Old Man John Buys Comics

Man, I seem to have lost all of my ability to write, so brevity may be the order of the day. Also lateness, because of that durned Canada Day that we have up here.

Also, I had a birthday party last night. Rachelle gave me the Eric Powell "Smokers of the Marvel Universe" poster (edit: sorry, that should be "the Eric Powell sketchbook and the Chris Schweizer poster"), my old friend Boudreau gave me a ceramic coffee cup that looks like a paper coffee cup and girlfriend Erica got me the entire Annotated Sherlock Holmes! Because she is the best girlfriend ever!

Batman and Robin No. 2

Whew. Good, good. There was no horrific second-issue drop in quality, just the Morrison/Quitely comic fun that most of us love. All of the players are on-stage and acting true-to-character: Dick Grayson is agonizing about maybe not being able to step up as the Bat, Damian is being insufferable and violent, Alfred is making with the heart-to-heart talks and the villains are being extra Morrison-creepy. The GCPD is proving themselves a bit less brain-dead than the rest of Gotham by noticing that Batman and Robin have both lost some size (and more than a few years). My only real beef is that it's occasionally tough to figure out what's happening in some of the more action-packed panels, though the fact that the big fight is between Robin and a set of cojoined triplets probably contributes to this. Eh, no matter - even if I have to squint at a panel now and again this is such a satisfying comic.

Run! No. 3 - This chapter is entitled "Step Three: Betray Your Only Allies" and the Human Flame does not disappoint. Last issue he fell in with a group of super-lamers headed up by General Immortus and including old favourites like Condiment King, Sportsmaster and Mr. Polka Dot and newbies such as Phoney Baloney and Miss Army Knife. He gets taken in, fitted with integral flame throwers and welcomed into the fold. This issue, he does his very best to screw things up. Lots and lots of good villain dialogue, from Condiment King's running stream of battle-puns to Sportsmaster's bravado to Phoney Baloney's generically broken English. I think that at this point the question might be not *whether* the Human Flame dies at the end but *how*.

Strange Eggs Jumps the Shark

I have no idea if this is an ongoing thing or not - I've certainly never heard of it before but there seems to be some sort of basic scenario - a deliveryman named Roger Rodgers gives an egg to two kids and a creature and then something hatches out of it - that a whole slew of comic-making folks play with and subvert. Jhonen Vasquez is present, as well as James Turner.

Okay, now I see. Strange Eggs was an all-ages comic with the above plot that I totally missed out on and now it's being savaged by various folks. So there's the potential for a child to witness the horrific vision of Jhonen Vasquez! Fun! The quality is all over the place here but it's worth it for Turner's contribution, as well as the phrase "Maliki and Llama, Creationist boy detectives".

Chew No. 2 - I like this comic. I like the setup, the main character, the art. Psychic adventures in the service of the FDA, yeah! Plus, the mystery that was introduced in this issue wasn't solved by the end! Hurrah! Actual detecting in a detective comic? Plus occasional acts of cannibalism? Oh my duckies, this could be a good one. Also, this issue reveals that there are three cibopaths in the world: Tony Chu, his partner and a Russian agent who I'll bet a dollar will turn up for a fistfight sooner or later.

Greek Street No. 1

Oh, bleah. I'm going to have to disagree with Grant Morrison on this one. This is not a good comic. Hey, but at least Vertigo's new first issue pricing means that I only paid a dollar to find that out, right?

The idea behind Greek Street seems to be that stories happen over and over and hey, here are some modern retellings of the Greek myths. Now, about half an hour ago you could have gotten me pretty excited with that little summary - heck, I was a Classics minor - but then half an hour ago I hadn't read this thing. It's just so... poorly executed. Oh hey, Cassandra is a crazy Goth chick, yeah! The Furies are a gang who are big on retribution, okay! There goes a guy, sleeping with his mother! Not that I object to a little darkness in my comics, but ramp up to it a bit. Greek myths are full of murder and patri- fratri- matri- and infanticide but on the other hand they aren't generally told seven at a time. Maybe if all of the stories going on here were told individually instead of at the same time I'd like the new sping better.

No, I probably wouldn't, because the dialogue is terrible. Bah!

The Muppet Show No. 4 (of 4) - All done... So sad. Hope that there's more, because this was a great series. Highlight of the issue: Fozzie and Gonzo imitating chickens.

Irredeemable No. 4 - I'm liking this one as much as ever, though I really hope that the eventual revelation re: why the Plutonian went bad is a good one. Going from Superman-clone to these supreme levels of dickishness is going to have to have a pretty good trigger. I think that Waid can step up, probably. We'll see. Anyway, this issue is all about enjoying Qubit, the eccentric genius machine empath cheese lover. He's very enjoyable!

Rex Libris Book 2

This came out last week and I put it on my "longer than twenty pages" pile and promptly forgot to write about it. As a former and hopefully future library worker I love me some Rex Libris, and as a fan of big guys who solve problems with their fists I love him again. And then a third time because James Turner's art is great and unique and uniquely great. I've had a busier-than-usual week and so haven't gotten to finish it, but I'd have bought even if it were just a two-page pamphlet containing the scene where Rex attempts to classify the zombie that is about to attack him. Dammit, I wanted to quote the scene but I am evidently the least-organized man on Earth. Trust me, it's great.

Speaking of James Turner, the next issue of Warlord of Io, that very fun comic was supposed to come out around now but was scuttled by Diamond's brain-enraging new distribution requirements (i.e., they won't distribute anything without a certain number of pre-orders). But! Mr. Turner is planning on bringing out the full Warlord of Io story as a graphic novel some time in the future, and currently has the unreleased issue available online here.

Tales Designed to Thrizzle Volume One

This book works out very well for me, as I somehow missed this series until it hit issue five and hey! this collects issues one through four, in glorious colour! I'm about halfway through and I've already busted a gut at least twice, with one gleeful cry of "with a bitter whore!", if that tells you anything. As my compatriots pointed out at the comic shoppe yesterday, this is probably the best book in a while to give as a gift, for basically anyone with a decent sense of humour.

Far Arden - As I said, I've had a lot to read this week, so Kevin Cannon's new book hasn't even been opened since I bought it. I'm mentioning it anyway, because I read one page in the store and was sold. On this page, a man was eaten by a bear, with the sound effect HUMAN-SIZED BITE! How could I resist? HOW? I'll be reading it this week - let's see if I can muster up the neurons to remember to tell you how it is (I'm guessing that it's going to be great). Update: I read the first chapter this morning and it is great.

Happy Canada Day!

It's Canada Day, so we're on vacation (and we don't get our comics until tomorrow).

In the meantime, may I suggest these Canada-themed posts from our archives?

Rating the Super Hunks: Wolverine

Doctor Doom Takes Off to the Great White North

2009 Shuster Awards Nominees Announced!

Archie Sunday: Canada Here We Come!

Grant Morrison 1, Jeph Loeb 0

Veronica in Canada

May I also suggest watching Loverboy videos all day on YouTube? 

May I also suggest looking at pictures of baby beavers?

However you choose to celebrate, Happy Canada, everyone!

(And also, happy birthday to my brother Luke!)

Wonder Woman is Not Lame

There has been a lot of talk around the internet this past week on the subject of Wonder Woman and how lame she is. This is thanks to Hollywood it-girl Megan Fox's recent dismissal of rumours that she will be cast as the Amazon Princess. Her response:

“Wonder Woman is a lame superhero… She flies around in her invisible jet and her weaponry is a lasso that makes you tell the truth. I just don’t get it. Somebody has a big challenge on their hands whoever takes that role but I don’t want to do it.”

What weaponry do you have, Megan Fox? And what colour is your jet?

I sincerely hope that no one in Hollywood offered the role to Ms. Fox. As nicely as I am sure she could fill out the costume, I don't think she has the acting abilities to pull off a lead role, let alone a character as iconic as Wonder Woman.

Noted internet mega-douche Rich Johnston recently submitted a post about Wonder Woman by Adisakdi Tantimedh to BleedingCool.com. It includes absurd statements like:

"She only does two things: hit people or tie people up."

"Frank Miller found some spark recently by depicting her as a ball-busting bitch who secretly wants to be taken, preferably by Superman (since he’s the only one strong enough to be able to beat her up)"

"So for more than half a century, DC Comics has been marketing a scantily-clad dominatrix to children. She’s a heroic dominatrix, and she does it for free, so I guess that’s all right."

Most of the post seems to be arguing that, because Wonder Woman was created by a man with a bondage fetish, she is not capable of being developed past that point. Much like fans don't hold Superman's silver age dickery against him now (because it was the god damn 1950s and 60s), I think we can look beyond the flaws of Wonder Woman's early comics. When I say we need to overlook the bad Wonder Woman comics, I realize that this means overlooking a lot of comics, but that's ok because by doing so we'll discover the delicious centre of this character. With regard to her costume being silly...is it? Really? Is it more ridiculous than any other super hero costume? Is that really an obstacle to enjoying the character or taking her seriously?

Like ANY character, Wonder Woman is as good as the person writing her. When she is written well, she is a compelling and inspiring heroine.

Wonder Woman is a lot of things, but she is certainly not lame. Here's a run-down:

Wonder Woman is Royalty

She is Princess of the Amazons, carved from clay by her mother and given life by the gods. Joining her in this category are non-lame heroes such as Namor the Sub-Mariner, Aquaman, Orion and Black Panther. Not only is she royalty, she is on a first-name basis with the gods.

Wonder Woman is a Leader

Like Superman, Batman, or Captain America, Wonder Woman commands awe and respect when people encounter her. She has gotten this reaction from children, the citizens she rescues, the villains she beats up, and fellow super heroes. She can not only lead an army into battle, she can also take on the role of a teacher to her fellow Amazons, and to some of the younger heroes in the DCU.

Wonder Woman is a Warrior

I feel that this, above all others, is Wonder Woman's defining characteristic. Her instinct is to fight, to kill if necessary, and to lead her army into battle. She is not a detective, a scientist, or a mild-mannered reporter. She is the DC Universe's most ruthless warrior and most capable battlefield commander. She makes the hard decisions that Superman and Batman don't want to know about. She has a magic lasso and an invisible jet, and she also has a shield and sword, bullet-deflecting wristbands, and, oh yeah, superstrength, stamina and the ability to fly.

Wonder Woman is a Government Agent

It's easy to forget that Wonder Woman has a pretty impressive day job. Like Sgt. Fury, Mr Terrific, or Iron Man, Diana Prince fights to protect humanity even out of costume. And let me remind you that she is working to protect a world that she doesn't have to care about at all. She could be home on Paradise Island, eating grapes and lounging beside the pool. She is a princess, afterall, but she is a princess with a punch card.

Wonder Woman is an Outcast

Like Superman, Captain America, or Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman is living outside of her comfort zone. She was sent as an ambassador to "man's world," she fought in World War II, she was banished from Paradise Island for making a difficult decision, she was shunned by the Justice League for making a difficult decision more recently. Now she has chosen to isolate herself from her fellow Amazons once again. Wonder Woman has long suffered for her habit ignoring the rules in favour of doing what needs to be done.

Wonder Woman is a Hero

Wonder Woman doesn't have to waste her time at boring Justice League meetings, but she does it anyway. She is often given a third-place standing in the DC Heroes Trinity, but when you really think about it, an Amazonian princess sculpted by the gods clearly outranks an alien who has super powers by fluke chance and a miserable billionaire with too much time on his hands.

I love Wonder Woman because she doesn't brood. There is nothing emo about her. She is, in fact, one of the toughest sumbitches in comic books, yet still manages to have a comforting motherly aura.

Wonder Woman is loved. By me, by her fellow super heroes, by her fellow Amazons, and by the world. Her importance to the DCU cannot be overstated.

We don't need a Wonder Woman movie. I'd love to see one, but not so badly that I would settle for Megan Fox.

"You'll Have To Hire A Lot Of New People." Special Advance Review of Darwyn Cooke's Parker: The Hunter!

It seems as though writer/artist Darwyn Cooke has been a fixture of the comic industry a lot longer than he has. Consider this—his breakthrough graphic novel, Batman: Ego, was released a mere nine years ago, showcasing a creative sensibility already finely honed by years spent in design and animation. Since then, Cooke has increased his profile with his work on Catwoman (first with the original graphic novel Selina’s Big Score, and followed by penciling duties on the most recent run of the ongoing series), his epic re-imagining of the Justice League’s origin in the New Frontier miniseries, and his relaunch of Will Eisner’s The Spirit. Cooke entered the comics field with a clear idea of what he wanted to do and how he wanted it done, and that straightforwardness of purpose has never been more clear than in his latest graphic novel, an adaptation of Richard Stark’s (AKA Donald Westlake) first Parker novel, The Hunter, available at finer comic and book stores everywhere July 22.

The Hunter formed the basis for the 1967 film Point Blank, starring Lee Marvin, and 1999’s Payback with Mel Gibson. However, unlike its cinematic ancestors, Cooke’s graphic novel sticks to the book’s plotline exactly, following tough-as-nails professional thief Parker as he punches, chokes, stabs, and shoots his way to the top of a criminal organization known alternately as the Outfit, the Syndicate, or the Organization. We learn through various flashbacks that Parker was betrayed and left for dead on his last job by both his wife and his fellow thieves, and after a stint on a work farm for vagrancy, Parker hits the mean streets of New York looking for satisfaction (and the $45,000 that constitutes his end of the job’s take). As Parker works his way up the food chain, he learns that the money from the heist was used to pay off an outstanding mob loan, which means that the only way for him to get it back is to shake down the Organization for it. Outnumbered and outgunned, Parker nonetheless meets the criminal conspiracy head on, bumping off various lieutenants and assorted underlings in order to instigate a final showdown.

In the first of four proposed hardcover Parker graphic novels for IDW publishing, Cooke has stripped his style down to the bare essentials, in a way that matches Stark’s famously blunt prose. The only colour that appears is a gunmetal blue tone, and even the panel borders have disappeared. The result is a sparse, high-contrast look that resembles images glimpsed in the muzzle flash of a pistol. The book’s 1962 setting allows Cooke to run wild with the kind of settings and fashions that clearly grip his imagination. The confident, no-nonsense storytelling doesn’t lead you by the hand—for instance, at one point Parker uses a pocket knife to disfigure a corpse before hiding it, and we don’t learn why for several more pages. However, there’s never any doubt that we will learn why, and that the answer will make perfect sense. As a character, Parker is wholly unsympathetic; at one point, he accidentally kills an innocent woman while attempting to subdue her. He doesn’t even really register remorse over this, but instead finds a way to use her death to create a distraction that brings him closer to his prey. Stark and Cooke never ask us to empathize with Parker, though—we’re merely witnesses to his relentless pursuit of what he sees as fair retribution. Readers seeking morally upright, or at least morally conflicted, protagonists might want to look elsewhere. The Hunter feels exactly like the book Darwyn Cooke was born to do, in terms of setting, characters, and subject matter. Reading it, you can tell he had the time of his life creating it, and that kind of enthusiasm is always infectious.

Archie Sunday: Veronica tries to do something nice

In this week's Archie Sunday installment, from Veronica #143 (October, 2000) Jughead feigns heterosexuality to thwart Veronica's attempts to do the first authentically nice thing she's ever done in her life.

It starts when Veronica, a lonely only child hidden under a bitchy exterior of wealth and vanity, feels left out when Betty arrives at the beach with her sister.

As an aside, I like how in the Archie universe the siblings of the main characters can age, but not the core characters themselves.

Veronica finds someone she can talk to on the beach: Jughead's kid sister, Jellybean.

Jughead is pretty uninterested in the whole thing. He chooses a picnic basket over his sister:

After Veronica selflessly plays frisbee with the kid for, oh let's say hours, Jellybean sets a playdate with her new friend:

 That diabolical bitch!

 

Well of course you do, Jughead. You're a giant douchebag.

Things start to take a wrong turn, I guess, when Veronica starts playing with Jellybean into the wee hours of dinnertime:

"Enough is enough!" says the Jones family, oddly.

Which bad habits is Jellybean picking up? Selflessly sharing your time with children? Accessorizing? Anyway, Jughead has a crazy plan:

You are a weird and terrible guy, Jughead. But, hey, at least you've crushed your little sister's happiness.

Open Up For the Dog Extermination Squad!

Well, it's Sunday morning. Once more I have proved myself very bad at preparing something in advance of a busy day. Ah well. We're dipping into the Sack of Silver Age Strangeness today and hauling out Superboy No. 126, because I know that you all want to learn about Krypto the Super-dog's family tree and because stuff this dumb practically writes about itself.

Under the flimsy pretense of trying to figure out why Krypto is frightened of a tiny bug, Superboy uses some of his amazing technology to look into his pet's earliest memories and ends up listening to his father Jor-El give a mini-lecture about the new puppy's family tree. A really detailed lecture, actually, given that up to the age of five or six Kal-El was basically about as smart as Bizarro on nitrous oxide.

Jor-El starts off by telling the tale of Krypto's father, who lived with a little girl in Zaro city and was named, well, Zypto.

 Now, obviously the people of Zaro City are insane. I have a theory that it served as some sort of massive asylum for the people of Krypton ("Granpapa just wouldn't stop watering the cat, kids, so we had to send him to Zaro City"). I mean, here's a city on a planet that was dedicated to science, right? They were ruled by a Science Council, for Rao's sake. And yet their first response to their dogs getting sick after bing struck by lightning isn't quarantine or a search for a cure, it's DOG EXTERMINATION SQUADS. Join the Dog Extermination Squad, for a satisfying, meaningful career.

Valla's father, who as far as I can tell is named Dik-Ki, demonstrates that maybe Jor-El wasn't such a revolutionary problem-solver as we had thought. Or perhaps Kryptonians had some sort of built-in impulse in times of stress to put something in a vehicle  and get it as far away as possible, fast! I mean, think about how many times Superman has flung something into space or tossed it in the ocean and then considered the problem solved. I'll bet that the Kryptonian wheel was invented by a man who lived at the top of a hill and had a stressful family life.

