Review of the Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century, Part 8, By Johnathan

I've had the pictures ready for this one for like a week now but just couldn't bring myself to write it. "Why?" you ask, in tiny, review-starved voices. I'll tell you why: it's because today I'm reviewing three of the most boring-ass characters in the occasionally spotty history of the Legion of Super-Heroes. I'll let Sun Boy introduce them:

You might notice a lack of thirtieth-Century zazz to their names. Not a Querl Dox or Reep Daggle in the lot. This is because they were created by fans of the Legion, whose names were warped into futurespeak. I'm sure that Bob Cohen was thrilled, but Bobb Kohan just doesn't do it for me, hero-name-wise.

One of my biggest problems with these characters is the way that they're drawn - they just bore the hell out of me. Look at Nightwind and Lamprey: identical comic book bimbos with different dye jobs. This was a pretty lousy period in terms of Legion art - nobody even bothered to think up a kicky little eel logo for Lamprey. They didn't even make Crystel Kid's hair look all faceted. Lame.

Is Nightwind hitting on Blok?

As you might have guessed, these three placemats applied for Legion membership at the same time as Blok and failed mightily. First, though, they listened to him tell his origin story. After a while, an emergency call comes in and the applicants are taken along due to the fact that not enough Legionnaires are on hand. Gah! I'm boring myself! I hate these three so much!

They fly to the emergency, sporting all of the colours of the rainbow.

And get squashed like bugs in about four seconds. Hey, weird - I've been looking at these three's lame costumes a lot more than I'd like (you know, so I can complain about them) and I just noticed that Lamprey's breasts change size in, like, every panel. It's kind of eerie - maybe it's one of her powers?

When I finished this comic I was under the impression that this was the last I'd seen of these lame-ass characters. They'd shown up and tried their best and been dismal failures. I wasn't even curious about their powers. Then, just eleven issues later (LSH No. 283, if you really want to subject yourself to it) they show up again. It was like Reverse Christmas.

This time, we get to see their fantastic powers:

Crystal Kid fires gooey-looking beams that turn things into crystal, yawn. I mean... yawn.

One second.

Took a little nap there. There is nothing exciting about turning things to crystal, especially in the Legion. Plus Element Lad can already do that, so this kid shouldn't have gotten within five hundred metres of the place. Plus:
He's super over-confident. And:
His power only works as long as he's concentrating on it, which seems like adding insult to injury. "Sure you've got a lousy power, kid, but at least it doesn't work very well, right?"

Wildfire takes a dip in the surprisingly deep Legion fountain, where he encounters Lamprey, who has all of the standard "underwater hero" powers (that's superstrength, plus the ability to swim) and electricity-shooting:

I'm not sure if she's ever seen a lamprey eel - my guess is no, as they're almost indescribably hideous. In any case, her powers are somewhat better than poor Bobb's. There is one drawback, though:

It's not just a case of artistic license - she really is firing rings of electricity. Moreover, those rings are big enough that Wildfire can step right through them (Though not very well. By my reckoning he's about to get ringed in the knee, thigh and crotch). Plus it's implied that she's not too good at maneuvers out of the water, which puts the kibosh on roughly 98 percent of Legion missions.

Nightwind flies and fires wind out of her feet. She gets some credit for not wearing clothing that is the same colour as her skin but that's about all I'm willing to grant her.

So anyway, Wildfire trashes the three of them. Then this happens:

The girls try to kiss Wildfire and he goes nuts! Personally, I think that it's because he saw that wink thing. Nightwind's wink is terrifying! That one staring white eye? Gives me the heebie jeebies. He says it's because of his Tragic Past, but I don't buy it.

Anyway, what with the terrible costumes, the lame powers, the stupid names and the fact that they mostly get their asses kicked and listen to exposition (Wildfire tells them a story too), these three jokers are:

NOT APPROVED

But finally getting them out of the way? That's JOHN APPROVED from here to Tuesday. So... for two days.

This Week's Haul: So This is What it Sounds Like...When A GOD DIES!

Two weeks in a row my comics were delayed until Thursday. I can understand last week, because it was a Canadian holiday. But this week it was just a dumb American holiday and they held back on releasing the comics on Wednesday here just to be fair. Horrible!

Anyway, the agonizing wait is over. And it was worth it because there was a lot of fun between the covers this week.

Countdown Week 48

So...who doesn't know about Jason Todd's identity?

Like...this is concerning me. Bruce should really put a lid on this thing because it won't take a genius to figure out who Batman is if the whole world knows that Jason is an ex-dead ex-Robin. Jason's hero name seems to be Jason Todd, because more people seem to be calling him that than anything else.

Hey, look at what Jimmy can do!

Weird!

Karate Kid says something that you will never hear outside of a comic book:

And Lightray dies, causing Superman to speak in fonts:

That cracked me up. It probably wasn't supposed to.

Amazons Attack #2

Oh, those pesky Amazons.

Once again, the Amazons are HARDCORE:

Daaayummm!

