John Buys Comics - Ill-Advised Edition

Yes, it's the weekly comics review by me, Johnathan. This week: I have been lured away from my post by old university friends and am, to put it euphemistically, suffering from heat exhaustion. 

Jersey Gods No. 12 - Oh, hell. I was really enjoying this series, but I guess that 12 is one of the magic "YOUR BOOK ISN'T SELLING ENOUGH" numbers. Wait, why wasn't this book selling enough? It was great! The entire population of a planet fused together into one colossal cosmic entity to destroy an asteroid! Kirby-style cosmic being had to meet Earth-style in-laws! There was a fast guy named Rushmore! Dammit, there are Philistines all around me.

Kill Shakespeare No. 2 - I may not have read quite as much Shakespeare as I convinced my English professors that I had, but I have to admit to being downright excited by some of the character dynamics in this comic. Richard III and Iago, two of the most deceitful characters in history, leading Hamlet, one of the most credulous, around by the nose? Only hijinks can ensue! And the art continues to delight! Please stifle any reverse-snobbishness that might be preventing you from picking this up: it is wonderful on any level of in-the-knowishness.

Atomic Robo and the Revenge of the Vampire Dimension No. 4 - Look, my love for Atomic Robo is a matter of public record, but independent of that, I wish to state that Dr Dinosaur is one of the greatest comic book characters of all time. In support of this, I refer you to page 3, panels 2-5. That is all. 

War of the Supermen No. 3 - I know that I have been harshing on the Superman family of books on and off all year, but ultimately I would have to say that this is how you should run an event: keep it in the pants of the character's books. In the case of superman, things have been playing out in his own book, Action, Adventure and in half a dozen miniseries like this one. Tons of other heroes appear, sure, but in supporting roles, because there's no real need for the JLA and the JSA and the Teen Titans and Simon Dark and Oberon to each have their own special in which they battle an enraged Kryptonian. You can already picture how each of those fights go, right? TAH DAAA! No need for one thousand crappy tie-in issues.

Zatanna No 1 - Oh dang, I totally bogarted this from Dave even though he had something to say about it. Sorry Dave!

Wait, I have something to say too! AHEM: this issue has about one hundred really cool ideas, tied together by so-so writing. I'm going to blame the so-so-ness on the fact that this issue is chock-full of exposition and such, because there is the core of a really cool series here. And some very cool villains, too. I just hope that things even out in subsequent issues, because I really like the idea of a war against the magical Mob, complete with bearded guys in robes as enforcers. Keep on keepin' on, Dini!

The Spirit No. 2 - A huge improvement over No. 1, even if Yvette Plaisir/Angel Smerti had a weirdly and inconsistently rendered head and neck (I'm talking disconcertingly small, here). I'll continue to reserve judgement.

Legion of Super-Heroes No. 1 - I am definitely not the right person to tell you just how accessible this is to folks who aren’t already familiar with the Legion, as well as the DCU in general. I think that this issue and by extension this series are fairly accessible, barring having to pick up the trade of that Action Comics story from a couple of years back. Basically, as someone who reads comics that were written before I was born as a hobby, this sort of thing is super-plus great. For those of you that live in the now, I reckon that it could be regular great. Trust me.

Hey, I wrote this one while I was sober! "Brightest Day No. 2 - Okay, it looks like there aren’t going to be as many people saying “Brightest Day” in this as the Number 0 issue made it look, so instead I’m going to start tracking the ratio of horrifying events symptomatic of the kind of storytelling that this series is supposedly part of a general trend away from AS COMPARED TO the total number of issues. So far: 3/3.

On a positive note, it kind of looks like Firestorm is black in this issue, like he’s a combination of Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch(sp?)’s physical forms, and that would be a cool way of addressing the whole “inadvertent whitewashing” aspect of rolling back so many of the legacy heroes. In this one case, of course; it doesn’t make Ryan Choi less dead. Also, it might just be all of the weird lighting effects on Firestorm’s face because of his head being on fire."

Later Addendum: I don't really think that he looks black. I just want to. Dammit DC, THROW US A BONE HERE.

American Vampire No. 3 - THIRD ISSUE RECAP!

