A Hat Week Salute to Tough Guys in Derbies
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Tough Guys in Derbies:
... a special breed. Give a tough guy in a derby a hug today.
John Buys Comics, Puts on Special Reviewing Hat
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With special theme-week-appropriate rating system!
First Wave No. 1 (of 6)
Oh, what a rollercoaster ride this has been.
The First Wave special earlier this year, as I recall, was fun and I gave it a tentative pass. A melding of the DCU and a pulp-style setting has a hell of a lot of potential, after all. Then we had two separate waves of Post-It Previews, which are just the sort of thing to poison my mind against a project (“Brian, Just read your background material on the Blackhawks. Loved it but am concerned that it is too awesome and may blow everyone’s minds way too hard. - Dan”), so by the time this actually came out I was primed to loathe it. Hell, I almost didn’t buy it, that’s how grumpy I was about the whole thing. Happily, the quality levels of the marketing and the actual book were not at all comparable. In short: I liked this book, despite all odds.
Okay, that was a falsehood. When you have a book that features the Spirit AND Doc Savage AND a version of Batman who is also kind of the Shadow, you’re kind of starting off with me as your target audience. If you go ahead and write it really well, then you’ve got a good chance at keeping my attention, and so it’s a good thing for Brian Azzarello that he did just that. First Wave doesn’t really read like a pulp novel - a good thing, because I don’t know that it’s a writing style that would translate very well - but like some of the latter day attempts to write adventures in pulp-style worlds. Uh, by which I mean it’s a lot of fun, like most such projects are. Plus you’ve got Rags Morales knocking the art out of the park, plus there’s what I suspect to be a robot with a human brain on page four. So, yeah: four out of five hats:
Sparta: USA No. 1
Man, what is it with Wildstorm lately? Every time something like Mysterius the Unfathomable or North 40 ends, another series that scratches the same sort of itch appears. I’d like it even more if two or three of those sort of series would run at the same time, but I’ll take what I can get (the itch, by the way, is for a series that is well-written, well-drawn, has an interesting mystery at its core and is full of supernatural or science-fictiony weirdness. Hey, The Unwritten is an ongoing that fits that description, isn’t it? I’m so lucky).
The preview for this book last week was the best teaser for a comic book I’ve seen in a long time. It starts out as a description of a small American town and got just weird enough to intrigue: the folks have just a bit too much civic pride. They like football just a bit too much. There’s a hint of menace here and there, where there shouldn’t be, and then at the end there’s mention of a yeti. Five pages and DC had made a sale, though as it was just the first five pages of the comic I guess I should credit David Lapham and Johnny Timmons more than anyone.
This is the sort of comic that I form a deep attachment to on first read - I know that all of the weirdness associated with the town of Sparta will be explained in good time an am pretty sure that the process is going to be joyful. Five hats.
Age of Reptiles: The Journey No. 3 (of 4)
Richard Delgado has a bit at the end of these issue where he talks about falling in love with dinosaurs as a kid, and this issue focuses on how fascinated he was with the dinosaur paintings of Charles R. Knight. That’s precisely right - this series even more than the prior [Age of Reptiles] books feels like a study of a collection of actual animals, just like all of the pictures that I used to pore over in my dino books. The storytelling on the cover alone just sucked me in for a couple of minutes, for heaven’s sake. I’ll be getting a copy of this for my nephew, once I’m sure that he’s past book-destroying age. Five hats.
Nemesis: the Impostors No. 1 (of 4) - Though RUN! was the most viscerally pleasing of the Final Crisis Aftermath series, I reckon that Escape was the best book over all. It did, however, leave a huge number of questions hanging in the air. Will this series clear anything up? Let’s decide in a SECOND ISSUE OF JUDGEMENT. In the meantime: three hats, the hat-equivalent of one eyebrow raised expectantly.
