John Buys Comics and Things Go Squirrelly

Yes I bought comics; so many comics did I buy. Events, however have conspired to ensure that I've read almost none of them. As such, I have only two small observations this week:

1. Surefire way to make Johnathan sad: fill the newest copy of I, Zombie with printing errors. Specifically, one third to one half of the book was just the same two or three scenes repeating over and over, and not in the "this is an arty comic" kind of way. I guess it's a measure of how much I love the book that I was so devastated by this, but all that really means is that my enemies now have a new way to strike at me. !!! Maybe they already have!

2. Not that those Return of Bruce Wayne one-shots where he visits all of the extended Batman family and spies on them for a while have been excruciatingly awful, but Batman and Robin number 16 shows them all up by being one of those comics in which Grant Morrison writes something perfectly, in this case the reintroduction of Batman to the DC Universe (Mild Spoilers Ahoy). Batman appears at the climax of the Dick/Damian/Dr. Hurt battle (dramatic reappearance), utterly destroys the Doctor in a head-on confrontation (demonstration of essential Batmanishness) and gives his partners some credit/a great-big grin (proof that his attitude toward his peers has shifted away from insufferable and humourless). Zip, bing, bong, no White Casebook malarky required. Oh, plus he punches the Joker, which I'm sure he missed on his long voyage through time.

And that's it, pretty much. Good night, all.

Minor Villain Showcase: The Ancient Mariner

Straight from Batman No. 142, it's the Ancient Mariner!

 

Yes, the Ancient Mariner, the villain who dare to take on the Batman himself armed only with age and an albatross! Presenting the summary of his career:

High Point of Career:

Unquestionably, the Ancient Mariner's greatest triumph was defeating the Dynamic Duo using only a simple albatross and his gnarled, arthritic fists. Especially impressive is the fact that Batman and Robin had just taken down five or six much younger men, though none of those were equipped with enormous seabirds.

Mode of Defeat:

Betrayal and fisticuffs. It just goes to show that you should never trust an albatross. Just like my grandmother always told me, really.

Low Point of Career:

Unquestionably, the revelation that the crimes were not actually being committed by the Ancient Mariner (aka Captain Stubbs) at all, but by his landlord Mr. Travis, who took the following circumstances:

a) Knew a crazy old man with a grudge against a shipping company.

b) Had befriended said crazy old man's pet albatross.

As a sign that he should steal the man's identity and become a nautical-poem-themed sea pirate. In Gotham City. Armed only with an albatross and a harpoon.

Honestly, the guy is going to have such a hard time living this one down that I don't think that he even needs to be sent to prison - he will never be able to lift his head again.

Carry on, Captain Stubbs. Carry on.

Halloween Wrap-up

 So... you may have noticed that after two weeks of talking about frightening things I didn't actually have anyhting to say on Halloween itself. Turns out that I completely flubbed the scheduling and ran out of things to write about. I mean, I could have gone into things like how I didn't like trees that looked like they had scales or my certainty that there were nameless horrors lurking in any sufficiently deep body of water, but without the visuals I just don't know if they would be that interesting to talk about. Let's just say that I was too addled by fear to realize that I should have saved the Monkey King.

To make up for it, here's the most terrifying image that I could locate at short notice:

ALL FEAR THE VAMPIRE ELEPHANT!

The Unfunnies: Laughing Arena

Gah. I must not be reading the right comics, because I have only one Unfunny on-file that could be considered Halloween-related:

From The Brave and the Bold No. 2, back when the book was an anthology about Robin Hood and the Viking Prince and the Glowing Gladiator and so forth, and the dumb cartoons reflected that, which meant humourous comics about horrific bloodsports. Hurrah!

Things That Frightened Me as a Child, Part 9

This one ties in to two others! Madness!

First up, it's an EC comic, so assume that I was freaked-out at a low level from cover to cover. I'm pretty sure that this one had a story about people being forced to swallow starving rats, for example - terrific stuff for Grade Five Johnathan.

Secondly, this is a tale about a man who has cancer, and much like the poor kid from the Swamp Thing entry I knew just enough about cancer to be totally freaked out by it. Although if Young Me had had access to the future ladyfriend's pathology textbooks he may never have left the house again. Last night I both learned about a human organ that I'd never heard of before and saw a picture of one riddled with tumors! Huzzah!

This is the tale of a man named Pete, who has either the most or least confidence-inspiring country doctor I have ever seen. On the one hand, his down-home ways and easy explainations of such things as malignant and benign tumours probably make for a pretty good bedside manner, but the way he shouts out SPINAL TAP! BLOOD SAMPLE! in the second panel seems kind of like he's trying too hard, like maybe this is the first case of cancer he's seen in twenty years and he's desperately trying to remember the next thing to do.

I would say something about the doc completely overlooking the possibility of chemo or radiation therapies, but honestly I have no idea when they were introduced. I would like to point out, though, that the tumour is on Pete's forearm, and I don't hear word one about amputating the limb to save the Pete. Why is that? Do arm tumours metastasize especially quickly?

So Pete, bereft of any medical advice better than "go get ready to die," hunts up the local witch and makes what I would generously call a very stupid request: he wanted her to make it so that he would never die. The witch reluctantly does what he asks, under the caveat that he never, ever come back to see her again. Especially when he eventually worked out that he just should have gotten her to cure his cancer.

Folks, I want you to remember for me: if a witch or a genie or something offers you the gift of immortality, remember to ask whether you get to stay young and healthy the whole time. Pete didn't remember, and look at him now. He looks like a hamburger monster.

And of course things keep getting worse and worse as Pete is consumed by his disease. Which brings us around to the setting in which the doc is telling his tale: outside a cave that he and the local menfolk have tracked some sort of horrible monster to.

And that monster is Pete himself, now transformed into a horrific blob of all-consuming flesh. Which is gross on the face of it, but the really disturbing thing about this story, both in the early Nineties and now, is the fact that this is a monsterous extension of something that happens to people all the time. It doesn't bear dwelling on, really. Oh, plus they couldn't actually kill the thing. They just sealed it away in the cave, there to slither around in the darkness forevermore. So gross.

Uh, sorry if this one is depressing you like it is me. I'll try to find something lighter-hearted for the Halloween post proper.

Oh! On a slightly lighter note, here is the cover:

File that sucker in the drawer marked "Way to give away the end of the story on the cover, guys. Geez."