Rating the Superhunks #22: Wolverine

Am I the only one who sings "Wolverine" to the tune of Chuck Berry's Maybelline every time I read his name? Just me? Ok.

Wolverine is starring in his very own movie that opens this week! It looks a lot like the other three movies he was in! Let's see how the stocky little Canadian X-Man stacks up on the hunkometer as we rate:

James Howlett aka Logan aka Wolverine

Costume/Appearance:

He's the best he is at what he does, but what he wears isn't pretty (see what I did there?).

For me the classic brown suit is the way to go. The yellow and blue with the black claw pattern has surpassed it as the most well-known Wolverine look, but it just isn't as nice.

BEEFY!

I know that the blue and yellow came first, and then was brought back, but come on. That brown suit looks great (or, at least, as great as it can look).

PART-TIME LANDSCAPER.

The basic elements of the costume are pretty much always the same: tight, sleeveless, belt, weird pointy mask, and gloves. The sleeveless aspect is nice because Wolvie has got some beefy arms. The mask is damn ridiculous though. In the 90s it tended to look extra ridiculous and extra pointy. I do like that his shirt comes off pretty much all the time. I would say that Wolverine spends more time being shirtless or naked than most superheroes (except, of course, Namor...Hercules...Silver Surfer...alright, a bunch). But Wolverine is the shortest one!

I HAD A DREAM ABOUT THIS ONCE.

And on that note, his physical appearance can be summed up in one word: stocky. Actually two: stocky and hairy. Dude is a carpet. And the hair on his head is CRAZY. His personal style is casual, manly and consists mainly of leather jackets, tank tops, jeans and cowboy hats. Plus the ever-present cigar or cigarrette.

WOLVERINE'S PUFFS HAVE THREE 'F'S.

So in the end, I say he loses points for the mask, earns some for the sleeveless costume, earns some for the constant shirtlessness, loses some for the crazy hair, and gains a bunch for his macho style.

7/10

TWICE THE MAN YOU'LL EVER BE.

Personality:

I think 'gruff' is a pretty good word to use here. He can also easily be described as "the anti-Cyclops," which is maybe why I don't love Wolverine. I have always been a bit of a fan of Cyclops, wiener that he is. Wolverine joins the X-Men and is all assuming that he can steal Cyclops' girlfriend no problem because he's Wolverine and Cyclops is a little wiener who shoots lasers out of his eyes. In a way, that sort of bold self-confidence is sexy, and yes we would all love to see Jean going to town on Wolverine for a solid issue, but we know she's better off with Scott.

NOT HIS WIFE!

However, as we see with his various love affairs with Japanese women, Wolverine is pretty devoted and emotional when he wants to be. And he's good as a mentor to young X-Men like Kitty Pryde. Also in the "pro" department, he is very smart. And he's straightforward, which I can respect.

I LIKE HIS ATTITUDE!

I also respect that he is a proud Canadian (when not written by Jeph Loeb) and is a hockey fan. But he also strikes me as your typical stereotypical husband type who would sit around watching sports and drinking when he's not at work, and expecting you to bring him food. Frankly, I like to aim higher with my fantasy superhero husbands.

7/10

HULK PROBABLY DOES MIND.

Sexiness of Superpowers:

He can rapidly recover from basically any injury or illness, he has animal-like instincts, and he involuntarily had his skeleton covered in unbreakable adamantium which also gives him unbreakable retractable claws. According to his Wikipedia entry, it is believed that the only way to kill him is to decapitate him and remove his head from the vicinity of the body. Obviously, this is pretty sexy.

THE MAN CAN REALLY FILL OUT A TANKTOP.

Seriously, though, I think a guy who can take a bullet for you and it won't interrupt your date much is appealing. Apparently on said date he could also be decapitated by lazy attackers who leave the head on the ground next to the body, and you will still make it to the theatre having only missed the trailers. Not bad.

I do not, however, like thinking about holding hands with the guy and the claws suddenly pop out unexpectedly. And you would have to shower a lot because that guy can really, really smell you. And yet, he probably smells terrible. He doesn't strike me as a frequent bather.

NOW WITH LESS BODY HAIR!

So what I am saying is, the healing powers are sexy, the claws are scary, and the animal senses are weird.

7/10

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? NOTHING.

