweat in it is dirty in the extreme, you have to admit that referring to a love letter as a sugar report is just adorable. I command you to write one this week!

So until next time, fileboners, remember:

Hip-Happy means plump!

John Takes a Moment Away From Floating Down the River in an Inner Tube to Buy Comics

The mid-February statutory holiday has been shot down in flames once more here in Nova Scotia, so I’ve taken matters into my own hands and cashed in a week’s vacation. You might think that that would mean that my reviews of the week’s comics would be all shiny and done as early as can be, but if you did you would be a fool. A FOOL I SAY! Here they are, as late as can be:

Mesmo Delivery

This is one of those comics that I like so much that I want to open my review with a swear (today’s swear: holy hot damn!) and barely want to review at all, for fear of giving away plot points that were essential to my joy.

I shall persevere, however. I am nothing if not strong. First, the bare bones of the plot: a gigantic ex-boxer and a grizzled Elvis impersonator are driving a big rig, on their way to deliver a mysterious cargo. As you can see on the cover, there is a fight at some point. And that’s all I can bear to give away – even though I’ve reread this book at least two times the initial unfolding of the plot was so unexpected and enjoyable that I couldn’t in good conscience deprive another of.

What I will comment on, however, is the art, which is both insane and insanely terrific. Heck, this book would be worth noting for the super-nice logo designs alone, but Rafael Grampá has done a beautiful job here on both character design and crazy super action. This is an amazing first book - hell, this would be an amazing twenty-first book – there’s no question of me not eagerly snatching up any further books by Grampá.

Resurrection No. 8

I bought this issue of Resurrection because I enjoy reading the ISB and I like supporting folks, so I can’t really comment on the main story since I have no idea what’s going on (though having still-living former president Bill Clinton as part of the cast is a pretty damn novel idea. Usually a president’s got to be at least fifty years dead or Nixon to get that sort of starring role). I caught the basic plot pretty easily: aliens have invaded, stayed for ten years and then left again and now folks are trying to put the world back together. It’s interesting enough and looks good enough that I’ll be checking it out further.

But as I said, I bought it for the backup by Chris Sims/Chad Bowers and Rusty Shackles, and that backup features teenage boys in an apocalyptic future trying to get some lady-time and using the wisdom of 80s cinema to do so. And as much as I like to think that I would be concerned with higher things in such a situation, I know that this is not true – I too would probably be overly concerned with propagating the species. So: looked great, well-written and spoke to me on a spiritual level. Hurrah!

Almost Silent – For many years I only half noticed Jason as the guy with the weird animal-style comics with dark overtones that showed up in a lot on anthologies and such, and then I looked a little closer and saw that he was incredible and delightful to mine eyes and brain, respectively. This book collects four of his earlier works, which is great for me as I haven’t had the free cash to pick them up yet. Also, I love swank little hardcovers, especially when so much of the interior is taken up with the antics of zombies, vampires, wolfmen, skeletons and Elvis.

Atomic Robo: Revenge of the Vampire Dimension No. 1 (of 4)

Sometimes I think that I should pay more attention to what’s coming out in the near future, just so I can claim to be well-informed, but that would preclude things like this sneaking up on me like they do. I learned that there was a new Atomic Robo series when I held this issue in my hand, and that’s a very good feeling – a man could go mad waiting for something as beloved as Atomic Robo.

This series looks like it’s going to have more of the Fightin’ Scientists of Tesladyne, but more importantly, it’s going to have more Dr Dinosaur, and more Dr Dinosaur means more joy.

Joe the Barbarian No 2 of 8 – This is an astonishingly fun take on the old “youngster transported to a magical kingdom” plot, and it’s one of those joyous times that a Grant Morrison series is exactly the right length for Grant Morrison’s writing, so that I don’t get all confused and sad.

Streets of Gotham No. 9 – Not only was the second half of this two-part story just as boring as the first but it tried to fool me by being really easy to figure out. I almost let my triumph influence me into going easy on it! Well, pleeeaah, “Hardcore Nights”. You are a bad story. I look forward to the return of the regular plot next issue.

Power Girl No. 9 – Is it just me or does this book have some of the best facial expressions in comic books going on inside? Even if it is just me, I applaud - every month this comic is a treat.

Incorruptible No. 3 – Okay, I withdraw 60 to 70 percent of my complaints about this series, as with this issue Waid starts to hand out some pretty interesting clues as to why Max Damage might have flip-flopped on the issue of whether to be evil or not, clues which retroactively make his earlier actions make a lot more sense. However, there was still a heinous amount of ham-handed exposition in the first two issues.
 

Clap For The Wolfman? A Spoiler-Free Review!

 

I tried really, really hard to like Universal’s update of The Wolfman, I really did. I’m a sucker for lycanthropy flicks, having seen The Howling, Wolfen, and An American Werewolf In London more times than I care to remember. I followed the movie’s tortured path to the multiplex (more on that later) to the screen with much interest, and made sure I was there to support it on opening night. I even proudly wore my Monster Squad “Wolfman’s Got Nards” t-shirt! Unfortunately, despite having a good cast and the most dependable go-to guy for monster effects in its corner, The Wolfman feels less like a movie and more like product—a once-valuable corporate property being dusted off and trotted out once more to make a few bucks.

