So this game Goodbye Robot Army is great, and that's neither a lie nor a biased opinion.
I mean, it's not as if it was programmed by Paul Review, right? And it's not like I myself provided concept art or some of the jokes or the above promotional image, right?
Right?
In light of that I offer a completely unbiased
JOHN APPROVED
Blah. I had an 8.5 hour operations management class today. My brain is fried. Time for comics!
The Amazing Spider-Man #546
I LOVED THIS!
One More Day was terrible beyond words. It was actually a giant insult to comic readers everywhere, as far as I'm concerned. But this issue of the all-new Spider-Man was excellent. Peter Parker is a lovable loser, it's funny, he has a secret identity, he's friends with Harry Osborne, he's single, he's broke...it's great.
Scenes like this one, where Peter is looking for a job, are so enjoyable:
Oh, Spider-Man. It's so nice to laugh out loud while reading your comics, and know that the writer wants me to.
So while One More Day was just awful, at least it led to this. Even if it took the laziest route possible.
Now if I could just think about this comic without getting that damn Sting song in my head.
Green Lantern Corps #20
I loved this because it TOTALLY sounded like Guy and Kyle decided to get married.
They have, in fact, decided to move to Oa together. And Guy is going to open a bar there! I think this is a fun development.
I love how Hal and John are all "Wow, that's a big decision. Are you guys sure? When did you decide this?" Totally sounds like they're getting married.
Hee!
Green Arrow/Black Canary #4
This issue was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, obviously it looked fantastic. Chiang's art is so good that it can even make scenes as goofy as this one look amazing:
The hero who is panicking and yelling at everyone because a loved one is on the brink of death story line is nothing new, but there was something extra touching about Ollie losing it on everyone over Connor. Especially when Hal got there.
Awwwww.
And then Black Lightning makes a fairly sensible observation:
I would think that, being a member of Meltzer's Justice League, he wouldn't even notice that anymore.
Wally's comment here confused me:
Arthur is in the water? Really? Where? What's his status? I thought he was dead. Or whatever.
So Connor isn't dead. But he is brain dead. You can still be hot when you're brain dead right?
Nightwing #140
Saaaay...this was good! Rags Morales serves up some great-looking art, and Tomasi gives us a story that's kinda like Nightwing: Brand New Day.
Nightwing is making some changes. He's making an HQ for himself in New York, for one:
Look at how nice that art is!
I loved this meeting between Batman and the two boys about family always coming first:
Oh, Batman.
The Nightwing title has a long, proud tradition of being very boring, but I really liked this issue. I look forward to more!
Marvel Adventures Hulk #7
This was totally awesome as always. I know there was that other big Hulk comic out this week, but I would advise everyone to buy this one instead. I mean, if you like Hulk. Like, regular Hulk being Hulk. But maybe you guys aren't interested in fun adventure stories full of the greatest Marvel characters. Maybe you want Hulk to be red.
I mean, check this out: Bruce Banner wants to step in and help out the Silver Surfer, so he asks Rick to punch him. Rick refuses. Hilarity ensues:
Jeph Loeb can't write funny like that, people!
Superman #672
All I want to say about this is that I hate insects. They are gross.
Ew.
The Spirit #12
Ohhhhhhhh...why did this have to be so good? The last Spirit comic by Darwyn Cooke and J. Bone and it was so damn perfect that now I'm all upset.
Why does this have to end but Marvel Zombies continues?! It's not fair!
I want a Cooke-designed Spirit action figure. Anyone else?
Scalped #13
This is the first issue of a new arc and it was AWESOME. I think this might be the best storyline yet. Although, really it is all one long storyline. I hope everyone is reading this series by now. You can buy the first trade with a money back guarantee! Do it! (I'll bet they get exactly zero books back from unsatisfied customers).
Teen Titans Lost Annual
Oh man. Bob Haney + Jay Stephens + Team Allred + JFK = the best.
I am pretty vocal about my love for the late, great Bob Haney. Nobody can write insanity like that man could. Sadly, he never got to see this comic before he died. Happily, the rest of us have finally gotten that opportunity.
