Well! Not only do I get quoted in the New York Post today, but I get described as an "irate Canadian lass." Honestly, have any three more beautiful words ever been strung together?
Superstar artist Mike Holmes drew this little picture of me as an irate Canadian lass. Because he rules.
Also...DC should hire him and have him draw Teen Titans. For real.
And I'm going to make buttons that say "Irate Canadian Lass."
There's been a lot of talk about sexism in comics this week. Let's take an ironic break from that and rate another superhunk.
This week's challenger:
Another day in the office.
It takes a real man to fight robots while wearing nothing but a very short shift dress and white go-go boots. I consider Magnus to be the great equalizer when it comes to comic book cheesecakery. There are so many ridiculous, impractical female superhero costumes out there, and yet this guy might have one of the silliest. And most blatantly sexual.
It is head.
It's a very short skirt. And this comic offers consistent upskirt shots, something that is seldom seen in a male superhero comic. The truth is, Magnus should look ridiculous, but he doesn't. He's got a fantastic body, and he shows it off. Plus, he's got really nice features. Great hair, steely blue eyes, powerful eyebrows. He's an attractive guy.
Smoldering.
Plus, I really like that belt with the big "M" on it.
Oh, and sometimes his costume gets ripped so it's even skimpier.
He is a few threads away from his most embarassing moment
Doesn't really have one. He's actually a pretty famous dude in the year 4000. A hero of the people. This is usually the section where I talk about a hero's personality, though, so I'll do that.
This is possibly a dance routine and not a fight.
Despite appearances, Magnus is a pretty macho guy. I mean, he spends most of his time fighting robots. And sexing his lady-friend, Leeja.
Leeja is trying not to look.
He seems like a nice guy, but can be kind of whiny. He's always saying he doesn't want to do one thing or another. He's conflicted about fighting robots sometimes, and he can be a little emo about his robot up-bringing. But generally, he's all man.
Magnus doesn't ask twice.
"I just BOUGHT this tunic!"
He fights robots.
So he DOES wear underwear.
That robot was a jerk. Trust me.
Magnus has superhuman strength which allows him to destroy robots with his bare hands. That's pretty much it, but that ain't bad.
She's holding onto his ass for dear life.
After issue #25 of the Valiant series, Magnus started wearing lame-looking armor when he fought robots. Booooo. I'm taking off a couple points for that decision.
From the exciting "Jetpack to Grandma!" issue!
I heart Magnus. His comics are like the Harlequin romance novels of comics. He puts on a little dress, fights some robots, flexes his muscles, maybe takes his top off, maybe makes out with someone, and you're done. Very easy to follow, and very easy on the eyes.
Things that make you say "nnnngg."
Showcase Presents has lately been presenting some pretty awesome stuff, in the form of 500+ page reprints featuring comics of the 60s and 70s and I've been doing my part by buying a whole lot of them. It's time, I think, to pony up some reviews.
Showcase Presents: The Elongated Man
This was the first of these black-and-white beauties to cross my path and I was pretty glad that it had. It featured Ralph Dibny's start as a rival/partner to the Flash, followed by his marriage to Sue Dearborn and their subsequent travels around the world. Ralph's a very atypical 60s DC hero in that his identity is known to the world (and in that he's married instead of being in an extended engagement or flirtation). He and Sue encounter all manner of mysteries while being socialites, some of which are quite charming. Ralph also hits people with a disturbing array of pliable body parts. These early stories are a great illustration of the fact that even though the Elongated Man may have the same power as Mr. Fantastic or Plastic Man, the way that he uses it is all his own.
JOHN APPROVED
Showcase Presents: Superman Volumes 1 and 2
This is some pretty great Silver age ridiculousness right here. You've got Superman obsessing over his secret identity, kryptonite simply everywhere, more mermaids than you can shake a stick at, Lex Luthor, Jimmy Olsen, Lois Lane, Clark Kent looking like Steven Colbert and plenty of aliens. Plus Volume 1 was one of the first of these bad boys out and so only cost $9.99.
JOHN APPROVED
Showcase Presents: Superman Family
This reads pretty similarly to just plain Superman, only with more Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy: a) has lots of different jobs. b) foils lots of gangsters. c) occasionally betrays/ is betrayed by Superman for dramatic effect. d) frequently develops superpowers - in one of the coolest stories he uses some of Superman's trophies to put together a super-powered crime fighting suit, then develops a 'best-buddies' relationship with a paper boy (who collects souvenirs of his exploits and summons him via a signal-pen).