Adventure No. 8 - Okay: the first issue of Adventure under a new creative team without crossover bullshit to contend with! How’d they do? Let’s see… Legion of Super-Heroes stuff: good times. Legion Espionage Squad, Mon-El and Superboy stuff: also good times, and the first two parts look like they’ll come together into a Brainiac beat-down in good order. General Sam Lane and Project 7734? HAS TO END. SO BORING. SNORE.
I guess that makes this issue two-thirds good, which I’ll say is three hats.
Astro City: Dark Age Book Four No. 2 - Astro City books get five hats even when I’m not using a hat-based rating system, that’s how much I love them. And this issue features Las Vegas’ super-hero, who is named Mirage and has neon sign powers. I weren’t so lazy I’d make another graphic and give this book six hats.
Sweet Tooth No 7 - Okay, next issue has got to be the one where Sweet Tooth wakes up and he’s still with Mr. Jessup and then Mr. Jessup teaches him to play hockey. And then a kitten. Four tear-stained hats.
*doffs hat* Good night everybody!
HAT WEEK: HATS!
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In celebration of HAT WEEK, I am going to take a look at some very real super hero hats that you can buy and wear (though I would not recommend it).
First we have a Superman cap plastered with Jim Lee artwork. This hat blatantly ignores the "less is more" philosophy:
"SO, DO YOU LIKE SUPERMAN?"
And if Superman isn't your thing, but you are still into hideous hats and Jim Lee artwork, the cap also is available in Batman:
"HAVE YOU EVER READ HUSH, BRO?"
This next hat seems like a pretty straightforward, though still terrible, Death of Superman hat:
NEVER FORGET.
Except wait! It's not that at all! It's actually part of a series of hats featuring superhero logos that have been splattered in paint:
THE FLASH CAN OUTRUN EVERYTHING...EXCEPT A BUCKET OF PAINT.
Of course there are plenty of Dark Knight Joker hats, none of which should be worn by anyone:
I'M NOT SURE WHO THINKS THEY CAN PULL THIS OFF, BUT THEY ARE WRONG.
"HMMM...I THINK I'LL WEAR MY FORMAL DARK KNIGHT JOKER CAP TONIGHT."
NEVER FORGET.
There's a confusing series of Marvel hats that feature other Marvel logos with Wolverine slashes through them. I guess it's like the Marvel equivalent of having Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo:
HAHA! FUCK YOU, FANTASTIC FOUR!
SPIDER-MAN? MORE LIKE SPIDER-DICK!
This is a very intense movie Batman hat that just looks insane to me. Although if I were talking to someone who was wearing it, I would probably be staring dreamily at their forehead the whole time:
"HELLO RACHELLE. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE NERD BELOW ME. YOU NEED ONLY SPEAK TO ME."
This hat is, for real, just straight up awesome:
IF I WORE BALLCAPS, I WOULD WEAR THIS ALL THE TIME.
This hat is straight up terrifying:
"I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR BLIND DATE. I'LL BE THE ONE WEARING CAPTAIN AMERICA'S HEAD ON MY HEAD.
Hey, I know there's really no limits to how tacky your Punisher merchandise can be. But if there were a limit, I would say this hat is dangerously close to it:
"AW MAN, THE PUNISHER IS SO FUCKING DOPE. HE, LIKE, SHOOTS SHIT AND SHIT."
"AND HE'S GOT A SKULL ON HIS SHIRT. HE'S EVEN COOLER THAN VENOM."
And finally, Superman would never wear this:
UNLESS BATMAN TOLD HIM TO.
When Heroes Accessorize!
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From the ashes of Fat Week, it’s Hat Week here at Living Between Wednesdays! I’m a bit fuzzy on how this whole theme came about—I feel fairly certain that alcohol may have been involved. I do know that the logical progression of Fat Week leading to Hat Week means that next week will be Cat Week. I still have no idea what I’ll be writing about for that. For now, though, this week will all be about stylish headgear. I came to my topic for this theme pretty quickly, when I remembered an awesome issue of the old Marvel Two-In-One series—issue #60, to be exact, cover dated February 1979. I have this story in the old The Thing: Project Pegasus trade paperback, although I don’t think it appears in the newly-issued hardcover of the same storyline. Which is a shame, because it’s great fun in the old-school Mighty Marvel Manner. This was an especially great run on this book, with the Project Pegasus storyline on one side of this issue and the Counter-Earth saga and The Serpent Crown Affair on the other side of it.