JFK is kidnapped by aliens who believe his leadership skills will help them win a war on their planet. He is replaced by a shape-shifting alien. Robin notices. The Titans go to the distant planet to help win the war so the president can return to Earth. While all this is going on, the president is assassinated...on Earth...as in, it's actually the shape shifter who is famously killed, not the real JFK. The real Kennedy decides that the shock of revealing that he is actually still alive would be too much for Earth to handle (??!!...so his wife and son can just deal with the loss, I guess). He decides to return to the far away planet, where he continues to live happily.
Bob Haney is the greatest writer of all time. And this panel alone proves it:
Yeah, that's definitive Haney right there.
The art looks really great. The cover is beautiful. There's a lovely Nick Cardy sketchbook in the back.
Showcase Presents Robin The Boy Wonder
Trust me. You want this. If you don't own it you are missing out on heartwarming classic tales like this one:
Ha Ha! Good luck, boys!
***
Good news, everyone! I have found the perfect wedding cake!
And they make cupcakes too! Which are more fashionable these days.
I don't know how I feel about the ol' super-shout. On the one hand, it'd be nice to know what Superboy was up to at any one time but on the other: burst eardrums. I don't know. I kind of figured that after Brainiac 5 got finished with creating those y'know, rings, the ones that let you fly, he might have devoted a half hour or so to banging together one or two walkie-talkies. I mean, I know that Silver Age Superboy had to use all of his powers as frequently as possible while talking about what he was doing or he'd lose them, but couldn't he think of the children, and also the old people and the pets and everyone else?
I like that Superboy can't just say "Great guns!" or something. He's too large for that - he needs to swear by something really, really big. It's all "Great galaxies!" or "By the rings of Saturn!" or even "Great Krypton!", which always gives me a chuckle. I hope swearing by places you were born or used to live comes into vogue soon, so I can shout "Great Windsor!" or "Holy Halifax!" or even "By the temperate climate and great dining opportunities of Victoria!" when I get surprised by seeing some of my pals taking a nap.
Adventure Comics No. 337, REVIEW DEFERRED, still.
Action Comics No. 860 is out this (wait.. last) week. There's not much new to say about the Legion of Super-Rejects (though I was surprised to see that it wasn't just a trick of perspective - Golden Boy's pants really are that high-waisted) but I'm pleased to report that my dream of a comic in which Shadow Lass and Night Girl are working as the most obvious team ever has finally come to pass, and it only took thirty or forty years!
JOHN APPROVED
Shooter coming back to the Legion? Ask me in a few more issues.
This is for everyone (including me) who wanted to bump Booster Gold out of the bottom spot on the list of rated super hunks. I give you the man you love to hate, the decidedly unsexy
What a douche.
Tony Stark looks like the douchebag that he is, with his dochebag goatee.
Seriously, nice face, asshole.
His armor, however, is sweet. Very sweet. Costume on, he is one of my favourite looking super heroes. But he also looks like a robot.
Admittedly sexy for a robot.
Are robots sexy? No. Well, kinda...but in the way that a Lotus Elise is sexy.
Shit, I'd even buy her dinner.
Yeah. I'd hit that.
Anyway, the armor is real nice. And Tony designed and built it himself. So that's something. Plus...it hides his face.
The questions left unspoken!
Maybe I am being a little hard on him in the looks department. I mean, I guess he's got a dashing classic Hollywood kinda look about him. And he clearly works out.
I am confused by how hot he looks.
For my money, though, he looked better in the old days with his pencil moustache. And when he was sexily pulling up his stockings.
Iron Man: Vowing to Take it Easy since 1965.
Well, let's see...he's a giant douche. And a recovering alcoholic. But he's also a super genius. And I guess he is sorta fun sometimes.
"And underneath Tony Stark, I am still a giant douche!"
The thing is, Tony Stark has always been undeniably cool. That's basically his signature trait. It used to be all white tuxedos, martinis and cigarettes.
"You'll have to speak up, I'm holding a cigarette."
Nothing like enjoying a smoke after a long day of battling evil. And look at those slender, feminine fingers!
Anyway, he isn't cool anymore.
Ah, the old faceplant-in-the-crotch defense.
Billionaire inventor and owner and CEO of Stark Industries. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Full-time douche-bag.
If 'douchebag' ever needed an illustrated explanation...
Well, he has a sweet-looking suit that he built himself which makes him practically invincible. It also lets him fly really fast, and he can shoot lasers out of his hands.
