Superman + Robin + Elongated Man = Huh?

DC Comics Presents #58 (Mike W. Barr and Curt Swann). Superman teams up with Robin and the Elongated Man. Should be the best comic ever, right? Well...as surprising as this may sound, it's actually kinda weird and confusing.

I can't possibly explain the villains they are fighting in this story. Some sorta weird film memorabilia collectors who use technology to make suits that make it impossible for anyone to touch them. That's the best I can do. The important thing is that everyone piles onto Superman's back and heads West. And that it looks hilarious:

California, here we come!

Superman is a jackass several times in this story. Here's one example. An unnecessary aerial loop:

Very considerate, Supes.

In the final showdown against the puzzling villains, Superman gets zapped with some kinda gun that sort of damages his eyesight:

Ok, so his vision is a little wonky. What does he do? He hightails it outta there!

Jackass! "You and Elongated Man are on your own!" Superman only operates at 100%. The slightest disability and he makes like a banana.

Superman needs to be introduced to a little someone named Daredevil.

So Superman flies to the Sun (in about 40 seconds...which I just don't think is realistic. I mean, sure. A solar-powered super alien might be fighting a group of untouchable techno thieves alongside a teenage boy and a man who gets stretchy when he drinks concentrated fruit juice, but instant trips to the Sun? I'm sorry...I just don't buy it).

Um...for ordinary humans going to the sun would cause death. I think we're way past the effects of staring at the sun, here.

Yup, well, Superman is right. It works like eye-drops. Then he returns (way too quickly) to Hollywood to finish the fight against the confusing villains. I'll give Robin and Elongated Man credit. They pretty much had this thing wrapped up on their own. There was just one small detail left for Superman to take care of: the bad guy was still conscious.

Ha! "No! Don't touch my belt buckle!"

I like how Elongated Man calls Robin "Robbie." And I like that he is telling NO ONE that his nose stopped twitching. If there were one more panel after this, I think it would be Superman turning around and saying "Your nose? What? Oh. Right. Twitches when it smells a mystery. Whatever."

You Can Do It, Put Your Ass Into It

There is a right way and a wrong way to fight crime.

This is ALWAYS the WRONG WAY:

Dirty pool, Elongated Man. Dirty, disgusting pool.

World's Grossest Detective

I have a hard time reading Elongated Man comics because every couple of panels or so I see something that makes me want to throw up.

Also, Elongated Man, just because you can stretch, doesn't mean that's always the right solution.

Here he is hiding out underwater and spying on a nearby boat. He STRETCHES his EYES above the water and kind of INFLATES THEM and oh god I'm going to be sick...

Grossssss! The pupils protruding a little! And, seriously, that is a lot more noticeable to the dude you're spying on than just, say, sticking your head above the water. And I guess his eyes are invulnerable to salt water. Ow.

He loves this trick. Here it is again:

But how can he breathe underwater? By stretching his nose above the waves, of course. Disgusting!

Then he lends an ear:

Ok. They are TOTALLY going to see that ear. And throw up.

He's also gross on land. Check this move out:

Noose Nose! No! He just lassoed that guy with his NOSE and then reeled him in by tugging on his NOSE. Then in that last panel you can see his nose slithering limply on the ground. Oh, why did I eat turkey bacon this morning? The GLOOOP sound coming out of the crook doesn't help.

I have to wrap this up because I am positively green now, but I'll leave you with this puzzling elongated forehead move:

That guy who is crumpled on the ground behind the stretchy sleuth is an embodiment of how I feel right now. Owooo. And yeah, Elongated Man is sneezing as he does this. So I guess that guy is just lucky that he's not lassoing him with his nose. Because Elongated Man would do that. Because he is disgusting.

R.I.P. - Legends of the Dark Knight

I feel like something should be said about the final issue of Legends of the Dark Knight hitting stores today. I celebrated this monumental occasion by forgetting to buy it, as usual.

LotDK was always hit-or-miss. When it was good, it was very good (Matt Wagner's Faces, Grant Morrison's Gothic, the recent Bruce Jones run). Usually it was just weird, but it was at least imaginative and reasonably fun to read. And if nothing else, it was extra Batman reading, which I certainly don't have a problem with. The series, which was supposed to be stories from Batman's early years but often strayed from that theme, is being replaced by the currently horrid Batman Confidential. As far as I'm concerned it's been replaced by Matt Wagner's awesome Monster Men/Mad Monk series. I hope they continue forever. That's some fun early years adventure reading.

I was going to post a bunch of my favourite LotDK moments, but I keep thinking about last month's issue (#213) and how I really wanted to post something about it as soon as I read it.

Did y'all read this thing? It's bizarre. Basically it involves Batman having to track down a criminal who is a total foaming-at-the-mouth superhero nerd/collector. I'm always amused when a comic book makes a villain out of its readers. Not that I am as nerdy as this guy. No way.

Batman has to follow this guy, who has stolen one of Batman's cape and cowl combos from a black market dealer, to Japan. This dude is into cosplay, which, according to Batman, is "Costume play. Dressup as a hobby or kink." (Did I ever want Batman to explain cosplay to me? No I did not).

Here's what I don't like: when a writer forces their own interests on an established character, no matter how ridiculous. I would even call that lazy when we're talking about fanfiction, nevermind an actual canon comicbook. It's like if I got to write a Batman comic and I had him lead the Montreal Canadiens to the Stanley Cup. Fun for me, confusing for everyone else.

So Bruce Wayne goes to Tokyo to hunt this geek down, and in the process we get to learn all about manga and cosplay subculture. Because Bruce knows all about it.

Gross.

