Adscape 1: Captain Tootsie vs Nature

Oh how I enjoy the advertising mascots of the past, with their one-page adventures and monomaniacal outlook on life ("Only Grape Nuts can effectively stop those robbers, Timmy!") and so: Adscape, a place to discuss ads of the past.

Today, the first of what will probably end up being five or six looks at former Tootsie Roll mascot Captain Tootsie, the man who knows that a brief sugar rush is just the thing for any emergency. Specifically, we'll be looking at the Captain's troubling relationship with the beasts of the forest.

Here we find Captain Tootsie in the woods with the group of young children that constituted his Secret Legion of minor crime-fighters. Suddenly, an old man dressed like an 1800s frontiersman bursts into their campsite and tells them that there's a killer bear on the loose. Shortly thereafter, there's a disturbance at the local girls' camp - turns  out that the bear has stolen some food. Captain Tootsie has a couple of Tootsie Rolls for quick energy and then:

Bear: gunned down. Candy: distributed. Mountain Man: impressed.

I'm all for respecting the opinions of the elderly and the marginally insane, but did this bear - this fleeing bear - just die because Coon Tail Charlie called it a killer? Because the bear only really gets up to two things in this ad, stealing food and growling, and I'm pretty sure that those are half of a bear's job description, along with swiping salmon out of streams and riding the occasional tiny motorcycle. I guess that it's somewhat possible that Charlie had a scrapbook full of mauling-related newspaper clippings with him, but as far as I can tell this is a case of the good Captain really wanting to hang a large animal from a tree.

Another day, another camping trip. Oops, a rattlesnake. What's a Captain to do?

That's right, it's the old rock-to-the-brain maneuver.I guess that I'm not condemning this as much as I do the wanton bear-slaughter above. Rattlesnakes plus children often ends in tears after all. Still, this is a bit of a troubling pattern that is emerging (especially taking into account Tootsie's ability to capture a similar snake using only a stick, seen in the latter part of the same ad).

What really cements my opinion that Cap Toots should just stick to the cities and leave the fauna alone is this next one:

Another day, another nature hike. Note that they have not seen a bear. They have found fresh tracks and Captain Tootsie doesn't have a gun. What to do? Rapidly retreat in the opposite direction?

Not a chance.

Yup, that's right. Captain Tootsie hates nature so much that when he found himself without a way to kill a bear, he went out of his way to make sure that it was deprived of its freedom. They spent hours on that pit, folks. They could have been two counties over if Cap hadn't insisted.

And he does it all while staying on-message.

Truly a complex and fascinating man, Captain Tootsie.

Here, by the way, are the original ads: 1 2 3

The Future's so Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades When I Read Previews

I know the ISB has dissecting Previews covered, but I did at least five spit-takes reading this month's catalogue, so I had to write about it. It's full of crazy crap, as well as lots of stuff that I'm super stoked about. It's a rollercoaster ride of emotion.

First off, the cover:

Nope, those are not stautes. They're not busts, or action figures. These are photos of heads pasted onto the bottom half of busts. I know the July 2010 release means there's many months of sculpting time ahead, and believe me, I'm excited to see a little cold-cast plaster version of Vampire Bill. But seriously. Maybe wait until you have something substantial before you put it on the front cover? Even if it is the back front cover.

Who photoshopped this? Me? My cat? Actually, if Scrapperton did this, good job. But to anyone else, for shame.

I like how this is written like a newspaper headline; "Local Lad Krueger Makes Good in Neighbourhood Nightmares." This whole little piece of copy just rules. God, I'm seriously jealous. Writing for Previews is the best job in the universe. Especially making up the titles for those t-shirts.

Good lord, Marvel. This is some Krusty the Clown level merchandising. Do you have a sick mother in the hospital who desperately needs you to pay for an operation? Or do you have, say, a serious smack habit?

Hurray! Vertigo is making a figure of my favourite chocolate bar-loving, antler-headed cutie pie! A lil' Sweet Tooth to put on my bed side table!