As always, I award points to heroes who don't have any natural super powers, but I don't know how sexy a guy is who gains powers when he puts on a big heavy robot suit. I mean, anyone could be Iron Man. I could be Iron Man. But I guess I couldn't invent and build an Iron Man suit, so I gotta give props.
Iron Man is into some kinky shit.
It would be faster to re-name this section "Pros," because listing all the cons could take awhile. Briefly stated, though: an alcoholic whose hobbies include forcing other super heroes to register with the government, and shooting former teammates into outer space.
Lookin' good!
I just think this is the most hilarious Iron Man I have ever seen.
That's what you get, Tony. Truth be told, I actually like Iron Man a lot. But I like him because he's such a tool. You just gotta love that guy.
Ew.
EDIT!! I just realized I forgot a whole panel! I've now added it.
This is for the Invincible Super Blog contest over at Chris Sims' place.
I think this should prove, beyond any doubt, that I am the worst drawer in the world.
I thought that since I didn't get to review last week's comics, I would draw up a little summary of Captain America #33, which was awesome.
Alright, here we go...
Meanwhile, in S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters...
Tony suits up and goes looking for Winter Soldier:
Differences are set aside...
THE END.
And this is why I gave up my dream of being a comic book artist long ago.
Ugh. I suck. I kept all the children on tenterhooks for two, maybe three weeks. Sorry, children. I am filled with deep shame. Worry not, however - I hereby vow that I will finish writing about this gol-danged story before the year 2967 actually comes to pass. There: my conscience is once again clear.
Okay, so since the former Giant Giant Post format that I was using has been discredited like Soviet-era Communism (and because it was driving Paul Review crazy) I'll be delivering up the remainder of this story in easily-digested chunks. So... chew on this:
I've become even more taken with the fact that the alien spies believed that they had disguised themselves as beings from three different planets. What does this say about the future? Exactly how far can I run with the idea? Huh?
Pretty far, as it turns out. Blackout Boy, the green-clad gentleman in the centre, for example, proudly wears the planetary uniform of the Violently Clashing People of the Hot Pink Planet Eeugh. Settled by rogue fashion designers in the mid-25th Century, Eeugh's people deliberately choose a new universal style of clothing every five years, each created expressly to offend the eye when viewed against the already hard-to-look-at landscapes of their adoptive planet. The blackout power showcased in this story was evolved in order to give the Eeughians' eyes a much-needed rest.
Eeugh? JOHN APPROVED
Size Lad, here, is posing as an inhabitant of Scherer VXI, the Obsessive Rock Hudson Fan's Planet, inhabitants of which are recognizable for their hair, which is universally coloured and styled to resemble that of their idol. Further cosmetic alterations are earned by Scherernites by participating in grueling physical and mental challenges. As each citizen comes to resemble Hudson more and more they are entitled to wear a series of colour-coded uniforms that reflect their social status, starting at white for those with Hudson-hair and nothing else and progressing through the spectrum to an awe-inspiring luminescent black worn by the planet's leader, Rock Hudson.
JOHN APPROVED
Magnetic Kid - far right, first panel - isn't actually wearing a horrid purple jumpsuit. Rather, he is one of the Purple Torso People of the jungle planet Smee. The Torso people evolved in the jungles of Smee as relentless predators, drawing prey to them with their magnetic powers and then devouring them with their fearsome abdomouths. Eventually, the Torso People formed an advanced society and joined the United Planets, but found that the humans that they so resembled had difficulty in communicating comfortably with what to them resembled headless bodies, even if they knew that the white spots on the shoulders were eyes. Faced with the possibility of being cosmic outcasts, the Smeevians engaged the services of the renowned Coluan cyberneticist Sqak Vaq, who swiftly designed a robotic head capable of interfacing with the nerves and muscles of the Smeevian shoulder area and translating torso-based facial expressions into something that a human could appreciate. Of course, since Coluans and Torso People both consider all humans to look alike, the entire Smeevian race wears identical blonde cyberheads.
JOHN APPROVED
So you see: those three forms did look like they came from different planets after all! I was a fool to doubt, a fool!
And I just approved of three planets that I made up!
Adventure Comics No. 337: REVIEW DEFERRED
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