All Titles Mailed Flat!

I was all set to write about Joe Quesada’s announcement of Marvel’s acquisition of Marvelman this week, but I realized I wasn’t up to the task of describing the legal quagmire surrounding the character; suffice it to say that, if this announcement means that the House of Ideas plans on teaming MM up with Spider-Man, or having him fight the Sentry or something, then it’s not exactly earth-shattering news. As a matter of fact, it’s not really interesting news at all unless it means that Marvel’s going to reprint the Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman Miracleman material, hopefully under its intended title and including its previously unpublished conclusion. Otherwise, what’s the point? It’s like saying you’ve acquired the rights to the Watchmen characters. What the hell could you possibly do with them after that series’ conclusion?

Anyway, after a week or so of grousing about the announcement and its implications (or lack thereof), I decided to lighten up a bit by revisiting an era where I viewed announcements from Marvel Comics with a whole lot less cynicism; an era where I trusted them implicitly, and believed that any proclamation from Stan Lee, Spider-man, or the Incredible Hulk carried with it the promise of good times and great comics. That’s right, Pilgrim, I can only be talking about…the Mighty Marvel Age of Subscription Ads! Check this out, fr’instance:

Are they actually implying that Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence using a Spider-Man pen? That would be confusing. Notice the topical reference to Star Wars, as well as the crappy comics Spidey will be stuck reading now. Dull Comics? Dopey Comics? A couple of not-so-subtle digs at Marvel’s Distinguished Competition, perhaps? You’d think that if anybody received a big, fat comp box from Marvel every month, it’d be their flagship character. However, this next ad shows that maybe ol’ Webhead is perpetually slow on the uptake:

Jesus, I think I’d be a bit terrified to see that lot rushing towards me. Thor sure looks like he’s about to clobber something or someone with his hammer, and the look on the Hulk’s face is sheer nightmare fuel. Check out Mr. Fantastic—he’s all like, “Hey, look! A duck with a cigar! Now I’ve seen everything!” If Chris Giarrusso drew this ad today, Daredevil would be totally be running the other way.

Ah, Spidey’s finally figured it out, but it took a press conference from Stan Lee to do it. I’m not sure why the Thing is dressed like an old-timey billionaire, but I for one am not complaining. And, I could be mistaken, but did both Fozzie Bear and Alfred E. Neuman show up to hear this announcement?

Now, here’s one of my all-time favourite subscription ads. I can’t get enough of the erudite, cultured Hulk who drinks tea (green tea, presumably) with his pinky sticking out and is partway through Atlas Shrugged, for what one can only assume is the third or fourth time. I hope he shows up as the real alter ego of the Red Hulk. By the way, does anyone care to hazard a guess as to the identities of those people in the framed photos by his chair? David Letterman and Amelia Earhart, maybe?

And finally, the ladies of the Marvel U get to do some shillin’ for their corporate paymasters. Unfortunately, Dazzler, Spider-Woman, and The Savage She-Hulk were all pretty short-lived titles, so if you were one of the unlucky few that did respond to this ad in favour of its spokeswomen, you likely ended up having your subscription eventually transferred over to Rom or Micronauts.

Nineties Week: My computer was rollin' like it was 1995

Man, I had a rough time posting this. My computer was not working in every way possible, which seemed timely for nineties week. But aren't we supposed to be past that now? Shouldn't my computer be psychically linked to me? Shouldn't it just know what I want it to do?

Anyway, I didn't read every title in my stack of nineties comics as my fellow blogger, Dave, so bravely did. I mean, there were three X titles in there, and I'm not going to read that in a regular week. But here's a sampling.

The Spectacular Spider-man #180

I was expecting a fun Spider-man story, but instead it was an issue where Harry Osborne has an internal psychological fist fight with his Dad and with Peter. I guess it was a metephor and Harry was really fighting himself, Batman Ego-style? Poor Harry. He was really losing it and I was concerned that he may harm himself.

That was kinda messed up, but it seemed like Owly after the terrible shit I witnessed on the first page.

UM, WHUT? That is nine kinds of fucked up.

X Factor # 70

This issue is an epilogue, so not much happens. Professor X is in a coma or something, and everyone's upset. But he wakes up in the end and everyone's okay. Wolverine extinguishes and cigarette by swallowing it. The X-Men's costumes are super fugly.

