Archie Sunday: It's Twins!

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Sheesh, Archie Comics, spoiler alert! By putting "It's twins!" on the cover, you are effectively removing any suspense this comic may have provided otherwise.

This is the third installment in the What If Archie Marries Veronica? storyline that has captured the hearts of dreamers everywhere.  It's been moving at a breakneck pace, with Archie proposing in the first issue, marrying her in the second issue, and becoming a father in the third. Where else can it go from here? We'll get to the (unsurprising) conclusion in a minute.

But first, let's break down a bit of this issue, which, much like the other two issues of this series, were riddled with unfunny jokes, confusing and overly-complicated scenarios, and fairly lousy art. And these, frankly, are not what I expect to find in an Archie comic.

We can start with the young couple telling Archie's parents that they are going to be grandparents soon. Mrs Andrews is thrilled, while Dad seems happy, but is also concerned about whether or not Archie is ready to responsibly raise a child (or two! Spoiler!). Archie says the right thing to his dad to reassure him:

Ok, maybe Archie's dad missed this piece of information somewhere, but Archie married Veronica Lodge, whose father is richer than God. I don't really think a college fund is necessary. Couldn't Archie just dump a million dollars in an account somewhere right now? Does he really need to save on a long-term plan?

Anyway, before the Andrews family can further discuss unnecessary plans, the ol' Riverdale gang busts through the door with some ridiculous promises:

Where the hell is Dilton? He could actually teach the kid something useful. "I'll train him to be sneaky"? Oh, Reggie. This is all you have to show for your life. I do like Jughead's shirt, though. And Moose's zigzag-front jacket.

Archie and Veronica head over to Daddy Lodge's house, where he sorta proves my point about the college fund thing.

Now here's the thing: with both parents the topic of university for the kid comes up, but there is nothing tying these two conversations together. I don't even think the writer realized what he did.

Off to prenatal classes!

Archie and Veronica get a psychotic nurse teaching the class:

To be fair to Archie, those were barely jokes at all.

Veronica comes down with a cold later on, so Jughead fills in for her at a future birthing class. I don't think it's necessary for him to wear the pillow. Or to do any of this:

When the big day finally does come, Archie is so flustered he leaves for the hospital without Veronica!

Veronica is so cool about it. I hope I'm that calm when my own baby drops. Too bad Archie counters Ron's coolness by uttering a very creepy sentence in the following panel.

WHAT. IS. PLAN. B, ARCHIE?!

They get to the hospital ok, and the family plus Jughead, who still looks kinda pregnant, gather in the waiting room. They spend a few panels trying to guess the gender of the baby, but of course the readers already know it's TWINS!

Finally they get to find out that the baby is TWO BABIES! And they are 2-years old!

Now, Veronica is very wealthy, so I assume she would have a pretty decent medical team working on this pregnancy. So I really can't believe that she didn't know she was having twins.

This issue ends with a bunch of melodramatic crap, including TWO FULL PANELS of Archie reading Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken in its entirety to his kids at bedtime. And then on Christmas night he goes for a walk and ends up at the forked road where he found himself  at the beginning of this series. He walks the ROAD NOT TAKEN and guess what:

I think we all saw this coming. I am looking forward to Veronica being a real bitch about this development. And then maybe it will be followed by ARCHIE MARRIES JUGHEAD!

John Buys Comics and Oh Man I'm so Hungry I Can't Think Up a Title

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Three things from last week, as I did not get my ass in gear in time to write much of anything:

a) The Anchor No.1 - A fine entry in the “big dude who punches the supernatural” style that I love so much. I’ll pick up numba two and go into more detail then.

b) Hector Plasm: Totentanz - Really fantastic. I shall be tracking down the earlier Hector Plasm collection. Chris Sims hit all of my major points in his review of the book, so go read that and imagine that at the end I pipe in with a muted “Yeah.”

c) Hellboy: The Wild Hunt No. 5 - Holy crap! So great. Don’t wait for the trade on this series, guys. The last issue is in a couple of weeks, so watch out for me spewing praise in this space.

Four! Four things!

d) Grandville - Okay, this came out a couple of weeks ago but I just read it. It’s amazing, on about a hundred levels. The art is marvelous and amazingly detailed, the characters are well-realized and compelling, the giant fight scenes are actually followable and not a tangle of limbs that must be worked out like a magic eye puzzle. Add in some terrific shout-outs to Hergé and the Rupert comics and such and it’s just a delight to read. Non-comics-reading Erica (and every time I use her as an example her designation as such gets a little flimsier, I realize) got at least as worked up about how good this was as she did about the resistance that some of my workmates have to vaccination (if you know a doctor and you want to take a break from talking for a while, just ask them their opinions on such things - fun!). Anyone who enjoys adventure-style comics should check this out, if only in-store.