Pearl, an aspiring actress in 1920s Hollywood, is lured to a party and used as fodder by aristocratic European vampires. Despite being driven out into the desert and tossed into a mass grave, she manages to survive long enough for her friends to find her and get her to a doctor. She is still slowly dying, though, which prompts the enigmatic vampire Sweet to turn her and set her on the path of revenge. Bloody hijinks ensue.

Also, there is a backup story written by Stephen King and detailing exactly how Sweet came to be the only American vampire. Lots of beheadings!

Weathercraft - Came out last week, but I was lazy. It's no better this week, because I really have to go to bed soon, so in lieu of a legitimate review, here is an anecdote. 

When I used to work in a library, I abused my powers to take The Frank Book out for more than six months, in which time I read it maybe a dozen times. Jim Woodring's work is fascinating, folks, and Weathercraft is no exception. If you don't have a visceral dislike for books that are wordless and in black and white then I heartily recommend it.

And that's that. No pictures this week, unless I get really ambitious in the morning. Just the drunken truth, ayup. 

Good night, folks.

"It's Your Kids, Marty! Something's Gotta Be Done About Your Kids!"

 Wow, Marvel really stepped up their campaign to destroy me this week, releasing Enter The Heroic Age, Heroic Age: Age Of Heroes, and Heroic Age magazine all in one week, making the accounts pull a frustrating and confusing experience (having the Heroic Age banner on Avengers, Atlas, and Deadpool, not to mention all the Heroic Age variant covers, really didn’t help). So, just to get back at them, I am going to be totally childish and use a couple of panels from Ultimate Avengers II #2 out of context to make Bruce Banner look racist:

 

Oh, Bruce. “You people”? Poor choice of words, buddy. Anyway, as you may have guessed, The Heroic Age kicked off proper this week with the launch of the brand-new Avengers ongoing series by Brian Michael Bendis and John Romita Jr. (to be followed up by New Avengers, Secret Avengers, and Avengers Academy—apparently, Marvel wants to keep using the word Avengers until it has completely lost all meaning). This debut issue features the new team lineup of Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Wolverine, Spider-Woman, and Hawkeye, overseen by Maria Hill in the Henry Peter Gyrich role, I guess.

Strangely, though, only the characters who have been in, or will soon be appearing in, major motion pictures made the cover. Funny that, eh? Kang shows up to crash their launch party by telling them, Doc Brown style, that their kids are going to ruin the future and screw up the timestream or something and they have to come into the future and help save it. Bendis continues to aim straight for the lowest common denominator here; it’s all awkward dialogue, unfunny banter, and time-travel mumbo jumbo, with a good dose of “Let’s run and fight!” thrown in for good measure. I’m glad to see Clint Barton back as Hawkeye, but it doesn’t happen in any kind of dramatic or cool fashion. He just shows up and is Hawkeye. With all the Siege crossovers, couldn’t there have been a moment where Bullseye/Hawkeye suddenly switches sides, and we realize that Clint had beaten up Bullseye and taken his costume back so he could infiltrate the Dark Avengers? Something, anyway! Anything would have been better than just, “Hey, it’s me, I’m Hawkeye again”, and him and Spidey make a few dumb jokes about it or whatever. Sorry, my inner Hawkeye fanboy got away from me there for a second. Like Siege, this feels like it was thrown together in a hurry, and maybe I’m expecting too much of it, but it’s sloppy and I don’t like it. So there.

 

A much better Heroic Age book this week was Atlas #1 by Jeff Parker and Gabriel Hardman. It spins out of the now-defunct Agents of Atlas series, riding a crest of publicity for these characters that its predecessor never had (lots of guest appearances and spin-off miniseries led up to this relaunch). The Atlas team is composed of the modern incarnations of various 1950s Marvel characters who were published separately under the old Atlas publishing imprint, and is a fun bunch of science fiction archetypes—a Goddess (Venus), a robot (M-11, the Human Robot), a spaceman (Marvel Boy), a talking ape (Gorilla Man), an Atlantean (Namora, cousin of Namor) and a secret agent (former SHIELD agent Jimmy Woo). Don’t be intimidated by all that has gone before, though—this new first issue tells its story from the point of view of new team member 3D Man, as he seeks out Atlas after being plagued by visions of the mysterious superteam, while being pursued by murderous aliens that only he can see (shades of They Live!). This is a fun, retro-tinged team book in the Mighty Marvel Manner, light-hearted but not goofy, while being serious yet not grim.

