Homeless For the Holidays

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Time for a Christmas story. A heartwarming one from 1989 by Roger Stern and Dan Jurgens.


Ok, so Superman is walking about town, waxing romantic about Christmas and how magical it is. Then he hears trouble:And by trouble, I mean a cuss word. I love that. "What?! A swear?! At Christmastime?!"

Because he has nothing better to do, Superman springs into action:

So even Superman admits that this isn't an emergency. It's profanity coming from a construction site. If Superman jumped every time he heard that, he would never have time to do anything else.

I will admit that the scene that follows is very cute and touching. And shows that construction guys sometimes like to spell out words rather than just say them.

Aw, that's a very cute tradition. I love these construction guys. Then they invite Superman to stay for coffee and sandwiches, and then sing to him as he flies away! Angels, every one of them. God bless you, Metropolis construction workers!

I posted the rest of that page so you could follow the story. It's his last day at the Planet because he's accepted an editor job at Newstime. I also think those floating heads of his coworkers are hilarious.

Moving on, the following page has one of the best Superman-changing-into-Clark panels I've ever seen:

Ok, the real reason why I am posting this comic is because it really hits close to home for me this year. Why, just last week I finished my job at a newspaper. I cleaned out my desk just before the Christmas break. Sure, I'm not accepting a fancy editor job somewhere else so much as I am taking more time to play video games and blog, but I can really relate to Clark here. Except maybe my co-workers weren't quite so cold to me.

Actually, as it turns out, the Planet staff is faking it. They love Clark still.

Clark, however, still isn't comfortable with kissing hot women.

Awww, surprise party. That's nice.

Anyway, there is a reason why this comic is called Homeless for the Holidays. It turns out that Planet employee Alice is secretly homeless...for the holidays.

What the shit, Perry? Pay your employees more! There is no way someone working full-time at a world class newspaper should have to live in a store closet.

In response, Perry writes a very long and heart-warming editorial piece on homeless people and what good citizens can do to help. I'm not going to repeat it here. It's goes on for over four pages. I'll give you a taste:

It's about time we reminded ourselves that the shabbily-dressed stranger shuffling by is another human being. Maybe he's not a "worthless bum"...maybe he's just had a run of bad luck. But we'll never know unless we make an effort to find out.

Uhh...ok. And if we find out that they are, indeed, a "worthless bum," then what? And at what point do we know that for sure?

Alice ends up spending Christmas with the White family. And Perry tells her he's going to convince management to start paying her decently. Which...is good. Seems like that should have been happening in the first place, but anyway.

Meanwhile, at the Kent Farm...it's heavy handed platitudes for everyone!

And creepy, Joker-faced Superman slamming back the nog.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Or, if you celebrate another holiday, enjoy that too. I'm unemployed now so this blog will be much less neglected in '07. That's my resolution.

Confidential

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After two issues of Superman Confidential, I can safely say that it is totally awesome. I knew there was no chance that a Darwyn Cooke/Tim Sale team-up would suck. My stance on re-visiting the early years of super heroes is that they are good for both new readers and hardcore fans. Especially at a time where DC's biggest heroes are returning to the screen, it's good to welcome potential fans who may feel intimidated by comic books. Because, let's face it, getting into comics is daunting. Superman: Birthright was a smart thing for DC to release at a time where Smallville, a fantastic marketing tool for reaching a new generation of potential comic book readers (in particular, female comic book readers), was one of the most popular teen shows on television. And the Confidential series are smart things to start up after the popularity of Batman Begins and Superman Returns.

So anyway. Superman Confidential is great. Cooke's retro story telling compliments Sale's retro artwork nicely. Superman is just plain adorable in this series. I think the below page illustrates that better than any (just after Superman finishes a potentially life-threatening battle with a volcano that leaves him a little shaken):

Awwwww. Man, that's the cutest Superman I've ever seen.

Moving on. Batman Confidential is looking pretty terrible so far. It's supposed to replace Legends of the Dark Knight, which is kind of too bad because that series was a lot of fun. A real mouthful, but a lot of fun.

And why is it that we can't get a decent Batman series off the ground? All-Star Superman totally rules. All-Star Batman and Robin...well. You know. Kind of the worst thing in comic book history. And I am counting that comic where Superman teamed up with the Quik Bunny.