Dang it, five things. Batman No. 691 turned me off enough that there’s going to be a six hundred and ninety-SECOND ISSUE OF JUDGEMENT.

Now, on to this week:

Cowboy, Ninja, Viking No. 1

So it’s a recognized thing (by me, at least. Maybe you weren't paying attention or something) that over the last decade or so all of the classic character archetypes of our childhoods have been fermented and distilled on the Internet until things like Talk Like a Pirate Day or Zombie Walks spill out into the non-electronic world. And of course they bleed into comics as well - Dr McNinja, say, or Scurvy Dogs - often enough nowadays that you can start to get a bit wary when something is described as “Monkeys versus Ninjas… Zombie Ninjas! On the Moon!” Is it going to be good reading or did someone get a bit lazy and just throw concepts together until it sounded marketable?

I point this out to illustrate my state of mind when I saw that there was an upcoming comic called Cowboy Ninja Viking: wary and guarded. Man, these are three of the classic stock characters - was someone just picking names out of a hat in an attempt to entrap folks like me? My brow furrowed further when I read the plot synopsis: a guy with Multiple Personality Disorder who had three personalities - the titular Cowboy, Ninja and Viking - and who had been trained as an assassin by an ill-conceived government program. This was either going to be great or terrible.

Happily, it’s looking like it’s going to be pretty great. The art has the necessary chops (and check out that cover image - very nice) and the set-up was taken care of without spilling into issue 2. There were a few too many jumps in time for my taste - the lack of a full colour palette tended to make things like changes of location a bit hard to follow and forced me to flip back and forth a fair deal to resolve exactly what was going on and who was talking and so forth. The use of iconic word balloons to differentiate the CNV’s personalities was very, very cool. There’ll be a SECOND ISSUE OF JUDGEMENT on this one, but honestly it’s just because I’d like to wait and check out the characterization a bit more before jumping in with both feet.

Oh, to hell with caution. The main character is a cowboy AND a ninja AND a Viking, after all - this is probably going to be awesome.

Final Crisis Aftermath: Dance No 6 (of 6)

So RUN! dealt with the issue of the Human Flame and his continued evasion of justice (by making him super-powerful, having him defeat himself by his own hubris and ending up with him imprisoned on an asteroid), Escape tackled the finality of Final Crisis (by reinstating the Global Peace Agency as an extradimensional/extratemporal organization dedicated to heading off Crises before they occur), Ink is dedicated to either hazing the new Tattooed Man until he becomes a villain again or proving his heroism through a super-duper baptism of fire. What about Dance?

The Super Young Team were one of the more fun elements of Final Crisis, at least for me, and I was all for this series, whose goal seemed to be establishing them as heroes rather than just super-powered club kids. And that’s basically what happened, I guess. Kind of. Not really. Actually, not at all.

According to this issue, the Super Young Team has learned to work together and have found their places in the world and yadda yadda. As far as I can tell, though… there have been no actual changes in the characters (in fact, there’s been a bit of a reversion, since Big Atomic Lantern Boy screwed up his budding relationship with Shiny Happy Aquazon and is back to pining for her). There is no visible evidence to support the fact that the team has changed in the least.

I get that this series has been an overt examination of the celebrity aspect of super-herodom and that the characters must thus be infused with shallowness and soap opera and so forth but GAWD was it unsatisfying to read six issues and end up liking the characters less at the end. Intentional of not, I say bleah to that. Bleah.

Beasts of Burden No. 2 - I have no desire to ruin one second of this comic for anyone. All I’ll say about it is that as many horror comics as I read (and I read a lot of horror comics) this is the first one in quite a while to genuinely creep me out. I won’t be awake all night or anything, mind, but I did get that creepy feeling. Just a fantastic comic on all levels. Especially Mr. Pugsley: “Devil’s Well, huh? More like Devil’s Ass. This place sucks.”

Oops, didn't get anything else read. Good night everybody!

The JLA hits the streets in style!

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Now I believe, left to right, that we are looking at Green Lantern, The Flash, Aquaman, Batman, Superman, The Atom and Hawkman.

And now, left to right, I will review what they are wearing.

Green Lantern

If you were the Green Lantern, and your super hero costume was a high-collared green top and some black pants, would you choose to wear a green turtleneck and black pants for your street clothes? Basically he is only missing the flimsy domino mask here. That's a poor disguise, Hal.

The Flash

Ah, Barry Allen. A man of no style. Or, at least, a man of very conservative style.

Actually, I say that, but if I saw a man wearing a yellow or gold three-piece suit, I would think it was pretty daring.

Aquaman

As if it even matters what anyone else is wearing because the only guy you are going to notice in this crowd is Aquaman. This daring number seems to boast "Hey, Green Arrow, THIS is how you wear a lace-up shirt." It's possible, of course, that Aquaman really has no idea what "street clothes" are. And who could blame him?

Superman

We can't see Clark Kent from the neck down here, but let's assume he's wearing an over-sized, rumpled affair that his mom bought him. Or we can pretend that he is hiding behind Bruce Wayne because he is embarrassed to be wearing the same outfit as Aquaman. Whatever you prefer.

Batman

Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce MF Wayne. Here's a man who looks like a million bucks, because he spent a million bucks on his coat. And this really works as a disguise because you wouldn't look at this guy and think "I'll bet he's Batman." You think "I'll bet Batman wants to be this guy."

The Atom

We can't really see what The Atom is wearing. In fact, I am not even sure that is The Atom. I just assume it is. It could just be some guy running for the train who got caught up in the JLA posse at this exact moment.

Hawkman

So what has caught Hawkman's attention? An attractive lady perhaps? A police siren? I would actually guess that it's his own reflection in a shop window, because he looks so damn gooooood. He's just strutting down the street, singing his private themesong in his head ("Hawkman is swinging, Hawkman is swinging, Hawkmaaaaaan... Hawkman swinging") wondering if he should maybe undo another button. The fact that he's wearing a shirt at all, and not wearing wings and a hawk mask, makes this a pretty good disguise.

Panel taken from Justice League of America v.1 #89, one of the most insane and self-indulgent comics ever written.

Smell My Feet, Indeed.

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Oh man, do I love Halloween. Not only do I get to dress up in a ridiculous costume (hopefully this year, I can pull off Hawkeye—no, not Alan Alda or Daniel Day-Lewis, but Clint Barton), but I can also use the time of year as an excuse to watch as many horror flicks as I can in my free time. Honestly, I try to do that all year round anyway, but throughout the month of October, it’s officially sanctioned, nay, encouraged! So, for my next few posts, I’ll be updating about whatever spook-a-blasts make their way into my DVD player. I’ll look for the comic book connections wherever I can find them, I promise.

TRICK R TREAT

This movie, written and directed by X2/Superman Returns screenwriter Michael Dougherty and produced by Bryan Singer, was originally supposed to be released theatrically a few years back (I first saw the trailer when I was living in my last apartment, which would most likely make it 2007 or so). Warner Brothers pulled it from their schedule at the last minute, saying it would be released the following year, then…nothing. It kept getting pushed back further and further, all the while building up fan buzz from special screenings and convention appearances by the director and stars. It finally came to DVD riding a crazy crest of hype two weeks ago. I suppose I can justify this one, since it’s made by a couple of guys with high profile comic book movies under their belts, and it pays tribute to stuff like EC Comics with its structure and comic-style opening credits (much of the action takes place on Warren Street, presumably named for the publisher of Creepy, Eerie, and Vampirella). Also, DC/Wildstorm produced a graphic novel adaptation, so there you go.

The sort-of anthology style film follows four intertwined tales of terror that take place in the same neighbourhood on All Hallows’ Eve. Dylan Baker plays a murderous school principal, Anna Paquin appears in a redo of "Little Red Riding Hood", an urban legend about a school bus full of drowned troublemakers figures into a nasty prank, and a mean old man who hates the holiday is tormented by a diminutive, sack-headed spirit of Halloween (I think that’s what he’s supposed to be, anyway).

I really do feel like the filmmakers had their hearts in the right place with this one; clearly, they love the Halloween season and all the morbid traditions that surround it. Sadly, this movie, which somehow manages to feel way too long even though it only lasts 82 minutes, missed the mark for me. None of the four stories feel very developed in any satisfactory way, and their quality is uneven as all hell. The opening segment with Dylan Baker ends far too quickly on an unsatisfying twist, but then his character returns in the Anna Paquin segment in a way that doesn’t fit his earlier modus operandi at all and feels at odds with the Red Riding Hood legend. The segment about the school bus has promise, but is a bit half-baked, and the comeuppance the pranksters receive seems pretty harsh. Bryan Cox nearly saves the final installment with his raspy, wheezy, performance as mean old Mr. Kreeg, but we’re barely introduced to him before he’s being terrorized by the mischievous imp, so why should we care what happens to him? There’s also a framing sequence involving a grown-up couple who go trick-or-treating, which is confusing enough already, but then gets even more confusing when one of them meets an awful fate (at the hands of sack-headed “Sam”) for no apparent reason. The type of horror stories the film is attempting to evoke have a certain Old Testament flair to them, where bad people are punished in suitably gruesome, ironic fashion, but the evils that befall Trick R Treat’s cast seem way too arbitrary to work as an homage.

Trick R Treat is a very well made picture, with a better-than-average cast, eye-catching cinematography, and lots of spooky atmosphere. However, Dougherty and company spent too much time focusing on the style when they should have paid better attention to the substance. Not one character leaves an impression, and not one plot twist or scare is memorable. It’s like they made a movie that you could play on a big screen at a high school Halloween dance, where you don’t have to worry about following the plot but will be treated to some appropriately seasonal imagery if you turn towards it once in a while. Trick R Treat’s glossy production may go down like so much Halloween candy, but its lack of a nourishing screenplay gave me a tummy-ache.

PS: If you’ve really got a hankering for this sort of thing, do yourself a favour and check out 1982’s Creepshow, written by Stephen King and directed by George A. Romero. It pulls off the EC comics horror anthology homage much more successfully, with lots of tongue-in-cheek humour, awesome makeup effects by Tom Savini and a great cast that includes Adrienne Barbeau, Ted Danson, Ed Harris, Leslie Nielsen, Hal Holbrook, and even King himself! Bonus points if you can scare up a copy of the graphic novel adaptation, illustrated by genre legend Berni Wrightson.

 

LBW Product Watch, Hallowe'en Edition

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Parents, are you concerned for the safety of your children this Hallowe'en? Don't be afraid to admit it, it's only natural. What with all of the pretend monsters, murderers and misanthropes thronging the streets, how could event the most astute of children be expected to pick out and avoid any real ones that might come along? That's why we here at Living Between Wednesdays* are pleased to endorse what we believe to be the perfect way to keep your child safe no matter what supernatural menaces might lurk in the night (or possibly late afternoon if you live in one of those wussy communities).

SOLOMON KANE

That's right, Robert E. Howard's Puritan adventurer himself, with more than six decades of globe-trotting monster massacre under his belt and a no-nonsense commitment to justice and right that will ensure that he will not stop until your offspring are safe, or at the very least avenged.

Why, just look at a few of Kane's areas of expertise:

PIRATES

Yes, with pirate popularity showing no signs of abating completely, one can never be sure if the Johnny Depp-lookalike staggering down the street is a mere reveler or an actual pirate, drunk on the rum. Solomon Kane can tell, and he has twice the bladesmanship of any rickets-plagued buccaneer. Or of Johnny Depp himself, if it should come to that.

WEREWOLVES

 

Unlike many, Solomon Kane will not hesitate to  jump on a werewolf if the need arises. Despite the fact that most werewolves will have buried themselves in river mud to sleep out the winter months by the time November comes, wouldn't you rest easier knowing that a dour Puritan was ready to jump on any that might still be awake, before they could jump on your spawn?

GIANT SNAKES

 It is a little-known fact that giant snakes are the most easily-bored of all the reptiles and constantly crave new dining experiences. Thus, Hallowe'en is a particularly dangerous time of year, as their reptile brains are unable to grasp the concept of trick or treating and see the hordes of costumed youths thronging the streets as brand new taste sensations, rather than the same bland children that they had become so tired of preying upon by March or April of the year. Parents of especially creative children take note: if you cannot arrange Solomon Kane to escort your child then it may be wise to talk them out of that Two Headed Laurel and Hardy costume and into a more generic and safe ghost or sexy nurse outfit.

UNDEAD HORDES

Whether zombies, vampires or cone-headed African zombie/vampire weirdos, Solomon Kane and his cat-headed ju-ju staff will murderize their unholy selves, just as a matter of principle.

But don't think that Solomon Kane is only proficient in battling garden-variety menaces like those above. No, he is available to protect your young from a whole host of less-common menaces, including:

DRACULAS

BAT-MEN

GOAT-FOOTED ELIZABETHAN NAZI BARONS

 LIONS

 

 GARDEN-VARIETY GOONS

And, perhaps most impressively of all:

CONANS

 

Yes, Solomon Kane. He may call your wife a harlot and punch you out for taking the Lord's name in vain, and he definitely won't let your child engage in anything so Paganistic as trick or treating, but when you want a man who will almost certainly bring your youngsters home undevoured and not in thrall to ancient evil, this dour Puritan is the name that parents trust.

Order now! Supplies are limited!

*"We" is a proprietary term here used to refer only to Johnathan Munroe. And even then, only loosely.