 Now, let’s finish out the day with this amazing scene from Stephanie Buscema’s story in the long-delayed and quite excellent Girl Comics #2 (featuring stories by Jill Thompson, Kathryn Immonen & Colleen Coover, and LBW pal Faith Erin Hicks!):

 

That Doom really knows how to enjoy his day off.

This Week's Haul: I'm back, baby

Hey, I read some comics this week in a (somewhat) timely manner for the first time in, oh, months. I have been reading comics very slowly lately, what with the new baby and all. So here are my quick thoughts, several days later.

The Return of Bruce Wayne #1

Hey! It's Bruce Wayne! I love that guy! And I love Grant Morrison! And you know who else I love? Chris Sprouse!

This was awesome. I loved how the cavemen talk, how Bruce Wayne talks, and how shirtless he was. In this comic, Bruce Wayne emerges from a cave, shirtless, in cavemen times. He shirtlessly kicks a young Vandal Savage's caveman ass before jumping forward in time without a shirt on. It's just good comics.

I know a lot of people, myself included, felt that Batman jumping around through time on a journey back to the present had been, y'know, done. But here's what Captain America: Reborn didn't have: Bruce MF Wayne.

Booster Gold #32

Keith Giffen and J.M. Dematteis jump on to revisit the character they made so enjoyable in their JLA comics. But here's the thing: it's terrible. I almost stopped reading this issue like six times. I felt the same level as exhaustion as I did watching Iron Man 2. I just wanted everyone to shut up for five seconds. This issue is a sea of word balloons, and each one is full of really obnoxious dialogue. You would think that written dialogue couldn't be grating, but, well, here we are. I hate to say it, because I have been a fan since the beginning, but this series is getting officially dropped by me.

Marvels Project #8

I was really excited about this series when I first heard about it. Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting revisiting Marvel's Golden Age characters sounds like the best thing. But in actuality, it was pretty boring. I think the problem was mostly that the whole story was just straight narration from the POV of The Angel. The series looked fantastic, and the writing certainly wasn't bad, but there was nothing particularly memorable about any of it, which is surprising and disappointing.

Birds of Prey #1

Thanks to some poor decisions about new writers, I will no longer be reading a couple of my favourite series, Wonder Woman and Power Girl. This is a real drag, but at least we have BoP starting up again with Gail Simone at the helm. I would much rather see Nicola Scott than Ed Benes on art duties, but I'll still take it.

Black Widow #2

Marvel is putting a lot of effort getting some Black Widow books out for potential new fans who loved her in Iron Man 2. Even though the script failed to ever mention her name. I was kind of expecting this series to be a thrown-together intro to the character, but it's actually been really good so far.

The Flash #2

I do not care about Brightest Day and I didn't like Flash: Rebirth, but I am really liking this new series. Francis Manapul's art certainly helps.

Say, can we talk about that preview of Green Arrow #1 that's running in a lot of DC comics this week? A rape scene! How fresh and original! And also: the ENTIRE preview is JUST a rape scene. If you are going to preview the first few pages of an issue...man, I don't even know what to say. Seriously. What the hell?

Henchmen Fashion File: Kobra v. Solaris

It's a special double-shot of henchmen antics, thanks to the fact that that wacky cult-leader Kobra had his own series way back in the day and spent issues 2 and 3 attacking another super-villain  - not exactly a rare situation, but not one that happens every day. 

The Villains: 

Kobra: Just to keep things simple, I'm only going to refer to Kobra as he appears in the seven issues of his series, and not the 30-plus years of history that followed.

 

As you can see, Kobra is kind of a dick. This probably comes of having been raised as the leader/messiah of an Indian snake cult, who stole him from the hospital at birth. Thanks to their fanatical devotion, he made a few pretty good runs at taking over the world, and his early enemies included his own brother Aaron, PI Johnny Double and the Demon's pal Randu Singh. He also called people "witling" a lot.

Solaris, AKA Clifton Lacey, was a NASA scientist who specialized in solar radiation and really enjoyed his job, to the extent that when he was fired he, well, became a super-villain. 