 Acclaimed thespian Lawrence Talbot returns to his family’s ancestral estate on the moors when his brother is killed by a mysterious beast, and when he joins the hunt to find the creature, he is attacked and bitten by the feral creature. As Talbot recovers from his injuries, he is protected by his eccentric father (Anthony Hopkins, now apparently the go-to guy to play the Crazy Old Man in classic monster remakes—see his performance as Professor Van Helsing in Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula remake for more details) and nursed back to health by his brother’s grieving fiancée (Emily Blunt). However, once the full moon rises again, Talbot sprouts hair and fangs and goes on a killing spree. No amount of Victorian-era crackpot psychiatry--like a good old fashioned strait-jacketed dunking into a pool of ice cubes, for instance--will cure him; it seems only a silver bullet will do the job.

 The cast of The Wolfman acquits themselves admirably, particularly Del Toro. With his haunted eyes and hangdog intensity, he’s the perfect actor to play a civilized man struggling with his inner beast. Hugo Weaving has a nice turn as the inspector hot on the werewolf’s trail, and Hopkins throws himself into his part with loony gusto. The creature effects were designed by the legendary Rick Baker, who won an Academy Award for his work in An American Werewolf In London. His upright-walking, partially clothed Wolf Man has a nice classic look, and the transformation sequences recall AAWIL’s bone-wrenching grossness. It’s too bad that the majority of the transformations are achieved using CGI, as their video-game smoothness can’t measure up to the how-the-heck-did-they-do-that magic of Baker’s earlier practical effects work. The transformations themselves also whiz by too fast—any fan of the genre will happily tell you that that’s usually the best part of a werewolf movie! This rushed pace represents an overall problem with the film, which at times feels like one big montage. We’re introduced to the characters in a hurry, their relationships develop too quickly…even the story’s Big Twist seems to arrive about one act too early. Aside from some hinted-at Freudian ickiness in the Talbot family, there’s not much in the way of subtext or relevance either, just monster madness for its own sake. Which is fine, but not always enough to make a movie stay with you after the credits roll.

 The Wolfman was a famously troubled production—original director Mark Romanek (One Hour Photo) left the project over creative differences right before shooting, and Joe Johnston (director of The Rocketeer, and soon-to-be Captain America helmer) stepped in at the last possible second. The film was pulled from its original 2008 release for reshoots and retooling, and then yanked from Universal’s schedule again right before its proposed Halloween 2009 release. With all the behind-the-scenes drama, it’s a wonder The Wolfman is watchable at all, but it is—I’d certainly rather sit through it again a dozen more times than have to watch another Saw sequel. Sadly, though, I don’t see this new interpretation of the werewolf legend capturing the zeitgeist any time soon. Maybe we should hold out hope for the long-gestating remake of The Creature From The Black Lagoon?

Archie Sunday: Veronica gives Archie a sex tape

In honour of Valentine's Day, I thought we'd get a little sexy with Archie Sunday.

When I worked at Strange Adventures, sometimes I would get a parent in the store who would express concern that their child enjoyed Archie comics. They would ask if I could suggest something less adult. It really confused me, but now I think I see what they are talking about.

So our story starts off innocently enough. Archie is suffering from insomnia, so Veronica buys him a tape that is supposed to help him sleep.

Archie appreciates the gesture, and oddly refers to his dream girl as a "good kid." Now let's hear that tape!

This tape is a first class ticket to Bonertown!

Archie is pretty excited about his sex dreams.

Eager to escape the harsh, unsexy reality of Riverdale, Archie falls asleep at Pop's.

Veronica is having none of this. Archie signed a contract assuring that all erotic dreams would feature only Veronica. This is a clear infringement.

So Veronica returns to the store, tape in hand, and demands that the salesman play it for her. It happens to start at a particularly alarming, and non sleep related, passage.

So after standing there for awhile while the salesman gets hot and bothered, Veronica purchases a different sleep tape and slips it into Archie's tape player. This reveals Archie's fear of sheep and sheep wranglers.

I'll bet his dreams that night were all messed up.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Forgotten Characters of Yesteryear: Mighty Hawkhat

It's time for a little forgotten history, friends! A character so obscure that I guarantee you've never heard of him: Hawkman's long-discarded sidekick:

MIGHTY HAWKHAT!

Mighty Hawkhat was one of those strange storytelling elements of the early days of comics, things which might merit an entire story arc to explain today but that had no origin at all. How archaeologist and reincarnated Egyptian prince Carter Hall acquired what was evidently a living creature resembling a giant, tentacled hawk's head was never addressed, nor was it explained why such a creature was worn by hall while in his role of Hawkman. It was all just part of the experience.

Hawkman and Mighty Hawkhat shared a number of adventures together. Initially, Mighty Hawkhat could not speak and contributed his opinions of the proceedings through exaggerated facial expressions, though curiously these expressions seldom matched the tone of the story.

In fact, Mighty Hawkhat usually seemed to be grinning and winking at the events that were going on around him, as if to break the tension of the often-violent mysteries that Hawkman would find himself embroiled in.

If he was attempting to court favour with his young audience, however, Mighty Hawkhat failed miserably. Readers evidently hated him, sly grins and all. In an effort to salvage the character, he was given a more ominous aspect:

He was also given a voice, though in an effort to steer the character away from his light-hearted beginnings that voice tended to be even darker than the already serious Hawkman's own:

But the change in character did nothing to change how the fans felt about Mighty Hawkhat. In fact, one of the aspects of the personality makeover served to further alienate the reading public. The revamped Hawkhat was inexplicably jealous of Shiera Saunders, Carter Hall's love interest:

... his constant barrage of disparaging remarks and dirty looks served less to liven up the series that to derail it into panel after panel of tedious "banter".

Mighty Hawkhat eventually proved to be more of a hinderance than a help to Hawkman's war on crime and was discarded, never to be heard from again. Hawkman invested in an inanimate hawk headdress and never looked back. Probably for the best, but one always wonders what might have been.

Rest in Peace, Mighty Hawkhat.