This issue did highlight that strange nineties trend where the sexiest part of a woman was considered to be the upper leg/side area revealed by a costume where the leg holes is cut almost to the lady's bust line. The leg/side/hip. Was that called something, like the muffin top? The pear-neck?

Avengers #338

The story was called "Infections Compulsions," 'cause the nineties were gross, and I have no idea what happened. In fact, I had to wiki almost every member of the Avengers team. Who were these people? And what were they doing? They were in space...or something? And fighting? I felt like I was deciphering an ancient text that may hold all the clues to what will happen in the next Marvel cross-over.

But this issue did have an editorial page that feature this:

THE COOLOMETER!!!!

I don't even know where to start! Sushi and Twin Peaks are not particularly cool? Don't rollerblades and ponytails on men normally go together? Infinity Gauntlet is clearly forever cool. And I like that Quasar is cool. Quasar totally strolls into the malt shop with sunglasses and a leather jacket on and is all, "S'up ladies?"

Justice League Quarterly #4

This was fun! This was the much-talked-about silly era of the JLA, right? The first story follows the Injustice League in a wacky caper to make some money. In the second story Guy Gardiner and some other JLA member that can only be described as relics, cruise around a psychic fair scaring the fake-weirdos by showing them some authentic powers, and then dying laughing. Nice!

Strangely, a whopping ten pages of this issue is devoted to "CaTales," following the hilarious adventures of the JLA cat. And he's no Streaky—he's just a smelly old cat that gets into trouble. I love a cat comic, so I'm not complaining but it wasn't the action-packed JLA that I'm used to.

In the story this panel is from, the Elongated Man had to give him a bath! Haha!

Outlaws  # 1

Hey, remember Outlaws? No? Anyone? Dave? This was apparently a six-part mini-series about a Robin Hood-style hero and his gang of outlaws who had all been horribly abused by the king of wherever it was set. Anyway, it was a fun read, in an unchallenging sort of way.The art was bad though, and it reminded me of every comic brought into Strange Adventures by a totally crazy person who thinks they've invented a franchise-worthy character with "Superior Man."

The best/worst/best again thing that came from my 1991 comics time capsule was a flyer for a con that took place in Wolfville, Nova Scotia.

The schedule featured a midnight filking session. FILKING. Look it up and cower at the nerdliness.

Anyway, the conclusion I've come to is that the nineties weren't all that bad. Or more accurately, that lots of comics in the two thousands blow too. We still see brutal fashion, terrible butt-flossy costumes on ladies, confusing plots and money-grabbing crossovers.

But at least in the two thousands, I'm old enough to buy beer. And that makes reading crappy comics way more fun.

Nineties Week Archie Sunday

I was really hoping to find some 90s Archie comics so's I could showcase some of the abominable fashion choices that the Riverdale gang were making diring that poorly-dressed decade but no dice.

Instead, here's a brief look at that most unlikely of crossovers, 1994's Punisher Meets Archie (or Archie Meets Punisher, depending on which company you bought it from)!

So how do America's typical 1950s teenager and The grittiest and most grim vigilante of them all end up sharing a comic? Well, the setup involves mobster/pharmaceutical tycoon "Red" Fever fleeing hot leaded justice for the bucolic Riverdale home of Mr Lodge, who turns out to own stock in his company. In a surprise shocker, "Red" turns out to look just like Archie Andrews:

Okay, maybe he doesn't look just like Archie. More like... Archie's deformed brother who has to live in the basement. As you can see, "Red" ends up taking Veronica to the Riverdale High 50s-style sock-hop instead of Archie after he screws up in classic fashion. "Red" hilariously spends the rest of the evening trying for a little of the ol' Riverdale Date Rape that he's heard so much about, but to no avail:

MEANWHILE: The Punisher and Microchip have rolled into town and spotted Archie moping around the Chok'lit Shoppe. Archie hilariously almost gets mowed down but thankfully our two heroes are astute at the ol' facial recognition game:

So then Archie and the Punisher team up and Figure out that a) "Red" is at the dance with Veronica and b) a rival gang are trying to rub "Red" out, which will probably be bad for the children of Riiverdale. The Punisher heads to the dance, where he learns that he is Miss Grundy's, uh, type:

While Archie tries to rally the local police, to no avail:

To be fair, the Riverdale beat must be just pure bullshit.