Looking at the technology that Lacey came up with as he sought revenge, I have to think that maybe NASA wasn't thinking so clearly when they fired the guy. If only they'd kept him happy, he might have tricked out the space shuttle for them, and I know that I would have been a little more interested in becoming an astronaut if there was the possibility of getting to fire a death ray. Sure, the guy acts a bit crazy, but that's just passion!

Oh no wait. He's completely crazy.

The context of the Kobra/Solaris scrap, by the way, is that Kobra wants to steal Solaris' Heliotron, seen above, cradled tenderly in his arms. As with many of Kobra's plans, the sole purpose of this is to help him kill his own brother, because Kobra is also crazy.

The Henchmen:

Hey look, it's both sets of henchmen in a single image:

Though outwardly they might look similar - groups of identically-dressed men with below-average self-esteem and a gift for following orders - but they actually represent two distinct types of henchman. Solaris' guys (let's call them the Sunnys) are basically the same goons that DC villains have always hired, only wearing form-fitting leotards instead of suits and ties. witness a typical interaction between a typical Sunny and his boss:

Note the fact that this is a normal human conversation - Solaris doesn't call the guy "witling" or "imbecile" even once. It's just a guy and his boss, fleeing their secret HQ in a super-sweet rocket.

By contrast, the Kobra Cultists are evil religious fanatics - they probably don't even get paid for what they do, which frequently involves their grisly deaths anyway. They die in enormous quantities, and often by Kobra's own hand, which suggests that they either have a fantastic recruitment campaign or that their ranks are composed of roughly the stupidest people on the planet. I mean, would you join an organization in which this was the penalty for failing to find a small bracelet on a ruined bridge?

Attractiveness of Costume:

This is actually kind of tough, since both groups are essentially just wearing a palette-swapped version of their boss' costume - in the case of the Sunnys, the first of their boss' two costumes, seen above. Neither of them have the most terrific colour scheme at that, though red and yellow is astonishingly better than green and orange.

It all comes down to flair, really, and the Sunnys have very little. They do have those awesome holsters with the button-down flap that I love so well, but that just can't compete with the visual appeal of seeing snake men in togas running around with swords.

ADVANTAGE: Kobra.

Utility of Costumes:

It's clear from a glance that the Sunnys' costumes offer little-to-no protection. Why, just look at what happens when Kobra hits some of them with one of his patented venom-blasts:

Of course, the same could be said for the Cultists' duds:

That Kobra. An equal-opportunity venom-blaster to the core.

In the absence of protective benefits, I'm going to have to judge this based on the gadgets that the rank-and-file of each organization are given to slaughter each other with. You've already seen the Cultists' flying sabres, but since those didn't actually kill anyone I'm going to discount them - a non-flying sabre is ultimately going to be more useful than a flying one that doesn't work. So what else do they have?

Well, both groups have flying skateboards and laser guns, so it's still tied up. No, wait...

Laser blowgun for the win!

ADVANTAGE: Solaris

Budget for Costumes:

I'm tempted to give this to Solaris, since he obviously takes his guys to the same tailor that he goes to, but even though that might technically cost more money I am more impressed with what I have to assume is Kobra's method of clothing his followers. Based on what I know and can guess about the guy, Kobra has to have a whole branch of his organization devoted solely to making uniforms out of real cobras.

ADVANTAGE: Kobra

Chance for a Bonus Point - Does the Villain have a Lieutenant With a Marginally Cooler Costume and Maybe a Name?

Not really, but they do both have robots:

Kobra's is named Servitor, and he found it in a meteor, but I just can't help liking Solaris' Robot Defender a bit better:

There's just something about the way that it looks like Solaris put it together out of spare parts on the weekend that endears it t me. It would totally win the bonus point,

 

... except that Kobra defeats it with a robot snake that flies out of his toga, and that is manifestly more cool.

BONUS POINT: Kobra

Sorry Solaris, but you lose. Better luck next time.

May I present the winner of the first-ever Henchman Fashion Files Fashion-off:

 

 Kobra, the man without irony!

More Cavemen, Less Funerals.