This story, titled “Happiness Is A Warm Alien!” (by writers Ralph Macchio and Mark Gruenwald, and artists George Perez and Gene Day) sees Benjamin J. Grimm, AKA the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed Thing, getting ready for a fancy gallery show of his gal Alicia’s latest sculptures. Ben gets ready for the show with a shower, only to be interrupted (in a fun Psycho homage) by Fantastic Four associate the Impossible Man. This shape-shifting weirdo from the planet Poppup is looking to be entertained for the evening, so he gets the night off to a slightly invasive start by disguising himself as Ben’s towel. Can you imagine if Ben had decided to use that towel to dry off his nether regions before he realized what was going on? I’ll bet ol’ Impy wouldn’t try that gag again.
Impossible Man really wants to hang out with his rocky orange pal that night, but Ben insists that the presence of a pointy-headed green alien will freak out the guests of the SoHo gallery show. Y’know, more so than a seven-foot tall muscleman made out of bright orange rocks in a tuxedo. However, I.M. comes up with a novel solution:
Hilarity ensues when the duo take to the streets, and the excitable extraterrestrial can’t settle on a shape. One imagines that a sight like this would attract attention regardless, but the tabloid press probably had a field day with this.
I can’t decide which one is funniest—the Davy Crockett or the moose antlers. As an aside, I’d like to add that George Perez probably draws my all-time favourite version of the Thing. He’s just very expressive and lovable. Dig that expression in the panel where’s he’s wearing the Mickey Mouse hat (does this mean that the Marvel/Disney deal was written in the stars or something?).
The remainder of the story involves a trio of thugs that Ben put away in an old issue of Strange Tales who transfer their minds into Alicia’s statues of supervillains in order to get revenge. Ben and Impy shut them down pretty easily, but not before a few familiar faces from the Marvel Bullpen make an appearance. It’s meta before meta was a thing!
Not shown: the Yancy Street Gang pouring one on the curb for their dead homey who took a brick in the face.
Herbie Popnecker: King of Fat Week
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What would Fat Week be without an entry about Herbie Popnecker? Pretty slim, I'd say.
If you haven't read the Darkhorse Herbie Archives that chronicle the meger twenty or so brilliant issues of Herbie—get on it! This comic is phat! Large! A HUGE SUCCESS! Ok, I'm done.
But seriously, Herbie is absurd and surreal, with laugh-out-loud hilarious moments. And the pristine silver age art just adds to the strangeness of it. Such weird and wonderful stuff.
If you're not familiar with Herbie Popnecker, I'm going to provide a pictoral tour through Herbie Archives volume 2 ('cause that's the one I have on hand), so you can get to know him. If you are familiar with Herbie, feel free to post your favourite Herbie memories or your Herbie fanfic.
So, Herbie:
Herbie is more hip than happy. And by, "hip" I mean, "fat."
He speaks in a curt monotone, like he just can't be bothered to use articles when he says anything.
This is one of the reasons why Dave came to the conclusion that Herbie may have been Alan Moore's inspiration for Rorschach. Herbie is a sort of anti-hero, an abrasive, sardonic fat kid, who you eventually can't help but root for.
He's inexplicably famous, he can time travel, and every woman alive is voraciously attracted to him.
His Dad's a total dick, but that don't bother Herbie none.
But the best part is, Herbie is unapologetically fat. He loves his lollies and feels no shame about it.
Herbie's no yo-yo dieting Kirstie Alley.
Dude calls his superhero alter ego THE FAT FURY! That's some serious plump pride.
One time, Herbie went to Canada, and it was possibly less confusing than when the Archies did. It also resulted in this panel:
In honour of Fat Week, I'll leave you with a montage of Herbie getting some serious play.