But everything works out okay in the end: Ronnie gets rescued from "Red"'s eventual kidnapping, virtue intact, the Riverdale kids don't have to witness any violent shooting deaths and the Punisher gets about the most heartwarming ending that he is ever likely to see:

Not pictured: Archie trying to convince the Punisher to give him a signal watch.

So there you have it: Punisher Meets Archie is actually not a bad comic. I'm as shocked as you are, really. I'll leave you with the joke teaser panel from the last page and a humble suggestion that we all start agitating for it to happen as soon as possible.

You know it would be great.

It's a Quiz: Are You a Nineties Super-Hero?

Nineties Week continues! Today we have a quiz for all of you out there who aren't sure whether you're a Nineties super-hero or not. Well, stop your worrying because Living Between Wednesdays is here to set you straight! Helping us out today are the stars of the 1993 DC event Bloodlines, famed for introducing such well-loved characters as Hitman and... Hitman! Keep on plugging, you crazy diamonds!

I briefly considered getting all fancy and having radio buttons and check boxes and a tally and so forth but laziness won out. So have a pencil and paper handy and remember to ask your parents before doing math by yourself. PRO TIP:  this quiz can also be used to determine if someone else is a Nineties super-hero. Just change the pronouns!

Part 1 - ATTITUDE

Are you so edgy and grim that you have no social skills whatsoever? Do you alienate and anger all around you? Are you, in short, a big jerk? Give yourself five points for each of the following situations that would elicit a rude, angry or sarcastic response from you, every single time:

- Someone asks you for help.

- Someone offers you help.

- Someone expresses concern or another feeling toward you.

- Someone asks you a question.

- Someone says or does anything while you are present.

Part 2 - POWERS

a. Are your powers completely generic, only with lots of crazy pyrotechnics? (If yes, add five points)

b. Can one of your powers be described as "I have a knife"? (Five points)

i. Is it a lot of knives? (One point per knife)

ii. Are there a lot of crazy pyrotechnics? (One point)

c. Can one of your powers be described as "I have a gun"? (Five points)

i. Is is a big gun? (One point if your answer is "Big", three for "Ridiculously big" and five for "It's essentially a small artillery piece"

ii. Are there a lot of guns? (One point for each additional gun)

iii. Does the gun resemble no actual firearm in any way? (One point)

iv. Are there lots of crazy pyrotechnics? (One point)

d. Are your powers totally gross? (Five points)

Part 3 – FASHION SENSE

a. Does your costume include shoulder pads? (Two points)

i. Do they extend past the reach of your actual shoulders? (Two points)

b. Does your costume consist wholly or in part of ripped street clothing? (One point)

c. Do any ties or the like on your costume have roughly one to two metres of extraneous trailing fabric? If you wear a cape, does it extend further than mid-calf? (Two points)

d. Do you have one of these face-framing numbers? (Five points)

i. Add two points if you don’t wear a mask with it.

e. Count how many pouches you have on your person. Give yourself a point for each one.

i. Subtract a point for each pouch that you have ever actually removed an item from or placed an item in.

f. Count how many spikes you have on your person. Give yourself a point for each one.

i. Subtract a point for every spike that serves some purpose beyond looking “cool” (e.g., is used offensively on a regular basis).

ii. Add a point for each spike that hinders your day-to-day activities (e.g., makes it harder to pass through doorways, is likely to stab you in the head if you nod off in costume, etc.).

g. Is your costume primarily black, silver, purple or red? (Two points)

h. Do your off-duty clothes resemble something fished out of the dumpster behind the Beverly Hills 90210 recording studios? (Five points)

Part 4 – NAME

a. Is your name a compound word? (Five points)

b. Does your name contain any of the following:

- Words related to death, dying or killing (Five points each)

- The name of a weapon, part of a weapon or action that you perform with a weapon (e.g., slice, shot, stab) (Five points each)

- Words related to blood, darkness, metal or fire (Five points each)

- Words relating to hitting (Two points each)

- The words hawk, cat or beast (Two points each)

Part 5 – MISCELLANEOUS

a. Do you have unfortunate hair? (Two points)

i. Add five points if it is a mullet or rat-tail.

b. Are you dead (Ten points) or presumed dead? (Five points)

Part 6 – SCORING

Okay, do you have your points tallied? Let’s see if you are a Nineties super-hero:

Score: 0-15 Verdict: Not a Nineties super-hero

Don’t worry, you’re okay. Whether you were created in the Nineties or not you seem to have avoided the decade’s malign influence. Give yourself a pat on the back and don’t worry about stabbing yourself in the hand.