JOHN APPROVED
Showcase Presents: Green Lantern
Another $9.99 wonder. With this one I got an interesting look at just how different comic book series used to be from one another. The Elongated Man dealt with really intimate little mysteries, while Superman lived in a world that hovered between soft sci-fi and fantasy, genre-wise. Green Lantern was by no means hard sci-fi but it drew from some of its conventions (and of those of the classic space opera) to create a comic that took itself a bit more seriously. Some good, solid, fun comic yarns here.
Showcase Presents: The Brave and the Bold
Bob Haney writes Batman and guest. This was a terrific read, with lots of Haney lunacy. The guests included Metamorpho (good), Plastic Man (dismal), The Metal Men (terrific - everyone goes to a robot convention) and Deadman (two times!). The best issue involved Batman having Wonder Woman and Batgirl pretend to fall in love with him as part of a plat to catch Copperhead, then when the time came to nab him they really had, such is the power of the Bat-charisma. Copperhead escaped in the kerfuffle, but was nabbed later on. Duh.
JOHN APPROVED
Showcase Presents: Justice League of America, Volumes 1 and 2
Good solid Silver Age fun. The JLA whomp some aliens, Starro the Conquerer, more aliens, Dr. Light, and some aliens. Snapper Carr is surprisingly endearing, J'onn J'onzz is surprisingly pudgy. He also tends to use his "Martian Breath" almost to the exclusion of all of his many other powers, possibly to distinguish him from Superman.
JOHN APPROVED
Showcase Presents: Teen Titans
Another Bob Haney masterwork, featuring the sidekicks of various Justice League members. The Titans answer calls for help from teenagers across the world and so end up dealing with giant monsters, inter-dimensional invasions and submarine pirates. Also notable is Haney's mastery of contemporary slang (assuming that sixties-teens used 'fab', 'ginchy' and 'gear' in every other sentence) and creative use of nicknames (Kid Flash = 'Twinkletoes', Aqualad = 'Gill Head', Wonder Girl = 'Wonder Chick'). All this and the Mad Mod!
JOHN APPROVED
Showcase Presents: Legion of Super-Heroes
My thoughts on this topic are already known.
JOHN APPROVED
Showcase Presents: Metamorpho the Element Man
Bob Haney strikes again! This time out he's penning the adventures of Rex Mason, whose brush with an ancient meteor/artifact gives him a hideous appearance and the ability to change into any element found in the human body. This one's got great art, as well as my favourite Silver Age supporting cast: Simon Stagg, Rex's boss, famous scientist and so close to being a super-villain that his private security forces dress like Cobra Commander; his daughter Sapphire Stagg, Rex's fiance; Java, a formerly-frozen Neanderthal given a modern brain by Stagg - Java's in love with Sapphire and occasionally tries to bump Metamorpho off but is a colossal coward and so never succeeds; and Urania Blackwell, the Element Girl, Metamorpho's female counterpart. One sad thing: Metamorpho, like Aztek, had his comic canceled before its time and so you'll never learn just who it was that was plotting against the Element Man toward the end of his series.
JOHN APPROVED
Showcase Presents: The Phantom Stranger
I'm still reading this one, but so far it's great. The basic format involves a supernatural setup, followed by the appearance of both the Phantom Stranger and Dr. Thirteen, the Ghost-Breaker to lend a hand. The two squabble over the existence of the supernatural, then tell stories to illustrate their points. Then they solve the mystery. At the end of the story the Phantom Stranger disappears, which really ticks off Dr. Thirteen, and it seems to be cumulative, because in the last story I read he pretty much just punched the Phantom Stranger in the face as soon as he showed up. Also notable: four teenagers keep showing up and their names are Spartacus, Attila, Wild Rose and Mister Square.
JOHN APPROVED
Well, that's it for now. I'll almost certainly be getting more of these things and when I do I'll write about it on the Internet. I'm so cool.
So...is this part of DC's campaign to attract women to the Supergirl character?
Because...there are some problems here.
Let's take a look at that torso:
What the hell is that thing?! It's like she has the entire torso of a full-grown male wedged between her chest and her thighs.
This isn't even sexy. Her hips are grossing me out. Plus, it doesn't even look like Supergirl. It looks like they dressed a stripper in Supergirl's costume.
Well, there you go boys. Your very own teenage girl you can take home and turn upside-down so you can peek up her skirt. Easily worth $80.
I've been thinking about it, and I am pretty sure that this is the most offensive thing I have ever seen:
Yep. Pretty much.
It could only be improved if she were also pregnant.
I would like a statue of Spider-Man doing his own goddamn laundry. That would actually be kind of cute. But this is the worst thing I have ever seen. Why is Mary-Jane standing like that?! Even with all the other crappy elements of this statue, it would be significantly less offensive if she were standing up straight. It's like there's a giant fire that she has to lean over to reach the wash bucket.