I'm liking this, because Will Pfeifer and Pete Woods is a solid combination. And look at this thing:

There are battles, and then there are BATTLES. This, my friends, is as awesome-looking as an attack gets.

My boy Batman gets a starring role in this one. This is fun:

Oh, I have been waiting my whole life for someone to say that to me.

As much as I love me some Batman, I was kind of sad for Black Canary. I mean, who exactly is in charge here?!

Come on, Dinah! You're supposed to be the chairperson! Tell Batman to shut up!

Daredevil #97

I am finally caught up on this series. And what the hell took me so long?! It's FANTASTIC. I mean, obviously. You team up Brubaker and Lark and the results are always so good they actually frighten me a little. I mean, even if I didn't already think so, this series alone would tell me that Brubaker is the best writer in comics today. But he also happens to be writing, and has written, a whole bunch of totally amazing comics.

I mean, there are a lot of great writers working in comics right now, but Brubaker writes comics that I feel I can lend to anyone, whether they normally read comics or not, and they will not only love them, but they will understand them. His writing is very straightforward and engaging, and avoids getting tangled up in obscure references or overly complicated casts of characters.

Sometimes I'll just stare at one panel, re-reading the dialog and staring at the art forever. It's just so good. Daredevil is my new boyfriend. I mean, check this out:

Yeah. That's hot.

This was pretty surprising:

I hope Brubaker and Lark are doing the next 200 issues of Daredevil. And then Brubaker should write a new Daredevil movie that doesn't suck.

Blue Beetle #15

J. Torres!!!!

Superman was a really busy guy this week. He shows up in Hawkgirl, Countdown, Amazons Attack, and this as well as starring in a giant-size issue of Action Comics. It's a toss-up between this comic and Hawkgirl for most adorable cameo, but this was decidedly more entertaining.

I mean, first of all there's this page:

I just love the way he's holding both of those guys. Also, Livewire rules.

It gets really funny at the end because there's this whole Very Special Episode-style conversation between Blue Beetle and Superman:

That's just so...funny. "Go on, son. I'm listening." And then the sage advice and the whole "You did the right thing." "Thanks, Superman." exchange was just so delightfully wholesome. Superman!

And the art, by Freddie Williams II, was great too. Check out this facial expression:

I love this series.

Green Lantern #20

Everyone's favourite piece of meat is back in action this week. He's still dealing with that obnoxious Star Sapphire.

Hal does what he always does when faced with a problem. He makes out with it.

Pretty clever, Hal. When in doubt, make out.

This is what I like about Green Lantern comics. I'm just sayin', you're not going to see that in a Batman comic.

I love the art on this run. Everyone is all great-looking.

I like Cowgirl. But it doesn't look good for her, because guess what Hal just found out about Carol:

"Divorce?! That's my favourite word!"

Oh, Hal.

Justice Society of America #6

More Geoff Johns goodness!

"Insane? Wait, who are you again?"

Oh Starman. I love your crazy ass:

Aaaand I loved this:

Hee! I am really enjoying this Kingdom Come Earth development. I guess that what we are really learning is that all of the Elseworlds actually exist in the multiverse. It's fun.

And this was fun:

What about Black Lightning? He's cool! And he's standing right there! What wouldn't Diana like about a gold medalist decathelete?

Lovin' this cross-over. Get to the part where Barry Allan comes back!!!

Teen Titans # 47

I'll be honest. I only half-understood what was going on here. I'm making an effort to get to know the Titans but they are so damn confusing.

I did understand this though:

Robins! Ooodles of Robins!

Lordy those three boys all look the same. It's like Bruce has them manufactured or something.

Well, that was unnecessary, Tim. I expected better from you.

Action Comics #850

Now THIS was adorable!

A celebratory 850th issue of Action Comics that looks back at Superman's history via the Legion of Superheroes teaching Kara about her cousin. It's very clever and fun. And it's beautifully drawn by my new favourite person, Renato Guedes.

So, yeah. Brainiac 5 is testing out his new invention, the Chronexus, which allows people to view any point in time. He decides to use it to show Kara Superman's past. But first he has to find the correct past (read: the current origin and continuity for Superman; read: Birthright), which is fun. It takes him a few tries, which means we get awesome pages like this:

Everything is good about that page. "That hair! No."

Eventually Brainiac finds the right Superman and we follow him from birth on Krypton to present in a series of vignettes with snappy Legion commentary. And there are some really awesome and cute scenes, like this one after Clark's debut as Superman:

"Ah!" So cute.

His first date with Lois:

His first Justice League mission:

Barry! You're killing me! Look at his posture!

And here's a heartbreaking scene where Clark and Lois are talking about children:

Awwwwww.

New and Improved Supergirl!!!

I am very excited about the new look for Supergirl, as drawn by Renato Guedes. She just looks so...correct.

And she's still sexy, just in a normal proportions kind of way. No more breast implants.

I forgive the kinda gross upskirt sketch because it reveals that she is wearing boy shorts underneath!!! Sensible!!!

If DC is going after the female demographic with this character, I think they are taking steps in the right direction. I would totally hang out with this girl!