 Oh man, I don't want to come off all negative or anything, but this week's comics pile nearly defeated me. There just seemed to be an excess of unpleasantness in the May 12 releases, many of which were filled with sadly ironic ads for linewide themes like Brightest Day and The Heroic Age. I saved the best for the bottom of the pile, but I'll get to that in a bit. In the meantime...

Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis #1: Even though the previous Warren Ellis arc on Astonishing X-Men (with artist Phil Jimenez) still hasn't wrapped, Marvel has decided to relaunch this series as part of its new Astonishing line (along with last week's Spider-man/Wolverine, which was considerably more fun). Now teaming with Canadian artist Kaare Andrews, this new title sees the mutant supergroup investigating a volatile series of mutant births in Africa. Ellis hammers the reader with all the research he's done, dropping all kinds of helpful trivia about various African nations in place of, oh, I don't know, plot movement or action, and has Beast admonish Cyclops for referring to African towns; "Africa is a continent, not a country", Beast snarks at him. True, but it's not wrong to say "African towns", right? You can refer to European towns, and you wouldn't be wrong--it's a bit broad, but there are towns in Europe, are there not? None of this matters, though, since this comic is really all about how many shots of Emma Frost's enormous cans Kaare Andrews can fit onto every page:

What do you think of that, Boob Guy From Dazzler: The Movie?

Yup. Incidentally, the full script for issue one is included in the back, perhaps to prove that Ellis didn't insist on all of those crazy boob shots, or maybe just to help justify the $3.99 price tag. 

Titans: Villains For Hire Special #1: I don't wanna spoil anything for anybody, but this relaunch of the Titans brand (the name now belongs to a group of assassins brought together by Deathstroke to hunt heroes, I guess?), is essentially a drawn-out hunting and killing of a character that DC put a lot of support behind just a few short years ago, a character that was carrying on a superhero name while bringing some ethnic diversity to the DCU. Well, the previous owner of that superhero name is back in action, so clearly, the only thing left is to give the poor guy who kept it warm for him an exceedingly gory death scene. Great. Now we have to deal with the inevitable weepy funeral and ensuing hunt to bring the killers to justice. I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting pretty sick of those.

Justice League: Generation Lost #1: Speaking of things I'm getting sick of, how many damn times do I have to see the scene, repeated in this very issue, where Captain Atom absorbs a bunch of dangerous radiation and flies into space to explode? Well, at least once more, apparently. I like these characters, I like Aaron Lopresti's art, but this looks like it's also going down the "hunt for justice" route as well, as the old Giffen JL gang bands together to track down Maxwell Lord and get some satisfaction for Blue Beetle's murder. By the way, there's a preview in the back of a lot of the DC books this week for the new Green Arrow series (what is this, his third relaunch this decade now?), that is a repeat of that tired old standby--the sexy young lady being pursued by a bunch of would-be rapists/murderers, stopped in the nick of time by the gritty vigilante. One of the rapists says something gross like "don't wear yourself out, you've still got a lot of work to do tonight!'. The Dark Knight Returns was almost 25 years ago now, and people are still ripping off that "chicken legs" scene! 

Siege #4: Here's what I learned from this delayed series finale (whose plot points were somewhat spoiled by some of the more timely tie-ins): when you're Loki and you're being killed/crushed/eaten or something by the Sentry or Void or whatever, the noise you make is "HHAASRRGH!". Also, when you're Norman Osborn and you've just bonked Captain America on the head and you're running away like a spaz, the noise you make is "NIH Nguh!". And finally, when you're the Sentry and you're supposed to be totally unstoppable and indestructible and powered by a million exploding suns, all it takes is Thor hitting you with his hammer to completely destroy you and turn you into a crispy skeleton. Too little plot spread over too many tie-ins was the big problem here. How many plot points actually mattered here? Maybe five or six, across like 35 tie-ins? Nice art, though.

Amazing Spider-Man #631: Something potentially awful and distressing, especially for longtime Spidey fans, may have happened at the end of this issue. Something that potentially ruins two (maybe even three) of Webhead's supporting cast pretty much forever. Something that, if it DID happen, will make me really, really mad. However, this is one of those Chris Bachalo issues where the art is extremely weird and confusing, so I'm not actually sure if it happened or not. We'll see, but it's not looking good.