To me, the best part of the book is that Bruce has to go undercover at a cosplay party, and chooses to dress as Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner specifically, it looks like). But look at the geekiness he has to put up with (remember, Bruce is the guy in the Lantern costume):

*shudder* I know Batman doesn't get scared very often, but I would not blame him for being effing terrified.

Anyway, the whole thing is just weird. And it ends with this conversation between Alfred and Bruce which is kinda funny, but also really wrong.

Now let's look at a good issue of LotDK, just to wash the taste of manga out of our mouths.

#125 was a No Man's Land tie-in written by Greg Rucka. So we're already off to a good start.

I really like this comic a lot. The entire thing is an awkward conversation between Batman and James Gordon in Gordon's backyard. They are trying to restore their friendship after a tough year, but they have some trust issues to work out first. Maybe it's just satisfying to see these two have a conversation that lasts so long. Especially one that is so fun to read. I especially love that pages of silence between them before Batman breaks the ice with a gardening compliment.

Gordon gets in some good digs during the argument.

Awesome! You tell him, Jim! And what does Batman have to say for himself?

Awww. Who needs a hug?

Batman is so moved by his friend's anger that he decides to show him the ultimate gesture of respect and trust by removing his mask. Only Gordon isn't interested.

I love it! This whole argument was just so manly and a great representation of their relationship.

So there it is. Legends of the Dark Knight: awesome conversations between Batman and Jim Gordon, or Batman dressing up like Green Lantern at a Japanese sex party. Something for everyone!

I'd love to hear some of your favourite or least-favourite Legends issues.

The Secret of 52 Is That The Multiverse Still Exists

Just when I was finally confident in my knowledge and understanding of the current DC universe, they decide they gotta go and multiply it by 52. I can just see all of the DC big shots sitting around the table.

"What about fifteen universes?"
"Fifteen, Dan!"
"Not fifteen? Then what about...fifty-two?!"

(I'm sorry, but you have to be Canadian to get that reference).

After cracking Dan Didio's cryptic message (and awesome, by the way, putting a coded message in a comic that I actually had to break out a pen and notepad for. Old timey fun!), I decided it was time to re-read Crisis on Infinite Earths. I have two things to say about this book:

1. The artwork is totally awesome, and
2. I am really glad that all of the characters were just as confused as I was.

And also, I love this cover:

Because I love this:

Everyone in that panel is wearing an expression of sheer terror except Batman. He's all "Did I remember to rewind Teen Wolf before returning it?"

I just want to announce that I'm ready for the multiverse. Bring it on, I say! Just 52? How about 5,200?! What are you, scared, DC? I think the world is ready for no less than 75,000 new characters. And at least one Earth where Superman, Batman, Predator and Alien all just get along.

The Prop Comedy Stylings of Superman!

My blog has been so negative lately, mostly due to the shitty month I'm having. So today I decided to turn to the one thing that will always cheer me up: Silver Age Superman.

Appropriately enough, there is a story in Superman #136 called "The Super-Clown of Metropolis" which has the Man of Steel trying to cheer a sad old guy up. Though he fails at this task, he certainly helped me crack a smile.

Our story begins at the Daily Planet. Clark does some terrible lying and then, seemingly unaware that he doesn't actually get paid for his super-deeds, excitedly decides that business is picking up.

You already were, Superman. Or have you forgotten your old pal Bruce Wayne?

"Sad Sam" is a dying billionaire who has one wish: to laugh. Because he never has. He has a depressing and insane proposition for Superman:

Woah. That is messed up. Sad Sam does not deserve to laugh. He deserves to die.

The insanity of Sad Sam's ultimatum doesn't faze our hero. Instead, he goes to the Fortress of Solitude to gather up a box of comedy props. You really won't believe what he puts in that box. Then he returns to the old guy's house and busts out his A-material. He opens with a hilarious television joke:

Oh groan, Superman. That is terrible. Since this joke doesn't work, Supes pulls out the big guns: a midget.

So awful. Even worse is the fact that Superman transported this midget from the Fortress in that crate of props. So he keeps a midget in the Arctic, where he practices comedy routines with him. (I know we could believe that the midget is a robot...but for comedy's sake, let's not).

Ok, so a midget won't make Sam laugh (so Sam does have a shred of decency...unlike some Supermen). But what about...a midget and a giant pie?!

Sam's right, Superman. It isn't funny.

After this, Superman just gets desperate:

Is Sam made of STONE?! That is HYSTERICAL! Also, this:

But the punchline...not so much:

That quote from Sam in the second panel is fantastic. I want that on a t-shirt. Also, I love that Superman, as usual, is thinking about what he's doing as he's doing it "It's my own flying power, rather than the bubble, that's making me rise!" No shit, Superman. But that is a pretty impressive bubble.

Things get even weirder, if you can believe it. Nothing leaves 'em rolling in the aisles like an "I'm dying!" gag.

So...did he also have that small child in the prop crate? I hope so. That kid really steals the show. Excellent line delivery.

Then things get really confusing:

HAMBONE! Oh, Superman. Please marry me. We will live in your Arctic fortress together, building robots and naming them. We'll have one for everything!

So with this comic we have solid proof that Superman is:

a) Not funny, and
b) Insane

I know you're dying to learn what happens at the end of the story. Well, Superman, surprisingly enough, fails to make Sad Sam laugh. So no money for the orphans. Then he returns as Clark Kent (far too quickly) to write an article about Superman's failure. Sam catches Clark changing into Superman and believes it to be a joke. A HILARIOUS joke:

Yup, that's a good one, alright. So good that Sam donates his money to the orphanage after all and...

And I can't stop laughing every time I think of Superman saying "Lookee me! I'm a boid!" with his tongue sticking out. Thank-you, Superman. Now they call me "Happy Rachelle." My spirits are raised, my health has improved and I'm working on my second blog post. What a mad finish to my zany month.