Day Job:

This one is tough because Wolverine has lived for, like, a billion years so he's had a few jobs. Most notably, he was a Canadian soldier, then secret agent, then experiment for the evil Canadian secret military project, Weapon X. I think my favourite thing about Wolverine is Weapon X. For one thing, there is no way Canada could afford to fund a secret military organization, much less an evil one. Maybe Canada could afford to coat a skeleton in nickel. Perhaps gravy. Certainly not something as expensive-sounding as adumantium. That's just silly.

THIS IS HOW I'D LIKE TO GO.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Wolverine! He doesn't really have a day job now. He splits his time between being an X-Man, an Avenger, a helper of Power Pack, and a sullen loner. Also, sometimes he goes undercover by wearing an eyepatch and calling himself "Patch." And the bad guys try not to hurt his feelings by letting him know that this is a terrible disguise.

"OH HEY WOLVERINE. WHAT'S WITH THE EYEPATCH?"

I mean, seriously. Patch?! It's like Clark Kent calling himself Glasses. Or Bruce Wayne calling himself "Without the Batman Costume."

Anyway, Patch, if that is your real name, which it isn't Logan, which isn't your real name either, James...Actually, Wolverine has some real identity crisis issues that might be annoying.

7/10

FROM WOLVERINE'S BRIEF CAREER AS A MODEL.

Cons:

Besides the fact that he's not the easiest guy to talk to, and the decades of pain he carries inside him, it's also wise to remember that Wolverine is basically an alcoholic. Plus, a lot of his girlfriends end up dead.

LOOKIN' GOOD!

 I'ma take off 3 points for that stuff. I think that's fair.

-3

Final Score: 25/40

SCHLIKT?

No, Wolverine, you're done. Consider yourself rated. And consider yourself equal to Cyclops on the hunkometer, you crazy Canuck.

Wolverine Week: Lookin' at Merch!

Wolverine is one of Marvel's most popular characters, and he has appeared in three movies, with a fourth hitting theatres this week. He has also appeared in several animated series. What all this means is that there is a lot of Wolverine merchandise floating around out there, and it's not all awesome. Join me as I wade through it.

This is the official X-Men Origins: Wolverine electronic claw. It seems to be a pretty hot item right now. But it does not look safe. When you flick your wrist the claws come out, which actually is pretty rad. I did some digging and found a number of Wolverine claw products for children, and this one is definitely the best. I mean, check this lame thing out:

Laaaaaaaaame. Those are long lady gloves with plastic claws glued on. I thought that this was the sad welfare version of Wolverine claws, until I saw this:

A rubber band with nails on it?! What the hell is that thing? But it's hard to fault this product because that kid on the package RULES. I encourage you to click on the image to view the larger size.

But it isn't all claws in the world of Wolverine merchandising! Sometimes you need to get sexy.

Y'know, I have never thought "I'll bet Wolverine smells pretty good." Of all the superheroes who SHOULDN'T have their own cologne, I would say that Wolverine is maybe sitting just on top of Solomon Grundy. And that guy's dead.

I thought this Wolverine/Transformer hybrid was pretty much the stupidest thing I've ever seen:

Until I saw this Mega Bloks Wolverine robot:

There is just no reason for these things to exist.

I'll tell you what ARE awesome, though: Wolverine party supplies!

Alright! Awesome!!! And I am charmed by these thank-you cards not only because of the idea of a Wolverine thank-you card, but because it's charming to think of kids sending thank-you cards to their party guests. Good etiquette, kids!

I just want to bring this Weapon X action figure from the new movie to everyone's attention:

What in the crazy fetish toy is this? In-sane.

Oh, dad.

And finally, don't wear this. Not anyone. Not ever:

So, in conclusion, weigh your options carefully when you are making a decision about how best to spend the money you have saved in the Wolverine Merchandise Fund.

The Long Awaited Wolverine/Larry Flynt Crossover!

In honour of Wolverine Week here at Living Between Wednesdays, counting down to the ol’ Canucklehead’s first solo film adventure (if you can call a movie crammed with so many mutants a solo adventure, that is), I’m going to discuss the first Wolverine comic I ever read. Actually, it was also the first X-Men comic I ever read—Uncanny X-Men #129, to be precise. A key component in the now-legendary Dark Phoenix saga, this issue not only introduced yours truly to Wolverine, AKA Logan, AKA The Best There Is At What He Does But What He Does Isn’t Very Nice, it also marked the first appearances (not just to me, but ever) of Emma Frost and Kitty Pryde. Furthermore, it was also my first taste of the unstoppable art team of John Byrne and Terry Austin—because of my multiple re-readings of this issue, Byrne became the first comic artist whose style I could recognize, even if I couldn’t pronounce his damn name properly for several more years.