OH. NO.

Ziggy is read by more than 75 million people every day. No joke here. Just a fact.

 

A phrase never spoken by anyone at LBW:

 

RASL #7? In February? So we've had like, one issue this year, but now THREE will come out in the next three months?

Riiiiiight. Maybe scientists will also discover that cheeseburgers are the best food for weight loss. And I'll inherit a cheeseburger factory. Jeff Smith, I love you. That's why your lies hurt me so.

BUT, you know what's exciting? Raina Telgemeier's comic about braces. And the first issue of the new Demo series!!! So awesome. In my head, Brian Wood and Becky Cloonan are BFFs who live together in a big comic-themed house and get into wacky, comics-related high jinx together. Could be true. You don't know.

See? A lot of ups and downs here. Well, until next month, Previews. Maybe in January you'll have learned not to put Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose on the same page as a bunch of kids comics. But don't go changin' just to suit me, Previews.

Here's How Blackest Night Ends

My little friend Orangu-Lantern is going to save the day, never you fear.

Now do you see why I had to buy Outsiders? Do you?

John Buys Comics

What a good week. This is my happiest comics-buyying week in a long time. Everything was so... satisfying.

Chris Wisnia’s Doris Danger Giant Monster Adventures

This is precisely what I’m talking about.

Giant monster comics are some of Johnathan’s favourite comics of yore, and they’re kind of special in that they don’t crop up all that often any more - it's not like wanting to read comics with ninjas in them or something. And so I buy them just about any chance I get.

Happily, a lot of the time the giant monster comics I buy are like this: written by people just as font of the damn things as I am. Arguably moreso, in fact, since I've never produced a series of comics about them. I'm still kind of surprised that I managed to miss out on Doris Danger Seeks Where Giant Monsters Creep and Stomp, but I guess that that's the joy of the collection, isn't it?

This is a glorious comic, just chock full of Silver-ish Age absurdities, like Doris' increasingly unlikely camera-breaking incidents (after all, the comic would have to change if she ever brought home proof), the labyrinthine plot-upon-plot development and constant editorial callbacks to earlier issues, and of course the giant monsters. Meanwhile, no effort has been made to replicate things like the era's portrayal of other peoples (okay, there are some stereotypical-style native, but they were really robots), an aspect of Silver and Golden Age comics that you just have to overlook when you're reading the real deal but that is just plain make-you-want-to-leave-the-room when someone tries to replicate it and isn't, say, Alan Moore. And sometimes even then.

Plus! A stupid number of awesome monster pinups by Mikke Mignola, the Hernandez brothers, Mike Allred, Tony Millionaire... So many great monster pictures.

The Tick New Series No. 1

I have to admit that I was a bit worried. I have noticed, over the long, cold years, that relaunches of humourous-type comic series have an unfortunate tendency… not to be good. There was a wee little portion of my brain that was steeling itself to see a minimally-illustrated book that relied on reheated jokes from earlier series and had no discernable direction. I mean, I knew Benito Cereno was better than that, but you just start getting twitchy after you see it happen enough.

But my warning signals were misfiring - probably I just got too close to a stack of old issues of Countdown or something - this is a fun reintroduction to the Tick. I mean, it's a Christmas comic, yes, and thus doesn't really have the option of getting too deep and plot-ful, but that actually works very well, as Cereno uses the "let's see how evertone is spending the holidays" schtick as an opportunity to establish just who is going to be playing a part in the series - a very good idea, what with all of the cartoon and live-action characters that certainly aren't going  to be showing up.

Anyway: fun, suitably Tick-ish, features Man-Eating Cow. Hooray!

Green Lantern No. 48/Blackest Night No. 5 - I am officially declaring Larfleeze the Sensational Character Find of 2009. I haven’t had the urge to buy an action figure for a very long time, but now I want a little Agent Orange of my own, to help me with my coveting. Very fun. Plus, this week basically explicitly confirms that at least some Black Lanterns will be returning to life (that and the fact that currently heart-freee Damage appearing in the  ad and preview for the new JSA series. Way to keep up the suspense, guys).