Batman: The Return Of Bruce Wayne #1: Okay, so it seemed like most of the comics I read this week were filled with rape, murder, destruction, and giant squashy boobs, but thankfully I saved this one for last. It teams up two of my favourite creators--Grant Morrison and Chris Sprouse--to tell the story of what exactly happened to Bruce Wayne after he was banished to the dawn of time by Darkseid's Omega Effect in Final Crisis. It features a timelost Bruce fashioning a Batman suit out of the hide of a giant prehistoric bat, finding himself a stone-age Robin, and facing down an earlier incarnation of immortal villain Vandal Savage. And man, was it ever just what the doctor ordered. This thing worked on multiple levels; as a satisfying continuation of Morrison's epic take on the Batman series, as a sequel to Final Crisis, and the latest in the kind of story where Batman just plain takes charge and kicks all the right asses in whatever era or setting he finds himself in, no matter how the odds are stacked against him. I'll have to re-read Final Crisis to learn exactly where that crazy rocket with all the DCU artifacts fits in, and I do kind of wish that this story was taking place in the pages of the monthly Batman title, but these are pretty minor complaints. This comic was ridiculous and awesome and I can't wait for the next one. Comics need to be more crazy and fun like this and less about a bunch of heroes crying at a funeral before going off to avenge Sue Dibny/Ted Kord/J'onn J'onzz/whoever.

This Movie Gets Two Thumbs Down!

How do I let myself get talked into these things? One of my regular customers at Strange Adventures, Michael Coll, recently bought a bunch of Marvel graphic novels off eBay—you know, the ones from the Eighties that featured original stories in a cool oversized squarebound format? These upscale editions were usually reserved for important stories (The Death of Captain Marvel, The New Mutants) or high profile creative teams (Miller and Sienkiewicz on Daredevil: Love and War, Starlin and Wrightson on Hulk/Thing: The Big Change). Every once in a while, though, a particular project made it into this format that really didn’t warrant the treatment. I’m talking about stuff like Super Boxers, The Aladdin Effect, and the book I’m here to discuss today—Dazzler: The Movie. Y’see, Mike was buying a bunch of good stuff, and this book was offered to be thrown in for a mere dollar, so he went for it. Afterwards, he decided that it was the worst Marvel comic he had ever read, and apparently wanted to share the pain. He brought it in to the store and told me I should review it. Unflinchingly, I agreed, although deep down I think I already knew I would regret it.

 For those of you who don’t know, Dazzler was a character who debuted in the Uncanny X-Men during the Dark Phoenix Saga, a mutant with the power to transmute sound into light. A high-profile Disco-themed nightclub sensation, Dazzler (whose real name was Alison Blaire) was not publicly known to be a mutant, even though she was pals with the X-Men. The character was basically created by committee at Marvel to take advantage of the popularity of Disco; unfortunately, by the time the character finally appeared, Disco was pretty much dead. That didn’t stop Marvel from giving the character her own ongoing series, one that perennially struggled in the sales department (as well as the fans giving a shit department). Near the end of the series’ run, Marvel decided to release Dazzler: The Movie as their twelfth original graphic novel, telling the story of Alison Blaire being outed as a mutant. The book was written by then-Editor-in-Chief Jim Shooter, which explains why such a lousy book actually made it to publication, with dull, workmanlike art by Frank Springer and Vince Colletta (my least favourite inker of all time, by the way).

 

The highlight, really the only interesting thing about this book, is Bill Sienkiewicz’s eye-catching cover. He was truly at the top of his game at this point, even though he clearly hadn’t read the book—I have no idea who the other characters on this cover are, ‘cause they sure don’t appear inside.

 The story begins with Alison Blaire working at a Hollywood gym, where she catches the eye of a rich creep named Eric Beale. He tries to proposition Ali, who doesn’t go for it. Beale gets around this little speedbump by buying the gym, insisting that Ali now has to date him (at the very least). Alison quits, opting instead to go out for juice with a smitten youngster named Freddy. After much whining about his single status, Alison tries to give the guy a pep talk…

 

Oh, come on, Freddy. You’re not a nerd. You don’t even have a pocket protector! You’re clearly a dweeb, or at the very least, a spaz. Anyway, Alison boosts his confidence with some well-chosen compliments and a friendly yet passionate smooch.