Score: 16-25 Verdict: A little Nineties

You’ve probably gritted your teeth on a chromium cover or two. Don’t worry, though, the Nineties haven’t influenced you enough that the trend is irreversible – just think long and hard about whether you need that belt of pouches around your bicep and consider changing your name from Bloodkill to something a bit more friendly.

Score: 26-45 Verdict: Firmly Nineties

If you’re not holding a gigantic gun in each hand with your mouth open in a battle-scream with ropes of saliva connecting your upper and lower rows of teeth then you’re probably running in an anatomically-unlikely manner whilst throwing several knives and venting plasma from your eye sockets. Either way, you’re pretty damn Nineties.

Score: 46-60 Verdict: So, so Nineties

If you’re not dead yet then you’ve got a big surprise waiting for you at the next big crossover.

Score: 60+ Verdict: More Nineties than the year 1995.

If you exist outside of a page in a Todd McFarlane/Rob Liefeld joint sketchbook, I’m surprised. A spiked pouch is probably restricting your ability to breathe just now. Dislodge it with a knife-gun!

This post brought to you by the Society for the Promotion of Terrorsmith

Terrorsmith: because the world needs more sad sack would-be super-villains who just can't do anything right. And make monsters.

This Week's Haul...In 1990!

As much as I would love to indulge in reading and writing about 90s comics all night, I'm afraid I'm going to have to make this quick. I am jetting off to New York City tomorrow!

But first, let's see what treasures November 1990 had to offer.

Danny MF Ketch in the house!

I suggest clicking on that cover to look at the larger image, because it is pretty awesome.

In this issue Danny fights the Scarecrow, goes on a date in Brooklyn, seeks to avenge a baby murderer, and attends his own sister's funeral! And I think this may have been mostly on the same day.

It was written by Howard Mackie and drawn by Mark Texeira and it is a pretty solid Ghost Rider story.

This issue also features the best reaction to Ghost Rider that I have ever read:

I don't know if I have ever read an issue of Spider-Man drawn by Erik Larsen. It looks really, really weird.

Spider-Man voluntarily gives up his powers to become a normal guy, because it suddenly starts bothering him that Aunt May is possibly in danger as long as he's a superhero.

Everyone looks very late-80s, early-90s in this issue, especially Flash Thompson:

Yikes!

Captain America has to fight the most fearsome foe of the 1990s in this issue: affirmative action! Rage shows up at the new Avengers HQ and demands to be allowed to join the team. He does so in the most stereotypical way possible:

This issue also features Captain America wearing a construction helmet, which pretty much made my life:

Aw...he's workin' hard.

Ok, this was really a weird comic. In a recent Avengers issue, Tigra was apparently transformed into being a more cat-like creature, and was shrunk to the size of a house cat with Pym Particles. So she's basically a cat with a head of long hair and a human-ish shape. And she gets eaten by a pit bull, which is disturbing (except to the pit bull's owner, who is LOVING IT!). She gets taken to the vet by a kindly old woman with poor vision who does not notice that this cat looks really, really bizarre.

I don't know what this comic is, but it seemed like a bit of a fetish rag. There was something about Tigra-as-a-small-cat that I just could not handle.

Also of note is that every issue I read in this pile featured this Splatterhouse ad. Man, that game used to scare the crap out of me. And is it any wonder?

Grim!

John Would Have Bought Some of These Comics in 1990

Well, I would have if I hadn't been 10 and consequently broke. But yeah, what few comics I did buy at the time were not classics of the art. Why, I still remember my regret at selling that issue of New Mutants that Cable made his debut in - that thing was worth its weight in gold by the time I hit puberty. Anyway, tell the people what week it is, banner:

That's right: Nineties Week, wherein we take a look at that crazy mixed-up decade of shoulder pads and mullets and attitude and pouches.

Uncanny X-Men No. 268

Hey, this wasn't too bad! It's one of those stories that takes place half in the past and half in the present, with interconnections and stuff. Like Cryptonomicon, but without the math. Story A takes placee in 1941, with Wolverine and Captain America teaming up to rescue a young Natasha "Black Widow" Romanov from those kooky ninjas, the Hand, while Story B takes place in the now, with Black Widow and some X-Men teaming up to... do somethinng. I'm not to clear on what their goal was, actually, but they beat some guys up so it must have been vital.