Creepy No 2 - I am honestly surprised at just how successful this revival of Creepy has been. No attempt has been made to fix what wasn’t broken, and thus I can sit back and read something like “Muscle Car”. My uncle’s old copies of Creepy and Eerie did a fine job of scaring the hell out of me when I was a child and I’m just pleased as punch to know that I’ll be able to offer the same kind of opportunities to any children that I may or may not end up having.

Chew No. 6 - As much fun as the Tony Chu/Mason Savoy dynamic was, the Enigmatic Mentor archetype was never half as fun as the Cop Who Knows When to Bend the Rules, which works out nicely because Chu’s old partner John Colby is back and just as entertaining as he was before getting knifed in the face in issue 1. Plus, he’s a cyborg now, with a USB jack in his face and everything. Chew is now a psychic/cyborg cop buddy comic set in an alternate Earth where chicken is illegal and the FDA is the most powerful law-enforcement body in the US - I swear, the better this thing gets the harder it is to explain.

Beasts of Burden No. 3 - My joy at there being another issue of this is leavened somewhat by the fact that I just found out that there will only be one more. I guess I know what my Seasonal Holiday wish to Grampy Tanglebeard will be this year.

This issue: Orphan in love! Rats! Mystery! If there’s a better comic about talking animals battling the supernatural then I don’t know what it is.

Detective Comics No. 859 - I didn’t really notice last issue, as I was all gaga over the excellent job that J.H. Williams III was doing of differentiating past and present artistically, but Greg Rucka is putting together a really solid origin for Batwoman, one that transcends the old “bored socialite fights crime” version without discarding it. Even if this was her unspoken origin from the start (and I did miss the series in which she got stabbed through the heart, so this might be a rehash) this is some really solid storytelling. Good show!

Arkham Asylum No. 2 (of 3) - Poor Dr. Arkham. Does he ever get a break? Maybe someday there will be a one-shot or a Bizarro Tale in which he just has a nice day and nobody escapes from the Asylum and eats someone. At least this has Mr Freeze in his underwear, hitting a guy with a bag of ice. How can you argue with that?

Superman: Secret Origin No. 3 (of 6) - I reckon that this is the second-best portrayal of Clark Kent acting the oaf that I know of (the first of course being All-Star Superman). It’s good to see that Johns is keeping the businessman aspect of the Byrne Lex Luthor, if not the fat part. I also enjoy the implication that Metropolis was just a terrible town until Superman showed up, like the worst stereotype of New York.

The Last Resort No. 4 - So the zombie-style folks in this comic are infected with a modified form of the Toxoplasmosis parasite (a wee beastie that you pick up from cats and that supposedly alters your behavior, making you more aggressive)? That’s actually pretty clever, and slightly eerie as we were talking about that very parasite at supper (this is exactly the kind of dinner conversation that you get when you date a pathologist. I once learned how to do an autopsy over lunch at the Elephant and Castle). As I theorized, the horror movie tropes are starting to make themselves known and the retribution is a-coming.

Superman No. 694 - Mon-El’s back! Mitch has a secret and it's not that he's gay!! The Parasite is in, like three comics this week!

Justice League of America No. 39 - Well, I bought it for the ring. I think that it officially put Firestorm’s girlfriend on the “girlfriend in a refrigerator” list, though. So now I have.. evidence?
 

Sears Wish Book 2009: Disappointing!

I like to check in with the Sears Wish Book each year to see what new and insane toys are available. This year was a bit of a disappointment because Sears has switched their online format to an interactive catalogue that does not offer large, downloadable images. Also, as toys become more like tech gadgets and less like toys, there is less to make fun of. The toy section of the Wish Book is frankly pretty boring these days.

