Archie Sunday: The Triple Threats of Riverdale

It's been three years since the first Disney High School Musical movie was released. Three movies later the kids have all grown up, and are moving on to star in indie films or more mature Hollywood fare. The trend is over.

That means it's the perfect time for Archie Comics to jump on the bandwagon.


The Archie kids decide to put on a High School musical, because that's what kids do these days when they're not texting jpegs on their mp3-pods. The gang throws around some ideas of musicals they could blatantly rip-off, and we get to see Archie being his usual skeevy self.


"The Little Mermaid—topless! Or The Sound of Music—topless! Les Miserables—only, here's the catch—the girls are topless!"

Christ. You know while Archie's saying that, he's just unabashedly staring at Betty and Veronica's boobs, never looking away, even when they're like, "Hello? My eyes are up here!"

Chuck and Nancy suggest West Side Story, which would rule!

Nancy is like, "By putting on this musical, we could subtly examine the racial tension experienced by members of the Riverdale community, and create a dialogue about how..."

And the rest of the gang is like, "Nope!"

Instead they decide on a Grease-style musical, 'cause that's real current. Every twelve-year-old girl these days has a poster of John Travolta on her wall.

The whole gang pitches in, with the regular cast of jerks—Archie, Betty & Veronica and Jughead—doing the music and choreography and relegating the rest of the kids to the crappier jobs. Dilton does the lighting, even though it's been established that he's an accomplished musician and basically a hit-writing machine. But make the nerd do the technical work, right Riverdale douchebags?

Moose and Midge collaborate on costume-making, which is actually pretty adorable. They slave away in front of sewing machines while Archie sits around going "What rhymes with Jalopy? Girl with no toppy?"

Archie actually complements Moose and Midge's hard work, albeit while staring directly Midge's chest. He inevitably ruins the moment by yelling, "I LOVE BAZOOMS!" and then doing a cartwheel off the stage.

So, their musical blows. It's completely derivative, and the lyrics are brutal.

Plus, Archie is popping boners through the whole thing.

Zac Effron, he ain't.