P.S. Living Between Wednesdays contest: the first person to get this tattoo...
...wins my undying love and respect.
Hip-happy Heroes Part 6: The Futuristic Finale!
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Hip-Happy Heroes comes to its inevitable conclusion with the tale of the proudest fatty of all: the indomitable Bouncing Boy!
Bouncing Boy, aka Chuck Taine, is a special case, as he didn't just become fat, he started out fat and got fatter. In fact, Chuck was one of maybe ten fat guys left in the far-off and evidently calorie-conscious world of the Thirtieth Century, and possibly the only one who wasn't a decadent crime-boss or corrupt politician. No, Chuck was a simple delivery boy in a blue suit:
Even the moost brilliant scientist has a fatal flaw, however, and this one's was his extreme frugality. More specifically, his tendency to put top-secret formulae into old pop bottles instead of investing in proper transport containers.
He probably should have spent a bit more money on his delivery guy, too, instead of hiring Chuck. See, Chuck is the stereotypical fat guy, which means that a) he has no self-control, and therefore is unable to resist stopping off at the robot fights on his way to deliver the fluid.
b) He can't go fifteen minutes without a snack of some kind, so he buys himself a pop from a vendor.
And c) he's just a bit stupid. So not only does Chuck pick up the wrong bottle, he, like Jimmy Olsen before him, manages to drain the whole foul-tasting thing before he realizes that he's probably just poisoned himself.
Happily, this all takes place in an origin story, so not only does Chuck gain the power to turn into an even fatter guy and bounce around instead of staying the same size and dying, but he isn't fined and/or jailed for destroying an important scientific discovery. Presumably he was fired, but that just paved the way for him to join the legion of Super-Heroes and eventually marry a girl who could split into two. So... good job on the gluttony, Chuck.
Of course, the saga of Bouncing Boy doesn't end there. As is the fate of most extremely silly characters, ol' Chuck was somewhat... despised by a fair number of people. And so, the Matter-Shrinking Projector was deployed.
Suddenly, Bouncing Boy was no longer a fat guy who could swell up like a balloon, he was just a skinny guy with a bad haircut. As was always the case in such situations, he was immediately (mostly) booted from the Legion and started devoting all of his time to picking up chicks.
"There we go." said the writers, dusting their hands, "No more fat guy troubles for us." But! The show was not yet over. I'm not sure if Bouncing Boy fans started voicing their displeasure or if a fat guy in the Legion was just right somehow, but the idea wouldn't go away.
The forces of irony must have had a hand in making Superboy the second Legion fatty, considering his terrible behavior when introduced to Iresa: during the terrible reign of Dynamo Boy he was given a two-panel dose of Bouncing Boy's power before being summarily booted from the clubhouse.I don't think that he learned anything from it, but it sure was fun to watch.
Not long after, the entire Legion was imprisoned by arch-fiend Nardo, and the intrepid Matter-Eater Lad attempted to eat his way to freedom. Captured and due to be executed, he was saved by Superboy, but the strange interaction of ray-gun and Kryptonian youth caused a curious change in the lad from Bismoll:
Yes, the curse of Bouncing Boy had struck again! Now the boy who was dinstinguished by his constant eating was morbidly obese! Oh, the humour!
Finally, though, during the Legion's struggle with the villain Evillo (the man so determined to get his point across that he dressed like the Devil) the universe righted itself:
Evillo's chief scientist, a man with a lot of issues to work through, acted as a deus ex machina to fix all of the Legion's physical defects: one-armedness, excessive fat, fat deficit, etc. Finally all was right with the world. Worlds. Galaxy-wide planetary federation.
So for those of you keeping track, Bouncing Boy started out fat, got fatter through the effects of something that should have killed him, got skinny through the influence of something that probably shouldn't have done what it did, briefly got fat again (not pictured) thanks to some crazy ray and was finally restored to his old self for good by a semi-insane scientist with an upside-down face. What fun!
Now and forever, friends, HIP-HAPPY MEANS PLUMP!