This issue’s use of Wolverine is also especially significant because it pretty quickly gave me an idea of what the character was all about. Short, nasty, and adamantium-clawed, yes, but a trip to the local Malt Shoppe with Kitty Pryde was particularly insightful—check out what Logan is perusing at the magazine counter. Sports Illustrated? Nope. Mad Magazine? Guess again. Atlantic Monthly? Close, but no cigar.

Hustler? Wow, that guy likes the hard stuff. Have a look at Peter’s shocked expression—“By the White Wolf”, indeed. A few panels later, Logan has moved on to Penthouse, but the elderly shopkeep is losing his patience.

Oh man, Logan is absolutely ready to disembowel a citizen because he’s too cheap to pay for a porno mag! A citizen who says “liberry”, even! Thankfully, the armor-clad Knights of Hellfire crash the party, so we never get to see how this would have played out. One thing is certain, though…don’t ever come between Wolverine and his pornography. ‘Cause he will mess you up. This is a lesson I learned at the tender age of seven thanks to this issue, and it hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

I also learned that when he's off duty, Wolverine likes to dress like a tiny cowboy.
 

Archie Sunday: Yikes!

In Jughead #177, our hero crosses a terrifying line:

Jughead, this is not acceptable behaviour.

Future Zoo - Sloth-Apes and More!

Today we have a number of fascinating new future animals to show you, all brought to you by the Hunter, dastardly villain of Adventure Comics No 358. Why, here he is now, merrily chasing down a striped critter:

The hunter's basic thesis is the same as Kraven "I appeared three years before this guy" the Hunter's: once you've hunted enough animals it gets boring, so why not switch to super-heroes? Meanwhile, that tigerram isn't doing much to disprove his point. Talk about uninspired, kitty - you sure ain't no Parakat. Heck, of the half-dozen or so tiger-like creatures that have appeared in the Legion's history I think that the tigerram is about the least impressive. It's got all of the standard tiger stuff, sure, but are those horns even functional? Did the Hunter have them glued on to make things seem more exotic?

Man, it doesn't even try to butt him. NOT APPROVED, tigerram.

Anyway, the Hunter (real name Otto Orion, billionaire financier) is so bored with hunting that he doesn't even bother taking the tigerram's improbable corpse back home with him. He just sits around at his post-hunt party, moping about the lack of challenge involved in lasering something to death at point-blank ranges. If only he'd thought to try spears instead, the rest of the issue wouldn't be so stressful for the Legion.

The Hunter's aide, Jakra, is pretty great. He's everything that  a fanatically loyal henchman should be, plus he's won his letterman's tank-top, so you know he's good at it. I get the feeling that I've brought this up at some point in the past but I don't mind repeating myself: I kind of want to live life like people do in these comics, with my initials on my shirt and my name written on my jacket and a statue of me on my lawn (and all of my friends' lawns, because I give them as gifts) and a little card in front of my seat at any table saying my name and power (super chicken wing-consumption). It seems so.... satisfying, like you'd look in the mirror every morning and see the tattoo of yourself and go "Hiya, best friend!" and then put on a shirt and read it and say "That's me!" Life would be nothing but certainties.

Back to that second panel: note the back of the hunter's vest. Mounting a whole animal head back there, tusks and all, is a bold fashion move. Plus it looks better than Kraven the Hunter's lion vest.

Orion's evil plan involves landing a fleet of ships (billionaire financier, remember?) on Earth, letting them out and then somehow capturing the Legion. If he planned it out any further he didn't say.

Note the guy in the foreground, on the left. This place either has a much more lax dress code than where I work or a much stricter one. Either way, that's well beyond business casual.

The Hunter demands the Legion's surrender without giving them a way to respond, then unleashes his animals. Flying patrol, the Legionnaires hear the following: "CLUMP! BRAAT! ARRRT! KRUMPH! CRASH! RAWRR! CRUNCH! HELP! YARR!" and of course rush to investigate. They find not a fat angry pirate but:

A lot of animals! Let's see... that  grey guy at the top is terrific, but then again I love any monster that has its own laser-stalk. In the the absence of any proper name I'm going to call it a Belligerent Raynocerous and it's JOHN APPROVED.