Signs that it was the Nineties: Well, I almost just said "it's an X-Men comic" but that's neither accurate nor fair. There were only four x-titles on the market at the time - things were just beginning to heat up. However, Psylocke was in this one and with her big-titted, bad-attituded, teeth-gritting, stupid-power-having ways (psychic knife my ass) she was always a particular sign of the times, even though she had been around for a while. Also, 'Psylocke' is a stupid name.

Also, when Wolverine put an injured, unconscious Black Widow to bed he dressed her in sexy two-piece lingere, even though it is firmly established that he is like an uncle to her. gross.

Nick Fury, Agent of Shield No. 15

I know that I shouldn't be surprised every time that I read a comic from the 1990s and enjoy it, I know that. I like the Superman comics of the time and I like Aztek and all kindsa stuff. And yet I am, every time. I opened this comic expecting it to be really bad and instead got a decent little spy tale: Nick Fury infiltrates a top-secret contractor to find out how sensitive information is getting leaked and then ends up having to chase some guys into space with the help of the Fantastic Four. It's not classic spy stuff by any means - James Bond sure as heck never used the Human Torch in place of a rocket booster - but it's a fun time.

I especiallyliked the villains, by the way, because they weren't megalomaniacs or insane mutants or such, they were just a bunch of smart-but-not-brilliant technicians who knew that they would never make the innovative leaps necessary to become rich and/or famous in their field and so decided to grab what they could with what they had. In a world full of super-technology there should be more of that sort off thing.

Sign that it was the Nineties: This one wasn't too bad, aside from the abominable selection of haircuts on the front cover. There was a definite sign that it wasn't too far into the Nineties, however, as Nick Fury accepted a cigart from an attractive female aide and then made a suggestive remark but said not the words "intern" or "Lewinsky." Truely my mind was blown.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight No. 10

This was the issue from my Nineties bag that had me wanting to play these reviews like I was doing them during the decade in question.Thankfully, I realized that there were only so many times that I could type 'chromium' or 'edgy' or 'nice shoulder pads' with a straight... keyboard. Had I done so, though, many yuks would have been generated by making much of the writing styles of Mr. Grant Morrison and either claiming that he should never write Batman again. Or maybe that he should write  Batman forever.

But I didn't do that, and so we have number 5 in a five-part storyline dealing with a ne'er-do-well named Mr.. Whisper and his plot to... disease things. I have a soft spot in my heart for Legends of the Dark Knight, I must admit, but it's been a while since I read this one. Batman fights a guy, pulls some pretty great faces and then wins. Hooray!

Sign that it was the Nineties: Well, Bats is getting firmly into his "too busy to bleed, too big a dick to be nice to Alfred" phase. After getting run over by one or two subway cars he calls his beloved manservant and orders, "Alfred?... Gotham Cathedral. Now. And bring a band-aid."

Also, at the end he throws Mr. Whisper's heart into a lake. that's gritty right? Or is it grim?

Justice League of America No. 42

Hey, it's  that recruitment issue of Justice League! Witness as such Nineties DC characters as the latter-day El Diablo, the second Dove/original Hawk team and the just-barely stopped wearing purple and yellow Starman reject the League with a great swiftness! Read issues with a special bingo card, blotting off characters that have died in the meantime (let's see... counting characters that have died and came back... many, many more than are still alive. Heck, Booster's not even in this one)!

This was fun to read again - I like the "silly" era of the JLA, though I don't love it as much as some - and yadda and yadda. It's nice to see a concerted effort to keep some newer characters (of the time) in the eye of the JLA reader.

Sign that  it was the Nineties: Well, I'll just let the last panel, in which we learn that the new recruits are going to be New Gods Orion and Lightray, do most of the talking:

Oh, the trauma of those costume redesigns. Orion must have had, i don't know, a particularly attractive new girlfriend or something. Nobody should dress that badly after having a Kirby costume unless they're getting some in a serious way as a consequence. And maybe Lightray is growing his hair in solidarity? Someone thought that this was awesome and they were wrong.

While your brain is still screaming, I bid you good night.

Edit: I'm going to leave all of the typos in this one, as a warning to the people of the world: this is what happens when you cope with having to read a bunch of 1990s comics by drinking a bunch of Guiness. A deviation from regular high-quality standards!