The thong is also a nice touch. She obviously sucks at laundry because all of her own clothes are shrunk.
Argh!! It's so shitty!!!
Actually, I might buy one of these so I can haul it out and beat anyone with it who suggests that sexism in comics doesn't exist.
Next Wednesday is an exciting and monumental occasion. It is the day that All-Star Batman and Robin #5 finally drops. It's the comic that you love to hate. It will be a great day for comic bloggers everywhere.
Now, the last issue of the jaw-droppingly terrible series came out almost a year ago. Well before I started this blog. I don't want anyone's enjoyment of the upcoming issue to be diminished by the fact that they can't remember what the series is about in the first place, so I am doing everyone a favour. I am going to outline the key plot points of the first four issues, just so we're all up to speed. It's a very intricate and challenging plot to follow, so pay attention:
Issue 1
- Vicky Vale walks around in her underwear and eventually puts on a dress that is somehow more revealing than her underwear for her date with Bruce Wayne. (She is having a date with Bruce Wayne...this is repeated several times in case we can't follow).
- She has a date with Bruce Wayne. They go to the circus where Bruce reveals that he has had his eye on a young boy for some time (young Dick Grayson of the flying Graysons. SPOILER - he's going to be Robin).
- Dick's parents get shot in the head in the middle of the ring. Bruce changes into Batman and grows about an inch of stubble.
- Dick gets escorted out of the circus tent by some comically evil police officers. Vicky tries to stop them and gets her mouth smacked. She then pushes Alfred out of the way and highjacks the Wayne Rolls Royce to hunt chase down the police/Dick. She ends up getting shot, or hit with the Batmobile, or something.
- The cops are about to rough up Robin...because they are evil...when Batman shows up. He grabs poor Dick by the collar and tells him he's just been drafted into a war. Because Batman is also evil. He gasses Dick and literally throws the poor boy into the Batmobile and drives off.
Issue 2
- Vicky Vale has been wounded, and Alfred has torn off his shirt to use as bandages. Vicky regains consciousness and remembers everything, including the fact that the Graysons were murdered "Brutally. Brutally. It was brutal." Weird, overly-sexual Vicky/Alfred posturing ensues.
- While driving back to Wayne Manor, Batman calls Dick "retarded" and refers to himself as "the Goddamn Batman" (Goddamn Batman action figure comes with everything you see here...dead police officers sold separately). He then kills a bunch of cops who are following them, and turns the car into a Batplane. Robin wants to throw up, Batman does not allow it. Robin starts to cry, because his parents were just killed and everything, and Batman smacks him across the face. Batman has a quiet moment of reflection, wondering if maybe what he's doing is wrong. He decides that it isn't. Robin questions the killing of cops, and Batman calls him a little snot.
Issue 3
- Someone who looks and dresses like Black Canary, but who I really hope isn't Black Canary, works in a bar. Then she beats up and/or kills everyone in the bar and jumps on a motorcycle.
- Batman and Dick are still heading for Wayne Manor, now flying. This should really get them there faster. He turns the plane into a submarine, and Robin calls the word Batmobile "queer."
- 15 hours ago in Metropolis(??!!)...Clark Kent crushes a milk carton with Dick's face on it and gets a newspaper slid under his door. The cover story is about Batman kidnapping Dick. Clark burns the paper with his eyes and says "Damn!"
Issue 4
- Vicky Vale dies or something.
- Still en route to Wayne Manor, Dick wonders when they are going to get there, and remarks that it feels like he's been in the vehicle for days. I guess that's a joke. They finally arrive at a Batcave so spectacular, it can only be contained in a six-page fold-out. Batman wants Dick to acknowledge how "cool" the cave is. Dick thinks it's alright. He also tells us that Batman pipes classical music into the cave.
- Batman takes a moment to reflect on how much smarter than Superman he is.
- Dick asks if he can get some new clothes because he's "all sweaty and dirty and I've still got Mom and Dad's blood and stuff all over me." Batman thinks about it, and agrees to get him some clothes. But then he doesn't, and instead leaves Dick alone in the cave for the night. Dick is hungry, and Batman more or less tells him to eat a rat.
- Meanwhile, Superman is bringing a doctor over from France at Batman's request to help save Vicky's life. He's actually running on water, carrying a car. Saying "Damn."
- Alfred serves Dick a cheeseburger and fries. Batman is angry with Alfred, saying that the boy should be forced to eat rats or something. In his head, he calls Dick a brat for the hundredth time in this series.
So, there you go. You're all up-to-date on this masterpiece. I can't frigging wait for Wednesday.
Living Between Wednesdays is a place for people who love comic books and superheroes.