The giant snake... well, it's just a giant snake, but it's randomly smashing up a car. I like Robert E. Howard stories enough that giant snakes have a special place in my heart, so I dub it the Rigellian Vandalconda and JOHN APPROVED, in that order.

Leading the pack is the Sloth-Ape, which Jakra mentioned earlier. I want to say that it's about as imaginative as the Tigerram, but the fact that the "sloth" part of its name comes from giant, slashing talons rather than the kind of lethargic motion that I showcase on Sunday mornings is a big relief. Plus, the slothy haircut. JOHN APPROVED. The thing behind it, however, which I might describe as "kind of a doggish leopard, with giraffe spots" gets zero points. NOT APPROVED.

On the other hand, the thing in the foreground, the one that looks like a bull with a doggy head and tusks and horns and more horns? That's a proper alien monster - vaguely ridiculous but not something that you'd like to see coming at you across a stretch of Old Man McGillicuddy's field. Also, not completely implausible. It's called the Ravenous Puncture Cow and it's JOHN APPROVED.

The rest, the dinosaur-looking ones, Lumpy, Fasty and Grey? Far too generic for me to care.

Arg! Boooooooooooooooo! The Jovian Mastodon has two trunks, boo boo boo. It should at least have have insect eyes and nineteen legs or something. NOT APPROVED.

The Oraxian Cyclops, on the other hand, is great. It's got: chicken legs, no neck, no elbows, lumps and a completly mouth-bisected head. It's like... it's like one of my childhood dream-toys come to life! I can just picture it devouring a G.I. Joe and the turning on poor Lion-O. Mmmm. JOHN APPROVED.

This guy on the left, by the way, is what Chameleon Boy was turning into up there. The Toradian Karkon, eh? A rough-and-tumble, tentacle-slinging, fire-spewing pink lump of a monster, one that even other monsters fear. I reckon that it'd be wearing a fedora and chomping on a stogie if it had the choice and a mouth. JOHN APPROVED.

Another look at the Sloth-Ape - turns out that their only weakness is a fire hydrant to the skull. Same as me!

Meanwhile, the Venusian Tricorn Beast is pretty damned disappointing. With a name like that, the very least that I expect is for its head to resemble Paul Revere's hat. Having three horns just doesn't cut it, beastie, especially when two of them are spaced widely enough that they couldn't hit the broad side of an Air-Car at the same time. NOT APPROVED.

Giant toads are almost as good as giant snakes. Giant toads with radar eyes are roughly twice as good as giant snakes with regular eyes. The Giant Ankarian Toad clocks in at 4.5 times as good, due to its nonchalant expression. JOHN APPROVED.

Invisible Kid is way too calm about being caught by a toad-tongue. If I am ever in a similar situation I guarantee you that my thought balloon will read "Giant toad! Giant TOAD! GIANT TOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOAADD!"

Meanwhile, Shrinking Violet is living up to her name and shrinking, giving the Hunter a chance to prove that he is a pretty dam good planner, as he included tiny monsters, just in case someone got small. That's a detail that most would overlook, my friends.

The Gleeful Batbee is JOHN APPROVED. It's sting is almost as deadly as its sense of humour.

The Tufted Murderpillar is also JOHN APPROVED, both for being able to keep up with the rest of the monsters and for being a deadly alien caterpillar.

And that yellow thing? That yellow thing that I'm gonna call MC Slapsalot (from Mixmaster IX, in the Nebula Funkadelic)? That thing has the best attack of any monster ever. Just squash 'em, Slapsalot! JOHN APPROVED.

The Legionnaires absolutely fail to get rid of the beasts, by the way, and retreat to a crumbled building to consider a strategy that involves not getting their asses kicked by creatures that wouldn't have made it into a Greek myth. This is when the Hunter makes his move, showing up with a Radioactive Monster that apparantly can sap Ultra Boy's strength (and is JOHN APPROVED for being proactive about adapting to potential futuristic nuclear wastelands and kind of looking like it has a flashlight strapped to its head) and a Kryptonite Beast (NOT APPROVED because it's stupid. A magic beast would be far more plausible [he said, not listening to himself make very little sense]). He offers to get rid of all of the monster in exchange for permission to hunt the Legionnaires. They, of course, say yes.

Okay, the Kryptonite Beast does have a sense of showmanship, I'll give it that. But not  one jot more. 