Let's have a look at Batman Confidential:

Aaaaaaahhhhh!!! That's not Bruce Wayne! THAT'S NOT BRUCE WAYNE!!! That's Steve Buscemi. If he were kept in a jar of vinegar for seven months. Jesus lord...

Now I have to look at some panels from Dave Gibbons' Worlds Finest book to get that image out of my mind.
Ahhh. Now there's some cute Batman. Look at the way he kneels on that chair! And the way he buckles his belt! Adorable!

In Batman: Confidential Bruce is also shown handling the gun that killed his parents. He explains to Alfred (and to me, since I wondered about it while reading stupid, stupid Batman: Year Two) that he got if from the police after they were done using as evidence. Right.

The other thing that separates the Superman and Batman Confidentials, besides good writing and good art, is that the Superman story is about something interesting. It's going to be Superman's first encounter with Kryptonite. I like it. Batman's story is...wait for it...how he got all his gadgets. My guess: WayneTech. I mean, really, however did a billionaire scientist end up with all those cool toys? I can't imagine.

I also like that Superman is set in what looks something like the past. Whereas Batman seems to be set in the future. And that's just confusing. If one of the goals of these series is to attract new readers, and I think it should be, then maybe you should make the story make as much sense as possible. And maybe make it not suck.

Batman on Film: Ranked

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Because it was brought up the other night while watching the Richard Donner cut of Superman II (totally watch this...it's worth it), here are how I would rank the Batman movies from best to worst.

1. Batman Begins
2. Batman Returns
3. Batman: The Movie (1966)
4. Mask of the Phantasm
5. Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt
6. Batman (1989)
7. The Batman/Superman Movie
8. Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker

9. Batman Forever
10. Batman and Robin

Notice the long break before those last two. No accident. Although, I might actually prefer Batman and Robin to Forever because it is one of the most hilarious things you can watch.

And, yeah. I think Batman Begins is the best Batman movie. Which one is better...really? We'd all love to stay stuck in the 90s and preach the virtues of Tim Burton to today's troubled youth, but...seriously. I can barely watch the first Batman movie because of Kim Basinger's CONSTANT SCREAMING. And I love that movie, I really do. But it's flawed. Very flawed. I greatly prefer Returns, but even that isn't so much a great Batman movie. It's just great for what it is.

Hopefully this will spark some debate. Because I know you nerds out there love to go on about what the best superhero movies are.

In the meantime...POW!

Can we talk about something else?

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You can say a lot of things about Dr Light, but you can't say he doesn't love to say the word 'rape.'
Dr Light was a joke, then he was a scary rapist, then he was a lobotomized joke, and now he's a scary guy again...who loves to talk about rape.

He even gets all metaphorical talking about rape. You can start a conversation with him, and he will find a way to bring it back to rape.

Did somebody say 'rape?' You'd better believe he likes rape!

Gee whiz, dude! Why don't you just change your name to Dr Rape and get it over with! You'd think you didn't have any totally awesome super powers!

Although I will admit, this little dig is funny. I'd say it's worth having him clumsily insert a rape reference into a conversation to get this insult out:

Ha! Green Arrow gets hot for arrows! Just like Dr Light gets hot for rape!

Excuse me, do you have the time?

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You know what I like about the Clock King?


He clearly made his costume himself.

It looks like what you end up with when you're trying to throw a Halloween costume together at the last minute. Let's see...I've got some blue pyjamas...I could paint some clocks on those. And I have this green hooded cape. That doesn't really match, and I don't really need it for anything...but it might look kinda cool. I suppose if I wear these green underwear over the pjs that would sort of match the cape. It would bring it all together. I'll need some sort of mask...preferably something that almost completely obscures my vision. I'll just poke some eye holes in this clock face, I guess. And secure it to my head with this rubber band. Now just add the white rubber boots and long blue gloves...voila! Alright, it's not as cool as my original design...the one where I had actual working clock gears rotating on my chest...but I'm on a budget here.

Lookin' good, Clock King! Though I'm kind of surprised that he doesn't seem to be wearing a watch.

Oh, and he also looks like Charles Bronson with his mask off: