Parents, are you concerned for the safety of your children this Hallowe'en? Don't be afraid to admit it, it's only natural. What with all of the pretend monsters, murderers and misanthropes thronging the streets, how could event the most astute of children be expected to pick out and avoid any real ones that might come along? That's why we here at Living Between Wednesdays* are pleased to endorse what we believe to be the perfect way to keep your child safe no matter what supernatural menaces might lurk in the night (or possibly late afternoon if you live in one of those wussy communities).
That's right, Robert E. Howard's Puritan adventurer himself, with more than six decades of globe-trotting monster massacre under his belt and a no-nonsense commitment to justice and right that will ensure that he will not stop until your offspring are safe, or at the very least avenged.
Why, just look at a few of Kane's areas of expertise:
Yes, with pirate popularity showing no signs of abating completely, one can never be sure if the Johnny Depp-lookalike staggering down the street is a mere reveler or an actual pirate, drunk on the rum. Solomon Kane can tell, and he has twice the bladesmanship of any rickets-plagued buccaneer. Or of Johnny Depp himself, if it should come to that.
Unlike many, Solomon Kane will not hesitate to jump on a werewolf if the need arises. Despite the fact that most werewolves will have buried themselves in river mud to sleep out the winter months by the time November comes, wouldn't you rest easier knowing that a dour Puritan was ready to jump on any that might still be awake, before they could jump on your spawn?
It is a little-known fact that giant snakes are the most easily-bored of all the reptiles and constantly crave new dining experiences. Thus, Hallowe'en is a particularly dangerous time of year, as their reptile brains are unable to grasp the concept of trick or treating and see the hordes of costumed youths thronging the streets as brand new taste sensations, rather than the same bland children that they had become so tired of preying upon by March or April of the year. Parents of especially creative children take note: if you cannot arrange Solomon Kane to escort your child then it may be wise to talk them out of that Two Headed Laurel and Hardy costume and into a more generic and safe ghost or sexy nurse outfit.
Whether zombies, vampires or cone-headed African zombie/vampire weirdos, Solomon Kane and his cat-headed ju-ju staff will murderize their unholy selves, just as a matter of principle.
But don't think that Solomon Kane is only proficient in battling garden-variety menaces like those above. No, he is available to protect your young from a whole host of less-common menaces, including:
And, perhaps most impressively of all:
Yes, Solomon Kane. He may call your wife a harlot and punch you out for taking the Lord's name in vain, and he definitely won't let your child engage in anything so Paganistic as trick or treating, but when you want a man who will almost certainly bring your youngsters home undevoured and not in thrall to ancient evil, this dour Puritan is the name that parents trust.
Order now! Supplies are limited!
*"We" is a proprietary term here used to refer only to Johnathan Munroe. And even then, only loosely.