Anyway, the Hunter pulls this off:

and then hunts the Legion and almost wins and then dies in a weirdly honourable way. His son later comes back for revenge wielding a terrible haircut and a bad attitude.

So today's lesson is... don't hunt superheroes. Kill them with an overwhelming flood of monsters and then claim that you hunted them. It's safer.

And now I go out for supper. Good night.

Eedie Beedie Beedie...Welcome Back, Buck.

This week, Dynamite released the zero issue of their Buck Rogers relaunch, for the low low price of a quarter. In all honesty, I don’t expect a lot for that kinda money, but this wasn’t too bad at all. Granted, my knowledge of the character extends to my mostly-fuzzy memories of the Gil Gerard TV incarnation, and this book features neither Twiki or Linda Grey in a form-fitting white outfit (which is really too bad, 'cause...damn.). However, it does feature a  fairly sharp little SF adventure that, even though it’s the zero issue, is sort of the last Buck Rogers adventure—intriguing!—and a dope cover by John Cassaday. Seems that Earth in the 25th Century, which is safeguarded by the titular modern-day, time-tossed astronaut—is under assault by disgusting paramecium invaders from Ganymede, and Buck has to maybe make the Ultimate Sacrifice to repel them, while his grown-up kids (I guess?) watch helplessly from Earth. It’s written by Scott Beatty (Batgirl: Year One) and features attractive art by Carlos Rafael, but I had a few issues…namely, Buck is drawn way too young to have spawned the full-grown kids featured in this story. Or they’re drawn way too old, take your pick. Maybe there’s even more time travel shenanigans afoot that will be revealed in the ongoing series? Either way, it’s not a bad read otherwise, and given the way this issue ends, it’s an intriguing way to kick off a relaunch. Can I also say that I’m totally on board with this new design for the character, provided by Alex Ross, and, for some reason, I am head-over-heels in love with the book’s logo. I can’t put my finger on it, but it kind of rules.

What else? Amazing Spider-Man began a new arc this week, 24/7, that sees Spidey dealing with the consequences of his accidentally being gone for several months in another dimension. For instance, J. Jonah Jameson is the new mayor of New York City, so Peter Parker decides to become Spider-Man full time, the better to bedevil him. Also, a classic Spidey villain appears in a creepy new incarnation, and…I’m not gonna spoil the last page, but my eyebrows almost left the top of my head. Let’s just say it’s something that neither us nor Peter ever wanted to see in our lifetimes. Anyway, point being, Mark Waid’s Spider-Man scripts have so far shown that he has an almost supernaturally precise knowledge of what needs to  be in a good Web-head yarn—the proper mix of action, soap opera, and lots of humour. Waid’s collaborator here is Mike McKone, who draws an awesomely acrobatic Wall-crawler, and the colours by Jeromy Cox top the whole thing off nicely.

Now that One More Day is well in the past, can I just say how great it is that Amazing Spider-Man is a book I want to read again? It was always my childhood fave, especially the Marvel Tales reprints of the great Ross Andru stuff from the 70s. However, when they rolled back the clock and started doing reprints of the early years, that was fine by me as well. I sure do love me some Lee/Ditko Spidey—almost as much as I love the idea of giving your wife of many years a signed photograph of yourself:

“Hmmm, maybe she’d like some flowers, or dinner at a fancy restaurant…wait! I’ve got it!” Anyway, I got off track there, but my point is, I will always have a soft spot for Spidey done right—and this is Spidey done right.

Finally, Image released Viking #1 by Ivan Brandon and Nic Klein this week, a book that actually sold out several weeks ago. That is to say, orders were so high that every copy being printed was already spoken for by retailers. This is cool because, not only is Viking a nicely gritty new series that sees warring clans of Norsemen chopping each other to bits, but its artist, Nic Klein, used to be a longtime customer of  Cal’s (dating back to the early days of the Fredericton store!) before moving to Germany. You’ve likely seen his work on some Marvel covers recently, like New Warriors, but he announces himself in a big way with this series. This is terrific stuff, but don’t take my word for it:

Man, how is that little bear so adorable and terrifying at the same time? Ivan Brandon’s script is composed of equal parts tender family moments and horrific violence, and the format—slightly wider, with a cardstock, spot-varnished cover—is super nice for only $2.99 US.  Throw on  "Invaders" by Iron Maiden  and have a blast.