The new writer, Tony Bedard, takes over in August with Supergirl #20, and Guedes will be drawing. I can't wait. I am so pleased because I really don't want to hate Supergirl, but outside Brave and the Bold, I have had very little choice.

There's an interview with Bedard at comicon.com with more sketches that you can check out here. Things are looking up!

Strange Adventures Rules! (Even when new comics are delayed until Thursday).

A little magazine called Reader's Digest just named Strange Adventures the best comic shop in Canada. Was there ever any doubt?

Incidentally, we were the runner-up for best place to see polar bears.

In honour of this...honour...I am launching another contest. Right here, right now. It's another photo challenge, but this time I want y'all to send me a photo of your favourite comic shop. I would especially like to see a picture of you, in your favourite shop, holding your favourite comic. Something like this:

If you're shy, you can also have a picture of your favourite comic store clerk. Or just the store. Whatever. As long as it's a picture you didn't take off your favourite store's website. I want to see a little effort. If you want to say some nice things about your favourite shop, that would be cool. In two weeks, I will post all the photos and comments. You can email them to rachellegoguen at gmail dot com.

Here are some more pictures of Strange Adventures:

Tiina likes Runaways:

Ben likes JLA (specifically, Red Tornado):

Cal likes The Spirit:

Dave likes All-Star Superman:

Dave is a good drawer. He makes nice signs:

I don't understand RPGs:

This is our recommended rack:

Mine is the one with Batman and the Monster Men and stuff (and JUST the annual issue of Superman/Batman).

So I suppose you are all wondering what the prize is. I'ma send the winner, who will be drawn randomly, a copy of the first edition of The Spirit #1, signed by Darwyn Cooke, along with two very rare and limited Spirit buttons (all courtesy of Strange Adventures). Not bad at all!

So let's all show some love for our favourite comic shops.

Rating the Super Hunks #8: Wally West

I was biking all day and now it hurts to sit down. But I will suffer through it because it is Tuesday and that means:

a) New comics tomorrow!
b) Time to rate a super hunk!

I got some requests for this one. The fastest hunk alive,

Wally West, aka The Flash

Costume/Appearance: The Flash suit has always been one of my favourite superhero costumes, with its crimson and gold colour combo and lightning bolt details. Plus, it's very tight and leaves nothing to the imagination.

Wally basically took Barry's costume, which was great, and eventually made small alterations that made it just a little bit cooler. The two diagonal lightning bolts that meet in the middle is a much more flattering look than the straight across belt that Barry rocked. And removing the wings from the boots is a step in the right direction. Also, those big yellow boots are awesome.

I'm going to go on record right now and say that I don't like the shiny suit. You can wear a bright red hooded leotard with lightning bolts sticking out of the sides of your head, but you start making that shit shiny and it's just tacky. The little ear decorations should be metal, and the rest should be matte. That's a nice-looking costume.

I actually don't know how sexy the Wally West Flash costume is, really. I mean, it's got Jay Garrick's beat by a country mile, but still...

Yeah. It's pretty good. You have to be pretty damn fit to wear that thing and make it not look ridiculous.

Without the costume, Wally is reasonably good-looking. He gets my vote for sexiest Flash. He's also one of the few red-headed heroes. He's got nice enough features. Green eyes, good jaw line. Whatever. He's no Bruce Wayne. His head is kinda small for his body.

7/10

Personality: This section used to be called Alter-Ego, but some heroes don't have one. 'Personality' is more inclusive.

Wally took on the mantle of The Flash when he was about 20 years old, so he's always had a young, boyish charm thing going for him. In the Flash comics, he's a bit of a smart ass, but nothing compared to the way he's portrayed in the Justice League cartoons and related comics.

To be honest, I always found Wally to be kind of boring. I like his friends more. He's just your typical nice guy who's good to his mother, married a nice girl, had a couple of kids, and vibrated at the same speed as the Speed Force or something to stop Superboy and help save the world before disappearing to an alternate Earth. Nothing really to write home about.

It should be noted, though, that Wally has gotten a lot of action in the comics. And by that, I mean sexy action. Dude has been around.

7/10

Day Job: He doesn't really have one, except when he lost his memory and was an auto mechanic for the KCPD. Auto mechanics are pretty macho. I like that he won the lottery once. That kept him comfortable for awhile.

This guy has gotten struck by lightning and has won the lottery. Jesus.

7/10

Sexiness of Powers: He's really, really fast. Is that sexy? It's actually kind of freaky.

I guess it keeps him happy. And it's hotter than, say, not having super speed.

7/10

Cons: Wally can be a real dick sometimes. Like when poor Kyle became the new Lantern. He was also kind of a punk kid, but who wasn't, really? I can't hold that against him.

But I am holding the treatment of Kyle against him. Stupid Wally.

OH, and how about losing ALL of your lottery winnings in the stock market, Wally? Not cool.

- 3

Final Score: 25/40

Wally got 7/10 across the board, and I think that makes sense. He's a solid 7. Nothing to be ashamed about.

Bat Tractor!

Best. Batmobile. Ever.