Rating the Super Hunks #14: Jonah Hex

If you haven't figured this out about me yet, I will tell you now: I love cowboys. A western movie does not have to have much of a plot to keep me entertained. I just want cowboys walking around talking and dressing like cowboys and shooting stuff.

I also love western comics, but especially Jonah Hex. I can't even remember when I first discovered the character, but he was an instant favourite.

Now, at first glance, you might say he is in no way sexy and should not even be considered a Super Hunk. You are WRONG and I intend to prove it.

Let's cover up one eye and rate everyone's favourite bounty hunter

JONAH HEX

 The light's not hitting your good side, Hex.

The light's not hitting your good side, Hex.

Costume/Appearance:

Well...what can we say?

Let's just get costume out of the way first. Jonah wears a Confederate soldier's uniform. While that may be a little gauche, it certainly looks cool.

 "Ok, I will!"

"Ok, I will!"

No doubt about it.

Now, moving on to appearances...

Let's be clear: one half of Jonah Hex is perfectly attractive. Hot, even. But the other half is pretty much as gross as a face can look. I don't know if he looks worse than Two-Face, but the little bridge of skin over his lip makes me want to say 'yes.'

 Hex pays money for this.

Hex pays money for this.

Jonah has been drawn with varying levels of grossness. Sometimes he just has a big eye and a messed up mouth. Sometimes he has what looks like raw hamburger for a face. It's definitely an obstacle that anyone who is interested in him would have to get over. Fortunately for Jonah, a surprising number of women have totally been willing to overlook his massive disfiguration.

 "I'll always remember you...as that guy with the gross face."

"I'll always remember you...as that guy with the gross face."

 That is damn poetry.

That is damn poetry.

Well, there you go. Jonah Hex gets action. Regular action. Possibly more than Bruce Wayne. I think it speaks volumes about how awesome he is (which we'll get to in the next section).

I mean, the good half of Jonah Hex looks pretty much exactly like young Clint Eastwood. Perfectly attractive. Shame about that other side.

Because he's half hot, I think a fair grade would be

5/10

Personality:

Jonah Hex has that whole emotionless "I'm only here to kill people and get paid" exterior that women love so much. He's gruff to the extreme, lacking charm and simple good manners.

 He's honest. That's what I like.

He's honest. That's what I like.

What he lacks in gentle good humour, he makes up for with total and complete badassedness. He kills people. Lots of people. And he takes great pleasure in dishing out pain and ironic punishment to terrible people. If he gets paid.

 Stone cold.

Stone cold.

Everyone in the Jonah Hex universe is terrified of him. His legend is known throughout the land, and anyone who challenges him is definitely going to die. I like that in a man.

 This is a seriously awesome panel.

This is a seriously awesome panel.

He's also calm in any situation, whether he's chained to a rock, being strung up, or suddenly transported thousands of years into the future, dude is in control.

I actually have no problem with his personality. He's probably the sanest comic hero out there. I guess I'll knock off a couple points for being a grumpy gus.

8/10

Day Job:

Jonah Hex is a bounty hunter. That's pretty much his whole deal. And he's very good at it.

 He lost his wallet.

He lost his wallet.

10/10

Sexiness of Superpowers:

Jonah Hex doesn't need superpowers.

 Tuff.

Tuff.

10/10

Cons:

Besides the fact that it's hard to look at him without throwing up, I should mention that Jonah once totally cheated on his pregnant wife:

 Not cool, Hex. Not cool.

Not cool, Hex. Not cool.

And while he was doing it she was totally baking him a birthday cake. Not cool, Hex.

 He likes ice cream cake best.

He likes ice cream cake best.

Nice one, douche.

I'm taking off five points for that little stunt. And for the lip bridge. Again.

- 5

Final Score: 28/40

See? Basically Jonah Hex is a perfect man with a messed up face. If you're too shallow to look past that then you don't deserve him.

 I'm glad you agree.

I'm glad you agree.