But I did manage to find a few gems. You'll just have to click on the links to see larger images on the actual Sears site.

Star Wars  Count Dooku Force FX Lightsaber Collectible

Now, I will admit that I don't know much about this newfangled Star Wars all the kids are talking about, but...is Count Dooku...popular? Because this is the only lightsaber being offered in this year's Wish Book. And it's $120. And it appears to be bent. 

My First Craftsman Light-Up Air Compressor Set

Ah, I remember the Christmas that my parents bought me my first Craftsman light-up air compressor set. Seems like only yesterday I was using it to inflate the cat.

Step 2 Lifestyle Dream Kitchen

I know I have complained about these fake kitchen sets for young girls before, but seriously. This one is 160 damn dollars and it features a "stainless steel" oven as well as granite-styled counter tops. This shit is just insane.

There's also this:

My First Kenmore Beeping Timer Oven, Open-and-Close Refrigerator and Play-Spray Sink

Man, where are you even going to put all that? The entire My First Kenmore line is pretty upsetting. Mostly because they are all very crappy toys.

Interactive Toy Duck Hunter Indoor Flying Duck Hunt Game

And now I am going to switch categories completely by highlighting this crazy thing. From what I can tell, this is similar to the old Nintendo Duck Hunter game, except in this version you are shooting a fake gun at a fake robot duck that is madly flapping around your living room. And you will be a full-grown man while doing this, wearing camouflage gear. I can't think of a single thing that would make this a bad idea.

Fisher-Price Power Wheels Cadillac Escalade EX

Well this is sweet because now your toddler can pretend to be Missy Elliot or Avon Barksdale.

 

Moxie Girlz Jammaz Sleepover Kit

This kit claims to have everything you'll need for the best sleepover in town, but it looks more like everything you need to attend a 1973 Elton John concert.

Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo

This doll not only will consume fluid and wet itself...it also poops! And that is just disgusting.

Science Says You're Wrong if You Think That John Can Buy Comics and Write About Them in a Timely Manner

Funny thing is, I wrote this on time. I just get distracted so easily, this time by a "games jam" which involved a lot of people who  knew a lot more about programming than me making a game over the course of a night while I made little space ships. Here: as a consolation prize, one of the designs that didn't get used:

Enough of that malarky - on to the reviews!

Victorian Undead No. 1

I do so love being the target audience for something. Sherlock Holmes vs zombies with a side order of insidious automata? Yes please!

I have just now developed a theory as to why I so enjoy reading stories about Holmes encountering the fantastic. It might be due to the Victorian setting and an assumption about people of that era being a bit more credulous, but unlike the deductive brains of tales set in the here-and-now, our man Sherlock doesn’t let a little thing like something breaking the rules of science and nature as he understands them faze him in the least.

Like, say Batman, Brainiac 5 and Sherlock Holmes met an honest-to-goodness mummy. You can bet that Holmes would spend a fraction of the time that the other two did whining about things not making sense and talking about how they hate magic and claiming that it was a puppet or a hologram or a team of trained dogs. No, Holmes would maybe take a minute, maybe be a bit surprised and then figure out how mummies work. It’s why Holmes/Lovecraft mashups are so satisfying, I reckon - there’s just something about the guy that doesn’t let something as trivial as the unexplainable get in his way.

So: Victorian Undead. Looks great, reads great, looks like it's going to feature a lot of Holmes using his massive cranium to fight the undead. And did I mention the robots?

Adventure Comics No. 4

And speaking of being a target audience… This comic features a) the best damn appearance of Superboy Prime-as-fanboy ever. b) A twenty-years-later acknowledgement of the fact that White Witch and Blok are for reals in love with each other and c) a Quislet mention (because every Quislet mention brings us closer to having him actually appear in the comic again, that’s why). Plus both the White Witch and the Black Witch have those weird eye-antennae, and I’m always happy to see them put in an appearance.