Of course, Kryptonians also seem to have uncannily good aim, as demonstrated by Zypto's surprise appearance at the Zak-Zil Aviary ("Zak-Zil Aviary: we cram birds into the smallest cages we can! Come see the parrots cry!") Professor -Zil seems to bear out my theory about the inhabitants of Zaro City: he's spent years and years and who knows how much money and how many birds making a serum  that should give him wings, but hasn't even thought to test it in any way other than by slugging it back himself.

Ugh. Ag. "Distillation from the glands of a thousand birds," skeezes me out. It's very similar to the origin of Man-Bat and half a dozen other Silver Age animal-based superfolks and it conjures terrible images into my head, either of a thousand birds (or bats, or ocelots) having lots of problems in life because someone has removed their adenoids or similar. Of course, the alternative is to picture Zak-Zil maniacally feeding a thousand birds into some sort of giant juicing machine, so having a them sadly lining up across my mind's eye, waiting for their thyroid medication and gently coughing, is maybe preferable.

So Zypto was now a winged dog. He went back home and it turns out that the people making up the Dog Extermination Squad were dumb enough to believe that he was some type of dog-like bird. Which makes sense, really. I mean, think of your relatives: which one is most likely to end up in a Dog Extermination Squad?

You picked the dumbest one, didn't you? Just goes to show.

So Zypto has wings for a while and then he loses them when he fans some radioactive gas away from his owners.Everything's neat and tidy.

Now Zypto's father, Nypto, he was Dik-Ki's dog when he was a boy:

Dik-Ki had trained Nypto as a meteorite-hunting dog, which must be pretty tricky outside of an asteroid belt. Also, I have to assume that he dyed that poor beast. That's the sort of thing that kids get up to, right? you've got a meteor retriever, so he'd better look the part, all blue with crazy spots?

Sent after  a fireball in the sky one night he finds not a chunk of space-rock but a pair of green and hunched aliens who have a truly diabolical scheme:

They're going to steal a couple of fish! Truely, these intergalactic tyrants put Mongul and Darkseid to shame with their awful schemes. Give an alien a giant fish, as they say, and he'll... eat that fish and be happy. Damn his blue and terrible bones!

I don't know if I can take any alien seriously when he's holding a fish bowl liike that. Do Skrulls keep pet fish? Is that why I could never quite take them seriously, or is it the chin corrugations? Actually, the most menacing alien that I've encountered recently in a comic book is Starro the Conquorer, which I call ironic. In any case, they want to eat dogs, so I guess they must be evil, despite their piscophilic tendencies. 

Really, though, from what I hear, dog is a horrible thing to eat. Maybe these guys could go legit with their meat-wrangling business, taking things like skunk and hagfish and such off the hands of butchers across the galaxy. Or processed ham, that's pretty unbearable.

The dog-chase rages on, with Nypto desperately fleeing for his very steaks, until he gets a great idea:

Pork! No alien can resist pork!

Also, every planet in the universe has the same basic life-forms? Are there pigs on Mars, except that they're red and can levitate? Fire-breathing pigs on the moons of Alpha Centauri IV? A race of amorphous pigoids living under the frozen ammonia sheets of Strompar Maximus? Do I like a universe with infinite variations on the porcine form more or less than one without? A man could go mad envisioning the many variations on the gentle pork chop alone.

Philosophical musings on the nature of intergalactic ham aside, the story ended in a fairly standard manner, as Nypto lured the aliens close enough to a magnetic mountain to wreck their ship and send them fleeing in their two-man-no-dogs escape craft. Their evil scheme foiled, the aliens returned to their world to watch their people starve to death.

Finally, we have Vypto, Krypto's great-grandfather, and his super-boring story. See, Vypto was a normal dog, except for the fact that he could apparantly dive one mile underwater. Now, it's possible that the Kryptonian mile was actually about six metres or something but any way you slice it I'd call that extraordinary. Vypto spots some treasure on the sea floor and then gets mixed up with some crooks that are searching for it and fools their telepathic hounds by scaring them with a picture of a scary bug that his owner drew.

The important part of this whole stoy? Jor-El took the time to track down the picture of tthe scary bug and show it to Kal-El and Krypto, and that's the origin of why Superman's dog is scared of a bug. Damn you, Silver Age. And damn you for your dog-naming conventions, too. I love you, but it's going to take me a little time to get over this.

One final note: this wan't a last-minute, the-story-that-the-regular-guy-handed-in-has-Superboy-eating-kittens-oh-god-get-the-mail-boy-to-write-something kind of thing.

Yep, they planned this debacle. Uh, enjoy the hobby shop comic that I forgot to edit out.

Happy Sunday, folks.