 

That, in case you're wondering, is the sound of Freddy’s boner. We now switch scenes to the home of a Sinatraesque crooner named Roman Nekoboh (read backwards: Hoboken Namor?), who I guess must have been a supporting character in the Dazzler series. He’s plotting to win Alison over while getting ready for his day—I’ll spare you the montage of him getting dressed. It’s pretty damn disgusting. He surprises Alison at her apartment with a friendly home invasion:

 

Roman quickly puts the smooth on Alison, but it doesn’t go so well.

 

What’s her problem, anyway? Who wouldn’t want to come home to a guy dressed like the millionaire from Gilligan’s Island who proceeds to destroy half her stuff while trying to rape her? Alison throws him out, but the next day Roman accosts her from his car. Alison rebuffs him once again, but this time, Roman isn’t taking no for an answer.

 

Thanks for the traffic tip, Ali. This has been a very special issue of Spidey Super Stories.

 Our heroine blows out the wheels of Roman’s car with her laser light powers, causing him to exit the vehicle and chase her down a crowded street. When this tactic fails, he fakes a heart attack, which finally gets her to go out to dinner with him (Freddy really should have been around to take notes—clearly, this is the way to win Alison’s affections). Over dinner, Roman convinces Ali to let him help with her career, promising to make her a movie star. She agrees, and is taken under Roman’s wing. Soon, she’s moved in with him, and the two are making all the tabloids. Eventually…

 

Admittedly, that does look like a pretty fun party. They’ve got noisemakers and everything! In the middle of the day, even! Unfortunately, the financial backing for the movie project comes from Eric Beale, which makes Alison understandably nervous…

 

You mean, Beale wants to use his wealth and influence to get you into bed? What kind of self-respecting woman would allow a creepy older gadabout to…oh. Never mind. As the project moves forward, Alison gets more bitchy and self-involved, as evidenced by her perpetual drinking and smoking. Catching herself in the mirror, she becomes disgusted with what she’s become, and strips off all her clothes in a stupidly symbolic gesture (the mirror thing is a recurring motif in the book—every once in a while, she talks to her own reflection like a mental patient). Then, this happens!

 

Whoa, sidebum! See, here’s the largest of the book’s many, many problems: a lot of the time, it’s a simplistic morality tale that appears to have been written for eight-year olds (see Alison’s earlier observation about U-turns), but then there’s implied sex, substance abuse, and nudity! It turns out Roman is busting in on Alison’s naked ruminations to tell her that he has publicly outed her as a mutant, hoping to stir up publicity for her upcoming movie. Alison is outraged, but agrees to demonstrate her powers for the hardworking, dedicated, noble, truth-seeking media:

 

Uh, right. Which one are you, Woodward or Bernstein? Anyway, Alison’s powers frighten the assembled media like she was a sexy King Kong, causing a near riot.

 

Well, to be fair, Ali, you are kind of dressed like a Dracula. The movie finally goes into production, with extra pressure now on Alison. She feels that she is now being forced to represent all mutantkind, and she wants the film to reflect the idea that mutant powers can be used for the betterment of humanity. Perhaps a nuanced fable about race relations, warning against the dangers of discrimination?

 

Or not. Incidentally, Alison, you're not the director, so you don't get to call "Action", dummy. The whole thing goes pear-shaped when the tide of public sentiment turns against Alison and Roman, probably when some early footage of this turd got leaked would be my guess. Alison eventually learns that her contract will turn all control of her future career over to Eric Beale, so she destroys it and the one existing copy of her finished movie, thank goodness. Her life and career once again in her hands, Alison says goodbye to Roman and faces the future with a smile. Sheesh.

 I can’t imagine what it must have been like to spend $6.95 (or $7.95 Canadian) on this book back in 1984. That would have been the equivalent of around twenty-five bucks in 2010 money! I don’t know if I can say that this was the worst Marvel comic I’ve ever read, but it’s pretty damn lousy. Although it did raise the question of whether or not we can all put aside our petty biological differences and live together on this planet in peace and harmony.

 

I’ll take that as a yes.