The Legion stuff is no big deal, really, as I’d probably be happy to read a story about Cosmic Boy going grocery shopping as long as it was written in a halfway decent manner. The Threeboot Legion series ended on a fairly bleh note and everything featuring them since has been a BIG EVENT of some sort, so I can be very content with little tales that establish Johns’ version of the Legion. For now, at least.

As for the main story, well, it doesn’t get much better than Superboy Prime finding out about his impending maybe-death by reading Adventure Comics No. 4 and desperately trying to figure out what happens next. I haven’t been the biggest fan of the Black Lanterns’ habit of taunting people like third graders but by god is it satisfying when Alexander Luthor takes the time to really hammer home the fact that everyone hates Superboy Prime.

Outsiders No. 24

Okay, I admit it. I bought this so I could get the ring. Just call me Larfleeze, I guess. I just found myself in a position where my regular comics-buying would have netted me 6 of 8 rings and I was way too lazy to find one on eBay or trade with someone else or something like that.

Anyway, the comic. I’m pretty sure that the last issue of  Outsiders that I bought had the Nuclear Family on the cover, so I may just be a bit behind. It’s not bad. There’s the Creeper and Killer Croc with a tiny little arm, both of which are a good time. Plus I finally learned who it is that’s always wearing that Owlman getup when the Outsiders show up in crossovers, which was bugging me but not enough, evidently, to look it up.

The Flash: Rebirth No 5 (of 6)

Blech. This series has so damned infuriating. I generally like Geoff Johns, but it seems like every second issue - hell, every second page in this issue - just strikes such a false note with me. Last issue it turned out that all the whacky stuff with speedsters dying and Barry turning into the Black Flash was down to Professor Zoom being in the Speed Force generating anti-speed or something, and that is just fine. I liked the series more because of it: it’s such a classic goofy super-villain plot that plays perfectly off of the whole Reverse Flash thing, plus it ended up bringing Max Mercury back, so hooray there. But this issue? Man, I’m going to start a new paragraph because I need a

SPOILER ALERT

Reverse Flash is now responsible for every bad thing that happened in Barry Allen’s life? Reverse Flash killed Barry Allen’s mother and framed his father for the crime? I am dumbfounded by how… depressing this is. I mean, the point of this series is to redefine Barry in terms of the present day DCU, right? And the murdered mother thing has been a recurring plot point from the start, yes? So the redefinition is as a victim? A guy whose parents were killed by the most poorly-motivated, over-the-top jerk that could be blown out of proportion for the purpose? Is he going to be a dark specter of vengeance with dead parents now, rather than a decent guy who does right for the sake of it?

Underground No 3 (of 5) - I missed the second issue of this somehow but now everything is right with the world again. Plus, it’s turning out to be even better than I was expecting. I thought that it was going to be all small town crime drama, and that’s definitely an element, but the real focus of the story is just how effed up things can get inside a cave, especially when there are dumb assholes who don’t know what they’re doing in there with you. And also they’re trying to kill you.

Batman Confidential No. 37 - I think that I might have enjoyed this issue more if I hadn’t been so fond of Zinda “Lady Blackhawk” Blake in Birds of Prey, because she does not come off very well here. How shall I put this… she both looks and acts like a not-very bright porn star, and she’s so much cooler than that when done well. Plus I was looking at an ad for some Authority/WildC.A.T.S. crossover in Victorian Undead and I decided to start harshing on books where the ladies don’t wear pants more. Everyone should get to wear pants, guys.

Batman Unseen No 4 (of 5) - You guys, I think that there’s going to be an invisible Batman in the next issue. All of my dreams are coming true.

Cowboy Ninja Viking No. 2 - They’re really getting into the multiple personality aspect of the characters in this series, especially during the fight scenes between Cowboy Ninja Viking and Pirate Gladiator Oceanographer.

Invincible No. 68 - Just to confirm: this comic is still great. Dinosaurus is a terrific villain name. Though Atom Eve still doesn’t get to wear pants.